I’ve been thinking a lot about validation lately. And the motivation behind why I do what I do and why I don’t do certain things.

One of the things I do as a design team member is post my scrapbook layouts to a few sites. I have come to abhor this practice. Mostly because I’ve noticed that posting my work online anywhere immediately turns me into an obsessed psycho. Once I know it’s up there, I hit refresh every five minutes for the next few days just to see if anyone left a comment. And my sun rises and sets with those comments. On the rare occasion when I make it to a top ten or get a special mention, watch me dance.

A part of me used to think it’s just a silly reaction that comes from lack of confidence (which I have a lot of) but recently I’ve been thinking about how it’s more than that. How it’s damaging and how it plays to my insecurities even more so they never heal.

There are times I find myself scrapping a certain way (and this is not specific to scrapbooking, I used to write fiction and did the same exact thing back then or with photography) just because I know the community will like it. Just to get the comments. Or the approval. The validation. And, honestly, to me this is a big deal.

Everyone has their reasons for scrapping (or for thinking scrapping is stupid, low-class, waste of time. yes, i’ve heard it all) and I don’t judge people who do it for pure art. But, for me, it’s about the stories. It’s about capturing and pausing life. So I can remember it forever. So I can look back and smile, laugh, cry, appreciate. Cause life is worth remembering. Every part of it. Even the bad bits.

So, while I appreciate other people’s artsy pages, I want to journal on every single page I make. I want to do it without worrying about how much space it will take and how much the journaling might interfere with the rest of the design. I want to say all that I need to say. I want to be able to look at my page and know that I captured exactly what I wanted (needed) to capture. (Of course, I do like doing artsy things too and use other opportunities for that, like my tags.)

Yet, I seek validation nonstop. As soon as a page is finished, I have to show it to Jake. I have to post it on a board somewhere. It’s like if someone, somewhere hasn’t seen and liked it, it didn’t happen. It was the same way with my writing. I’d make Jake read my stories and we’d spend hours fighting about his comments (or lack thereof) and he doesn’t even read fiction!

So I need to find a way to stop this cycle. I need to learn to trust myself. Trust my pages. Trust that I am doing what I want to do and I don’t need someone else to tell me it’s beautiful. I don’t need someone else to approve. I just need to do what I do and learn that the person whose approval and validation matters is mine. And just mine.

So how do I do that? Do I stop posting on the boards altogether? Do I post but ignore the comments (or lack thereof)? Do I just post on my blog? Do I not even do that?

I honestly am not sure. But I think the first step is to take a little break from posting elsewhere. My blog only. The second step is to go through all my layouts and figure out which ones I like the most and why. Find my true north. And then make peace with it. After I find what’s “me,” I think the second step will be deciding what I want from the people “out there.” Maybe I want some true criticism or just techniques to learn or just cheering. Depending on what that is, I shall go look for the right community. I think that’s the most important step. Finding the right people. Not trying to become something I am not. Not trying to fit into a place that’s obviously not right for my goals. But finding the place that’s right for me (and I don’t mean the superfluous this-is-nice comments either. i don’t like giving those and don’t want someone to feel like it’s a chore they need to fulfill.)

So what if there’s no such community? Well, then I have two options: post nowhere or create the community I seek.

The most important step though is to stop seeking validation. Especially in the wrong places. How can I ask others to value my opinion when I don’t value it myself?

I’m a doer.



I get things done.



Across all the jobs I’ve ever had and all the reviews I got, my managers always agreed on one thing: “Karen gets things done.” It’s who I am. I make lists and then I execute them. I am one of those people who dots the i’s and crosses the t’s. I like to see things finished. I love having todo lists and I love crossing the items off. It’s what keeps me going.



So when something gets in the way of the ability to get things done, I feel very uneasy. I feel out of my power-zone and I get depressed. Quite quickly.



That’s how things have been here lately. Nathaniel is getting up every two hours at night and he doesn’t sleep during the day unless he’s in my arms. Which means nothing else is getting done.



And I mean nothing.



Even on days when I manage to shower, I am rarely out of my nightgown (since it allows the best nursing, I tell myself) and I sit here and stare at the computer most days.



And I am depressed. I feel guilty. We’re moving in a week and I feel bad for not going through and cleansing like I’ve been meaning to. I feel bad for David who is officially on summer break and already bored out of his mind. I feel bad for not creating anything. For not having started Nathaniel’s scrapbook yet. For not taking photos of anything but my kids. For not going out and enjoying the beautiful California sun. For not making the most of my maternity which I know will pass by so quickly.



The list goes on and on.



At the end of each day (which is 8pm for me lately) I get sad and depressed and think of all I didn’t do. I often tell Jake how horrible I feel. Sometimes I cry.



This is when the amazing and wise Jake tells me that I am doing the most important thing that needs to get done right now. I am raising our son. I am feeding him, taking care of him and loving him. This is all I need to do, he tells me. You are exactly where you need to be. he tells me.



I love him.



I am trying to remind myself that sometimes life requires pauses. Sometimes it’s important to slow down. To be in the moment. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I am not getting done. I am reminding myself that life flies by so quickly and this tiny, little creature who needs my help, love, and nourishment will soon grow up and I will miss these days. I will miss them so much. My todo lists will be there when this time passes. I will go back to getting things done. It’s what I do and the list of things that need getting done will never end.



So it’s time to pause.



Breathe.



And be in the moment.