I was listening to Tara Brach this morning in the car and she tells the story of this girl who is mixing paints and discovers for the first time that if she mixes blue and yellow, it becomes green. She’s so excited about this that when her Dad comes home, she wants to share it with him. But when he comes home, he’s still working on a deal and he’s on the phone and busy. She follows him around saying “dad, dad” but he’s busy. Eventually, as he walks into his office, she’s still there, following him so he turns around and says, “What are you doing down there?” And she says “Daddy, I live down here.”

Tara then goes on to talk about feeling heard and feeling like people notice you and care about what you say, etc.

This was not the first time I heard the story. I like to listen to all of Tara’s podcasts and she tends to repeat stories occasionally when they fit the topic of discussion. Even though it wasn’t my first time, the story stayed with me longer than usual this time around.

It made me think about my life and the way I treat my kids. The way they might or might not feel heard/noticed at times. And what I could do about it.

I feel like one of my core issues in life is my lack of a sense of belonging. Somewhere along the line I decided I didn’t belong and I just can’t seem to discard that notion easily. Even in situations I excelled, I have a nagging feeling of not belonging, this constant wait for the other shoe to drop. I am not sure if it comes from this feeling of “not being heard” but I do think that if a kid feels like s/he is heard and his/her words matter, it certainly strengthens the notion of belonging.

Maybe I am not right but I’m thinking about it and trying to see if feeling heard might affect sense of belonging.

The fact is, I am not a stay-at-home mom and I am not able to give all of my minutes to my kids. And, honestly, I don’t think feeling sad about it will help so I am trying to be realistic. I have a job which gives my kids other opportunities that are also important in their lives. I have hobbies, friends, personal growth ventures, etc. all of which take time away from my kids. And I don’t necessarily think the answer is to do away with those.

But then, I am trying to figure out what the answer is. One thing I try to do is make the most of the opportunities we do have together. On the way to and from school, I make sure to listen to my kids instead of being busy doing anything else (well, except driving!) I make sure to spend time with them each morning and each night. I always ask about their day, we have our gratitude conversations, our projects, our celebrations, etc etc. But I was thinking today that I’d like to do more. I’d like to schedule some time each day for each of my kids to talk to me about whatever they want. Some amount of time where I am completely, uninterruptedly theirs.

This is easier with Nathaniel since he spends more hours at home. With David, I will have to carve time. He and I spend very little time without Nathaniel and most of it is spent on homework, learning, or other growth activities. He doesn’t get time to just freely share with me each day for more than 10mins or so. The rest of the sharing is interrupted by work, Nathaniel, dinner, homework, whatever.

So I am trying to find a way to make my kids feel more heard. It starts with them but, of course, I want to do it with everyone in my life. With Jake. with my friends. With people I encounter. I want to be able to be 100% present when I am with them, no matter who. So it shows that they matter and what they say matters. That they belong in this space with me at this moment.

I don’t know if it will instill more belonging. I don’t even know if I can do it consistently. But I know that I want to. And since they are both home all week next week, I am going to give it a genuine try. Let’s see if it works.

If you have a strong sense of being heard and/or belonging, I’d love to hear what makes you feel that way. What I could try with my own kids. And maybe even myself.