I’ve always been fascinated by people who claim to be the first to do something.
“Oh he is always the first to discover a new book or a trend.” And for some reason people think that this is a sought-after trait.
I just fail to understand the importance of this trend. Why is it important, or desirable, that a person be the very first to read a new novel or see a current movie? What exactly does that really say about the person?
I’ve been racking my brain and I can’t come up with a good answer. I keep thinking that ten years down the line who will still care that this person was the first to have read a certain novel if by that point we’ve both read it? How does it matter that you went to Denmark before I did, if we’ve both been there?
I see the advice-oriented benefits to having already done something. If you’ve already been to Denmark, you might be able to tell me where to eat or which sightseeing tours not to miss, but that’s about all. Same goes for a book or a movie; you could tell me what you thought about it. Even then, it might say nothing about what I will think about it.
In many industries, especially technology, being first sometimes actually has a negative correlation with being the best. America had analog cell phones much earlier than many countries, including Turkey. But as a late-adopter Turkey was able to invest into the latest and greatest digital technology, which had been invented by the time cell phones made it to Turkey. Today, digital phones in America are much more expensive and not as reliable as their counterparts in Turkey.
Software programming is also similar. Someone who learned how to code many years ago might have been the greatest Fortran or Cobol programmer ever, but for these people making the leap to Object Oriented Programming has been much more difficult, causing them to lose their jobs to latecomers.
So being the first is not always the best and I really can’t see why it’s such a ‘hot’ trait. Why does it matter that she was the first to use the color orange? Why does it matter that he wore a turtleneck way before many others?
It all just seems so trivial to me.
But if you have any useful insight on this matter, I’d love it if you shared it.
Previously? Family Values.
I work on wall street where many people make more money in a month thanothers have in a lifetime. Some of these people pay a monthly rent that’sclose to my yearly salary.
Most of the above mentioned people, however, come in to work before dawn,some even as early at 4:30am. They stay here until 8,9, sometimes even 10 orway past midnight. (at the lower ranks of the firm there are many analyststhat simply go home to take a shower and come back, but these poor soulsearn very little for the enormous time commitment that they call a job.)These really high level managers never really get to see their children growup. How could they? They’re never home.
Some of these men (as they almost always are) are more than happy to admitthat they like the money. They want the money. They want the prestige. Ihave no issues with such people.
My beef is with the other set. The ones who claim they’re doing it for theirfamily. The ones who spend up to sixteen hours of their day away from thevery family for which they’re trying to provide opportunities.
I don’t know who they think they’re fooling but it’s not me and I bet nottheir family either.
I don’t mean to imply that money isn’t important or that it doesn’t allowfor amazing opportunities. But I think our society strongly undermines theimportance of shared time.
I grew up in a pretty decent household, money-wise. My parents were kindenough to get my sister and me almost anything we asked for. We neverreally wore brand names or had cars, but we didn’t ever feel deprivedeither. While I spent countless hours playing with the toys my parentsbought me, some of my fondest childhood memories are from times we spenttogether as a family.
My father would spend days planning our birthdays. He was famous in theneighborhood for throwing the best birthday parties ever. My sister’sfriends to the day tell him how awesome the parties were. My mother wouldbribe me to ditch school so we could spend the day together and go shopping(all right, that might not be a good example setting, but it was qualitytime with my mom). One of my favorite vacations ever was when I was thirteenand we went to Disney World as a family. Another one a few years ago when Imet my sister and my mom in Rome and my dad joined us after three days. Orwhen I was in London for work and my mom came to hang out with me.
None of the presents I ever got is more valuable than the memories I havewith my family. Money might be able to buy presents and toys and vacationsand exotic trips but if your children don’t get to spend them with you,you’ve deprived them of the thing they need most.
This doesn’t go just for parenting. When was the last time you called a goodfriend and asked to hang out? We take the people around us for granted waytoo often. We think they’ll always be there. What if your friend who lives afew streets down, and whom you never see but you always could cause he’sright there, decides he’s moving across the country?
Why wait for an occasion? Call now. It doesn’t matter what you do, only thatyou do it together.
Previously? Oxymoron.
The same mentality of utter indifference to costs can be seen in a newly refurbished elementary school in the little village of Ichinosetakahashi, on the slopes of Mount Fuji. The principal’s office has a gleaming new bell and loudspeaker system to broadcast messages and summon the student body from recess. But during my visit in 1998, I quickly realized that it would be simpler to yell through the window for Daiki Saito to come in.
Daiki, a seven-year-old with a mischievous sparkle in his black eyes, is the only student in the entire school…. It costs $175,000 a year to run Daiki’s school….
As a Japanese taxpayer, I was appalled at this waste of money and at the resulting 65 percent marginal personal tax rates, but it was difficult to find Japanese who were equally outraged. Many Japanese seemed profoundly torn, for they worried that efficiency would come at the expense of egalitarianism and social harmony. I found this view enormously admirable and utterly impractical. When I spoke to Daiki’s principal, Tomishige Yazaki, he was not in the least apologetic about the expense. “If we just pursued efficiency,” he said, “the world would become a very dry place with no sensitivity.” – Nicholas D Kristof in Thunder from the East
Yesterday, I was at my acupuncturist’s and I mentioned to her that I was reading a book on Asia and that she might be interested in it since she’s traveled to different Asian countries and her work is closely tied to Asian culture.
At the time the section I was reading gave insight into the reasons of the recent Asian crisis and I was telling her about some of the reasons when she said, “Well, maybe that’s not what matters to them, Asia has some of the most developed spiritual and cultural identities in the world.”
Her comments combined with the lines above made me ponder why a sensitive and caring business and a thriving and successful one has to be mutually exclusive. Is it really impossible for a company to do well without compromising the happiness of its employees?
I’m hoping the answer is No or life is really depressing for those of us who work in corporate America.
Earlier this week, Jake and I watched an episode of The Charlie Rose Show where Herb Kelleher, the CEO of Southwest Airlines was the guest. Here’s a rare example of an outstanding company in almost every way. A culture that brings people together and doesn’t single out company executives with special perks. A corporation that has record profits year after year. A CEO who is humble and caring. A company that recognizes major personal events in the lives of each of its employees.
And, unfortunately, as of now, a rare exception.
Herb Kelleher is retiring soon and he mentioned that he might write a book to tell the story of Southwest Airlines. I certainly hope he does.
Maybe, then, his company might move from being the exception to being the norm.
Previously? Hiding.
There are long periods in history where for some reason or another, a person has had to hide their identity. Some awful cases exist even today.
I know there are some well-known examples and others that seem to have faded, though they definitely shouldn’t have. One of my core beliefs is that people should be allowed to be whatever and whomever they choose to be.
I don’t understand how any one person could claim to know what the ‘right’ or ‘acceptable’ way is. And how does it really affect one person’s life that the other exists. It’s one thing for me to go around and try to convert people to be something else, and another for me to just be that on my own. In my opinion only the weak fear what’s different. The uneducated seek comfort in being close-minded.
What I hate with even more vigor are people who discriminate just to be a part of ‘the gang.’ While one is stupid and ignorant, the other knows full well the atrocity of such behavior and continues to do it nonetheless.
I was thinking today that I don’t spend enough time appreciating the liberty I have had. Luckily, I’ve never been discriminated against, at least to my knowledge. I’ve been classified as “you people” several times in my life and have always spoken up to let people know that just because I might be in what’s labeled as a minority, it’s not suddenly okay to segregate.
In the same way, I don’t enjoy when the minorities themselves use this separation to their advantage. I don’t like it to be “women’s month” for anything. That implies that women are still a minority and need to be handled as a separate entity. I remember reading in Heather’s interview at the women zinester survey that her vision for “women’s web” is a place where such a term is unnecessary and thinking that I loved her answer. I don’t want to read into her words or put words in her mouth but for me, the fact that someone needs to single “women” out means there still is a problem.
I’m all for people being proud of who they are. All for people with the same beliefs or issues getting together and using each other for support. But the minute these people use the segregation to their advantage, to me it’s like they’re supporting the ideals of the people who put them in this position in the first place.
Today, I’m feeling thankful that I live in a city where people don’t judge me for my differences. I feel thankful for having had a smooth life and thankful to those who fought for me to be able to have this life. It’s crucial that people fight against being forced to hide their identity.
For if we lose that, what have we left?
Previously? At the Ballet.
I’ve always enjoyed classical music and I love the opera. But I never really liked the ballet.
It always seemed boring to me. I do appreciate the strict regimen required to develop the level of flexibility and strength. I also love that it is a sport and an art. I’m not trying to put its value or importance down by any means.
I’m just saying that I don’t enjoy it.
Let’s change that to didn’t.
Over ten years ago, my parents convinced me to go out on a school night (yes, I know how convoluted that sounds, but things worked slightly differently in my household.) I complained that I didn’t like ballet and I had an exam the next morning, was it really a good idea for me to see this?
“Trust me,” said my mom, “you’ll like it.”
So I went and it was one of the most amazing nights of my life.
This wasn’t just any ballet, it was the Bolshoi.
I was so mesmerized by the performance that I’m sure I forgot to breathe at times.
Maybe ballet didn’t have to be so boring after all.
A few years later, yet another legend visited Turkey and this time my mom didn’t need to mention it twice. If Baryshnikov wanted to come to Istanbul, there wasn’t a way I was missing it. I watched him from the sixth row and I didn’t dare blink.
So when my friend Natalia called me to say that he was performing in Brooklyn, I leapt at the chance of being swept away in his magic once more.
Last night’s performance was quite different than the one I’d seen around a decade ago. Baryshnikov and his dance group, the White Oak Dance Project, were honoring the Judson Dance Theater dancers. The performance was much more modern than I anticipated but it certainly didn’t disappoint me.
On the contrary, it overwhelmed me. I watched hungrily, eating up the energy and creativity that poured out of these incredibly talented people. I envied their freedom and joy.
Most of all, I envied their boldness. These people are some of the best ballet dancers in the world, yet they don’t perform Swan Lake and other classical acts. They express themselves in their own original ways. There are acts where people are simply walking from one end of the stage to another, not even using their dance skills. They’re urging you to think out of the box and change your preconceived notions. Your expectations.
I have the utmost respect for them. Not only because of their talent and vigor.
But because they dare to be different.
Previously? Strangers.
“The sense of dislocation was sharpened by the presence, in the center of town, of a single major Western-style high-rise hotel, called the Jing Ling. It was anonymously grand conference-holding, revolving-bar-and-atrium-ridden modern hotel of the sort that generally I heartily dislike but suddenly it was like an oasis to us.” -Douglas Adams in Last Chance to See
Your sense of foreigner and friend is heavily dependent on your environment.
Imagine you live in a small neighborhood and are close friends with Amy and Jenna. All three of you attend the same school, and such spend copious amounts of time together each day. At school, they are your closest friends.
On weekends, you generally tend to hang out with James and Katie. Well, your whole crowd consists of ten people but you’re closest to those two. Katie has another close friend in the group and we’ll call her Angie.
Ordinarily, you don’t consider Angie a really close friend but you probably know a bit more about her than the other seven since she’s friends with your close friend. If you run into her when you’re with Katie, the two of you stop and chat for a few minutes. Katie might even invite her along, depending on what your plans are.
Without Katie, you probably wouldn’t talk to Angie for long, you might acknowledge her with a nod and pass by. Depending on how you feel about Angie, you might not even do that (though, I must say I consider that bad manners.)
Now let’s imagine you’re in Japan and you don’t know a soul. You’re walking down the street and you run into Angie. Assuming Angie hasn’t been a complete bitch to you, you’re quite likely to treat her as a long-lost friend on that crowded street. Relative to the current environment, you and Angie go way back.
I’m even willing to bet that if Jenna, your friend from school, runs into Angie they will treat each other as if they’re good friends. When surrounded by strangers a girl you’ve met once is a buddy.
In the case of Japan, a soul who speaks English or who’s from America might be enough to qualify someone as a friend.
So, as in most things, friendship is relative.
Previously? Humble vs Doormat.
There’s a thin line between humble and self-deprecating.
Here’s a multiple choice test for you:
A friend who hasn’t seen you in a while runs in to you and exclaims, “My God, you look absolutely fabulous!”
You say:
a)Oh, no, not really. I still have so much weight to lose and my roots are growing out.
b)Thank You.
c)I do, don’t I?
If you picked “c”, we need not be talking as your problems tend to be in the other extreme. If, on the other hand, you’re a fan of option “a”, I urge you to change your habits.
In the last few months I’ve learned that if you say something often enough, people start believing it.
There’s nothing wrong with taking compliments and there’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. One of the guys I work with always goes around saying how his wife is so much more wonderful than he is and how lucky he is to have her. On the way to the subway, today, I was telling him how he should stop saying that.
“But, she is,” came the answer.
“That’s not the point. I’m sure she’s wonderful and you are really lucky to have her. But there’s no need to compare yourself to her. There’s no need to undermine your own worth. It doesn’t somehow make her more wonderful if you suck.”
He nodded his head thoughtfully and said that he saw my point.
I understand that it’s hard to get your mind away from such thoughts if you really don’t think so well of yourself, but it really causes others to feel similarly about you.
I used to talk about how fat I was every day. At first my friends told me the usual, “Come on, you’re not fat,” stuff. A few months later, I remember asking a friend about a pair of pants and she crinkled her nose and said, “this makes you sort of fat in the thighs.”
That’s when I realized that thanks to me and my insistence, my friends has started seeing me as what I kept telling them I was.
While going around tooting your own horn is not the wisest thing in the world, neither is bashing yourself continuously.
Cause anything, when heard enough times, starts sounding believable.
Previously? Big Words.
Attitude is everything. And words can be your most powerful ammunition.
During my several counseling and teaching jobs in college, I’ve often been taught to be careful with my words. There is a mountain of difference between saying, “Did you understand me?” and “Was I able to explain myself clearly?”
I’m not suggesting that you be fake or hide what you actually feel, just that a small bit of paraphrasing might help you reach your goal quicker and also spare a few folks’ feelings. Instead, many people choose to make completely unconstructive remarks that have the added benefit of being useless.
Here’s one I read recently: “It’s all crap.”
Wow, thank you for that well thought out comment, fella. I know exactly what you mean.
Actually, I don’t. What do you mean?
I hate it when people say it’s “bad” or it “sucks.” To be completely honest, I don’t like it when people overuse the word “good” either. I don’t want to sound like your English teacher, but those adjectives mean nothing. What if you ask me whether I like your site and I say, ‘It’s good.”
Are you feeling good, now? Cause you shouldn’t. “It’s good” either means that I didn’t like it and was trying to be cordial or, probably worse, I didn’t even visit it. Had I been to your site, I could tell you how the tone of green you chose for your link works well with the dark blue text and that I love the font in your name. I might tell you that I think your font is too small and makes the page slightly unreadable or that there is too much text on the screen. But saying it’s “good” is just a way to brush you off. It means I don’t care. It means I think your site is so bad that it can’t be salvaged.
Tiny little words with so much power. The response you’d get from taking a small minute to reconstruct your sentence. The effort you put into details. Why not give it a try and see if you find the responses as intoxicating as I do. There are few more wonderful things in the world than truly helping out someone else, even in the smallest way.
So maybe it’s time to start using your words.
Previously? One For All.
I was raised in a very Jewish environment. I don’t mean to imply that it was religious, just that my surroundings almost exclusively consisted of Jewish people. In a country where 99 percent of the population is Muslim, I imagine it’s not rare for the minorities to stick together.
I also hated most anyone I grew up with. Almost all of them were snotty, air headed, superficial people. They judged you solely on looks and what brand names you wore. They backstabbed without discrimination and they were cruel.
So as soon as I was old enough, I chose my own friends, most of whom were Muslim. When hanging out with them I used to joke that since I was a Jew myself, it was acceptable for me to belittle other Jews.
There’s a discussion in MetaFilter this week about Mel Brooks’s comment upon accepting one of this Tony awards. The poster complains that he finds it unacceptable that people make light of such a dreadful situation as the Holocaust. One of the counterarguments posed is that since Brooks is Jewish himself, he should be allowed to make fun of it any way he pleases.
My personal opinions on the matter aside, I think saying that since Brooks is Jewish he should be able to treat Jewish subject matters however he chooses, is unacceptable. For the people who said that there are many ways to deal with an issue and this may be how Brooks chooses to do it, that’s fine. I’m just against the idea that any member of a group of people should be allowed to speak on behalf of the group.
Just because Brooks is Jewish doesn’t mean he’s the chosen speaker for all Jews worldwide. It also doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to have his point of view and feelings about the matter. We’re all allowed to have thoughts on anything. Even though I’m not Muslim, I might have an opinion on the misconceptions about Muslim people in Western civilizations. While it’s true that I might not know what being Muslim feels like firsthand, that doesn’t automatically disqualify me from being able to intelligently discuss the subject matter.
In the same token, just because I’m Jewish doesn’t mean my opinion qualifies for all Jews. Some Jews might find power in looking at the humor or irony in the horror of it all, while others might abhor the idea of the word comedy and Holocaust being used in the same sentence. People will always have differing opinions and feelings about similar experiences; that’s what makes the world interesting. And someone’s right will often be someone else’s wrong. And that’s fine.
Sure Brooks can address the Holocaust in a manner he finds appropriate and so can a Swiss or a Muslim or most any other person. And there is a difference between speaking from first hand experience and just reading or interfacing with others, but it still doesn’t mean that all members of a minority see eye to eye on all issues concerning that minority group.
So saying that Brooks could make fun of the Holocaust because he’s Jewish seems like an invalid argument to me.
Not that the show is directly about Jews or the Holocaust anyhow.
Previously? Blissful Ignorance.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who ignore problems and those who like to work through them.
It would be fair to say that I belong to the latter group. Until recently, I thought this was a desirable and mature characteristic.
Let’s talk about the ones who believe in the bliss of ignorance. To me the idea that a problem would disappear if only it were never addressed sounded ludicrous. I kept saying “Are you telling me that if I completely ignore his picking his nose all day long, he’ll actually stop?” I know many people who act as if the problems are simply not there. Some even make excuses to cover up. Anything, as long as we don’t have to face the real issue.
I just think this option never gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. If a friend’s behavior is upsetting me and I never tell her, she could possibly keep on doing it and I’d have no right to get more agitated, though I most likely would anyhow. Ignoring the issue only allows it to reoccur and it says to the other person that I don’t think it would be worth my time to talk to her.
So it made perfect sense that if an issue arose between me and a person I cared about, I’d sit down as quickly as possible and tell the person my concerns. It also made sense to me that we would discuss the issue and our feelings about it until we came to possible resolutions and even picked one to try out.
I also used to subscribe to the ‘don’t go to bed angry’ belief. So that mentality coupled with the previous made it dreadful when any problems occurred. Especially if the other party was one who likes to ignore the issues.
Imagine if you will, me sitting up in bed, frustrated about a problem and trying to talk it out with my boyfriend. He’s tired and all he can think of is how to make this problem go away so we can sleep. So I talk and he nods. I suggest resolutions and he agrees to anything. I can tell what he’s doing so I get more frustrated and now he’s annoyed I won’t drop it. Then I start realizing it’s getting late but I can’t go to bed angry, so it’s even more urgent that we resolve the problem. So I push harder. I want him to cooperate. I need him to listen. He’d better believe in resolving issues and start suggesting viable resolutions or…
Well, you can imagine the rest. Not a pretty picture.
It seems there’s a good time for ignoring an issue and a good time for addressing it. And nothing has to be done ‘now’. If your relationship is solid, it’s okay to go to bed angry and then resolve the issue in the morning when you’re both calmer. It’s even okay to ignore it for a while so the other person can breathe and be ready to talk. And it’s also okay to ignore some things completely. Many habits come and go, instead of fighting each of them; I’ve learned it’s best to pick your fights.
It’s best to resolve the major issues, or at least really try to, and let go of the small ones. If the small problem gets bigger, you can address it then. On the other hand, if it disappears, you avoided some unnecessary talk.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting ignoring an alcohol problem or a situation where one person feels used. I’m talking about the little things, like putting the dishes next to the sink or not picking up the towels when they fall. Not everything needs a four-hour conversation, not everything needs to be fixed.
Next time you see a towel on the floor, think hard about how much time it will take for you to resolve that forever compared to the amount of time it will take you to simply pick it up.
And then pick the damn towel up.
Previously? Lead vs Follow.
When was the last time you took a look at your own life and revisited some of the choices you made?
Time passes so quickly, especially when you’re busy, that many of us get caught up in the day-to-day life and never take the time to sit back and look at the big picture. We never take a breath and say “Am I in the job I’ve always dreamt of?” or “What kind of compromises have I made and have I made them consciously?”
Anne Tyler’s new novel has a main character who wakes up one morning and realizes that her life has completely gone off track. She sits back and starts envisioning what sort of life she would have had had she not derailed back when she did.
Another recent book I read talks about how a frog will jump back out when thrown into a boiling point of water, but how if you put the frog in cold water and then heat the water slowly it will sit there forever, until he’s fully cooked.
Both made me think of how we lose track of things so quickly and rarely take the time to take a peek at the big picture. This applies to most anything in our daily life: relationships, career, friendships, priorities, etc. Unless some major disaster occurs, many people live the days one day at a time and try to make it through that one day without too much grief. Once the day’s over, we’re all too relieved to have made it.
These books made me think and try to take a big picture look at my life. Especially since I’ve been thinking and planning some major changes in my life, I decided it was crucial to take a look at my life and how much of it is a result of my actively trying versus just falling into the situation. This way, as I plan the next steps of my life, I can take the effort and moment to ensure I can get back on the road or consciously make the derailed path my new choice.
It’s completely fine to change your ideas, priorities and even mind. You’re welcome to want to travel the world one day and get married the next. You can move from being a programmer to a musician and then go study psychology. You can date men and then women. Anything and everything is conceivable and most things are not beyond the realm of possibility in life.
Just as long as you don’t let life drag you along. Take control of your life. Make it what you want it to be. Let your decisions be conscious.
Lead the Way.
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” -Ernest Hemingway
At the end of my theories of personality class, our teacher asked the class which of the six theorists we studied, (Freud, Adler, Sullivan, Skinner, Jung, and Rogers) we would choose.
A few students raised their hands and told their preferences. Most of the choices depended on the specific problem that the student assumed to be facing. For example, if one suffers from a phobia, Skinner might be a good choice since he worked with many phobics.
I said I would have liked to go to Carl Rogers.
Not to just any Rogerian, but Rogers himself. Even though there are many aspects to Rogers’ theories that I enjoy, he had a specific trait, or maybe we can say a gift, that most practicing Rogerians don’t have.
He knew how to listen.
There are videotapes from sessions Carl Rogers held with a patient. In the tape one can see that to Rogers, at that moment, all that matters in the world is that very patient and the words he or she is uttering. Rogers knew how to utterly and completely listen to another human being.
How often do people do that? And I don’t mean ‘pay attention’, I mean truly listen.
Most often as the other person talks, we’re formulating our answer, thinking of something completely different like a problem at work or an important to-do, or even simply tuning out. Most of us never bother to scratch deeper than the surface of a conversation, especially if it doesn’t directly involve us.
I don’t mean to say we’re selfish or that we don’t care. I just think that most of us are usually thinking of too many things at once, so we don’t really concentrate on one particular thing at a time. It’s certainly possible to listen to a friend while making a grocery list in one’s head. And I don’t mean just nod, but listen enough to be able to recite the words back to the person. But is that really listening?
When was the last time a certain person or conversation had your full attention? And I mean 100%. Being listened to is an incredible rush. You can definitely tell when someone’s listening and not just hearing. When the person is fully there with you and you’re not only their number one priority but their only priority for that moment in time.
Somehow we tend to do that when we’re in the process of making new friends or falling in love. Since it’s a completely new environment we tend to be ‘all there’ and we have very few assumptions since we don’t know the other party well enough to assume. So we listen. We really listen.
I decided that I want to do more listening. What I can learn from really listening to one person is exponentially more rewarding than simply hearing the words of a hundred people.
Previously? Slow.
|
projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
|
