Yesterday, I saw an article on a blog my husband reads. It was talking about a powerful career woman who lives around here (whom I’ve met) and she was saying how she works 9-5 and gets to pickup her kids from school everyday, etc. And the article made me incredibly mad. I know for a fact that this person has several nannies and a lot of other help. She also works a lot more than 9-5.
It wasn’t just the lying that made me mad (which, of course, is terrible on its own) but the message it was sending.
It was implying that you can be a super-successful career woman and also a great mom who’s consistently there. You can have it all and do it all.
Which is deeply, profoundly untrue.
It’s not just untrue but it’s damaging to those of us who are trying so hard to keep up with things and not drop all the balls in the air. To look at her and have her make it seem like she can just do it all and that if I can’t, there must be something wrong with me. It’s giving a false impression of what’s possible and doing my life, struggles, psyche a huge damage in the process.
I feel like we do this a lot by being inauthentic and by making it seem like things are “breezier” than they are. As it is, we already seem to have a tendency to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others, so there’s no need to add to that by just lying (or omitting facts.) I feel like we would do everyone a LOT better service by just being honest. I feel like people who are struggling and not ashamed to say it actually get a lot more empathy, sympathy and much less judgement. We all feel inadequate here. All of us. Some of us hide it better. Some of us aren’t even willing to admit it to ourselves yet. But we all just feel “less than” in some areas of our lives. And the first step to healing that, in my opinion, is just saying it. So that others know it, too. So that others feel it’s ok to be courageous and share their truth, too.
To me, misrepresenting the truth in this way is no different than photoshopping a model’s body. It’s distortion of facts. It’s covering up what’s real.
What’s the point?
Ok, I understand. The point is that *you* look good. This person looks like a superstar. She’s amazing. She can do it all. She’s supermom and super career woman. So let’s all give her a pat in the back. And then what?
The cost to her ten minutes of feeling good about herself is that tons of other women who are now trying to juggle work and home feel terrible. The cost is that the issues for women who are trying to make it work are not acknowledged now and will never be discussed or resolved. Cause clearly if she can do it, it can be done, right? It must be a problem with me, not with the situation. Now there’s a public article/example that shows someone who can juggle it all perfectly.
It makes her look unrealistically successful at doing it all. It makes me look and feel terrible for not being able to do the same. It makes the hardships of trying to balance home and work seem nonexistent or devalued. And now the important discussions that could happen to resolve real issues will never happen. Cause clearly there are tangible examples of those who can make it all work. So we don’t need to talk about it cause there’s nothing to talk about. And not talking only leads to more damage. Like photoshopped images and eating disorders.
All so she can look good for an article.
This is not just a case of covering up a few truths so you look better than you are. This is something that’s going to cause tangible damage in the worlds of many other women.
And it makes me mad.
From a somewhat different point of view, I think of the children in this situation. THEY know the truth. And as a mother, I have gotten to the point where I can read something like the blog article you are discussing, and immediately question what area(s) of their life is(are) really out of balance, because it is a lie that one can “do it all”, or at least that one can do it all WELL.
By the way, I appreciate your blog posts, art work, and scrapbooking work. Thanks for sharing them here!
Ouch! My initial thought was to wonder if she’s faking it until she makes it. And can you see through it. Who’s going to do damage control?
It makes me mad too. I recently met an inauthentic person who reminded me of some childhood friends who are still painting a perfect picture of their lives. I guess (because of inauthenticity, you never really know) there’s so much pride and ego that an imperfect image is not negotiable. Since they put up a false image, nobody really knows them. In which case, all their relationships are fakes as well. It’s sad that they live a lie everyday.
It’s terrible that they send a false message to other women. We have to learn to discern such characters and not fall into the trap of a perfect life. My alarm bells rang when the inauthentic person mentioned above start claiming that child rearing is easy.
We all want to look good and often project ourselves that way. But I’ve found being real with my struggles often allows another mom to know she’s not alone in the hard things, the very real human (and sometimes painful) life that is happening to her. There is such community when we are able to share the joys and heartaches of this life with others. Thank you for sharing your life, in a very real way, with us.
I, too, hate the misrepresentation. There is not a Mother in the world who hasn’t questioned thier parenting skills and the delicate balance of time spent getting “everything” accomplished. I love your blog. I love your art. I love your words . . .your honesty. I also enjoy seeing your sweet family. The smiles on those boys faces show that you ARE doing things right. Your photos show the loving interactions that take place in your home.
When I hear of articles like this my automatic response is – who is she so desperately trying to convince that she’s so ‘in control’ and ‘on top of everything’ ? My guess, is probably herself. I just think that it’s unrealistic and I agree with you Karen – very damaging – to even try to play this game. I believe that, yes, as a woman, I CAN do it all – all the things that I set out to do, if they are important enough to me, I CAN DO THEM. Just not all at the same time. My kids are now both in school and I am slowly moving out of the “mommy’ years into the ‘mom’ years. And I have a little more time than I did 2 years ago when I was thrilled if I managed to get a little walk in from time to time. Now I can actually plan fitness activities and not feel like I am missing out on all of the moments in my kids lives that I want to be there for. That will continue to change as they grow. I think that by trying to be some sort of ‘super-woman’ this woman is just demonstrating that she has sold out her real needs in order to try to achieve some manufactured concept of what the perfect woman is supposed to be. That is not who I want to be and NOT what I want to model to my kids.
THANK YOU
I echo Kristine, thank you!
I applaud you voicing these things. It really helps us all start feeling a little better about ourselves! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I interpreted the article differently. I read it as she’s willing to risk the perception of others to make time for her family, at least for an hour or so each day (in reality that is probably all they really get-I doubt she’s hanging out with the them for the entire evening). The real question is, does she accept the same of coworkers and subordinates or does she receive special treatment?
I think lots of kids are suffering from being second in their parents lives. I recently became a sahm, and many people when catch-up on life, say they could never be a sahm they would go crazy (I thought the same thing). I think a lot of people (men and women) believe that you have to have a job to be ‘someone’, and don’t think that raising kids is more important than that job. There are lots of people that could (if they choose) to have a one parent income family. But… with divorce so rampant in our society… would it be smart for a woman to take herself out of the job market to be a sahm, when there is a high probabilty she will need to be working in 5 to 10 years anyways? ~Kimberlee