I know it’s lame to stop writing a few days after “I’m back” from a break. But it seems things conspired to get in the way. First, my in-laws came to visit for the first time in seven months. This meant we were out all day and not on the computer when we were home. It also meant that Jake and I went on our first dates since David was born. It was weird being out alone. It felt like we were sneaking. I did miss David a lot even though we were only gone for about 2 hours and it was while David was sleeping. I just kept thinking of him and his smile and his breathing.
The night after my in-laws left, David began his weird waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing which is still going on. But just to add more fun to the adventure, I threw out my back for the first time since we came to San Diego. The whole time I was pregnant, I was worried about my back suddenly starting to hurt again. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to hold David as a baby and burp him. I was worried I’d be stuck in bed while everyone else held him and hugged him. Well none of that happened. I was perfectly, completely, totally fine. No real back-ache to speak of.
A week ago, something felt funny as I bent down and since then I haven’t been able to stand up without excruciating pain. Last time this happened, I was on Vioxx for almost two years and I did a lot of physical therapy and acupuncture for it to get better. Well, now Vioxx is off the market, I am nursing and I can’t take any medication. Except for Tylanol which I only let myself take twice a day since I don’t want to medicate David. Without the medicine to take off the edge of the pain, life’s been a ton of fun. Hence sitting at the computer hasn’t been one of my favorite activities lately.
Hence the no updates. Forgive me yet?
I am hoping that my stupid back will miraculously heal itself since I am determined not to take any pills and have a long long way to go before I am ready to stop nursing (think months in teens not in single digits) so cross your fingers for me and hope that the pain goes away as mysteriously and quickly as it came.
The good side of the pain has been that I’ve been in bed more and thus reading more. And my mother in law bought me six new books for my past birthday. I just finished _Running with Scissors_ which, while nothing compared to _A Million Little Pieces_, was still a very engrossing read. I am now reading the new Paolo Coelho book. He’s always an interesting and worthwhile read for me. As always, open for any and all recommendations.
Monday was my birthday.
It seems there are those who make a big deal of their birthday and those who prefer to completely ignore it. I have always belonged to the former category. I come from a family which makes big deals out of birthdays and I subscribe to the idea. It’s not really because birthdays themselves are all that special. To me, it’s just an excuse to stop and appreciate that person.
Sure we should treat each other like we’re special every day, but fact is life gets in the way. Most days are ordinary and we do our thing and try to treat others with kindness (unless we’re grouchy) but the day passes on and we sit in front of our computers, read our books, watch TV and do all the other things we do to spend time. I don’t know many people who regularly take the time to acknowledge the people in their lives. Most people don’t even work too hard to keep up with their friends. So that’s the point of birthdays, for me.
It’s an excuse to remind someone how much they mean to you. A reason to stop and think of them and dedicate a few or a lot of your time that particular day to them. So even if all the other days come and go, you know that on that day you’ll feel special and talk to all the people you love and take a moment.
For those of you who whine about getting older, I’d hate to break the news to you but you get older every single day. Nothing magical happens on the eve of your birthday to make you older. So stop being whiny on the morning of your birthday about that. Life isn’t about your age, it’s about how you’ve used your days. There are people who live empty lives for 80 years and those who live full ones for only 30. Which would you rather have?
This year was particularly peaceful for me. I woke up feeling exceptionally happy for no reason. David woke up to eat at 3am but then went back down until 6:30. I worked, I prepared for my shoot on Tuesday, I cooked and pureed David’s food. We played and talked and my family called and my friends called and my friends emailed and it was wonderful. Jake bought me presents. We went to eat an early dinner with good food and delicious dessert. It was very ordinary and very magical all in one. I realized on Monday that I am truly happy. I cannot remember feeling this peaceful in years. If ever.
It really was a perfect birthday and thank you for all the good wishes. 31 is looking fantastic so far.
I have been a John Irving fan from the first book I read. I can’t even remember who told me about A Prayer for Owen Meany but I do remember that people stopped me to praise the book when I was reading it. I had the library hardcover and people of all ages commented on it. Old women, teenagers. It was their favorite book.
And they were right. If you haven’t read A Prayer For Owen Meany make sure to do so. It’s fantastic. I went on a total Irving kick after that. I read The World According to Garp, Hotel New Hampshire, The Water-Method Man, Cider House Rules, Setting Free the Bears, The 158-Pound Marriage, A Widow for One Year, and all the others I could get my hands on. I read The Fourth Hand as soon as it came out (though that one wasn’t my favorite). I’ve read them all, except for Son of the Circus. There’s something about Irving’s writing that I adore. It might be that he emulates Dickens and Davies, who are two of my favorite authors. It might be that I feel for his twisted, tragic characters and his endless plots.
I started his latest novel almost two weeks ago. A novel never takes me this long to read. Not even an 800-page one. For some reason, I took my time with this one. I even read another novel in between and listened to three others. But I kept coming back to it. I wasn’t giving up on Irving. I knew I was going to fall into the story at some point.
Two nights ago, I did.
It took my two weeks to read 450 pages and two days to read the next 250. I have about 80 pages left and I am not sleeping until I finish this story. It’s at the point where the entire novel turned on itself and I cannot wait to see the ending and find out what happens to Jack Burns. I now think about it constantly. I feel like I know the characters in real life. To me, only the best books can accomplish that. It’s an especially amazing feat for Irving whose characters are people I’d be completely unlikely to know in this life or in any other. I still do. I feel like I know them. I feel like they are living, breathing people.
While a part of me is dying to finish the story finally, another part of me will be so disappointed when it’s over. When these people won’t be there to greet me each night.
If you’ve never read Irving, make sure to pick up a book of his. Start with Owen Meany or, if you haven’t seen the movie, Cider House Rules. They are simply fantastic. Storytelling at its best.
Let the bitching begin.
Two weeks ago a friend and I were talking on the phone. Out of the blue, the conversation turned ugly and he started asking me weird questions and getting increasingly angry/demanding. I had no idea where this was coming from and tried to take it with a grain of salt and even apologized for actions that weren’t wrong. I tried to soothe him but it was no go. He didn’t realize how upset he was and wouldn’t admit to being angry. After a while more of unloading on me, he hung up.
A few days later, he called me back and chatted away like nothing happened. At first I was taken aback and wondered whether I imagined the whole thing. I considered bringing it up myself but I didn’t want to rehash any of the issues so I left it alone and decided to wait. He and I talk several times a day so I figured it would eventually come up.
Here we are two weeks and at least ten conversations later and the issue never ever came up again. None of: “I’m sorry , I don’t know what came over me.” or “I must have been losing my mind.” or “Other stuff was making me upset, I am sorry I took it out on you.” I would have apologized but honestly, I hadn’t said a word and this wasn’t an argument as much as it was his unloading on me. So I went from flabbergasted to fuming.
I can totally understand that we all have bad days and times when we’re overly stressed. I can alos understand that we often take it out from those closest to us. But there’s no excuse for not acknowledging such an occurence. I was quite hurt, sad, and worried after that exchange and his not acknowledging it makes me feel like all the actions were justified. Even if he’d called me and continued to yell at me, I would have prefered that over lets-act-like-nothing-happened. WTF?
People and actions like that irk me. We all fuck up at times but let’s be a man (to use a really stereotypical phrase) about it. There’s nothing wrong with calling a good friend and apologizing. There’s a lot to be respected in humility and candor. And there’s no fucking thing to be proud of in feeling like if we don’t ever bring it up, it will be like it never happened. It did happen. Even if you want to act otherwise.
I am not waiting for an apology or even an explanation. I am happy to and already have forgiven him. I just want him to acknowledge it so I don’t feel like my feelings aren’t worthless to him. Mayne it’s asking for too much but I cannot stand acting. I like things out in the open. I like honesty. I like candid. Bring it on. If you put it out there, we may be able to resolve it. If you don’t, we never will.
It’s been almost two months since my last entry. I’ve had this site on and off for five years. I wasn’t sure if I was going to miss writing this time. There are times when writing here is fun and times when it feels more like a chore. In the months preceding the closing, it had become more like the latter. Each night that I went to bed without updating, I’d feel like I let someone down. Fact is, I have few readers, but I still felt like shit. Which is why I stopped.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to miss any of it. I haven’t been taking photos (except of David) and I have just begun sleeping again and my days are filled with David, work, a new small business, reading, and, of course, Jake. I figured my life was full enough.
But I did miss it.
From the day I turned ten to Freshman year in college, I kept a diary every single night. Many people asked me how I found something to write each night. I just did. I liked writing every day. It was my thing. That’s sort of how I feel about this place. I want to make sure it never goes away. Since college, I’ve attempted to keep diaries many times and it just never worked. When David was born, I promised myself (as I did when I found out I was pregnant) that I would keep a written record. I have managed to take photos every day he’s been alive (except day three) but I have three failed attempts at writing. Whatever little I’ve written here is the most I’ve written anywhere.
So I am going to keep writing. I can’t promise it will be consistently, but I am going to try hard. I won’t post photos when I don’t have them but I also won’t let that stop me from posting. I will try to write a tidbit about David each day, more for me than you, I’m putting it in a different section so if you don’t want to read it, feel free to skip it. Sometimes the David section might be longer than the main section, but not usually. Once I start taking regular photos again, I will post those too. At least that’s the plan. And we know what happens to best laid plans.
So there we are. This is the closest thing I got to my childhood diaries. And I miss writing down my ideas. I miss talking about my random thoughts. I miss sharing my emotions. I miss recording my life. The everydayness of my life.
But, mostly, I missed the bitching. So expect some whiny posts coming soon.
Thank you for sticking around.
My son belly-laughing.
New books from my favorite authors.
A beautiful Southern California day.
Long chats with good friends.
A smiling David after a long, happy nap.
Code that works in the first try.
Figuring out a bug I’ve spent weeks on.
Taking photographs.
Sunday Morning paper and breakfast in bed.
Knitting, making jewelry, scrapbooking and other forms of craftiness.
My husband.
Chocolate.
Days when all my to-do lists are accomplished.
My nephews.
Music. Tons and tons of music.
Car trips.
National Parks. State Parks. Beaches. Nature.
TV and movies.
Working from home.
Computers and programming
Hugs. Enveloping hugs.
and of course brown paper packages in the mail.
What are some of your favorite things?
David turned five months old yesterday. I know it’s pathetic that I haven’t updated in nine days after saying I wanted to update more often but we’ve had a long and difficult week. Mostly cause mom has lost her mind.
Last Saturday, I was online surfing about sleeping issues and came across the Baby Whisperer book. Something rang true so I went out and bought it right away. And proceeded to implement it. For those of you who are unfamilair with it, it goes something like this: You put the baby on an EASY schedule. He eats, plays (Activity) and then sleeps so you get some You time. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). You feed the baby every 3 hours. (or four if he’s over four months old). Anyhow the idea is to teach the baby to self-soothe. What you do is you put him in the crib and then if he cries, you pick him up and when he calms you put him down. You do this as long as it takes.
Our first night went badly. He was up from 1-3 and then from 5-7. The book said the first night would be hard so I persevered. The second night was perfect. He slept all the way from 8 to 5am. I dream-fed him and he never woke up. I felt great! I was sure it was working. I had finally found something that worked.
Riiiiiighhhtttt.
Come day four, David won’t go to bed without crying in my arms or in his crib with me wrapped all over him. He wakes up four times a night. Sometimes for an hour, crying. At least for an hour. Today, day six, he was so bad that he would start stiffening and wailing as soon as we entered the bedroom. While Jake was putting him down and picking him up, he explained to me that this was no different from crying it out. I yelled at him and got mad but eventually admitted that he was right. As soon as I admitted it, I completely relaxed. I’d been stressing all week from hearing him cry and feeling like shit about it. Now I didn’t have to any more.
I took my son out for a walk and then at bedtime, I sat with him for thirty minutes while rubbed his belly, his head, his tummy and whatever else he needed to sleep. He fell asleep peacefully and has now been sleeping for 1.5hrs without a stir. I will NEVER do that to my kid again. If he wakes up seventeen times a night until he’s a teenager so be it. That’s what it means to have a kid, right? What’s the point in having them if I am going to complain that he’s inconvenient.
I feel much better now and I am a lot more relaxed. I love my son and I am so so lucky that he’s the smiliest and easiest boy in the world. Any other kid would have hated me for what I put him through in the last week. But my amazing son continued to smile at me and laugh when I kissed him.
Happy Five Months, David, I love you with all my heart.
I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing. Honestly, it’s mosly cause I haven’t been in the mood. I’ll try to do better in July. One of the things I love most about my blog is that I get to go back and read about the past. If I don’t update often, I don’t have that luxury, so I will try harder. I figured before the month is up, I should do some updates.
David’s still not sleeping. His dad is being extremely gracious and helping me out incredibly by holding and consoling him throughout the night except the two times he eats which is when I get up. Since I haven’t slept in so long, my sleeping patterns are all messed up and between that and my aching boobs, I still don’t get too much sleep but it’s considerably better since my amazing husband has stepped in to help. As for David we’re still hoping he’ll “grow out of it.” especially since there appears to be nothing wrong with him physically and he’s the happiest baby ever. Laughing and smiling like a crazy person. If you don’t believe me, you can watch this video of us playing. Then you’ll know how awesome he is.
The reading craze is still continuing. I am now reading Specimen Days from the author of The Hours. This book is not nearly as good as the Hours, especially since it’s a bit like horror and that’s definitely not my genre. But Cunnigham’s writing still quite beautiful. Next in line are Hornby and Melissa Bank. I am so excited to be reading again. David and I have started a routine of walking to the mall for lunch so he gets his afternoon nap while mom eats her lunch and reads. It’s the most serene hour of my day.
 My little boy must be teething because he’s drooling like a faucet and has this unquenchable need to suck and bite stuff. The other night he sucked on my chin so hard that he gave me my very first hickey. We had a breakfast date with a friend of Jake’s the next morning and I was very embarrased to wake up to a big black and blue bruise. I wasn’t sure how to explain it. Who knew I’d get my first hickey from my son?
As I mentioned months ago, I am making a scrapbook for David’s first year. It has one page for each week. He just finished week twenty, and I just finished week 17 so I am not that behind. When I am not with him, sleeping, eating, working or reading, I am putting the book together. I want to have a great record of his first year. If anyone out there is a big scrapbook person and has some good ideas, feel free to send them my way. If you want to see my layouts so far, shoot me an email. I will eventually put them all up but I haven’t gotten all that organized just yet.
Other than the lack of sleep, life’s quite wonderful here in Karenika-land. I wish I had a bit more time to read/write and work on the scrapbook. But life is always too short when you’re having fun, isn’t it?
So my little one is still not sleeping. I’ve read a zillion books on getting your baby to sleep and most of them claim that if he gets his naps in, he sleeps better at night. Ahem. Not. True. There are days David naps perfectly and he still wakes up every two hours. There are days he doesn’t nap much at all and he sleeps three hours or more so I’m going to say all those books are…crap!
On the good side, he’s healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he’s facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I’m carrying him around. He’s actually laughing at me several times a day now.
My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that’s what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question.
I was telling a friend that it’s impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it’s nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There’s no preparation. One day you’re two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you’re a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity.
And it’s scary. It’s hard. It’s challenging. It’s tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love.
All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven’t had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It’s only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night.
After all, it won’t be long before he won’t let me hug him and I cherish these moments.
So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It’s changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day!
I came to the United States in August of 1992. I had just graduated high school in Istanbul and flew across the Atlantic Ocean to attend Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA. Even back then I knew that I intended to stay here and was determined to do all that was necessary for me to achieve the goal of making the US my permanent home as quickly as possible.
My senior year, I turned down offers from companies that wouldn’t guarantee a green card application, namely JP Morgan and went with one that promised to apply exactly one year after my start date, namely Goldman Sachs. Exactly one year after my beginning date, I made a phone call from London where I was for a project and asked them to start the proceedings. Thanks to a great law firm, I got my green card relatively quickly, in two years, with the Extraordinary Ability clause. Exactly three months short of five years later, I applied for my citizenship. That was December of 2004. Today, I took my oath and walked away with my naturalization papers.
I am officially a citizen of the United States of America.
There were over 1,000 others swearing in with me today. We were told to arrive at 8:30 but the ceremony didn’t begin until 10. It commenced with a group of local junior high school students performing a medley of Footloose songs. The relevance still baffles me. We then waited while they gave some awards to some officials and sang the Star Spangled Banner. Someone made the motion for all of us to become citizens and a judge accepted it after we took the oath of allegience. The judge’s parents were naturalized citizens themselves so he was very moved to be there and cried a bit as he talked about how great America is and what a special day it was for us and how honored he felt to be there. There was another moving speech and then the judge read the names of all 94 countries that had citizens being naturalized today and asked us to get up as our country’s name was called. Being in San Diego, he left out Mexico and at the end the crowd yelled, so he said, “What there are people from Mexico here?” and half the room got up and cheered. It was quite funny and specific to our location, I imagine. If I weren’t so worried about David going without food for so long, I might have enjoyed the proceedings more. As it were, I wanted to get my certificate and be done with this long ordeal.
I know there are many cynical and bitter people out there and not everyone agrees with me. But, to me, becoming American was a lifelong goal and one I am incredibly proud to have accomplished. This country has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. It allowed be to find myself and gave me the space to grow into what I wanted to be. If I hadn’t come here, I am not sure I would have done half the things I’ve done in my life and I am so glad to live here every single day. I am proud to be a citizen. I am delighted that I will get to vote. Not to mention how much easier it will be to travel now!
It only took thirteen years.
It’s amazing to think that David’s been a part of our family for four whole minths. Actually thirteen months if we count the time he spent in my belly. Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and part of me doesn’t remember a time David wasn’t with us.
The changes from month three to month four have been exponential. In the last month, David’s found his hand, his feet, and his voice. He now drools like nobody’s business and he sticks everything in his mouth, including his toes. He has found a way to make a ton of different, funny sounds, some sharp and high-pitched and others gutteral and trembling. He can go between laughing and crying in less than thirty seconds. Sometimes he jumps back and forth between the two so much that you can’t tell if he’s mad, sad, or just playing.
His smiles have gotten wider and he can definitely recognize mom and dad now. His face lights up when we look at him, regardless of upset he might have been. He gives us kisses (or tries to bite our cheeks depending on your perspective) and his little hands are soft like cotton. He has learned to grab things and hold on to them, including my hair.
His favorite thing is to bounce up and down and when his daddy holds him up high. He has grown over 4 inches since he’s been born and more than doubled his weight. He is cute beyond words and can drive us insane beyond words, too. He has learned how to get a constant whine going. He has learned to get bored and begun seeking more attention. All in the last four weeks. It looks like he’s going to take after his mommy and be a big talker. He’s practicing now. Along with the loud and stinky farts.
Having a baby is challenging. It’s time consuming, it’s humbling, it’s frustrating. And it’s incredibly rewarding.
And will be more so when he sleeps…
I love you David, happy four months. To four thousand more.
I’ve decided that my favorite thing to do in my spare time is to read. This is after spending time with my family, of course. Of the things I love doing like writing, taking photos, surfing the net, knitting, etc, reading is by far my favorite thing to do.
There have been tims that I took a break from reading agressively. The most notable being during college. The first two years of college, I didn’t read much during the school year. When David was born, I stopped reading for a while. I wasn’t getting any sleep and I had a hard enough time juggling him and work that reading was out of the question. A few weeks ago, I randomly started reading again. I am not exactly sure how it happened but it opened some sort of flood gate. I’ve read 8 books in the last three weeks. I started with the fascinating Opening Skinner’s Box and the always wonderful Elizabeth Berg’s new Year of Pleasures. I moved on to Freakonomics and Hornby’s columns from the Believer and Wisdom of Crowds and Anne Lamott’s Plan B and Alice Munro’s Runaway. I am now reading Ian McEwan’s Saturday and enjoying it immensely, especially considering there’s very little happening in the story.
It’s almost as if I’d forgotten how amazingly rewarding reading is for me. It’s like food for my soul. I don’t even know why I feel that way but each time I put a book down, I can’t wait to get back to it. My favorite time of the day is the one hour after David goes to sleep where I crawl into bed and read. Okay, my favorite time actually is the mornings when David wakes up because he’s so ubelievably happy but right after that is the reading hour.
To add to my joy, some of my favorite authors are coming out with new novels this summer: John Irving, Nick Hornby and Melissa Banks. Thinking about those books makes me giddy!
I don’t know what prompted my return to reading, but I am so glad for the distraction. As David’s growing old enough to voice his boredom loudly and he’s still waking up anywhere from three to seven times a night, it’s the books that seem to keep me sane lately.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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