Ever since I made this collage page for the Your Living Canvas class, I’ve been thinking about bravery and taking brave steps and being brave in general.

Here’s what I’ve come to believe….I’m going to say something controversial now. Ready?

I, think to the outside world, the difference between a brave move and a stupid one is the outcome. Society (and even we) measures bravery on how good the outcome was. If you took a big risk and moved to a new town, job, relationship and it turned out great, you were so brave! But if the outcome was less than stellar, well then you were dumb and/or didn’t think things through.

Taking a step in a new/different direction is very difficult. Our body, mind, heart and soul just want to play it safe. We like inertia. We know how things work at this moment. Even if we dislike so many parts of status quo, we know how to navigate through it. All the upsides and downsides are known.

And “known” is a good thing.

Unknown is a scary thing. The outcome is not quantifiable. There are no guarantees. There’s risk (and of course potential reward) and whenever there’s risk, there is always the possibility of undesired outcome, unexpected downside. I think almost all of us are afraid of the unknown.

I might be in a situation where I have to decide if I want to plunge forth on a decision that involves some changes. Some unknowns. I am trying my best to get reassurances that things will work out the way I want them to, but there are no guarantees. When you do something new, something you’ve never done, there are no guarantees.

To be honest, even the “knowns” are not guaranteed. Today I have a wonderful husband and two great kids, I have a job working at home, I have a home, I have hobbies, friends, etc. One or more of these things may no longer be true tomorrow. Things are not in my control as much as I’d like to think they are. So things could change tomorrow anyway. But the difference is that if I plunge forward, I will have put the changes in motion. I will be the responsible person if things don’t unfold as desired. It will be my fault. I will say “I wish I hadn’t been so stupid or greedy or selfish….” I don’t know what I’ll say but it won’t be nice. I’ll blame myself.

Whereas if things work out, I’ll be so wise! Good job doing the right thing Karen. Good job for being brave.

But of course, what’s brave is taking the step. Moving forward even though you don’t know the outcome. Thinking and feeling your way through the choices. Doing the best you can to stabilize and clarify the unknowns. And then just taking a leap.

Each leap is brave.

Regardless of the outcome. Each leap means you’re trying to grow, stretch, improve, try something new. Each leap means you’re not staying with the easy but unpleasant status quo. You’re taking charge of your life. Right or wrong. You’re doing something about it.

And that’s brave.

How it turns out? Well that’s just life. Things work out the way they do. Sometimes they don’t. And then you learn and you apologize. You eat your pride and figure out your next steps. Or maybe it’s a small adjustment. Maybe it’s the final straw to something that was fundamentally never going to work.

And sometimes things work out. And then it’s magic. You’re so glad you leapt.

No one knows what the future really holds. And we can all be geniuses in retrospect. So we all work with what we have now.

I want to practice being brave. I want to know that regardless of the outcome, I will find a way to be ok, I will survive, I will thrive. Each time I am brave, I get stronger. Each time I am brave, I learn to trust myself more. I want to remember that being brave is about taking the leap. Not about where I land.

I want to be brave.

This month’s assignment for the One Little Word class was about choosing a battle. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot this week. I’ve noticed that there are certain things that can hurl me into spirals of negativity. And once my mind is on a roll, it’s hard to stop patterns from repeating. I’ve come to believe that what works best is to stop myself at the very beginning.

I had a situation last week, where someone was exceptionally mean to me over the phone. It was an area where I already felt a little small about myself. I tried to stand up for myself but she just got meaner. After I got off the phone, I almost cried. I just felt small and terrible. It affected the rest of my day (probably the next few days actually.)

I know from personal experience that when other people criticize you it’s more often about them and not you. I know that when people frustrate or annoy me, it’s more about me than them. I know all the facts but I often have a hard time making my heart/soul listen to them when I am in this bad place. Instead, I beat myself up. And in lieu of ignoring or letting go, I join in. I bash myself more than they ever can. I make myself small. Tiny.

What a load of … you know what.

Here’s what I believe: People who make you feel small are NOT worth it. They are not worth your time or your effort. I noticed that I often spend more energy trying to “win” the love an attention of these mean people over those who already love me and accept me the way I am. I somehow feel like their mean words are truer than the words of those whom I trust. What a waste of time! Even as I write this down, I can see how ridiculous that is but I know that I do it again and again.

There’s a book I love called Now Discover Your Strengths which talks about how we need to change our perspective on how we look at our strengths and shortcomings. The book explains that instead of spending so much energy trying to improve the areas in which you’re lacking by a little bit, it’s much better use of your time and energy to focus on what you’re inherently better at. You can find help, hire others, delegate, outsource, etc for the areas where you need more help and you can focus on what you’re good at. Apparently this leads to a much bigger success and happiness. When you think about it, this seems pretty obvious to me. Clearly if I focus on what I am good at and like to do and find other ways to fill the holes I have, every task will be done better and I will enjoy my life more. As opposed to always feeling like I’m struggling to keep up with the areas where I’m lacking.

I feel like I can use a similar method in choosing my battles. I want to work on things that will make my life happier and better. On things that will improve my relationships with the people I care about. I want to let go of the crap that doesn’t really matter. I want to work on things that make my family time more enjoyable. Focus on my marriage. My friends. I want to remember that I come to this world not with just my shortcomings but also my gifts. The battle is to weed out the garbage voices and let the important ones come to the surface. I want to do what makes me happy. Regardless of what others think of it. I want to do what makes me shine. Thrive.

I think the best way to quiet the voices others put in my head is to remember my own voice. To give my voice and the voices of the people I love priority over all the noise. I want to pick my battles more carefully. I want to focus on what serves me. And not what brings me down.

I want to not just know but feel that when others’ criticize me, it’s about them. When people are mean, it’s about them. When people are gossipy, unkind, cruel, belittling, or whatever, it’s about them. If someone has genuine feedback, they can find a way to give it kindly. Otherwise, it’s not worth my time. I want to feel this so deeply that when these things happen, I can just let them go. Without going into any spirals. Without giving them any space in my head or heart or soul.

I had the opportunity this week to follow up on last week’s call and report the not-so-kind behavior to higher up in the woman’s chain. I thought about it a lot but in the end I decided to let it go. Maybe she had a bad day. Or maybe she’s mean all the time. (I know that if this is the case, it’s better if someone stands up and calls her out on it. But in this case I wasn’t the best person for it.) Either way, I decided I was going to let this go. I knew that thinking about the situation didn’t serve me. It made me go back to that small place. So I decided to just let it go and stop this battle before it began. This particular one wasn’t going to be my battle. I want to focus on what makes me feel stronger and not weaker. I want to focus on people who care about me and people I care about.

I want to save my battles for the deserving few.

Today’s my birthday.

I am now officially thirty-eight years old. Just a few more before I get to be in my forties instead of thirties. Aging is not something that worries me. I feel privileged and grateful to get each year I get.

It’s been a long, messy, rough, hectic, muddled few weeks here. As expected the schedule changes aren’t really settled down yet. I am behind in all my classes and emails and comments and just about everything else. And instead of spending time catching up, I seem to just want to slow down more and more.

Last weekend was intense for me emotionally and physically and work’s going to really go up a notch next week, so I decided to take myself off the hook this week and do as little as possible. I am still running but just one mile a day and I am doing my sketches but simpler ones. Other than that, I’ve only been doing what I have to and nothing else. I’ve been going to bed between 8-9pm each night and trying to get rest.

While I am itching at the bits to dig into some stuff (like my coursework or several books that are piling up on my ipad) I am forcing myself to slow down. Reminding myself regularly that things will wait. Life will wait.

With kids at school, September seems like a more appropriate beginning time to me than January, lately. I feel like with the start of the school year, we have a new schedule, new classes and teachers and challenges. It seems like the right time to be choosing words and projects, etc. So I always have a lot of ideas come up this time of year and have to (im)patiently wait another few months to implement them. I am at the idea-collecting stage.

However, in honor of my birthday, I will take today as an emotional resetting/beginning of sorts. This year has had a lot of tough times for me and this past week has been emotionally rough. So as I look forward to my 38-year-old self, here’s what I want to focus on:

1. Kindness Above All: I’ve learned time and again that this is the one big thing for me. I can tolerate so much but I cannot tolerate unkind people. I grew up with mean friends (whether they meant to be or not, they were just mean.) I learned early on to be mean to myself. And it’s a horrible, terrible thing to be unkind to oneself. So it will stop now. I will no longer be unkind to myself. When I notice myself going there, I will put my hand on my heart and give myself some compassion. I deserve kindness. You deserve kindness. We all do. Every single one of us, no matter what. I will not tolerate unkindness anymore. From myself or anyone else. I will do everything I can to remove unkind people from my life. I notice that sometimes unkindness is how people try to gain power over others. Sometimes my need to seek approval and kindess from these people overpowers my ability to receive kindness from those who give it to me regularly. No longer. I also will do my very best to be my kindest self possible. Have no assumptions, be open and be as kind as I can.

2. Patience and Calm: I find that, I often feel a sense of panic when multiple things are happening simultaneously. I might even end up putting my focus on the wrong thing and stress the situation further. I like getting things done, but I like feeling calm more than feeling accomplished. I want to work on my patience and calm. Patience with myself and my kids, my loved ones, strangers, friends, work mates. Not jumping the gun, not yelling, not assuming. Being patient and open and calm. Knowing, and truly believing, that things will work out. Because, honestly, almost always they do. And when they don’t being impatient doesn’t help.

3. Being Completely Present: The word savor has been good to me. Between that and the mindfulness classes/talks I’ve experienced, I feel confident that life, fulness, joy are all in this moment. I want to be present. With myself, with my kids, work, marriage. All of life. I want to soak it all up. Right now. I don’t want worries, stresses, even potential joys of the future to get in the way. I want to soak in this very moment. I want to fully live it. Bathe in it. I want to notice all the colors, sounds, textures. Every little thing. I deeply believe that life will feel much less challenging and work out more smoothly if I can embrace this mindset. I will bring back my gratitude practice. I’ve been slacking. But no longer.

Last night, David and I used a wonderfully liberating ritual I learned in the Brave Girls’ Body Restoration class. It made a significant shift for him. It has to do with writing a letter and then burying it. Today, I plan to write a letter to my 37-year-old self. I want to bid all of my past a good-bye. I have no doubt the lessons will always stay with me but I’d like to unload as much of the burden from the past as I can. I’d like to wake up tomorrow knowing that the labels I have been carrying are gone and I get to create new ones. Good or bad.

So here’s to hoping thirty-eight is a great year. I’m grateful that I get to be here.