karenika

Not Enough

Last year, around this time, I wrote a guest blog post for Tracey Clark’s I am enough series. Two weeks ago, when I was stressing about all our routines changing, schools starting, work getting more hectic, I was thinking about this post. And all the other posts on my blog. Daily posts where I try to capture my family. My gratitude. Where I try to remember what’s good. Where I make myself pay attention to things I’d otherwise take for granted.

I was thinking about all this because on the Tuesday after labor day, I definitely didn’t feel enough.

No it’s not just that: I felt broken in every way.

I felt like I wasn’t enough of a mom to my kids and that my older one was acting up a bit more than I’d like and I didn’t have the tools to nip it in the bud as elegantly as I would have liked so I reprimanded him more often and more harshly than he deserved. Even as I saw it wouldn’t be effective long term.

I felt paralyzed with fear that my little one wouldn’t take to school and would just cry and cry. And that it would never ever work out.

I felt that the lunches I prepared were inadequate. Bland.

I felt stupid that I had to drag my husband along because I wasn’t sure I could figure out the new schools’ routines and drop off/pickup systems on my own. Or that I just needed him for inexplicable reasons.

I felt not enough at work when I kept asking stupid questions I should have known the answers to. When I was “discussing” things with some engineers and I had to put my foot down even as I was unsure of why. I felt like I was fighting a battle I was told to go into but when I got there I was alone. I was sinking. I was going to fail and take everyone down with me.

I felt I would never be able to find my way out.

I would never be good enough. I would never know, understand, do as well as some of my peers. I would never be the mom that had it all figured out. I could never be the wife who wasn’t unnecessarily needy.

I could go on and on. I felt like a failure and inadequate in all areas of my life. I couldn’t see any light. It was dark, dark, dark.

I was failing everything and everyone I ever cared about.

And I couldn’t see it getting better. Ever.

The day passed. But the feeling didn’t go away for a while. Even as I slowly figured things out, it dulled but it didn’t go away. It took several “better” days to squash the pain back and I know it’s there to rear its head when it finds me weak again.

I want you to know that I think it’s normal to have these days. Sometimes we feel it’s all dark. When I feel this way, I don’t even try to make sense of it anymore. I know these days come. No matter what Jake says to placate me, to show his love, I am not listening. I am not rational. It’s not about logic. It’s about losing all sense of logic.

For me, the best thing is to let myself feel it. Give Jake and others I love heads up and let them be there for me. Let them forgive me. Let them give me some space so I can slowly forgive myself, too. And make space to heal.

Because you know what? The good days always come, too. For most of us, these terrible days are rare. (Just like the euphoric ones.) And I think letting them take their course is much easier than fighting them.

That’s what I remind myself each time one of them comes to visit me. We all feel not-enough. We all strive to be loved. To be enough. To be wanted, loved, cared for. To matter. I think that’s a human need: to matter.

And we all *are* enough. Just the way we are. I truly believe that. We each have our own individual gifts in the world. Our own magic.

I think the trick is to not give in to those black days that try hide the truth and to pay attention to the millions of little extraordinary things in our life that clearly show how lucky we are. How we are enough in so many ways that matter.

Weekly Art Journal – Weeklong for August 22

This weeklong page was originally inspired by this sweet piece of art. Isn’t it lovely?

This week I kept it simple cause it was already so colorful.

here’s the left page:

And the right side:

And here’s the filled page:

I love this one, too.

Weekly Art Journal is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here. And you can find out more about the weeklong daily journaling here.

Daily Diary – September 19 2011

I am over-tired today so I will keep this short. Today was school for the kids and work work work for me. I tried to snap some photos of the little boy.

Who wanted to look at my sketch instead.

but I got some anyway.

And David was wrapped up in his blanket that his grandma made for him and spent time looking at ideas on the computer.

I am so tired so I will keep this brief, more tomorrow, I promise.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that Jake’s back safe and sound.
2. I am grateful that despite the crazy, work appears to be under control. We’ll know more tomorrow.
3. I am grateful that both the kids seem to really be enjoying school.

Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I played with my new legos. * {his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I played four square with my friends at school.
3. I am grateful that I got some computer-time.

I am so happy to see you express and show and share your thoughts

I had the honor of being the September guest designer Jenni Bowlin’s kit club. Here’s one of the layouts I made:

Journaling Reads:
My wonderful boy, in the last couple of weeks you’ve really started to express your thoughts and tell me about them and you share your ideas, wishes (and sometimes demands.) Today, you found this little game piece and said “choo choo” while pointing to it. I love to hear you talk but even more I love to know what you’re thinking, I love you so much.

And some details:

I used the template in the kit to ink a tag and create the photo corners.

Daily Diary – September 18 2011

And like always the weekend is gone before you can blink. A more hectic but still ok day here today. I managed to do my art and most of my todo list items. Though I still have a few but my inlaws were here all day so today was about family time.

The boys were very happy to have them here.

Especially cause they came with sweet presents.

Here’s Nathaniel waiting patiently for his grandma to read the directions on his new truck.

And David reading one of his new books.

Nathaniel playing with the crochet yarn. It’s his favorite thing to do.

He likes to play with them all, unwind them all over.

And now the kids are sleeping, my inlaws are back in their hotel and I am savoring the last few hours of my precious weekend. I am so wiped and exhausted that I doubt I will be productive but that’s ok. Sometimes it’s best to just veg and then go to sleep. I hope your weekend was wonderful and peaceful.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that the kids had a lot of quality family time today. We went to David’s school and they played on the playground for a long time and laughed and laughed, it was lovely.
2. I am grateful that Jake’s coming home tonight.
3. I am grateful that even though this weekend was fuller than I prefer, I still got stuff done and I feel content and peaceful about it. (Though, of course, I still wish I had another day off!)

Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got a new lego set. * {his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that we got some books at the book fair.
3. I am grateful that I got a nighttime diary.

Reading with David – Much Ado About Aldo

David says:
I gave this story five stars because I liked that Aldo didn’t like to eat animals and became a vegetarian. It was nice that Mrs. Sossi made special lunches for Aldo because he didn’t eat meat.

I didn’t like the part where the chameleon ate the cricket. I thought it was funny that the missing cat was in the drawer all along and I liked how Aldo used that as an idea of how to save the crickets. It was funny when the girl put her hand in the bottom drawer where the chameleons were and screamed. But I liked that the principal listened to Aldo’s story and understood how he felt and was kind.

My favorite part was when the teacher said she was ready to be done with the project and that they could release the crickets to the wild in the warmer weather. I thought it was funny that Aldo asked for more marshmallows.

Reading a book a week with my six-year-old son David is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.

Art Journaling – Strathmore – Too Proud

Here’s the next page:

This one was a nightmare and I almost gave up. I finally gesso’ed all over the page and started over. I put several coats of gesso.

The full text reads: Never be too proud to say I’m sorry.

Here are some details from the page:

My final page in the Strathmore book. Wednesday, I will make a post with all the pages so you can see them spread out.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for July and August (and maybe longer). You can read more about it and the book I am using for these pages at the top of this blog post.

Daily Diary – September 17 2011

It’s been a lovely Saturday over here. We started our day with sleeping in. Which means I woke up at 7am instead of 5:30. And then some exercise and shower and we were off to David’s swim class. After that we went and bought some fruit for the house and I was already wiped and cranky and wanted to spend the rest of my day in bed. So I read my book for a bit (and finished it) and then wanted to crawl into bed.

But instead, I did some art while the kids played and then Nathaniel napped and David played Wii and I did more art. Then Nathaniel woke up and I snapped some shots of my sweet boy.

Saying “hat” and you can see a bunch of his lunch on his sleeve.

I love this boy to bits.

And those huge huge eyes.

Then we went out to dinner with Jake’s parents and ended up at the bookstore where the kids played for a good hour. By the time we got home, it was a good hour past bedtime so I rushed the kids to bed and realized I’d forgotten to take shots of David so we ran downstairs and I snapped one.

He said he wanted to be goofy.

But I got a laugh anyway.

Nathaniel is already down and David’s going to sleep in minutes. My plan for tonight is to try and bind my second art journal if I think I can and then maybe maybe do a layout but I am guessing that won’t happen and I will just crawl in bed with my book instead. But I did ok today so I don’t feel bad about not getting the layout done. Tomorrow’s plans are all about Jake’s parents and the kids so we’ll see what I get done, if anything. But it’s ok, some days are like that.

Off to do more art. I hope your day was absolutely wonderful.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I did a few pages in my weeklong journal, I seem to put it off a lot lately so it was nice to give it some attention.
2. I am grateful that I feel caught up in Karen’s class. I did my vision board last night and it made me really happy.
3. I am grateful that Nathaniel is loving school. I got there a few minutes early today and he was sitting quietly and listening to the music teacher. He was so so cute. And I feel so blessed that he loves it.

Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we went out to dinner. * {his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that we went to the bookstore.
3. I am grateful that I had a Madeline cookie.

Us Right Now – September 17

jake
This was a short but stressful week for Jake. He had a trip coming up on Thursday and he hadn’t been able to get a lot of work done the week before since he was home with me so he worked hard and tried to make sure all the little loose ends were tied up, clients were taken care of, etc., etc. But I think overall it was a good week for him and now he’s in Vermont with some wonderful childhood friends at a wedding. He also got to see his brother and a good friend in Boston so the week is ending well for him and hopefully he will be home safe and sound tomorrow because we all miss him a lot already.

karen
Another long week for me. Just working very hard and getting up really early to exercise and start my day before the kids wake up and the morning rush sets in. I feel like I almost got our new routine down. With Jake out of town towards the end of the week it was a little more stressful than usual but I managed to get it all done and still do my work and everything else. As I expected, we’re getting into the groove of the new routines and I expect by the end of September things will be considerably better. Or so I hope.

david
David is still enjoying school a lot. He loves the library and science and math. He does seem to have a few friends so far but no super-close friends. The good news is that he comes home happy every day and none of the deep sadness from last year is there just yet. I am hoping it stays this way and that he makes a few good friends and enjoys his new school thoroughly.

nathaniel
Nathaniel is loving school, too. He doesn’t even say goodbye when I drop him off and is very sad when he sees me come to pick him up. He’s become considerably more demanding but also super-cute so we all try to put up with him as much as we can because we all love him so very much.

Us Right Now is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.

Daily Diary – September 16 2011

Happy Friday!! I am very glad to have reached the end of this week. It was another long one for me and I have a few more like this for a while. Today both kids went to school and I worked worked worked while they were off. Then I got Nathaniel and he napped and I worked some more. Then we went to get David and I wanted to snap some photos when we got back so I asked Nathaniel to smile for me. But he did this.

Then he looked at me and did it again.

I said “You can’t have food unless you give me a smile.” So I got this.

“Smile!” I said. So then I got this.

And then this. He was getting impatient and photos were getting blurrier so I gave up and let him have his food.

His brother was much more accommodating of course.

I just adore his eyes especially when he’s wearing a black shirt.

I am so ready for the weekend. I still have a bunch of todos like taking David to swim class, shopping for groceries and a visit from my inlaws. I have art journaling and layouts to make. Posts to write up. Etc. etc. But I still feel like I will have a lot of rest this weekend. So let’s bring it on!

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I made it through week number two of fall. I do feel like maybe we’re finally getting into a routine so I am feeling more settled as I’d hoped to by now.
2. I am grateful that I feel caught up in Karen’s class. I did my vision board last night and it made me really happy.
3. I am grateful that Nathaniel is loving school. I got there a few minutes early today and he was sitting quietly and listening to the music teacher. He was so so cute. And I feel so blessed that he loves it.

Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful I played which number will win at school with Tobias. * {his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I finished my lego book.
3. I am grateful that I am reading my I want to be a Jedi book.

Healthy For Life – Week 37

Another little bit of loss this week. Not amazing but not bad. After weeks of going nowhere or gaining weight I am glad for any loss. Though I will admit that I am likely not going to make my goal this year but that’s ok. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I am much fitter and can walk, run, hike much farther than I ever have in my life. So that’s big.

Now that we’re back to school, I am getting up at 5:30 to exercise. I just prefer to get it done with before the hustle and bustle of breakfast and packing lunches starts. It’s hard but also nice to do it while the whole house is sleeping and quiet. I’ve completely stopped doing my situps and leg lifts for weeks now but I will restart. I just have been feeling too lazy. I am, however, still doing the incline on the treadmill.

Food’s been okay, too. I am still off the graham crackers and coffee. Still eating mostly whole foods. I’ve been eating chocolate and snacking a bit more than usual. Nothing horrible but also not that great. I just need to not wait until I am too hungry. Sometimes I get caught up in what I am doing and forget to eat and then I get famished and eat all the wrong things. But it’s all a work in progress.

and here’s this week’s card: