Years ago, I took this class. In one of the segments of the class, the teacher picked up two trashcans and put one in front of him and one behind him. The one behind him was full of papers and the other one was empty. He said something like (paraphrasing since it’s been many many years) “This full bucket is your past and this other one is your future. If you don’t make peace with your past and let it go, you are bound to take pieces of it and bring it to the future.” He picked up a paper and put it in the empty one to demonstrate it as the spoke.

Last night, as I was talking to a client, I remembered this little scene because we were discussing a case where the client was making a choice that wasn’t based on resonance but on what I call “not that.” (or maybe dissonance is a good word for it.)

There are so many times in our life where we experience something in a dissonant way and then choose future actions based on doing anything but that again. Imagine something your parents did that you believe is a mistake or something you didn’t like. You think When I have kids I will do “not that.” Or the way a boss treats you. Or a sibling, a friend, even a stranger. If something hurts, upsets, frustrates us or causes dissonance in some way, we react by choosing to do things that are pretty much anything but that particular act.

And while I am all for avoiding dissonance and pain, in my opinion, “not that” isn’t a good way to make choices in life. The most empowering choices come from a space of resonance. And the opposite of pain and dissonance is not always resonance. Imagine standing in the center of a circle at this moment and there are many, many paths extending from you to the edge of the circle. If we were to think of this one path you’re trying to not have and rule it out, there are still hundreds of others available to you. Picking any one of the leftovers isn’t the right strategy. While all of those would qualify as “not that” some are still dissonant in other ways and many are not resonant.

If you let go of your attachment to the past and to the idea of “not that,” you are now choosing from an empty space. A space of possibility. A space where you can honor your values, step into your life, and really exercise choice.

That’s the life I want for myself.

And now I can see why that means I have to empty my metaphorical trash of the past.