The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
I’m a fan of Karen Walrond and have been reading her blog for quite some time. She’s recently started answering anonymous (or not) questions on formspring. Here’s a recent question and her answer that really spoke to me:
What is the most frustrating thing about being photographer for you?
The most frustrating thing about being a photographer is that people rarely see their own beauty when you take their picture of them — they’re far quicker to zero in on the mole or the laughlines they hate than the fact that they just have a great face, or a warm smile. I shot a wedding for someone as a gift once, and even though she was radiant, when she saw the final pictures, all she saw was that she hadn’t lost the weight she’d wanted to before her wedding. I still haven’t put together the album as a result!
This is something that I really struggle with all the time. I can tell you a million reasons why I dislike the way I look. Some of them will be about cruel friends during my formative years, others might mention dieting since I was twelve, but the fact is, there’s no excuse for me to feel the way I feel except that I keep perpetuating ideas that other people put in my head. Or maybe they didn’t even do that and I just chose to believe it for so many years. Nonetheless, I loathe to have my picture taken so much that two years ago, when we first started creative therapy here’s the art I made for the very first catalyst which was about “something you lost.”
Here’s the journaling:
I am the girl behind the camera. I am the one who takes photos I capture the moments I preserve the memories. There was a time when I was in front of the lens. When I let people take my photo, but now when I see a photo of me I cringe. I see all the flaws all the fat all the ugliness. I lost the ability to see myself clearly. I can’t remember what it felt like to look at the photo and see me. I miss that.
Every word of that is so true. Over the years I’ve made so many attempts at making peace with seeing myself in photos. For the longest time, it was a “I need this to feel good about myself” thing.
But now that I’m a scrapbooker and our family’s “memory preserver” I realize that having photos of me is not just about feeling better about myself. It’s so much more than that. Imagine if (God forbid!) something happens to my mom and there are only a handful photos of her and they are many years apart? I would be devastated. To me, every single photo of my mother is breathtaking. It’s not about whether her makeup is perfect or every stand of hair is in the right place, it’s about my mother. How she looked over the years, how much her soul shines through each photo, how much I cherish her smile, the glimmer in her eyes. How I can almost hear her when I see the photo. Almost smell her, even. I love looking at photos of my mom from her childhood, her youth, from all the years when we were kids, teenagers, married and everything in between. Who am I to deny that to my own kids?
When I look at a photo of myself, it’s true that I always see my huge, crooked nose. My uneven and thick eyebrows. My funny smile and messed up hair. I see all the blotches. I see everything wrong. But if I look deep down, I know that it’s important to document this, too. These stages of my life. Of our life. I know that even I will cherish having these photos years from now.
In the spirit of taking a solid step forward, I asked my husband to take photos of me and our youngest today:
Yep, I still cringe a lot when I look at that. I think that it will be a while before that goes away (if ever.) but I’m no longer letting that stop me from taking these photos. I was here, I existed and these photos are proof of my life and my stories. As someone who believes in documenting life, I cannot leave such a big hole in mine.
So, my challenge to you today is to get a photo of yourself. Hand over the camera to someone else. Put it on a table with a self-timer. Find a reflective surface. Do whatever you need to do to snap that shot. You are worth it. And I promise it will be good for your soul.
So here’s a little sneak of what ended up being my totally random side project for the weekend for no reason. I will be crossing off one of the items in my 52 Things list eventually so I spose it’s not so bad. I also signed up for a new workshop. I seem to be all into embroidery lately so it seemed awfully fitting.
Other than my little project, I got nothing done today. I read maybe 10 pages of my book before I fell asleep. I played with my kids. We went to the park. We watched TV. That’s about it. Unproductive but relaxing.
I love that little piece of hair sticking up. It makes me think of Tintin and it makes me want to hug him nonstop.
And here are two Jake took of us. I absolutely hate the way I look of course but I love that it’s a photo of the two of us. (More on this coming tomorrow for my WG post.)
I love love love this boy. I can never get enough of that baby smell and I can never kiss him enough.
Long weekend gone. But it’s a short week and I am not on release this week. Yey!
Thank you for your kind wishes and thoughts. My grandmother is still in ICU and in critical condition. I am thinking of her nonstop.
Note to Self:
I follow a few people on formspring and one of the questions I read today was about confidence. The person who replied said that she thinks “confidence means being really comfortable in your own skin” and I totally agree. This is something I’ve been striving for, for as long as I can remember. Feeling good about who I am. Not that I don’t want to improve or that I don’t get worried now and then but to have a general good sense about myself and to feel good in my own skin is definitely a major goal of mine. Not exactly sure how to achieve it. What are the steps to this kind of a goal?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I’m grateful that I’ve had a low-key weekend. Sometimes it’s good to do something completely random and not on my list.
2. I am grateful that the days are getting longer. I love that and the warmer weather.
3. I am grateful for markers and coloring books. David loves them so much, he can color for hours and hours. It’s amazing to watch and I love the quiet time.
Since it was David’s birthday last weekend, I thought it would be fun to make him do his own thank-you cards.
We picked three different colored papers form my leftovers stash. Grabbed the Martha Stewart butterfly punch and punched a bunch of hearts out of each. I then cut some heavyweight 8.5×11 paper to create the cards.
I wrote the inside of the cards, thanking them for the specific gift. I kept it short since I knew David would take up a lot of room writing the names.
David then wrote the names of the kids on top.
And his name on the bottom of each card.
When he messed up, we just went with it. Then, we grabbed some stamp and ink:
And we stamped the front of the cards. Some crooked, some less.
He then put glue dots and put one of each color butterfly on the cover. And ruffled up the wings.
And here we are:
Very flawed but 100% authentic. Love them!
Happy Birthday Yona!!! I love love love love you so so so much!! So much!
Today was promising to be a quiet and relaxing day until I decided to work on a new project for no reason at all. And now I have a whole bunch more stuff to do before tomorrow is out. Oh well. That’s how my life seems to go.
This is the face Nathaniel makes at me when he wants attention and I am not giving him any. Or enough.
We took a little walk around the neighborhood today. And I snapped photos of my boys because I love them so much. The one with the blue eyes.
He was pushing around his little brother. Who was enjoying it thoroughly.
And here are all three of my boys. They are my life.
I got some really sad news today. My grandmother had a heart attack and is in the hospital in intensive care. If you believe in that sort of thing, please say a prayer for her. I love her so much and I wish I were there, holding her hand right now. I love you, Omama.
Note to Self:
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day. Not sure why. It’s not a holiday we had in Turkey so I didn’t grow up with it but I feel like if I had it as a teenager, I would have always felt nervous and scared on Valentine’s day. Just another way to see how rejected I was. I think it’s meant to celebrate love but instead, it emphasizes the difference between those who have and those who don’t. And who needs a reminder of that? Maybe it’s too negative but I just feel like it’s an unnecessary holiday. If you’re lucky enough to love and be loved, cherish that every day. If you aren’t, don’t focus on it and live your life to the fullest and love will find you in due time. We don’t need flowers, chocolate or cards to remind us of that. I know, it’s weird how I feel about this holiday.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for my sewing machine today, I’ve used it a lot tonight and love it. I am thankful for the hours of joy it gives me.
2. I am grateful that my family is honest with me and despite the fact that they know I will worry, they tell me the truth about what’s going on there and how sick my grandmother is. I have a tendency to think the very worst so knowing I can count on them to tell me and to tell me the truth makes it easier for me to stop my imagination from wandering.
3. I am grateful for Skype again today. I talked to my sister, my mother-in-law (and brother and sister in law and niece and father in law), and my mother today. All through Skype. So thankful for technology and high speed internet.
This was done with the December A Million Memories Kit.
Here’s the journaling:
Most kids are loved and adored by their parents. But you, my son, have the added joy of being loved and adored by your big brother. It’s a big privilege.
I love them even when they are dead. Look at that velvety texture and deep color. How could you not love them?
Today was a good errand day. We finally switched David to a booster seat and moved Nathaniel up to the bigger car seat. We got both in Jake’s car, too so now we can use either car. Yey. That alone would have been a big deal but then we had our appointment with the accountant (using one for the first time this year.) and that made me feel good, too. Then I came home, put the kids down and did two catalysts. More yey. I am also almost caught up on my email. Almost.
Here are two shots of the little one from today.
Loved them both, couldn’t decide.
I am trying to a few more small things and then I will have to go sleep because I’m still waking up at 3:30am thanks to the little one so it’s been pretty painful not getting any sleep. I’m sure the 9pm coffee isn’t helping either.
Note to Self:
I was reading the Simple Abundance book yesterday and it was talking about how when I was ten was the last time I probably trusted my own instincts. Without worrying about my mom, sister, friends, etc. That’s when I had my own opinions, she says. I don’t really remember much about being ten. I do remember feeling ostracized pretty early on so ten might have been too late for me already. But I do love the idea of having my own instincts. Not hearing anyone else’s words in my head. Not listening to criticism inside or out (and the one inside is always louder for me.) Just going on a journey to find my own instincts. I love that idea. I wonder if I could still do it or if it’s too late?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we have a free service at the Stanford hospital right by us that installs car seats for us. They make sure it’s installed correctly and that’s a big load off my mind.
2. I am grateful that we have an accountant this year and we will not be arguing about the taxes being done on time.
3. I am grateful that it’s a 3-day weekend and that even though I already feel productive, I have two more days to get things done or to just sleep or to read my book.
I didn’t intend to do this one, this week. But, as always, the incredible Rebecca inspired me with her heart sessions so I thought this would be as good a week as any to do some stitching. So I did:
10. Sew everyday for a week
I thought this would be as good an opportunity as any to learn to do some hand-stitching. I’ve never done that before so I used these amazing tutorials.
On Saturday, I did this to practice my French Knots:
On Sunday, I did this to practice the chain-stitch (hard to see in the photo, sorry!) and putting beads.
On Monday, I learned how to do a blanket stitch.
Tuesday was too stressful so I did something simple and you can’t see it but there are two beads on the button holes.
Wednesday, I wanted to learn how to do the buttonhole wheels so I made one with the hear and then added some beads to the other one.
Thursday, I just had fun. Yes they are all over the place and crooked but I still love them.
And Friday, I grabbed some of my favorite fabric and just had fun. I didn’t stress about how the fabrics don’t line up on top of each other. I was wiped from a long long week.
And here they all are:
During this super-stressful week, these little hearts were the only few minutes I took for myself everyday. They are simple but I still love them.
Thank you, again, Rebecca, for the inspiration.
This was a long week. Definitely one of the longest since I’ve started my job three years ago. There was too much uncertainty. Too much going on at the same time. I was learning a lot and all remotely while the kids were at home and needed my attention, too. It was hard. But the release did happen and as soon as we confirmed that things were ok, I took both the kids and we went to a local bakery to celebrate. We needed to get out of the house and I needed some good food and some chocolate and I wanted David to get anything his heart desired as he was so incredible all week. He not only was quiet when I asked him to be but he also helped with Nathaniel the whole time. He’s my angel.
So is this one.
When we got there, David got to have a big chocolate cake all by himself. And mango juice and I ate a warm sandwich.
Even Nathaniel got to gorge on puffs after he had his dinner.
After that hour, we were all happy with tummies full of yummy food. We came back home, played some and they all went to bed and I am sitting here and enjoying my TV. This three-day weekend will be nothing but rest, art, family, and relaxing.
May you have a fantastic one.
Note to Self:
Sometimes when you think nothing’s going right, things just come together magically. Have faith in those moments. Have faith in life. Things have a way of working out. This happened to me twice this week. Once for work, once for a magical trip that looks like it might be happening…I need to have more faith.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. The release. I can’t believe it actually did happen.
2. My son. Both my sons. But especially proud of David this week.
3. I am grateful for chocolate and its ability to make me feel happy. Chocolate and coffee. Life is not the same without them.
The journaling reads:
When I was a little girl, one of my favorite things to do when I needed to relax was to take a bubble bath. I would fill up the tub, get a bowl of my favortie fruits, some music I loved, and a book and just dive into the bubbles.
I could easily spend hours in a bubble bath. It’s something that calms my soul and relaxes my body. It’s like the warm water and the soft bubbles take away my frustrations and worries and leave me with nothing but calm peace.
When I lived in Japan, many years ago, the apartment I stayed in had a deep and wide tub where you got to punch in a number for the temperature of the water and the tub did all the rest. It ensure the water stayed at that temperature for the duration of my bath. It was the greatest tub ever and I took more baths during those six months than I can ever remember. And when we moved to Palo Alto, our house had no bathtubs which made me realize how much I really craved one.
Now, we live in a house where I get to have a wonderful tub and I get to experience the joy and relaxation all over again.
Early Valentine’s flowers from my wonderful hubby. Stunning roses.
The crazy week continues. Amazingly stressful and unproductive this week. Oh well, just one more day. And then we get a 3-day weekend. This time, I could really use it. Nathaniel is still waking up at night and we’re trying to get him to sleep more so it’s a lot of short nights for me on top of the crazy stress. fun fun.
Here’s my boy with the stunning eyes and the amazing soul.
And the little wiggly one who puts everything in his mouth.
We found David’s DVD player yesterday and he’s been watching a They Might Be Giants music video about science that his uncle gave him for his birthday. Nathaniel walked over to him to check it out today too. David is so kind, so generous, he didn’t mind it one bit. He even gave his brother a kiss.
Joy.
Note to Self:
I’ve been listening to this book about new studies around child rearing and one of the topics they discuss is on lying. And they talk about how parents admonish their kids for lying and yet tell them to “not be rude” when it comes to social lying. For example if someone gives them a gift they don’t like and they say they don’t like it, it’s rude and they are supposed to say “Thank you, it’s great” or whatever. Yet, this is lying, too. Cordial or not. This made me think a lot. Lying is lying. Especially for kids who don’t really understand shades of gray so well. So what’s the trick? How do we teach them not to lie but not to be rude or hurt someone’s feelings? Maybe just thank people and not tell them whether they liked it or not? Even if they receive a gift they don’t like, it’s still generous of the giver to gift. So maybe focus on that?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A get together that I thought was falling through might actually be happening. I’m delighted about the possibility.
2. My beautiful roses. I am not even a fan of roses but these make me happy.
3. Warm dinner bought, made, and served by my awesome husband.
This week’s download is some circular days of the week. Here is what they look like:
You can download it here: circular days of the week download.
You are welcome to play with these as much as you want and use them anywhere you’d like. You are NOT allowed to sell them ever. You don’t have to but I’d appreciate a link back if you do use them.
This is part of a weekly digital download series. They are posted every Thursday. You can find all of the ones that were posted here. If you like my downloads, please click here and give me ideas/requests for 2010. I would like to continue this feature but I am not sure I can come up with enough ideas on my own.
The first book I’ve read by Anne Lamott was the amazing Bird by Bird back when I used to write novels. Years and years ago. I then read Operating Instructions which is about her first year with her son, Sam. I was hooked when I read the writing book but I was dedicated once I finished the motherhood one. Anne’s voice speaks directly to me. There’s something magical about her.
Even though I’d read Traveling Mercies and Plan B, I never even heard about Grace Eventually until a few weeks ago when I saw it on some blog I was reading. It took me only a few seconds to buy it (which is a big deal cause I don’t buy books anymore. Almost ever.) But I knew I’d want to own this book. I love her and I can read her stuff over and over again.
This was no exception. I felt like underlining every page, there was so much pithy stuff in it. So much of what spoke to me. I’m not even religious but it spoke to me. She has a way with words. She’s honest and raw and so easy to relate to even though our lives are as different as can be. I like her fiction, too, but her non-fiction is gold. True gold.
Here’s a short passage:
That’s me, trying to make any progress at all with family, in work, relationships, self-image: scootch, scootch, stall; scootch, stall, catastrophic reversal; bog, bog, scootch. I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra, kinds of things; also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace’s arrival. But, no, it’s clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in silence, in the dark.
If you’ve never read Anne Lamott, you’re truly missing out.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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