Before we had kids, Jake and I used to go back to Istanbul regularly. Each time we went home, my parents would take me to a new local place and we would always run into people I knew. Always. Istanbul has over 12 million people. Yet we would run into the same people over and over again.
I was flabbergasted by this. Until, I realized, of course, that the people I knew all went to the same few places. This is always the case in a small community. People tend to go to the same places, know the same people, like the same things, and talk about the same issues. Therefore, it should not have surprised me to run into the same people everywhere I went, even in a city with a population of 12 million. It’s like a sub-culture within a big, dense city.
Yet, when the exact same thing happened lately, I failed to recognize it again. The web is even more populated than Istanbul (by quite a bit) yet it felt like everyone whose site I read knew each other. Everyone I was following on Twitter was talking about each other. It felt like I was a voyeur into someone else’s popular clique and I kept feeling like an outsider. Like the rejected girl (as I often have felt in my life.)
Until I realized that the same phenomenon that happened in Istanbul was happening here. I kept running into the same people because I found them by clicking on each other’s blogs. I followed them because one person I followed was following them, etc. Since they referred to each other often (as they are friends) I had soon built a long list of people who were already connected and built that list exactly because they were connected and then I proceeded to forget all about this and feel like an unpopular kid (those childhood feelings are hard to disappear and come back rushing very quickly).
Like Istanbul, the web has niches. In these niches some people are wildly popular even though no one has heard of them outside this relatively small niche. Yet, if you’re observing this niche, it’s really quite easy to lose perspective of it all. And to think this person is more unreachable (untouchable) than they really are. in the end, this is just a bunch of friends who all happen to have blogs, twitter accounts, etc. who are using these popular forms of communication to document and keep in touch with each other. The only difference here is that tens, thousands, millions of people get to observe this if they so choose. This creates an interesting dynamic. One that I am still thinking about and trying to see how I feel about. I am trying to remind myself that this is not me getting rejected. This is a bunch of people I don’t know sharing a piece of themselves and letting me read it.
I am not sure what my point is here, of course. Some days, I feel really sad and want to unfollow many of these people. Then I remember that I chose them cause I like their words, the way they encourage me to think and ponder. And the feeling of rejection is really just living inside me, not coming from these people. Even though I know this, it still sometimes hurts.
Journaling Reads:
1. I love reading. I can read just about anything. I can read for six, seven hours at a time and never get tired. 2. I kept daily journals from 1984 to 1992. I still cherish those journals a lot. 3. I have a funny dance that I do when I feel really happy. 4. I used to drink twelve diet cokes a day before I got pregnant. 5. I am afraid of the dark. 6. I grind my teeth. I have been doing it since I was a little girl. It used to drive Yona crazy. 7. I can touch my nose with my tongue. 8. Getting my eyes fixed was one of the best things I ever did. 9. I am not a morning person. 10. I wish were a better driver. A less scared one. 11. I absolutely love your Dad with all my heart. 12. As soon as I learned how to read in English, I started reading books in English. I used to ask Yona and my mom drive me all over Istanbul just to find a store that sold books in English. 13. My first computer was a Commodore 64. I didn’t get a real computer until I was in college. Now I have six computers, almost all of them are Macintoshes. 14. My favorite meal is coffee and graham crackers or bread and cheese. Or chocolate. Yes, it’s a meal. 15. I have been clumsy all my life. 16. I always wished I could draw really well. Or have some artistic talent like my mom does. 17. When I was a little girl, I was really shy and I cried a lot. 18. I’ve always loved math. Solving puzzles. Figuring things out. I still love it. 19. I watch a lot of TV. I like the noise when I work. 20. I loved living in New York City and still miss it often. 21. I love listening to opera. 22. I am not a fan of feet. But I like mine. 23. I think good friendships are rare and should really be nourished. 24. I think music can bring sunshine into the darkest day. 25. I have half-written two novels and am working on the third. 26. I love watching Broadway shows and the theatre. 27. I have always enjoyed learning new things and miss school a lot. I plan to have a PhD. someday. 28. The first time I went camping I was twenty-nine. I loved it. 29. I always wished I had blue eyes. Or green. 30. I love taking photos.
I finally hooked up the computer in David’s room and he’s really loving it. He mostly loves doing the art and the drawing and I love watching him play, explore and learn.
Nathaniel has been really attached to me lately. He’s happy and peaceful sitting next to me but if I leave even to take a photo, this is what I get.
I know it’s a phase but it breaks my heart to see him sad. I have a lot more I want to write but I actually went out to see a good friend tonight and I am way too tired and need to go to sleep so the rest will have to wait until tomorrow.
After John Irving, I wanted something less dense but I was also hooked on high quality and didn’t want something too light. In comes Olive Kitteridge. I’ve wanted to read this book for a while and have read and wrote briefly about her previous novel. I don’t even like short stories but the only one I remember liking was similar to this in that it was a collection of linked stories.
I must like that because I get the chance to get to know a character deeply almost like a novel. These stories were all full quiet sorrow but I loved them. They made me think. They made me think a lot, actually. I really, really enjoyed this book and devoured it quite quickly. Highly recommended.
These three men in my life have taught me what it means to love and to be loved. They are the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I go to bed at night and feel happy and blessed every moment in between. Until I met Jake I didn’t know what it meant to be with someone who can love me just the way I am and who can make me feel whole. Until I had my boys, I didn’t know what it meant to love so much that it pysically hurt my heart. These men make me feel whole. They make me feel thankful and blessed and lucky. So so lucky.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I am not taking it for granted for one single moment. I hold them and kiss them and hug them as many times a day I can. Thank you, my boys.
All of the beautiful digital elements here are by Anna Aspnes.
This week’s question is: “Which song do you have on repeat right now?”
I’ve been stuck on the Google Android song. Each time I see the commercial, it makes me happy. It’s “If you want to Sing out, sing out” by Cat Stevens. Wonderful song. So many simple but amazing lyrics.
Simple tag this time. I covered it with a music sheet. Inked edges. Made a little birdie from fabric, stitched around it. Put it on a brown “branch” made out of ribbon lace. And wrote the song title.
I now sell some of these tags in my etsy store. If there’s a tag you like and are interested in, email me or leave a comment and I’ll be happy to add it.
I am combining Emily Falconbridge’s art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here.
Weekly tags are posted every Thursday, you can see all of them by clicking here.
David wanted to do some art today so we covered the table with paper towels and had fun with the watercolors.
Nathaniel, who was cranky all day, sat behind him and watched.
We also played with stamps and played games and hugged and chatted with my mom and dad over Skype for a long time. Good day. I spent the day making my very first Etsy journal (thank you Karla, you’re awesome!) and it was so much fun. I’ve also been reading my book of the week and am more than halfway through. I still have a lot of todo items on my list but I am feeling at peace with it all.
I am a huge John Irving fan. I’ve read almost every single novel he wrote. Like most of his other fans, I’m sure, A Prayer for Owen Meany, Cider House Rules, and The World According to Garp top my list of favorites. And if I were being completely honest, I’d also say that I didn’t like The Fourth Hand at all. It just wasn’t up to Irving’s amazing caliber.
Until I Find You also wasn’t a major favorite of mine. So when I found out about Last Night in Twisted River I was mixed. Oh not true. I wasn’t at all. There was no doubt I was reading it. But I really really hoped it was like the older Irving work.
And you know what? It was!
It was it was it was. This was a dense, fascinating, epic novel. I loved it. Not as much as the other three maybe but really loved it.
After John Irving, I wanted something less dense but I was also hooked on high quality and didn’t want something too light. In comes 
I am a huge John Irving fan. I’ve read almost every single novel he wrote. Like most of his other fans, I’m sure, A Prayer for Owen Meany, Cider House Rules, and The World According to Garp top my list of favorites. And if I were being completely honest, I’d also say that I didn’t like The Fourth Hand at all. It just wasn’t up to Irving’s amazing caliber.
