From our walk yesterday.
Thank you for all your kind comments and words. They mean more to me than you will ever know. My grandmother’s funeral is tomorrow and I am heartbroken that I can’t be there with my family. I ache to see them right now.
It’s been a mellow day here today. A small plane crashed into Palo Alto today and knocked out electricity for hours. So David went to school in the dark (with emergency lights on actually.) It was odd to drive down the street while none of the traffic lights worked.
For the rest of the day, I attempted to work a little, rest a little and play with the kids a lot. Nathaniel finally decided his walking toy is actually fun and played with it quite a bit today.
I have several things I was supposed to do last night that are looming over me so I am off to get them done.
Oh, and, I’ve been thinking of teaching a class at A Million Memories. A lot of people tell me they struggle with journaling and figuring out what to write. What if we made a book on gathering your stories? A minibook that you could have on your desk full of your story ideas so that next time you’re sitting down to make a layout, you can use your book to give you ideas on what to journal. It would include tips on what photos to match it with, how to remember older events, organized by person, time etc. Is that the kind of class you’d be interested in taking? Let me know your thoughts. And any other classes you might be interested in. (I do have a journaling+photo one I am supposed to work on for BPS but I’ve been putting it off for a while. I have to buckle down and work on it.)
Note to Self:
I’ve noticed that it’s hard for me to come down from a week of high stress and a lot of work. I’m still not very productive at work this week and the longer I go without getting through my todo list, the more items pile on and grow. It’s all sort of depressing. I need to find a system that allows me to accomplish a whole lot early in the day so I can ride the energy that provides me with and get more done. I know that getting things done always leads to getting more done so I need to find a way to leverage that more.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. All your comments and kindness. Thank you. They lifted me up all day long.
2. The laughter of my kids. Today even more so. David was entertaining Nathaniel during dinner and hearing him laugh made us both so happy. And seeing them play together makes me so thankful.
3. I am grateful for distractions today. Usually I’d try to avoid them but today they came in handy as I tried to not sit and think too much.
Catalyst One Hundred and One is: What was your childhood like?
Thoughts:
While I had a wonderful family who loved me very much, I was always a shy and lonely kid. I remember feeling lonely and sad. I didn’t have a lot of friends who liked me. I didn’t like them much either but at the time all that seemed to matter was that they didn’t like me. I am guessing that’s why I turned to books. Books were my salvation. All these years later, they still are. Though now, I know that I am happy and know that even as a kid, I had many more happy memories than most people.
We lost my grandmother tonight 6pm my time (4 in the morning in Turkey.) My grandmother, Maya, was one of the most special people I’ve ever known. We’ve always been close to her and she’s always been the rock in our family. The one who brings everyone together. In the summertime, our house is in the same garden as hers and we used to go to her house all the time. So many of my childhood memories are full of her.
When I was little, I used to be afraid of my grandmother. She was strict and talked to us with a stern voice. But she was also incredibly generous with us from the very beginning. My all time favorite present (which was actually given to my sister but I got to inherit them from her) was an encyclopedia set she got. It may seem odd in today’s Internet age but encyclopedias were a big deal when I was a kid and they were very very expensive. It was a present I treasured for a long time.
Over the years, my grandmother softened up but she stayed as the solid power that always drew the family close to each other. All religious holidays were celebrated at her house. I have so many memories of delicious dinners surrounded by all of our family at her house. She spoke French better than Turkish and as a kid, I was always mesmerized by her stockings. (She wore garters, which I am guessing was something she adopted during the 50s and 60s.) She was a master tennis player. She had started at 5 and was still playing at 75. She was famous.
She was also a master bridge player. She made the most delicious chocolate dessert (mousse au chocolat) and would make a point of making it each time I visited home. No matter what. Back when I used to drink them so much, she also made a point of having Diet Coke on hand for when I visited. After I moved to the US, she instated family night where one night a week, any family members who wished to were invited to dinner at her house. No pressure, just an open house. And my family went often because without the pressure, it was actually fun.
I remember she had so many crystal bowls and as a kid, I loved going through them and discovering the candy, chocolate or nuts that awaited me. She loved playing Scrabble and could play for hours. (In French, of course.) I remember the fascinating books that filled her bookshelves. In French and English and Turkish. She also loved to travel and until her first heart attack, fifteen years ago, she used to travel all the time. She had so many friends. People who loved her.
I can go on and on. I loved my grandmother so much. So so so much that my heart aches. She was 91 and the night before she had her heart attack, she went to the movies and had a great time. I am glad that she enjoyed her life all the way to the last moment and I am so glad that she didn’t suffer. I know she lived a full life and she now gets to join her husband who was gone before I was born. But I am still so heartbroken. And I already miss her so much.
I love you so much, Omama, and I am so thankful for each and every moment that we got together.
Note to Self:
It is so easy for me to focus on all the regrets. How my grandmother never got to meet Nathaniel. How I wish she’d spent more time with David. How I wish I’d known more about her. Seven years ago, I took this course that changed my life and when I was telling her about it, she mentioned that she wished she’d taken it and how she had so many regrets and I ached to ask her more (at the time we were having a big family dinner and I felt like that was a 1-1 conversation.) but I never did. I regret so much. And yet, I think it’s better to focus on the good. I am so lucky that I got to live so close to my grandmother. That I got to enjoy 35 years of my life with her. That she got to see both my kids. (even if through Skype.) That I know (I always knew) how proud she was of me. How much she loved me and how very much I love her. These are the things I want to focus on. The amazing and long life she lived. She was quite healthy for 91 years of life, may we all be so lucky. So, I am forcing the bad thoughts away from my head and focusing on the good today. Celebrating her. Feeling the love and letting it fill me up.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am so grateful my grandmother didn’t suffer. And I am grateful for the 35 years we had together. That I got to know her as much as I did.
2. I am grateful for a long and wonderful walk I took with my kids today. I’ve wanted to do this walk for months but kept postponing it. I am glad we took the time today.
3. I am grateful for my family today. For Jake hugging me tight and holding me while I cried, knowing exactly what I needed. For my kids who are the definition of bliss. For my parents who are so loving, so kind, so generous and truly one of a kind. For my sister who is there for me through and through. And her husband who is amazing and her kids whom I adore. And my other grandmother who shines with each smile. And my aunt and uncle who’ve always supported us and encouraged us. I am blessed and I know it. I will not forget it.
And, of course, the little boy. Always the little boy.
The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
I’m a fan of Karen Walrond and have been reading her blog for quite some time. She’s recently started answering anonymous (or not) questions on formspring. Here’s a recent question and her answer that really spoke to me:
What is the most frustrating thing about being photographer for you?
The most frustrating thing about being a photographer is that people rarely see their own beauty when you take their picture of them — they’re far quicker to zero in on the mole or the laughlines they hate than the fact that they just have a great face, or a warm smile. I shot a wedding for someone as a gift once, and even though she was radiant, when she saw the final pictures, all she saw was that she hadn’t lost the weight she’d wanted to before her wedding. I still haven’t put together the album as a result!
This is something that I really struggle with all the time. I can tell you a million reasons why I dislike the way I look. Some of them will be about cruel friends during my formative years, others might mention dieting since I was twelve, but the fact is, there’s no excuse for me to feel the way I feel except that I keep perpetuating ideas that other people put in my head. Or maybe they didn’t even do that and I just chose to believe it for so many years. Nonetheless, I loathe to have my picture taken so much that two years ago, when we first started creative therapy here’s the art I made for the very first catalyst which was about “something you lost.”
Here’s the journaling:
I am the girl behind the camera. I am the one who takes photos I capture the moments I preserve the memories. There was a time when I was in front of the lens. When I let people take my photo, but now when I see a photo of me I cringe. I see all the flaws all the fat all the ugliness. I lost the ability to see myself clearly. I can’t remember what it felt like to look at the photo and see me. I miss that.
Every word of that is so true. Over the years I’ve made so many attempts at making peace with seeing myself in photos. For the longest time, it was a “I need this to feel good about myself” thing.
But now that I’m a scrapbooker and our family’s “memory preserver” I realize that having photos of me is not just about feeling better about myself. It’s so much more than that. Imagine if (God forbid!) something happens to my mom and there are only a handful photos of her and they are many years apart? I would be devastated. To me, every single photo of my mother is breathtaking. It’s not about whether her makeup is perfect or every stand of hair is in the right place, it’s about my mother. How she looked over the years, how much her soul shines through each photo, how much I cherish her smile, the glimmer in her eyes. How I can almost hear her when I see the photo. Almost smell her, even. I love looking at photos of my mom from her childhood, her youth, from all the years when we were kids, teenagers, married and everything in between. Who am I to deny that to my own kids?
When I look at a photo of myself, it’s true that I always see my huge, crooked nose. My uneven and thick eyebrows. My funny smile and messed up hair. I see all the blotches. I see everything wrong. But if I look deep down, I know that it’s important to document this, too. These stages of my life. Of our life. I know that even I will cherish having these photos years from now.
In the spirit of taking a solid step forward, I asked my husband to take photos of me and our youngest today:
Yep, I still cringe a lot when I look at that. I think that it will be a while before that goes away (if ever.) but I’m no longer letting that stop me from taking these photos. I was here, I existed and these photos are proof of my life and my stories. As someone who believes in documenting life, I cannot leave such a big hole in mine.
So, my challenge to you today is to get a photo of yourself. Hand over the camera to someone else. Put it on a table with a self-timer. Find a reflective surface. Do whatever you need to do to snap that shot. You are worth it. And I promise it will be good for your soul.
So here’s a little sneak of what ended up being my totally random side project for the weekend for no reason. I will be crossing off one of the items in my 52 Things list eventually so I spose it’s not so bad. I also signed up for a new workshop. I seem to be all into embroidery lately so it seemed awfully fitting.
Other than my little project, I got nothing done today. I read maybe 10 pages of my book before I fell asleep. I played with my kids. We went to the park. We watched TV. That’s about it. Unproductive but relaxing.
I love that little piece of hair sticking up. It makes me think of Tintin and it makes me want to hug him nonstop.
And here are two Jake took of us. I absolutely hate the way I look of course but I love that it’s a photo of the two of us. (More on this coming tomorrow for my WG post.)
I love love love this boy. I can never get enough of that baby smell and I can never kiss him enough.
Long weekend gone. But it’s a short week and I am not on release this week. Yey!
Thank you for your kind wishes and thoughts. My grandmother is still in ICU and in critical condition. I am thinking of her nonstop.
Note to Self:
I follow a few people on formspring and one of the questions I read today was about confidence. The person who replied said that she thinks “confidence means being really comfortable in your own skin” and I totally agree. This is something I’ve been striving for, for as long as I can remember. Feeling good about who I am. Not that I don’t want to improve or that I don’t get worried now and then but to have a general good sense about myself and to feel good in my own skin is definitely a major goal of mine. Not exactly sure how to achieve it. What are the steps to this kind of a goal?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I’m grateful that I’ve had a low-key weekend. Sometimes it’s good to do something completely random and not on my list.
2. I am grateful that the days are getting longer. I love that and the warmer weather.
3. I am grateful for markers and coloring books. David loves them so much, he can color for hours and hours. It’s amazing to watch and I love the quiet time.
Since it was David’s birthday last weekend, I thought it would be fun to make him do his own thank-you cards.
We picked three different colored papers form my leftovers stash. Grabbed the Martha Stewart butterfly punch and punched a bunch of hearts out of each. I then cut some heavyweight 8.5×11 paper to create the cards.
I wrote the inside of the cards, thanking them for the specific gift. I kept it short since I knew David would take up a lot of room writing the names.
David then wrote the names of the kids on top.
And his name on the bottom of each card.
When he messed up, we just went with it. Then, we grabbed some stamp and ink:
And we stamped the front of the cards. Some crooked, some less.
He then put glue dots and put one of each color butterfly on the cover. And ruffled up the wings.
And here we are:
Very flawed but 100% authentic. Love them!
Happy Birthday Yona!!! I love love love love you so so so much!! So much!
Today was promising to be a quiet and relaxing day until I decided to work on a new project for no reason at all. And now I have a whole bunch more stuff to do before tomorrow is out. Oh well. That’s how my life seems to go.
This is the face Nathaniel makes at me when he wants attention and I am not giving him any. Or enough.
We took a little walk around the neighborhood today. And I snapped photos of my boys because I love them so much. The one with the blue eyes.
He was pushing around his little brother. Who was enjoying it thoroughly.
And here are all three of my boys. They are my life.
I got some really sad news today. My grandmother had a heart attack and is in the hospital in intensive care. If you believe in that sort of thing, please say a prayer for her. I love her so much and I wish I were there, holding her hand right now. I love you, Omama.
Note to Self:
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day. Not sure why. It’s not a holiday we had in Turkey so I didn’t grow up with it but I feel like if I had it as a teenager, I would have always felt nervous and scared on Valentine’s day. Just another way to see how rejected I was. I think it’s meant to celebrate love but instead, it emphasizes the difference between those who have and those who don’t. And who needs a reminder of that? Maybe it’s too negative but I just feel like it’s an unnecessary holiday. If you’re lucky enough to love and be loved, cherish that every day. If you aren’t, don’t focus on it and live your life to the fullest and love will find you in due time. We don’t need flowers, chocolate or cards to remind us of that. I know, it’s weird how I feel about this holiday.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for my sewing machine today, I’ve used it a lot tonight and love it. I am thankful for the hours of joy it gives me.
2. I am grateful that my family is honest with me and despite the fact that they know I will worry, they tell me the truth about what’s going on there and how sick my grandmother is. I have a tendency to think the very worst so knowing I can count on them to tell me and to tell me the truth makes it easier for me to stop my imagination from wandering.
3. I am grateful for Skype again today. I talked to my sister, my mother-in-law (and brother and sister in law and niece and father in law), and my mother today. All through Skype. So thankful for technology and high speed internet.
This was done with the December A Million Memories Kit.
Here’s the journaling:
Most kids are loved and adored by their parents. But you, my son, have the added joy of being loved and adored by your big brother. It’s a big privilege.
I love them even when they are dead. Look at that velvety texture and deep color. How could you not love them?
Today was a good errand day. We finally switched David to a booster seat and moved Nathaniel up to the bigger car seat. We got both in Jake’s car, too so now we can use either car. Yey. That alone would have been a big deal but then we had our appointment with the accountant (using one for the first time this year.) and that made me feel good, too. Then I came home, put the kids down and did two catalysts. More yey. I am also almost caught up on my email. Almost.
Here are two shots of the little one from today.
Loved them both, couldn’t decide.
I am trying to a few more small things and then I will have to go sleep because I’m still waking up at 3:30am thanks to the little one so it’s been pretty painful not getting any sleep. I’m sure the 9pm coffee isn’t helping either.
Note to Self:
I was reading the Simple Abundance book yesterday and it was talking about how when I was ten was the last time I probably trusted my own instincts. Without worrying about my mom, sister, friends, etc. That’s when I had my own opinions, she says. I don’t really remember much about being ten. I do remember feeling ostracized pretty early on so ten might have been too late for me already. But I do love the idea of having my own instincts. Not hearing anyone else’s words in my head. Not listening to criticism inside or out (and the one inside is always louder for me.) Just going on a journey to find my own instincts. I love that idea. I wonder if I could still do it or if it’s too late?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we have a free service at the Stanford hospital right by us that installs car seats for us. They make sure it’s installed correctly and that’s a big load off my mind.
2. I am grateful that we have an accountant this year and we will not be arguing about the taxes being done on time.
3. I am grateful that it’s a 3-day weekend and that even though I already feel productive, I have two more days to get things done or to just sleep or to read my book.
I didn’t intend to do this one, this week. But, as always, the incredible Rebecca inspired me with her heart sessions so I thought this would be as good a week as any to do some stitching. So I did:
10. Sew everyday for a week
I thought this would be as good an opportunity as any to learn to do some hand-stitching. I’ve never done that before so I used these amazing tutorials.
On Saturday, I did this to practice my French Knots:
On Sunday, I did this to practice the chain-stitch (hard to see in the photo, sorry!) and putting beads.
On Monday, I learned how to do a blanket stitch.
Tuesday was too stressful so I did something simple and you can’t see it but there are two beads on the button holes.
Wednesday, I wanted to learn how to do the buttonhole wheels so I made one with the hear and then added some beads to the other one.
Thursday, I just had fun. Yes they are all over the place and crooked but I still love them.
And Friday, I grabbed some of my favorite fabric and just had fun. I didn’t stress about how the fabrics don’t line up on top of each other. I was wiped from a long long week.
And here they all are:
During this super-stressful week, these little hearts were the only few minutes I took for myself everyday. They are simple but I still love them.
Thank you, again, Rebecca, for the inspiration.
This was a long week. Definitely one of the longest since I’ve started my job three years ago. There was too much uncertainty. Too much going on at the same time. I was learning a lot and all remotely while the kids were at home and needed my attention, too. It was hard. But the release did happen and as soon as we confirmed that things were ok, I took both the kids and we went to a local bakery to celebrate. We needed to get out of the house and I needed some good food and some chocolate and I wanted David to get anything his heart desired as he was so incredible all week. He not only was quiet when I asked him to be but he also helped with Nathaniel the whole time. He’s my angel.
So is this one.
When we got there, David got to have a big chocolate cake all by himself. And mango juice and I ate a warm sandwich.
Even Nathaniel got to gorge on puffs after he had his dinner.
After that hour, we were all happy with tummies full of yummy food. We came back home, played some and they all went to bed and I am sitting here and enjoying my TV. This three-day weekend will be nothing but rest, art, family, and relaxing.
May you have a fantastic one.
Note to Self:
Sometimes when you think nothing’s going right, things just come together magically. Have faith in those moments. Have faith in life. Things have a way of working out. This happened to me twice this week. Once for work, once for a magical trip that looks like it might be happening…I need to have more faith.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. The release. I can’t believe it actually did happen.
2. My son. Both my sons. But especially proud of David this week.
3. I am grateful for chocolate and its ability to make me feel happy. Chocolate and coffee. Life is not the same without them.
The journaling reads:
When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things to do when I needed to relax was to take a bubble bath. I would fill up the tub, get a bowl of my favortie fruits, some music I loved, and a book and just dive into the bubbles.
I could easily spend hours in a bubble bath. It’s something that calms my soul and relaxes my body. It’s like the warm water and the soft bubbles take away my frustrations and worries and leave me with nothing but calm peace.
When I lived in Japan, many years ago, the apartment I stayed in had a deep and wide tub where you got to punch in a number for the temperature of the water and the tub did all the rest. It ensure the water stayed at that temperature for the duration of my bath. It was the greatest tub ever and I took more baths during those six months than I can ever remember. And when we moved to Palo Alto, our house had no bathtubs which made me realize how much I really craved one.
Now, we live in a house where I get to have a wonderful tub and I get to experience the joy and relaxation all over again.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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