The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
Last week, I lost my grandmother.
She was 91 and she lived a long, healthy and full life. When I learned of her passing, I wrote a few words about our memories and how much she meant to me. As I was writing the post, I realized how much stronger “Weekly Gratitude” has already made me.
I am the melodramatic kind. I tend to over-analyze everything and feel emotions deeply. I worry too much and have a lot of hopes and wishes. While I love living in the United States, one of my greatest fears is not being near my family when something happens to them. For the longest time, my dad used to smoke a lot (he went from 3 packs a day to nothing, bless his soul) and he didn’t eat all that well and slept even less. I had these fears that we would lose him and I wouldn’t even be there to hold his hand. I had this long list of things that I never got to do with him. I felt that I would never forgive myself.
And yet, I am still terrible about visiting home. I dread flying with the kids and my life is pretty hard to uproot. So I haven’t been home in a long time. Thankfully my parents visit me and I’ve had the opportunity to see them. (Not nearly as frequently as I would like of course but they are so kind to take the long trip when I won’t.) But I hadn’t seen my grandmother since 2006. And now I will never see her again. When Nathaniel (my 10-month-old) was born, my parents asked me to visit so my grandmother could meet him. But I didn’t. I was too worried about flying with a baby and a 5-year-old.
So you would think that now that she’s gone forever, I would be wallowing in remorse. And I think the old-me would have. But this project has helped me see the positive side of so many things this year. I’ve noted 3 things that I’m grateful for every single day. That makes 159 things this year so far. (That’s quite a lot isn’t it? And we’re only in February.) It has shifted my focus from the bad to the good. To the “glass is half full” perspective.
And it has allowed me to move past regret into appreciation. Into being thankful for all the times I did have with my grandmother. For having had the luxury of meeting my grandmother and sharing so much with her. And on and on. I know that if it weren’t for this project I would be feeling sorry for myself so much more. Which is, of course, taking the focus off of her and making this all about me. Instead, I can celebrate her and make this all about how amazing she was. And will always be.
Which also brings me peace about my parents. Peace about my life. About living it daily. Living in the moment. Living with gratitude. And choosing joy.
This project has already changed my life more than I ever thought it could.
I will miss you, Omama, may you rest in peace.
Today started out well but then went downhill really fast. I was all together and getting stuff done in the morning and then as the afternoon came, Nathaniel didn’t take his nap long enough but then he was so whiny and unhappy. He would play for a little while and then whine.
But, of course he is so cute.
And David kept practicing his karate moves. He said he needed to practice them until he was tired.
Those little balls are Bakugan balls that magically open with cards. He loves them. He loves all of David’s toys. Way more than his.
So at 4pm, I had this really important video conference with my manager and teammates. The baby was melting down, David was bored silly and I had to keep them all quiet. I tried everything with Nathaniel. I gave him snacks, I fed him, I held him, I even nursed him but nothing was doing the trick.
So finally I put him down and asked David to see if he could entertain him. I swear I talked to my team for about 6 minutes before I turned around and saw that Nathaniel had swiftly removed his diaper and also managed to poop at the same time. No one at my meeting knew what was going on of course and I couldn’t abruptly leave since they were answering one of the issues I bought up. So I picked up the baby, cleaned him as best I could, put on a new diaper, and held him for the rest of the meeting. Once the meeting was over, I put him in the tub and washed him all over.
Yep, that’s me, Mother-of-the-Year!
ugh.
Note to Self:
I’ve noticed that while I am in general calmer, I tend to flare up more easily lately. I get defensive, I take things personally, I am frustrated and impatient. These are not things that I would like to be. I am trying to be more mindful this year. Slower. More deliberate and flaring up for no reason does not factor into that. I need to go with the flow a bit more. I start every morning telling myself I won’t get flustered, I won’t yell, I won’t do things I regret. Yet I still do them. Over and over again. I want to stop the cycle. I want to learn to take a breath. Learn to let it go. Learn to teach the lessons patiently and deliberately. I want my kids not to do something because they understand why it’s bad and respect it. Not because they’re scared I’ll fly off the handle. I want to learn to be calm. Calm. Peaceful. I crave this.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Today, I’m grateful that videoconferences have mute and that I can choose what the other side sees. (And doesn’t see.)
2. I’m grateful that I’m taking to do a little bit of art each night. Something that makes me happy.
3. I’m grateful that David and I took the time to craft today. I cherish our projects. I cherish our 1-1 time.
This week’s craft was inspired by this (click photo for source):
We don’t normally have cartons in the house because I don’t like them and we tend to buy a gallon of milk. But as it turned out, we bought some orange juice for Christmas so I saved the carton.
We gathered all of our supplies:
We then taped the edges with glue and construction paper.
We drilled holes in the bottle caps.
I didn’t have the sticks she used, so I cut up a long match we had and thankfully the straws were still wide enough.
David put the straws through.
And we glued them to the truck.
Here are two shots of the finished product.
And here’s David playing with it.
This was a quick and super-fun project. Highly recommended. David loves loves loves his truck.
Today was a quieter day with fewer accomplishments. That’s usually the way it goes. Ebbs and flows.
To be honest, it’s cause I’m trying to force myself to read this book and despite my attempts, I am really not enjoying it but I can’t get myself to put it down (for the third time! i’ve attempted to read this book before.) but then when I try to read it, I fall asleep, I get distracted. Anything but read the book. Maybe it’s a sign.
I love watching the kids play together. It’s the best part of having two (at least so far.)
Nathaniel’s gotten old enough to eat a bunch of finger foods. He can now eat bananas, cheerios, and the teething biscuits all by himself. Without biting too much. He’s learned to pace himself and chew first. He has almost six teeth now so that’s a lot to bite with.
And he doesn’t stop at food. He will bite any and everything he sees and he will put everything in his mouth. David never did this as a baby. He was good at differentiating between food items and non-food items. I wish that were true of Nathaniel, too.
A short visit to my friends Nicholas and Ty’s house (where I got to meet their new bulldog, Peaches) and a trip to Michael’s where the other highlights of my day. I finished my week-in-life project. And now I can relax and see if I can read more of this book.
I hope your weekend was relaxing, fun, and joyful.
Note to Self:
Over the years, I’ve had different ideas on how long you read a book before you put it down. For a while, it was never, and then I decided it was 100 minus my age so when I’m 20, I have to read 80 pages before I can abandon. Now that I am 35, I can read 65 before I make up my mind. I know some people decide more quickly than that and others don’t ever abandon. I don’t know the right answer. I do know that if I spend time reading an 858-page book and in the end I still hated it, that time was not spent in the best way it could have been and I will never get it back. I also know that some books do get better and if I stick with it, I end up being grateful that I did. So what’s the magic? What’s the “I’ve read enough and I know if the rest will be worth it or not” point in a book?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for friends like Cole and Ty. For simple presents like honey.
2. I am grateful for some new edge punches I got. They always seem to make me happy.
3. I am grateful I feel fulfilled and happy at the end of this wonderfully simple and ordinary weekend.
This is done with the December A Million Memories Kit. Journaling Reads:
My little boy, I can’t believe you’ve already turned six months old. You now have two bottom teeth and can crawl a little here and there, especially when you’re really motivated. You suck your thumb with all your might and it keeps you calm and happy. You can now sit up and do so often in bed to play with your little teddy bear and bunny.
Your naps are finally getting a bit more predictable and I know that if I put you in your bed and leave you alone, you’ll be sleeping within minutes. You have just begun eating solid foods and so far you like pears and bananas and don’t really care for peas. (Neither does your older brother!)
David, your Daddy, and I are all in love with you. We all want to hug you and kiss you nonstop. And you always smile and laugh and welcome the attention and love. You are impossible not to love.
We cannot wait to see what the next six months bring and we’re so thankful you’ve come into our lives, we love you so very much Nathaniel. Happy six months.
Great, wonderful day! I got a ton of work done. I got to spend tons of time with my family. I embroidered. I did some art. I watched TV and I am off to read some now. Can it get any better? I think not.
Nathaniel was really cranky all day today. He had some blotches in his face (maybe the strawberries I gave him? or it could be his drool. hard to tell.) but mostly he was super tired and weepy and sad. I am hoping it was just a mood and he’s not coming down with something. It’s so hard to see him so sad. But so cute when he wakes up from a long long nap.
This morning, the three of us were sitting on the couch together, talking to my mom so I asked Jake to snap a photo (look at me, two times in two weeks!!) and I love this one of us laughing. Love my kids.
Well not much to chat about today. Trying to get organized and see what more I have to get done.
Note to Self:
I’ve noticed that having Nathaniel cry drives me insane. Even if he’s crying for no reason. When he’s grouchy and I can’t do anything to stop him, I get snappy at everyone around me. I am rude and mean and feel frustrated. The truth is, I feel incompetent. I don’t know why he’s upset. I can’t stop it. And he can’t tell me. All of this drives me insane. I have a biological response to it. A need to take his sadness away. And yet I can’t. I know this will happen again and I need to make my peace with it. It will happen to David, too. People will hurt him. He might even hurt himself and I can’t always take it away. I can just be here and make sure he knows that I am here. I can also try not to be mean to other people who love me. I am sorry, Jake. I love you.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Jake spent a lot of time with us today and played with the kids a lot. Wrestling, the Wii, laughing, hugging. I love seeing them together and am grateful for family-filled days like this.
2. I am really grateful for my little week-in-the-life project that I started last weekend. It’s turned out really beautiful and it’s been a joy to work on it all week.
3. I am grateful for a productive day. It’s rare that it’s family-filled and productive all in one and I am so thankful for it.
This was another one of the items that got done during our trip to Big Bear/LA:
19. Learn to change a tire
My intention with this one was for me to actually change the tire but since I wanted every step, I am going to count it for now because I did learn to change one. I will still plan to change one by myself this year, too and if I do, I’ll come back and edit this.
When we went to Big Bear, our tire was being funny but we added air to it and got on the road. After the three days it sat in the driveway there, it was completely flat. So we had to change it.
As it turned out, we were missing the toolset for it, but thankfully Kendall’s car had what we needed the most. (Kendall and Holly were in Big Bear with us and had rented a car.)
The first thing was to take off the spare. We have a CRV so we had a full-sized spare.
He then unfastened the bolts in the tire (the flat one) one quarter turn and then jacked up the car (you had to find the part under the car that the jack hooks into to make sure the car doesn’t topple over.
After he jacked up the car so the tire was completely off the ground, he took of the bolts and the tire and put the new one on. Then he fastened the bolts (not too tight cause it will break the rim and it will make it hard to remove the next time.) Then we slowly put the car back down and put the flat tire in the place where the spare was sitting and bolted it back and we were pretty much set.
It all sounds easy and Kendall made it look easy but I think it’s pretty hard and I just hope never to have to do it by myself.
A sampling of what I’ve been doing in Teresa’s class. Loving it so far.
Lots of photos today. We went to the park with playgroup today so I snapped a lot of the kids.
I love these shots. Seeing David play with Nathaniel.
And some more of the sweet boy.
It was his first time on the swing.
And I can kiss this guy fifty times a day and it won’t be enough.
Got more work done today. Not a lot but still feeling ok about it. This was a rough week for me. A lot of crying. A lot of headaches. Not enough sleep. I am hoping I can be productive and rest a lot this weekend.
I hope you have a great weekend.
Note to Self:
I have a long list of todo items this weekend and it’s always so stressful to know that I have two days and everything must get packed into these days. Which is ridiculous of course. So I need to be realistic and just know that it’s only two days. And all that matters now is being with my family. The other stuff is nice but also can wait. Maybe if I say it enough times, I will believe it.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Our short visit to the park was wonderful. I was grateful for the good weather and some fun company. I like being around other people and so does Nathaniel.
2. I am grateful that my kids like to play together. I love watching them.
3. I am grateful for the embroidery class. It’s so relaxing and just what I need right now.
The journaling reads:
It might seem odd to file coffee as something that’s good for my soul but, for me, it really is. With two kids and a job, my mornings are really hectic. The kids get up early and I am often drowsy and in pain from too little sleep. Then there’s the making breakfast for everyone, changing, nursing, and feeding the baby and getting everyone dressed. Next thing I know, we’re driving to David’s school.
After I drop David off, we come back home and I put Nathaniel down for his nap. While he’s napping, I prepare my coffee and grab some graham crackers (and maybe a chocolate if we have any left.) Then I get to sit down and enjoy the first quiet moment I got that day. For the next forty-five minutes or so, I cherish the solitude and “me” time.
These forty-five minutes have become my favorite part of my day. I love my kids and my husband and my job and my crazy life but there’s something magical in pausing for a short while every day and just taking some time for myself.
Another one from our walk.
Today was David’s school had its 100th day in their new building. So they had a pajama party and counted tons of snacks in tens and visited other classrooms. They had a lot of fun and it was great to see him so happy. I snapped a few photos of him in class and when I put Nathaniel down to take the photos, he hugged and kissed his brother.
I love these boys madly.
A little more productive today. At least at work. Feels great to be almost caught up. I’ve been having headaches every day this week though and I am feeling really tired. Sleeping fitfully. I am hoping this weekend will bring some rest.
Note to Self:
My audiobook has been discussing things like why siblings fight or how much teenagers lie to their kids. All of these things make me shudder with fear. I am so worried about all the milestones my kids will be passing. All the friends they might make. The choices. The struggles. There is so much room for things to go wrong. I just hope that the ramifications aren’t too high. It’s hard work raising kids.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Helping my husband get some stuff done tonight (some eat the frog stuff even!). It always makes me feel good to help someone else.
2. I am really enjoying my project this week (more on this next week) and I love getting to do some scrapping every night.
3. I got my Somerset Studio in the mail today and I love that. I don’t get any magazines except for this one and one more so I am always excited when they come in the mail. Just seeing Kelly Rae’s beautiful art on the cover makes me happy.
Kim, this one’s all your fault. I listened to an audio excerpt of Karen’s new book (Hand Wash Cold which I have on preorder.) and then I saw Kim’s thoughts on Momma Zen on her blog and decided I had to have it.
Momma Zen took me a day to read. I couldn’t put it down and there were so many excerpts I underlined that I don’t even know where to begin. Since I want to meditate more and be more self-aware this year, there were a lot of lessons here.
Here are some excerpts I liked:
In actuality, there is never any such thing as solid ground, but strapped securely inside our heads, where we live most of the time, things seem pretty predictable and safe. We think we are the captain of the ship. We are prepared to steer, to give orders, and to reach our intended destination just the way we want to. How we fear our navigational errors! How earnestly we aim! When you go into labor, you see that you are not the captain of the ship. You are the ship. There is no captain. There are only waves.
—
I am devoted to the schedule. I am devoted to the routine to maintain physical and mental health. For my daughter, yes, but above all for me. The structure lends security. The focus gives me sanity. The predictability begets, in a paradoxical way, freedom.
—
The point is not that we lose our cool, the point is how quickly we find it again.
—
You don't have to work so hard at this. You don't have to do so much. You don't have to endeavor to be natural, normal, and good. It happens by itself when you least expect it. If you're confused about what you should be doing, this this. Stop what you are doing. Take care of what is in front of you, when it is in front of you, and the confusion will pass. This is called the effort of no effort. No effort is what powers the universe.
—
Happy matters most of all. And here's the surprise ending. You don't have to wait for happiness, because there's no time but now to be happy. You don't have to go somewhere else, because there's no place but here to find it. You don't have to do something else, because there's nothing more to it. You don't have to get something else, because everything you already have is enough. You just have to be happy.
—
Amen.
This week’s download is some circular sayings. Here is what they look like:
You can download it here: circular sayings download.
You are welcome to play with these as much as you want and use them anywhere you’d like. You are NOT allowed to sell them ever. You don’t have to but I’d appreciate a link back if you do use them.
This is part of a weekly digital download series. They are posted every Thursday. You can find all of the ones that were posted here. If you like my downloads, please click here and give me ideas/requests for 2010. I would like to continue this feature but I am not sure I can come up with enough ideas on my own.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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