Today’s my birthday.
I am now officially thirty-eight years old. Just a few more before I get to be in my forties instead of thirties. Aging is not something that worries me. I feel privileged and grateful to get each year I get.
It’s been a long, messy, rough, hectic, muddled few weeks here. As expected the schedule changes aren’t really settled down yet. I am behind in all my classes and emails and comments and just about everything else. And instead of spending time catching up, I seem to just want to slow down more and more.
Last weekend was intense for me emotionally and physically and work’s going to really go up a notch next week, so I decided to take myself off the hook this week and do as little as possible. I am still running but just one mile a day and I am doing my sketches but simpler ones. Other than that, I’ve only been doing what I have to and nothing else. I’ve been going to bed between 8-9pm each night and trying to get rest.
While I am itching at the bits to dig into some stuff (like my coursework or several books that are piling up on my ipad) I am forcing myself to slow down. Reminding myself regularly that things will wait. Life will wait.
With kids at school, September seems like a more appropriate beginning time to me than January, lately. I feel like with the start of the school year, we have a new schedule, new classes and teachers and challenges. It seems like the right time to be choosing words and projects, etc. So I always have a lot of ideas come up this time of year and have to (im)patiently wait another few months to implement them. I am at the idea-collecting stage.
However, in honor of my birthday, I will take today as an emotional resetting/beginning of sorts. This year has had a lot of tough times for me and this past week has been emotionally rough. So as I look forward to my 38-year-old self, here’s what I want to focus on:
1. Kindness Above All: I’ve learned time and again that this is the one big thing for me. I can tolerate so much but I cannot tolerate unkind people. I grew up with mean friends (whether they meant to be or not, they were just mean.) I learned early on to be mean to myself. And it’s a horrible, terrible thing to be unkind to oneself. So it will stop now. I will no longer be unkind to myself. When I notice myself going there, I will put my hand on my heart and give myself some compassion. I deserve kindness. You deserve kindness. We all do. Every single one of us, no matter what. I will not tolerate unkindness anymore. From myself or anyone else. I will do everything I can to remove unkind people from my life. I notice that sometimes unkindness is how people try to gain power over others. Sometimes my need to seek approval and kindess from these people overpowers my ability to receive kindness from those who give it to me regularly. No longer. I also will do my very best to be my kindest self possible. Have no assumptions, be open and be as kind as I can.
2. Patience and Calm: I find that, I often feel a sense of panic when multiple things are happening simultaneously. I might even end up putting my focus on the wrong thing and stress the situation further. I like getting things done, but I like feeling calm more than feeling accomplished. I want to work on my patience and calm. Patience with myself and my kids, my loved ones, strangers, friends, work mates. Not jumping the gun, not yelling, not assuming. Being patient and open and calm. Knowing, and truly believing, that things will work out. Because, honestly, almost always they do. And when they don’t being impatient doesn’t help.
3. Being Completely Present: The word savor has been good to me. Between that and the mindfulness classes/talks I’ve experienced, I feel confident that life, fulness, joy are all in this moment. I want to be present. With myself, with my kids, work, marriage. All of life. I want to soak it all up. Right now. I don’t want worries, stresses, even potential joys of the future to get in the way. I want to soak in this very moment. I want to fully live it. Bathe in it. I want to notice all the colors, sounds, textures. Every little thing. I deeply believe that life will feel much less challenging and work out more smoothly if I can embrace this mindset. I will bring back my gratitude practice. I’ve been slacking. But no longer.
Last night, David and I used a wonderfully liberating ritual I learned in the Brave Girls’ Body Restoration class. It made a significant shift for him. It has to do with writing a letter and then burying it. Today, I plan to write a letter to my 37-year-old self. I want to bid all of my past a good-bye. I have no doubt the lessons will always stay with me but I’d like to unload as much of the burden from the past as I can. I’d like to wake up tomorrow knowing that the labels I have been carrying are gone and I get to create new ones. Good or bad.
So here’s to hoping thirty-eight is a great year. I’m grateful that I get to be here.
