Life seems to be so very crazy lately. I feel like the days are racing by. The books I want to read are piling up. I’m falling behind in the art I want to create. The emails are out of control. I can’t seem to sit down and write here. I am not taking photos that document our life. Even the Tivo is filling up. It feels like a constant catch-up game. Please tell me some of you out there are feeling this, too?

I don’t really know what happened to September and October. In another week we’re going to be into November. I can’t believe 2012 is almost over.

I often go into what I consider to be a resting period starting mid-November or so. I think maybe it’s just starting earlier this year. I basically slow down. A lot. And lately I’ve been feeling an overwhelming need to slow down my “typical” routines.

I’ve had deadlines and todos for some of my regular commitments. And work, of course. Taking the kids to school and back, sitting to oversee homework, teaching the little one to read, and just trying to kiss them as much as I can. I’ve also been giving sample sessions and coaching sessions for new clients. I’ve been going to class.

But when there’s a moment of quiet, I’ve been wanting to do nothing. Nothing.

Nothing is not a common state for me. In fact I have a lot to write about the Default Mode Network of the brain and the flow mode. Both of which we covered in class this week, but that’s for another day. I like to fill my minutes up. I like to read and do art and work on my savor project.

But not lately. I feel a stronger pull to veg out than usual. This is common for the holiday season, but I’ve never felt it happen so early in the year. During the holidays I read pretty much non stop. I read books I’ve been piling all year. I drop all my projects and self-commitments and just do what I want. I do it all guilt free. It’s the joy of December.

And I think maybe this year I have to start it early.

Maybe all this resistance is a sign that I need an extended December this year.

So I am officially letting myself off the hook. I will do only what I want, when I want. I will continue my commitments to others. I will show up for my kids. I will be teaching the December Daily Boot Camp for Gossamer Blue and the 12 Days of Christmas for Big Picture Classes. I will be coaching. I will be going to class. I will be exercising. But other than those, I am going let myself relax. Stress free and guilt free. I will do what I want, when I want. If some of my personal projects go by the wayside for November, so be it.

Instead, the books will get read, TV will be watched, there will be snuggles, resting, sleeping, planning for 2013, and hopefully solid amounts of meditation.

Bring it On.

I’ve often heard the question “What would you do if you had one more day left to live?” I find that, for me, this question isn’t as life changing as it might appear.

If I had only one day left, clearly I wouldn’t be spending it at work. It’s only 24 hours, so I would likely go to the beach or forest with my family and spend the day just in their company. I’d try to soak up all their laughter and joy and remember how they smell, how they laugh, and hug them all day long. I’d tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I’d also take a bunch of time to send each friend a little note to thank them for who they are.

All of which is great but it’s not exactly correlated to how I might change my life in general. The fact is, I will (hopefully) not die tomorrow. If I only had one day to live, some of the longer term goals are unachievable. I cannot save more money for my kids’ future. Or do a longer term project that might be important to me. So comparing how I live my last day to how I might then change my current life isn’t realistic to me. (Sure they might be some takeaways but not as much as I’d like.)

I think a more interesting question is “What would you do if you knew you had five years left to live?” Five years is a long enough time that I would likely not quit working altogether. I have time to complete some of the longer-term goals. I wouldn’t just drop or uproot my life.

But I might still make some big changes.

Five years is long enough to make some lasting changes, long enough to think things through. But it’s short enough to not want to waste a minute of it. It’s short enough to envision the end and work backwards and put more value on each minute, on each day. On each week.

I think knowing I had only five years left would significantly change the way I live my life. I feel like I would get more choosy with how I spend my days. Who I hang out with. How much energy I spend worrying about different aspects of my life. I think thinking about five years allows me a more balanced perspective.

To be fair, there are some exceptions even in the “five year” scenario. For example, I might not worry about my weight or nutrition or exercise. At least not as diligently as now. One of the reasons I do a bunch of these health-initiatives is for long-term health. Which is sort of moot in the the “five year” scenario.

But despite those loopholes, I still think the “How would you change your life if you knew you only had five more years to live” gives you more food for thought. More ways to look at your life realistically and see what changes you could implement right now. There’s no reason you can’t live a more fulfilled life right now. One that aligns with your values and hopes and wishes.

So that’s my challenge for you today. Think about how you would live your life if you only had five more years. What would you change? What would stay the same? What would you never do again? What would you do more often?

I have this lovely pattern where one tiny event will happen and I will start doubting myself. It could be an unreturned email. Or a funny look that I completely misinterpret. Or maybe a legitimate mess up. Something will happen to make me go to my “bad place” and start the conversations in my head. From there on, I get stuck in this “bad place” and continually try to figure out why I am there. What did I do wrong? How could I have done differently? What is this person thinking of me now? It’s a cycle and it lives inside my head.

Sounds familiar?

Ruminating.

For the longest time, I thought every single person did this. Apparently it’s not the case cause I’ve since met people who don’t get caught up like I do. Who don’t trying to think their way out of these kinds of problems. The first time I met someone like that I remember thinking how lucky they were. How I wished I could turn mine off too.

And I was so right.

Here’s what I learned in this week’s class: Rumination is not good for you. For these kinds of problems, you cannot think your way out of them. This is not the kind of problem where you might collect more data, consult friends. think a bit and solve. This is you getting “hooked in” to a thought and then trying to ruminate your way out of it. The kind of stuff that hooks you in again and again. To make it easier to distinguish and remember, she put up two images. A fish hook and then the thinker. The first step is the thought that hooks you in and then the second step is sitting there and trying to solve it by thinking your way out of it. For those situations, ruminating mostly causes suffering.

As we meditated in class, she told us to pay attention to the thoughts that came up so we could recognize random ones like “this room is hot” or “oh i need to send email to so and so” vs the ones that hooked us in like ” oh i forgot to do this thing again. i always forget to do what i said i would. why do i behave like this each time and let down the people around me.” She said when such a thought came up, to notice it and then to let it go. (This was open awareness meditation where you imagine a blue sky and visualize your thoughts passing by like clouds. So you’d note the hooking thought but not get hooked by it.)

I’ve been thinking about this image of a hook since the class. And I think it’s so appropriate. My hooks are all around the stories I’ve created for my life. When a situation hooks me in, I don’t even notice, I just fall into the abyss of the story. My goal now is to start paying more attention to the situations, words, people that cause me to get “hooked in” so instead of ruminating, I can notice them and say “aha! there it is again, i’m not getting caught in it this time.” And maybe if I can notice it and let it go enough times, it will stop hooking me in at some point.

Like most other things, here’s another area where raising awareness is the key. The more I recognize it, the less I might fall into the abyss.

If I’m lucky.