Fair warning that this is a rambling post…

I am hoping I am not the only one with this problem but I am feeling quite scattered lately. Even though I didn’t really get jetlag when I came back from Turkey, I still haven’t been able to get my brain organized. I sort of go through the days getting what needs to get done, done but not really working ahead much.

I am not panicked about this since all my must-get-done items are done. I am working diligently and hard at work. I am still running 3 miles a day. I got my CHA work done. And I am sketching and doing art and savor project each week.

but something is missing.

I feel disconnected from it all. Not sure how to explain it better. I feel like hours pass, I do some stuff and then it’s 7pm and I am worn out, tired, and uninspired. I can’t even seem to pick a book to read lately, I am literally in the middle of 5 books. This is unheard of for me. I like to pick one, read it all the way, and then move to the next. But I can’t even seem to be able to make up my mind about which book to read lately.

There are things I wanted to do in June and I am worried that the month is quickly coming to a close and I am not getting to them:

1. I want to reflect on the last six months. Review my goals from January and see how I am doing. Sort of like I did here. I am thinking I might use this download I found at Susannah’s site. Even though it was meant for 2012’s beginning, I can use it to look back on the first half of 2012 and plan for the second half.
2. I want to go through the little changes list I made and sort of schedule them into my days, months, plans.
3. I want to get some math and writing books for David for the summer. I want to work with him on his writing.  I need to schedule daily/weekly summer time with him.
4. I want to resume our reading book with Nathaniel.  I need to schedule daily/weekly summer time with him, too.
5. I am thinking of possibly writing a new class. It would be about savoring every day. It would be mostly about reflection, journaling exercises. It would also involve artsy exercises but you can use medium of your choice like photography, scrapping, drawing, art journaling, or none of the above. I haven’t fleshed it out but I can’t decide if it’s worth writing it or not. There are a lot of online classes now. This wouldn’t be super-cheap. Would any of you be interested? (I know I didn’t sell it well but I am feeling tired now 🙂 ) But before I work for hours and hours and really pour my soul into it, I sort of want to get a feel for how much interest there even is and I am not sure how to do that….
6. I have sort of begun thinking about 2013 too. It’s not too soon for me. I want to plan some of my projects. See what I want to keep from 2012 and what I want to change up. I want to make time to think more around this.
7. My inbox is loud with emails I haven’t returned. I feel overwhelmingly tired when I look at it. It makes me sad to feel this way.
8. I need to get back on schedule with the food, driving, strength exercises, and journaling. I miss them all.
9. Nathaniel’s school ends Friday and I need a bit more of a schedule for the kids if I am to survive this summer.
10. I am tired. Feeling unmotivated always does this to me. I think this means I should get up and do some art.

So that’s what’s on my mind today. I think maybe I need to go out 1-2 nights this week and spend some quality time with my journal. I know feeling organized is the first step to feeling inspired for me. How about you? Anyone else having a scattered summer so far?

I’ve written quite a bit about how I don’t like to have my photo taken. That post is what started my family photo journey and I am deeply grateful for it. While I still don’t really care to have my photo taken, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing it and I do cherish the family photos very much.

There are many things that bother me about my face (and body) and I can list them for pages and pages. But the one thing that I don’t seem to mind is the lines on my face. I am always surprised when people around me look at their picture and comment on how old they look because of the lines around their mouth or eyes.

To me, that’s just a sign that you lived.

Not only do they not bother me but I am a huge fan of crow’s feet. They mean you smiled.

A lot.

There are signs of aging that are negative (in my opinion) because they point to neglect. Like not taking care of your body or teeth, etc. Like eating unhealthy food and not exercising (moving) enough. I’ve got a lot of these, too. I’ve been working in the last two years to fix these. It’s considerably harder to fix them when you’re as close to your forties as I am. But it’s not impossible. And I believe that anything that makes me stronger and possibly live longer (so I can see my kids grow and have families of their own) is worth trying.

Even the graying of my hair might bother me some times. Though I think that’s more conditioning than my personal opinion. Left to my own devices, I think I would have let my grays grow out. I find other people’s gray hair elegant. But I can see how it might feel unkempt to some people. I can understand gray hair as the sign that we’re getting old cause it’s not something that’s an outcome of something we actively do. It’s just the way hair changes over time.

But the lines are a direct result of smiling a lot. Of living life. Of facial expressions you’ve made over the years. To me, they always, always seem to represent happiness. Joy. It’s like the map of all the good times you’ve had.

I know you might get wrinkles on your forehead from frowning or worrying, too, but the crow’s feet is a clear sign of smiling. I would take a million crow’s feet over sorrow any day of the week.

And twice on Sunday.