Delicious raspberries and blackberries from the weekend. They were full of flavor.

This afternoon we went for a short walk because it was so nice outside. I snapped photos of the kids and the flowers.

And in case you think I don’t photograph the older boy, I swear I try every day.

And here he is again blowing.

It’s been a quiet day here. Not much progress but not terrible day either. My parents are going to be here in 3 hours and I am so excited to see them. I’m on release this week and it’s been a bit stressful (though much less than usual). I’ve noticed that when I’m doing something I’m not an expert at and it’s intermittent, I tend to be unable to focus on other tasks cause I am stressing so much. I need to work on this.

Note to Self:
I wrote a long and personal email to a friend today. I was hesitant to do so. Email is one of those mediums where it’s all too easy to just spread with the click of a button. And what was meant for one ends up in the hands of many. I was unsure but I did it anyway. I know that typing things up is my way of working them out most of the time and I am much more capable of expressing my thoughts and emotions deeply on the keyboard than I am on paper. Maybe it’s cause I work on the computer. Maybe that’s why I can’t write journals anymore. I was thinking of that as I wrote the email today. Let’s see if I can keep a journal this year. Let’s see if this new art journal works. And let’s hope that my friend doesn’t forward my very personal email around. It’s important to have faith in people.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am so so grateful for spring. Seeing the flowers bloom everywhere and the sun shine makes me so deliriously happy.
2. I’m grateful that I have such an kind and understanding sister. I adore her with all my heart.
3. I am grateful for art. Other people’s art. How much it inspires me. I am so thankful people have the guts to follow their dreams. The world would be a much uglier place without them.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Nathaniel was playing with the Tivo remote this morning and ended up turning on the TV to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. David said he was really grateful for that.
2. Playing with sand at school.

I cannot stop staring at Rebecca’s art. So happy to have it in my home.

What do you think, will he be a scrapbooker too? Well as long as he enjoys my scrapbooks we’re good.

I cherish those smiles so so much.

And a butt-shot cause he looked so cute in his shorts.

Today started out really rough. Nathaniel was wide awake at 5am and wouldn’t go down for an early nap so I decided we all get to stay at home and put him down around when I would have been taking David to school. A short nap then and a longer mid morning nap meant no afternoon nap which meant meltdown around 4pm and since I’d also been up around 12 hours and had had no nap, I was getting exceptionally cranky and tired, too which doesn’t help with the situation in any way.

Finally they all made it to bed and I am wiped. I still have work to do and the house looks like a mess and my parents will be here tomorrow night so I want to make sure to clean it up even if just a bit. Oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Note to Self:
I love watching Ugly Betty and there’s this one scene in last week’s episode where she’s sitting with her sister and she tells her she’s worried about getting her braces of because what if even after that she still looks ugly. She’s been using that as an excuse and she’s worried once it goes away, she will be left without one. Her sister tells her that she’s so beautiful and if she could just start seeing what her sister sees in her, life could be so much better for her. (I paraphrased obviously, I’m writing from memory.). This scene spoke to me so deeply. My ideas of myself, of how I look, of how loved I am, of what kind of a person I am, of who my friends are, are so warped. I see them from glasses colored by years and years of mean comments, unkind moments, and small people’s nastiness. Sometimes I look in my husband’s eyes and I can feel his love for me. I can see my son’s eyes light up when he sees my face. He doesn’t care if others think it’s beautiful. To him, it’s mom. It’s the person who loves him no matter what. The person who feeds him, hugs him, picks him up. I know that I have friends who will come trough for me when I need them. I know that I am so blessed and so lucky, yet I cannot find a way to take those glasses off. (Better yet, I’d like to break them.) Such a shame to waste my life like that.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting to do some art today. Not a lot but it was a long day so I am glad I made the time for it.
2. I am grateful that I am almost done with my list of things to do so I can go and take a nice bubble bath.
3. I am grateful for my book reader because I didn’t feel like reading anything on my list today and yet I have so many other books to choose from that I found something easygoing and relaxing.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Getting to play with bugs in the backyard
2. Hugs from Daddy

I bought this little egg at Colleen’s store Saffron and Genevieve last weekend in Santa Cruz. There were many eggs with different words like Peace. Love. Calm. but this is the one that immediately spoke to me and I am still not exactly sure why. But when I was picking I couldn’t resist buying this even though it felt so out of character. And now it sits at my table and I love looking at it.

Nathaniel is being more demanding lately. I dare say he’s growing up.

A few extra shots of him today because I couldn’t resist.

Look at those eyelashes.

David got a scooter for his fourth birthday last year but I refused to let him ride it. And when he turned five, I knew I had to give in so while I was away this weekend, he and Jake bought a helmet and today he practiced for the first time. It was quite hard for him and I am not sure how he felt about it but he did say he was going to keep practicing. Crappy photo but still it’s a solid memory so I’m keeping it.

Today was an odd day as I expected. A few loose ends to tie, lots of email to go through and just not able to pull myself together just yet. Still swimming in thoughts and a bit of frustration, a little disappointment, a lot of excitement and ideas, and some major next steps that I’m determined to take.

In 48 hours my Mom and Dad are going to be here. I am so so excited to see them. I haven’t seen my Mom since Nathaniel’s birth (which was amazingly almost 11 months ago) and I haven’t seen my Dad since 2008 Thanksgiving. Way too long. Even though we Skype almost daily, I cannot wait to touch them, hug them, kiss them. I am so grateful that they are making the long long long trip over here.

Note to Self:
Last Wednesday, something happened that turned my mood from happy to sad. It was almost instantaneous and a really noticeable change. For a while, I couldn’t tell what happened. Why was I suddenly so down? and then I realized what it was but still I couldn’t understand the Why. I thought I did but it took me another five days to really understand it. In the end, what caused my sadness was a few little words someone wrote in an email. Few words that to any other person would be completely inconsequential as they probably were to the author too. And yet all it took were those few words to completely undo me. To rush in all my insecurities and make me feel small and inconsequential. Amazing how important word choices can be. Of course, the author of the email was not at fault. There was no way she could have predicted the effect her words would have on me and the email wasn’t even sent only to me (it was a group email) and yet it pulled me down and kept me in a bad, small place for way too long. When I finally realized the reason last night, I learned a lot about myself. I also learned about the power of words, about not taking others’ weaknesses for granted and the ability for someone to misinterpret my words or imbue them with meaning that was never there. This is a scary thought. Imagine how many people I might have hurt or angered without knowing. Especially in a medium like email where there are no facial cues or intonations. This is something that has thrown me for a loop today. But I appreciate the growth and awareness it has brought. It’s all about mindfulness in the end.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for my sister. She is such a joy and I got to video chat with her for 5 minutes today and it made me smile all day. I love you Yona.
2. I am grateful for lessons I am learning about myself and that I feel like I am continually growing and evolving.
3. I am grateful for my husband. He is more loving, more generous and kinder every single day. I always tell myself I wish I had my “person” in the world. My one girlfriend I could just be with. Go places, do things, chat with, lean on, laugh with, trust, etc. And you know what, while I might not have that, what I have with my husband is all that and more. He’s my person. All mine and I love him in every single way you can love another human being.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Riding his scooter!!
2. Playing puppies at school with Joseph and Jace.

This whole time while we were gone, I didn’t end up taking a photo of all of us. So right before we left, we asked Jake to snap some photos of us.

Unfortunately Colleen had already left because there was a fire in her building (which was actually fine in that it hadn’t touched her store at all, thankfully.) So here’s a shot of Colleen, too.

And of course here’s the little boy. This is the face I got when I told him no nursing for a bit (I was doing something but of course this face meant I gave in and nursed.)

I have a lot more to write about this weekend but I just got back home and I have so much to do, so more later.

Note to Self:
I realized so many things about myself this weekend. Things I want to change. Things I will change. Over the next few months I will explain more and more partly cause I am still thinking about so much of it and I prefer to digest it first. But it’s amazing how sometimes you think of something and it makes you sad and other times you are not just sad but totally driven to fix it deeply. The sense of urgency takes over. Let’s see if it will actually be action-oriented. Here’s to hoping.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful to be home. I missed my boys so much.
2. I am grateful for how my awesome husband took such good care of our little boy.
3. I am also grateful for some fun TV that has been waiting for me.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Getting to watch TV
2. Playing with his legos
I asked him if he was grateful to have Nathaniel back and he said he was grateful to have me back. Sweet boy.

More photos of the beautiful place where we’re staying. Isn’t it breathtaking?

And here is Debi’s delicious creme brulee french toast. It was to die for.

Little boy is having the time of his life and he’s being an angel.

And loves looking out the window.

This is has been such an experience for me, such a joy. More about it when I am back home.

Note to Self:
Today’s note to self is to let go and enjoy the moment. To not try to be something or do something but just enjoy and appreciate. More on this later.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I love being so near the water. Being so close to it makes me feel calm.
2. I feel grateful that Nathaniel has been so peaceful and sweet and kind the whole time we’ve been here.
3. Also grateful to be going home tomorrow. I miss my son and my husband so much.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1.For the new Lego sets that came in the mail
2. For the catalog of Lego games that came with the Lego sets