And another lovely day. Not as productive as yesterday but pretty darn good. I still have a whole lot of work to do to catch up to all the work that I didn’t get to do when I was away but I am feeling more optimistic. A little worried about next week but in general optimistic.
Little boy, laughing at (with really) his brother which he does ten/twenty times a day.
It’s so much fun having the two of them because I can watch them laugh and laugh all day long. I am really really blessed.
Note to Self:
I’ve been listening to this book on the way to and from taking David to school and it’s got me thinking a lot about accepting myself and loving myself and paying attention to my thoughts and saying no, etc. When I first put the audio book in, it sounded so cheesy that I stopped listening to it twice. But I powered on, mostly because the author was recommended by someone I admired, and it’s been paying off. This book has been really thought-provoking and I have learned a lot. Sometimes it pays to give things a second (or third) chance.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am thankful for the giggles of my kids. I spend so many minutes of my day just giggling with them and that’s a true luxury.
2. Yesterday, Jake said “You’re so lucky that you get to be home with these boys.” And he’s so right. I am so so so lucky and so thankful.
3. I am thankful for my bed. It may sound odd but I have a bad back and my bed is absolutely awesome. I love it.
This week’s download is some baby circles. Here is what they look like:
You can download it here: baby circles download.
You are welcome to play with these as much as you want and use them anywhere you’d like. You are NOT allowed to sell them ever. You don’t have to but I’d appreciate a link back if you do use them.
This is part of a weekly digital download series. They are posted every Thursday. You can find all of the ones that were posted here. If you like my downloads, please click here and give me ideas/requests for 2010. I would like to continue this feature but I am not sure I can come up with enough ideas on my own.
I’ve been a fan of Malcolm Gladwell for as long as I can remember. Jake and I used to read his stories in the New Yorker and I’ve devoured all of his books. My favorite is still The Tipping Point.
When I heard about What the Dog Saw I knew it would be the perfect book to listen to in the car. So for the last month or so, I’ve been listening to it on my drives back and forth from David’s school.
What the Dog Saw is a collection of Gladwell’s articles from the New Yorker. There are a wide range of stories from hair dye to crime to dogs to ketchup and in Gladwell’s typical style, they are interesting and make you think. I always find his topics, style and writing thought-provoking and this was no exception.
I am a Gladwell fan and will continue to read his books and stories for as long as he’ll continue to write them.
Much better day today. Nathaniel decided not to take his super early nap so when I came home from dropping off David, I put him down and he slept the whole two hours which meant that I was able to get a ton of work done. Which immediately made me feel better of course.
The rest of the day I actually did even more work and finally I feel much better about the upcoming week. I am still very scared of the unknown but I feel as armed as possible.
Nathaniel loves visiting David at his table and I always try to snap a photo when he does it and I am never really successful. Today wasn’t much better but here we are.
I am still not caught up in the new episode of Lost. I am about halfway through but with two kids and work, it’s been hard to watch, especially since it needs my attention. Instead I worked on my AMM layouts for February. I finished one and am almost done with a second one. I have so little journaling this month across all my photos. I don’t know if that’s because I have nothing to say or if I am feeling too tired to journal. Let’s see if I still have no words tomorrow.
Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking a lot about seeking approval lately. (I do this a lot.) In many areas of my life. And I have been listening to this book which talks about how we get upset when people voice what we think. It made me wonder. It’s certainly true for me that if I don’t believe (or wonder about) something, it doesn’t matter if someone else puts me down. For example, while I am far from the smartest person I know, I’ve never been dumb. I never worry that I am stupid. It just doesn’t even cross my mind. So if someone says “You’re stupid.” I don’t really take it to heart and wonder if they are right. I might feel like I acted stupidly or that I have a lot to learn about this particular topic or whatever, but I don’t judge my overall ability. I don’t feel stupid just cause the person said so. I don’t worry that they might be right. And I also don’t seek confirmation that I am not stupid. Yet, none of this is true for my art for example. If someone were to tell me that I was completely not-talented and my pages were crap, I would likely believe them. And that they know better than I do and they are probably right. So it’s only in areas where I doubt myself that people can get to me. That I seek approval and acceptance.
But the funny thing is, I don’t know what will do the trick. What will need to happen for me to internalize that my art is beautiful and has its own merit? Does someone “famous” need to endorse me? Do I need to get published a lot? (because I’ve already been published in a book and clearly that didn’t do the trick.) Will I need to be on a manufacturer team? More design teams? More blog readers/followers? What’s the answer here?
This is a trick question. There is no answer. No one and nothing can make me feel better. Only I can. Only. Me. I need to work on this.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting some work done! Good, solid work makes me happy.
2. Connecting with a friend at work today. I work with this person but we never really chatted before. Today we did and it was great.
3. Starting on my kit. This month’s kit came at a bad time for me so I need to scramble to get it done yet I am forcing myself to take my time and be ok with that.
Catalyst Ninety-Nine is: What’s something you wish you knew about your parents?
The Journaling:
I wish I knew you when you were kids. I wish I knew your dreams. What did you want to be when you grew up? What hopes did you have for the future? Did you wonder how your life was going to turn out? Were you happy? How I wish I knew you when you were little. How I wish we could have been friends then. I love you.
I am so tired. Nathaniel is still screaming most of the night and even when I am not nursing, I can’t sleep so I just lie there, hurting. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so wiped.
This afternoon, we took a short walk so I could take some photos and we ran into a neighbor and her kids and they took some of the walk with us. When we got to the bridge, David and the little girl looked at the ducks while Nathaniel sucked his thumb.
And then gave me some smiles.
Just low on energy today so I’ll work on putting creative therapy together and go to bed.
Note to Self:
When we went for our walk today. I had a specific goal in mind. When we then ran into our neighbors, I was annoyed that I had to change my plans because she told her kid (and mine) that we could walk around elsewhere and then afterwards as she almost did it again, I had to nicely (i think) tell her that I wanted to go take some photos and had to get back home to work. I felt awkward afterwards but I didn’t want to be doing what we were doing it. My first reaction was that I should be flexible but then I remembered the book I was listening to today and remembered that I should say no more often. I should not do things I don’t want to do. Life’s too short. I need to stop feeling guilty. That’s something that I really need to work on. The guilt.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my job is flexible enough to allow me to rest when I deeply need to like tonight.
2. I am still eating those yummy sandwiches from Saturday’s post. I am grateful for the fresh food, veggies and protein.
3. I am back to reading books on my Sony reader. It’s amazing but I love it way more than reading in book form as it turns out.
The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
For the last week or so, I’ve been reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, Committed which is about marriage. I have many thoughts and feelings about the book but the passage that led me to today’s post was about how generations and generations of women in her family have given up personal hopes and dreams in favor of their family. Here’s the passage:
The women in my family, anyhow, are very good at swallowing disappointment and moving on. They have, it has always seemed to me, a sort of talent for changing form, enabling them to dissolve an then flow around the needs of their partners, or the needs of their children, or the needs of mere quotidian reality. They adjust, adapt, glide, accept. They are mighty in their maleability, almost to the point of superhuman power. I grew up watching a mother who became with every new day whatever that day required of her. She produced gills when she needed gills, grew wings when the gills became obsolete, manifested ferociuos speed when speed was required, and demonstrated epic patience in other more subtle circumstances.
My father had none of that elasticity. He was a man, an engineer, fixed and steady. He was always the same. He was Dad. He was the rock in the stream. We all moved around him, but my mother most of all. She was mercury, the tide. Due to this supreme adaptability, she created the best possible world for us within her home.
I am an engineer and I am lucky enough to have been able to achieve many of my dreams and yet so much of this still speaks to me. In my natural state, I aim to please people and I will bend and contort to help them out. Nothing makes me happier than to see my husband and kids (and loved ones) happy. I will do countless sacrifices to get them to be happy and feel very guilty if I cannot (or choose not to) prioritize their happiness over mine in certain situations.
And I don’t regret that. I love making my family happy. I don’t mind sacrificing for them. It doesn’t feel like a burden because it’s a choice I make. And I know many other women who do that, too. I think women, as a gender, are pleasers (yes I know I am generalizing) and tend to sacrifice personal joy and happiness sometimes.
Yet, it’s important to take care of oneself, too. I know that my husband and kids also like to see me happy. They feel better when I am happy and smiling and rested and taking care of myself. So this month’s theme is one I am going to take to heart. I think it’s important to feed the soul. When life gets too hectic (as is often the case) we tend to forget that. We do the urgent and then the more urgent and then we collapse in bed and then do more of the same the next day.
It’s important to take time for yourself. Even for six minutes a day. That’s not so long. I told myself last week that I would like to mediate for five minutes everyday. I tend to be very fidgety and I am always doing stuff or talking so staying completely still and completely quiet for five whole minutes would actually be hard for me. But it might be good for my soul. So is taking a walk and noticing the flowers. Or connecting with a friend. Or eating a healthy lunch. Or getting a manicure. Or journaling.
Sometimes a few minutes spent on yourself gives you enough positive energy for the whole day which then means you’re nicer to your kids, husband, workmates or even strangers. It means you’re more productive and optimistic. These are the dividends of self-care. They are worth it.
You are worth it.
So pay attention to yourself. See how much time you’re taking for yourself. See what gives your soul a lift and try to squeeze some more of those things each day.
That’s my goal for this month, too.
I registered David for Kindergarten today. Oh my how the time passes. It wasn’t so long ago that he looked so tiny and couldn’t walk or talk. And now he’s almost off to school. Life really does pass so quickly.
When I came back home, the day turned hectic quickly, not to mention the almost two weeks of work that’s been piling up while we were away and sick. This and next week promise to be rough at work.
And since Nathaniel is going through the “i must lie on your lap and be right on you” phase, I dragged a big bin of toys into my room and encouraged him to explore while I worked.
It worked for a while but it didn’t take him too long to figure out that he wasn’t lying on my lap at which point he indicated clearly that, that was to be remedied asap.
So most of the day went in a blur. Trying to keep the kids happy and get through as much work as possible. I have a bunch more to do tonight before I can rest. And since Nathaniel is spending most of the night unhappy and screaming, I am not getting much rest either. Oh well. C’est la vie.
Note to You:
So many people leave comments here about how much I do and how they don’t know how I do it all and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I totally don’t do it all. I know that the web has a tendency to skew things and make you think you know all about someone’s life and it gives you the unfortunate opportunity to compare their best to your worst so I wanted to make sure you knew about the long list of things I DO NOT get done that I think most people do:
I do not cook (maybe once a week and even then really simple things, most people spend a lot of time cooking daily). I do not clean. I put the dishes in the machine and away and wipe the counters but that’s it. I have a wonderful cleaning lady who comes and does the rest of the house. I haven’t even unpacked my vacuum cleaner. (Another thing that a lot of people do daily.) There are nights when my kids get a long nighttime routine with baths, stories, etc. and just as many nights when they go right to sleep. I don’t put make up on. Almost ever. Even these things take time. I rarely ever just watch TV. I am often scrapping, working, or processing photos while I watch TV. I have too many emails sitting in my inbox unanswered. (more than i’d like). I don’t hang out with my friends regularly. (Actually we all hang out very rarely, most of us work a lot and have kids and our lives are too hectic. This is something I’d like to change but haven’t managed to yet.) I also don’t talk on the phone all that much. Besides AMM, I don’t have any online communities I spend time on. I spend no time on Facebook or Twitter and check them maybe once a day and more often once or twice a week. I don’t exercise at all. None. I play with my kids but they also play on their own a lot. David spends a few hours everyday by himself. Drawing, playing, whatever but it’s quiet time where he plays alone, I work and the baby sleeps. Both my kids go to bed between 6-7 so we have reasonable amount of time alone at night.
So here are a list of things I don’t do. Things most people do and things that take time. I use that time to do other things I like to do like reading and art, etc. And it goes in spurts. Some days I am super productive and get three weeks of work/stuff done in two days and then other days I get nothing done all day. I think this is natural and I’ve come to accept it (albeit begrudgingly.) But I wanted to make sure you knew that I slack in a million ways (some of which I am sure you wouldn’t approve of) and I am no super-human.
Note to Self:
I am really uncomfortable with new things and with the unknown. I am one of those people who can eat the same meal every single day and never bore. I like the familiar. This is not to say I don’t like challenges but I do worry about what I don’t know. Today I got a new assignment at work and I know nothing about it. And I was immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility and the not knowing how to fix it all at once. I like to be good at my job and I am always worried about how much I don’t know and how well I want to perform. So what I tend to do is build up a lot of adrenaline from the stress and worry and dive into solving this problem of the “unknown” immediately. And it’s exactly what I did. I stressed and tried to learn all that I could. Except that I can’t really do it until next week so I have to be patient and just hope that when the time comes, I will be able to figure it out. You’d think after a career of 14 years I’d trust myself more but I am still scared, still worried about messing up. I need to breathe more, calmly learn as much as I can, prepare as much as I can and then just trust myself and my abilities more. It will all work out. It always does, even when it doesn’t.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A really high quality public school, right by our house. (A distinguished one even.)
2. Awesome people to work with. Fun, intelligent, kind, generous and so helpful. What more can I ask for?
3. Having someone else do our taxes for once. I hate doing them and I am thankful that someone else can help us.
This week’s David decided we needed to do a treasure box. I had this old brownie box I’d been keeping so we decided to convert it.
We took a bunch of the excess paper I had from scrappy projects and tore it up to smaller pieces.
We then covered the box with glue and stuck the papers haphazardly so they covered the box. David did all the sticking with a little guidance from me. I then covered the whole thing with another layer of glue and we left it to dry.
We then did the sides and the other piece.
We cut off all the excess paper, glued down the stay bits and the next thing we knew, we had a fully covered box, waiting to hold some treasures. We might embellish it more but it looks pretty perfect as it is.
Now that the day is over and I look back, I am shocked at how little I did today. I finished a book and read a bunch of another one and that’s it. I hugged my kids. I didn’t even rest but I feel great. I am not all recovered and I am a bit scared of all that has to get done this week but it’s ok. It will all work out, one step at a time. Yes, it will.
Nathaniel still chews like mad. He’s got four teeth and another two coming out. He’s so cute. (And, yes, don’t worry, I make sure parts don’t come off that man.) He is going through this phase though, where he comes and lies on my lap all day long. I love it unless I have to get something done. Then it makes me go a bit crazy. And at night….well let’s just say it’s no fun at night.
Note to Self:
Two things today. The first is that I was chatting with my mom on Skype today and she had a bunch of friends over so they were all over the video talking to me and my kids. Usually this would irritate me to no end. (A long story that involves a lot of frustrations from my childhood that I might finally be letting go of.) But today, for the first time, I realized what she must be feeling while she did this. As her friends talked to David and watched Nathaniel and gushed over both of them, I felt so proud of my kids. I am so proud of them. I don’t take credit and feel like it’s my doing but I still feel like my kids are great (for the most part) and I am proud of them and so while they talked to them, I was beaming. Then I realized that it must be how my mom feels about me. Why she wants to show me off to others. In my many years of running away and wanting to be “private” I’ve sort of denied her that joy. I’m sorry, Mom and I love you. I’ll try to be much more accommodating, I promise.
The second thing was during dinner. I made Nathaniel some peas and apples and while he was eating them, I put the bowl on his tray and his fingers went right in it. Normally I’d freak out and take it away to make sure he doesn’t make a mess but tonight I just let him play. He got all dirty but he loved it. He was so fascinated with it and he didn’t actually do the kid thing of smearing it everywhere. He just played and looked at it and touched it some more. It reminded me that I need to let go more (yes, i know i say this every day). It’s ok to make a mess. It’s ok to give up a bit of control. I cleaned up and then we had a fun bath and all was good as new.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for friends like Tonya and Lori who are online for me to chat with and vent to when I need it.
2. I am grateful for a long and nice conversation with my friend Diane whom I look up to in so many ways. It’s an extra privilege to be able to help someone whom you look up to so much.
3. I am grateful that Jake is back home, safe and sound. Our home is so much better with him in it.
Journaling Reads:
we decided to take
a family trip to cayucos, ca
a lovely, little beach town
in central coast
we’d never been there before
and hoped it was as nice
as they said
and it was
we relaxed the whole time
ate cookies and drank cider
david watched tons of movies
and played checkers
we walked on the beach
tried to fly our kite
and enjoyed every minute
of being together.
here’s to more vacations
just like that.
Remember how I wrote about eating better a few weeks ago. I am still working on that. Jake went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and some meat for us. So, this morning, I cooked some beef, broccoli, eggplant, eggs, and squash. (all separately) and I have them all ready in the fridge. I also cut up tomatoes and cucumbers. I then made myself this lunch.
And stuck most of it in a sandwich.
Yum.
Since I don’t cook most of the time, we rarely ever eat and meat or fish here. I decided I needed more protein (more energy) so I got some beef, chicken, and some sole and I plan to cook it all in the next two days and eat a little along with my meals every day. I figure it will take me to Thursday or so. For Friday, I have some tuna. Not to mention the protein from eggs and cheese and yogurt. And then we’ll shop again on the weekend. Not bad, eh?
Here’s the little boy. He still has some dry blotches all over his skin from the Big Bear trip but I am hoping they will go away soon. Still the drippy, full nose, too.
I am feeling a bit better. Still not 100% but on the mend. Thankfully. A mostly-quiet day here today. A nice chat with my mom, some fun time with the kids and a bunch of cooking. Nothing at all major. Now relaxing with TV and possibly some sewing.
Note to Self:
I was watching The Barefoot Contessa today and I noticed that after she cooks (or even as she cooks) she always says how delicious something looks or how great it tastes, etc. Like she’s self-congratulating the whole way through. When I see people say how much they love their layouts, art, whatever, my first reaction is always to think “what makes you so great?” and I realized today how bitter and cynical that sounds. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cynical. I’ve also realized I do that because I am never happy with anything I do. I am never proud of myself or my work or art. I don’t know if I feel it’s snotty to be so or if I feel that me being proud would preclude others from being so or who knows why. Then I wondered how life might be if I really did like my work. If I were proud of myself. More significantly, if I liked myself. What if I just liked everything I made. What if I were happy with it. And marveled at it (like Ina does) wouldn’t that be amazing? I think that would significantly change the way the world works for me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were just happy with my art? Not in a “I am just perfect” way but in that “This was an awesome effort” way?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for all the cooked food in the fridge. It makes me happy to open it and see all the possibilities.
2. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better and all of us finally seem to be on the mend. That took too long.
3. I am grateful for some quiet time where I get to relax and do whatever my heart desires.
Happy Saturday!
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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