Now that the day is over and I look back, I am shocked at how little I did today. I finished a book and read a bunch of another one and that’s it. I hugged my kids. I didn’t even rest but I feel great. I am not all recovered and I am a bit scared of all that has to get done this week but it’s ok. It will all work out, one step at a time. Yes, it will.
Nathaniel still chews like mad. He’s got four teeth and another two coming out. He’s so cute. (And, yes, don’t worry, I make sure parts don’t come off that man.) He is going through this phase though, where he comes and lies on my lap all day long. I love it unless I have to get something done. Then it makes me go a bit crazy. And at night….well let’s just say it’s no fun at night.
Note to Self:
Two things today. The first is that I was chatting with my mom on Skype today and she had a bunch of friends over so they were all over the video talking to me and my kids. Usually this would irritate me to no end. (A long story that involves a lot of frustrations from my childhood that I might finally be letting go of.) But today, for the first time, I realized what she must be feeling while she did this. As her friends talked to David and watched Nathaniel and gushed over both of them, I felt so proud of my kids. I am so proud of them. I don’t take credit and feel like it’s my doing but I still feel like my kids are great (for the most part) and I am proud of them and so while they talked to them, I was beaming. Then I realized that it must be how my mom feels about me. Why she wants to show me off to others. In my many years of running away and wanting to be “private” I’ve sort of denied her that joy. I’m sorry, Mom and I love you. I’ll try to be much more accommodating, I promise.
The second thing was during dinner. I made Nathaniel some peas and apples and while he was eating them, I put the bowl on his tray and his fingers went right in it. Normally I’d freak out and take it away to make sure he doesn’t make a mess but tonight I just let him play. He got all dirty but he loved it. He was so fascinated with it and he didn’t actually do the kid thing of smearing it everywhere. He just played and looked at it and touched it some more. It reminded me that I need to let go more (yes, i know i say this every day). It’s ok to make a mess. It’s ok to give up a bit of control. I cleaned up and then we had a fun bath and all was good as new.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for friends like Tonya and Lori who are online for me to chat with and vent to when I need it.
2. I am grateful for a long and nice conversation with my friend Diane whom I look up to in so many ways. It’s an extra privilege to be able to help someone whom you look up to so much.
3. I am grateful that Jake is back home, safe and sound. Our home is so much better with him in it.
Journaling Reads:
we decided to take
a family trip to cayucos, ca
a lovely, little beach town
in central coast
we’d never been there before
and hoped it was as nice
as they said
and it was
we relaxed the whole time
ate cookies and drank cider
david watched tons of movies
and played checkers
we walked on the beach
tried to fly our kite
and enjoyed every minute
of being together.
here’s to more vacations
just like that.
Remember how I wrote about eating better a few weeks ago. I am still working on that. Jake went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and some meat for us. So, this morning, I cooked some beef, broccoli, eggplant, eggs, and squash. (all separately) and I have them all ready in the fridge. I also cut up tomatoes and cucumbers. I then made myself this lunch.
And stuck most of it in a sandwich.
Yum.
Since I don’t cook most of the time, we rarely ever eat and meat or fish here. I decided I needed more protein (more energy) so I got some beef, chicken, and some sole and I plan to cook it all in the next two days and eat a little along with my meals every day. I figure it will take me to Thursday or so. For Friday, I have some tuna. Not to mention the protein from eggs and cheese and yogurt. And then we’ll shop again on the weekend. Not bad, eh?
Here’s the little boy. He still has some dry blotches all over his skin from the Big Bear trip but I am hoping they will go away soon. Still the drippy, full nose, too.
I am feeling a bit better. Still not 100% but on the mend. Thankfully. A mostly-quiet day here today. A nice chat with my mom, some fun time with the kids and a bunch of cooking. Nothing at all major. Now relaxing with TV and possibly some sewing.
Note to Self:
I was watching The Barefoot Contessa today and I noticed that after she cooks (or even as she cooks) she always says how delicious something looks or how great it tastes, etc. Like she’s self-congratulating the whole way through. When I see people say how much they love their layouts, art, whatever, my first reaction is always to think “what makes you so great?” and I realized today how bitter and cynical that sounds. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cynical. I’ve also realized I do that because I am never happy with anything I do. I am never proud of myself or my work or art. I don’t know if I feel it’s snotty to be so or if I feel that me being proud would preclude others from being so or who knows why. Then I wondered how life might be if I really did like my work. If I were proud of myself. More significantly, if I liked myself. What if I just liked everything I made. What if I were happy with it. And marveled at it (like Ina does) wouldn’t that be amazing? I think that would significantly change the way the world works for me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were just happy with my art? Not in a “I am just perfect” way but in that “This was an awesome effort” way?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for all the cooked food in the fridge. It makes me happy to open it and see all the possibilities.
2. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better and all of us finally seem to be on the mend. That took too long.
3. I am grateful for some quiet time where I get to relax and do whatever my heart desires.
Happy Saturday!
This was one of the items that got done during our trip to Big Bear/LA:
21. Finish all the consulate work in LA
I’ve been married almost eight years, had a kid 5 years ago, and became a citizen 4.5 years ago and had another baby 9 months ago. As these things happened, I was supposed to notify the Turkish government so they were aware of it.
Then Turkey changed their social security cards and mine became obsolete. And then my passport expired. So now, none of my paperwork is valid. My kids are not Turkish citizens and I have been putting off taking care of this for a long, long time.
During our trip to Anaheim for CHA, I decided to finally take care of it all. I had done the marriage part through New York (we got married in Boston) so I brought all the paperwork they needed, some photos, some cash and I was ready.
Except they had no internet so none of their systems were working. My kids were sick and grouchy and we all wanted to go home already.
Thankfully a very kind woman who works there felt sorry for me, gave me all the forms to fill out and took my money and my details and said she’d take care of it all for me and to call her in a month to follow up but I should be all set.
So I gave her all my documentation and we got back in the car to go home.
Assuming they don’t lose all my identification, this was a very successful and short trip.
And most significantly, it’s done. Done. Done. Done.
You know how sometimes you put something off so long that it feels like a huge burden. That’s what this was, so it’s a big deal that it’s done.
yey!
And more snow. Sick of it yet?
Now that the kids are well, it was bound to happen: I am totally sick. Shivering, sweating, in pain, sick sick sick. Last night was really scary, I was drenched in sweat and Nathaniel was crying and I wasn’t sure how to make it to morning. It’s funny that I was telling Jake I wish I could have a weekend where I did nothing but watch TV. And he said that I could and I said that I couldn’t. It looks like I can because I certainly cannot do anything else. I am so so tired. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling me to rest.
Here’s David wearing my hat. Doesn’t he look amazing?
Nathaniel wasn’t too excited about wearing it. Like his mommy, he doesn’t care for hats.
Not much else to say today except that I am tired. I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
Note to Self:
I was watching a TV show today where a girl had an accident which caused her to have to give up on a particular dream (she was a gymnast and she broke her back) and it made me realize that we’re so lucky because in our lifetime we get to have so many dreams. If you’d told me ten years ago that I would spend this much time scrapbooking and doing art, I would have laughed at you. I was writing novels then and had dreams about bring in print. Now I have dreams related to my art. Ten years from now, I will have other dreams. I dreamt about living in New York, San Diego, and San Francisco and got to have them all come true. I dreamt about a green card and then citizenship. I dreamt about healthy kids. I just feel lucky that I get to dream so much and so many of my dreams come true. It also reminds me not to get caught up on any particular dream too much, as I am likely to have more dreams so it’s ok if one particular one doesn’t come true.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am thankful to have lots of fun TV to watch since I am so sick and not really able to do much of anything else.
2. I am thankful that Jake bought lots of groceries today and we have fresh fruits and veggies to eat now.
3. I am thankful that I have the world’s greatest kids and that they were so nice to me today when I really needed them to be. I am really so very blessed and I do not forget that for an instant.
The journaling reads:
Last year, one of the teachers in David’s preschool told me that I should get some workbooks for David. “He’s showing an interest in the ones we have at school and I think he might like to have some at home,” she said.
So I got a bunch of workbooks for us to do together. David devoured them. And then my sister brought some from Turkey when she came to visit. David devoured those, too. He colored them, he put stickers in the right places, he connected the lines. He just loved working his way through the different exercises.
This year, I got him a whole set of new workbooks. Ones on math and letters and thinking skills and we regularly sit together and work on them. He’s not even five and he can already read and write all of his upper and lowercase letters. He can count to who knows what number and he can do basic addition and subtraction. All because he wants to.
And because these magical workbooks make it so much fun.
More snow. There was so so much.
Things are finally getting better here. The kids are feeling better. The noses are still running but fevers are gone and the moods are improved. I love watching my kids play together. I get so much joy out of it.
And here’s the little boy. Always with things in his mouth.
Chewing and chewing. He’s already got 4 teeth and I think 2 more are coming out. I am guessing that’s why he’s chewing so very much.
Nathaniel was really off last night. His nose was so full that he couldn’t sleep and wanted to hold my hand from 10-midnight. He slept on my hand and if I moved at all, he’d wake up and cry. And then he woke up at 4:30 and would not go back to sleep so he just nursed and nursed until morning and since he hadn’t eaten enough yesterday, I just let him drink. Which all meant that I was wiped all day.
Note to Self:
There are certain things that I just don’t deal well with and it’s important for me to know that. Today, someone came to fix the crack in our windshield and within minutes I was signing all these waivers that my windshield might crack or that I could still see the crack even when it’s filled and I just felt immediately stressed out. I was annoyed that I had to make such choices and I was frustrated that if they broke my window, it was going to be my problem. It could be that I was so tired but I just felt overwhelmed and unable to make the decision. As it turned out, he fixed the crack and we’re all set but it was amazing to notice how much I got worked up over it.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am really grateful that the windshield is now fixed.
2. I ordered our Christmas tree and that makes me really really happy. It was on my list since the first week of January.
3. I am thankful my family is healing and that things might slowly be getting back to normal.
This week’s download is some circular journaling. Here is what they look like:
You can download it here: circular journaling download.
You are welcome to play with these as much as you want and use them anywhere you’d like. You are NOT allowed to sell them ever. You don’t have to but I’d appreciate a link back if you do use them.
This is part of a weekly digital download series. They are posted every Thursday. You can find all of the ones that were posted here. If you like my downloads, please click here and give me ideas/requests for 2010. I would like to continue this feature but I am not sure I can come up with enough ideas on my own.
Anne Tyler is my favorite writer. I love her. I love her books. I love the ordinariness of her characters and how their small lives suck me in. How much I love living in her worlds and how sad I am when they are over. When I heard Noah’s Compass was coming out, I was so excited. Another novel by Tyler. She does write consistently but she’s not so prolific. You have to be patient. I wish she wrote six books a year, I can never get enough.
Noah’s Compass was no exception. I read it in one day. I wished there was more. I felt like I was living in the world of her characters. It made me think about growing old. About the choices I make. About how much presence matters. Being present in your own life. Being there. now. Being here. now. Taking it all in. Being accountable. How very much it all matters.
I love this book. I need to go back and read some of her older books now. She’s so very magnificent.
Another photo from Big Bear. I don’t like the composition here but I love the photo for some reason.
The kids are still really sick. Nathaniel has a lowish grade fever. Last night he went to bed at 4pm and I thought he’d take a quickie nap but he would not wake up so I let him sleep and he woke up briefly at 10pm for some milk and then slept all the way to 7:15am. I woke up a few times but overall this meant that I got some really good sleep.
His nose is dripping constantly and I don’t want to wipe it cause he really hates it.
David’s is too and he’s all red under his nose. So it’s a lot of grouchiness and whining here, still. Rightfully so. Today was a bit better but I am still not back in my routine, David’s still home from school, and I just have so much catching up to do. But all shall happen in time. I am trying to be patient. And reminding myself that it’s not a race and all shall get done in time.
Note to Self:
I had to spend some of today shopping for gifts and some essentials and I just want to say that I HATE shopping. Even for fun stuff. I just spend hours and hours reading reviews that contradict each other 100% and get even more confused and then try to get a good deal so I spend way more hours that I should need to on that where it’s not even worth the deal anymore. So much wasted time and effort that by the end of it, I feel spent, frustrated, and just sad I have to do it at all. So I just hate shopping. I hate everything about it.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful that Nathaniel seems to be getting better. He’s eating a bit more and is a little less lethargic.
2. I am really grateful that the stupid shopping is done and now I have booster seats coming my way and a bunch of other essentials. And I’ve already made appointments to get seats installed in the cars and get the windshield fixed and get the cars detailed. A bunch of todo list items are done.
3. I am grateful that while I have a bunch of things I’d like to get done, I don’t actually have any major deadlines so I can take my time and get things done slowly and deliberately. I am aware that this is a luxury.
A photo from our trip to Big Bear.
As it turns out, I am not really over our week. I am still feeling tired, worn out, and all around grouchy. I didn’t really get anything done today and yet I still feel uneasy and full of frustration. I am hoping it will go away.
Nathaniel is still sick with a fever, cough, and runny nose. He’s feeling miserable and I am not sure how to help him. So I try to make sure he rests a lot, drinks a lot of milk, and gets regular medicine. I am hoping he’ll feel better soon.
Though he’s generally in good spirits which is wonderful. So is David despite his continually running nose. (So much that he’s got sores between his lips and nose from blowing it so much.)
I am just feeling overwhelmed and tired. This vacation was supposed to be relaxing and a lot of resting, instead it was mostly stress and more stress so now I don’t know how to rest.
Note to Self:
I need to make a list of things that can help me get out of a funk. I don’t want to waste any of my days being in a funk but I don’t really know how to cure it. I know some people need fresh air, others use food, or a shower, or a good book. I just need to make my own list and when I am having days like this, I need to just go down the list until one works. Do you have such a list? Or things that often help you get out of a funk?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Our car. We have a Honda CRV which has been a trooper this whole trip. We got it serviced today and I am so thankful for this durable, dependable car.
2. I am still so very thankful to be back in my home, under my own covers, with heating.
3. Since we were gone for a few days, there’s lots of saved shows on the TiVo. I am grateful to have so much fun stuff to watch.
edited to add: I actually wrote this last night but for some reason WP never published it. ugh. sorry.
Catalyst Ninety-Eight is: What does your future hold?.
Journaling Reads:
When I thought of this catalyst the word that kept coming back to me over and over again was bliss. I am not sure why. But when I think of my life, the overwhelming sensation is bliss and gratitude. So at this point, while I know nothing about my future, all I feel is that it holds more bliss. May that be true.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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