Since I started getting up at 5am, I’ve been starting my days with a body scan meditation and then some journaling. In the first few days, both of them were very centered, insightful and rewarding.

But in the last week, I’ve noticed a slight shift. I am more tired and more impatient during my body scan. I am only halfway present (at best) and then a lot of my journaling is ranting or at least complaining or at best whining. I am not a fan of this kind of journaling. I understand that, for some people, it serves a purpose to unload or get it out of their system. But, for me, it just puts me in a bad mood or makes me feel sorry for myself.

So not only have I been not present in my mediation and whining in my journaling but then I’ve been spending my days being grumpy and frustrated. Clearly not the point of going through the effort of waking up at 5am.

On my way to pick up Nathaniel from school today, I was listening to Tara Brach’s dharma talk on Listening. She often mentions sitting with something and noticing what shifts or comes up as you sit there and allow the feelings to be present (without judging them.) I often ask my clients the question of what’s under a particular thought or feeling, so it felt obvious that I should do it too.

As I was driving, I started paying attention to what was there. Sadness, frustration, panic, hopelessness, worry, anger. I didn’t judge any of them. As more came to the surface, I noticed them shift and change shape. It made it easier for me to understand why something trivial-seeming might feel so heavy. Once I uncovered all that was under it, it was obvious that this one thing was just a manifestation of a much bigger worry.

This is the thing with listening without judgement: it opens the space for you to notice all that’s there. not just the one symptom but everything. And it is only when you allow yourself to see everything, to accept everything that you can begin to heal.

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking it or even approving of it. It just means being willing to see what’s already there. Because what’s already there is in fact already there. Not acknowledging it doesn’t make it go away. It just makes you bury it under shame, anger, or other unproductive feelings. And it also doesn’t allow you to see/know what’s really there. You’re not seeing the full picture.

I don’t know that acknowledging what is means you now know how to solve it. But I do know that not acknowledging it is definitely getting in the way of any shift or resolution.

Since I was driving when all this came to me, I decided my plan for tomorrow morning is to really listen. Not be frustrated about how badly I am meditating and not to use the journaling to whine but to keep answering: “what’s here now?” so I can keep digging and digging and shine light on all that’s hiding in the dark corners.

As I was setting my intentions for this week and answering the questions, one of them was about what I want to receive into my life this week. The first words I wrote were: kindness. acknowledgement. community.

Then I had a moment. One of those rare moments where you can see your life from the outside and realize how amazing it is. I then wrote “I am ready to listen for the good. All this week, I will listen for the good and see what I hear.”

The thing is, I have all these in my life already. But I don’t really pay attention to them. I tend to be one of those people who’s really focused on improving. I also find the “bad stuff” easier to believe. It’s part of what I talked about last week. When you believe there’s something wrong with you, all the criticism serves to perpetuate your story so you listen to it and you hear it more clearly than anything else. And you believe it. (because you already believed it before it was even said.) This means the that the “bad” voices are much louder than the good ones.

And part of being done with that story is starting to balance out the listening. Starting to pay attention to the good. And to really hear it. Ideally, I’d say “to really believe it.” but considering I don’t even hear it, I think listening for it is already a pretty big step for me. And before I can believe it, I need to be able to hear it. To listen for it. To really see it.

So that’s my plan for this week. To really really really listen for the good. To remember it. To notice it. To look for it.

To make myself more accountable and to lock it in, I also gave the same challenge to David so we can compare notes each evening and exchange five good things we heard each day. This will mean we’re both going to have to work that much harder to listen for it, hear it, remember it and share it.

If you’d like to join us, I encourage you to spend this week listening for the good as well. Cultivate the joy. Say thank you to compliments. Believe the positive words. Be grateful. Pay attention, accept, and cherish the love, acknowledgement, kindness and community that’s already coming your way.