I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’ve begun using the Life Organizer book each week. I sit every Sunday night and journal on that week’s questions. While most of the questions vary, there are a few prompts that are the same each time. These are: intention, let go of, have to, and could do.
I’ve talked about setting intentions a fewtimes recently, but I haven’t really mentioned the others much. My feeling is that if you can only do one thing each week, setting an intention for the week is the best place to start. It allows you to start your week with a particular mindset, perspective and a focused awareness.
But assuming you’re willing to stretch a bit (or if setting intentions doesn’t do it for you) I think the next great one to tackle is “let go of.” I love the idea of letting go of something each week. I feel like we all carry so much baggage. And I feel that’s what gets in the way of most of our being in the present moment and our worries and anxiety. I have ideas around who I can be in the world. I have ideas around what I am capable of and what my limits are. Around how likable and worthy I am. Around what others think of me. The list goes on and on.
Each of these things seem like great opinions to revisit and see if I can let them go.
But even tiny things are worthy of this level of questioning. For example, this past weekend was fuller than usual for me and I ended up not being able to rest as much as I would have liked. On sunday night, I noticed that I was carrying around the aggravation of having this weekend cut short. The frustration of not being able to go through my todo list. And the unease of having to start a week without feeling fully fresh.
Ordinarily, these would nag at me and taint my week, but because I was doing my journaling last night and came upon the “let go of” prompt, I thought about it and decided letting the frustration and unease go would create the space for me to start the week without baggage and would give me week a chance to be successful and delightful. (Or at least it wouldn’t start the week grumpy.)
Had I not committed to doing the prompts, I probably would have carried it over for a few days (or even longer) before I realized the damage it was causing.
Now that I think of it, for me, letting something go is the opposite of setting intentions. When I set my intentions, they are often to welcome something new into my week. A new level of awareness, openness, or presence. And when I am letting things go, I am saying goodbye to a particular feeling, way of thinking or behavior. So they go hand in hand: inviting something new and giving up something old.
I like the idea of doing both.
When was the last time you invited something new and/or let go of something?
If you read here with any regularity, you know that I worry a lot. I tend be on the anxious side and this is one of the things I want to work on because I find that anxiety can be contagious and it’s also, for the most part, a wasted emotion. It doesn’t put me in the most resonant space.
One of the aspects of anxiety I’ve been focusing on lately is getting clear with what really matters to me. What’s important to me. And, just as significantly, what’s not important to me. One of the reasons this matters is that I feel more anxiety when I worry about being judged by others. This is aggravated when I’m already judging myself, too. I find that this happens more in areas where I am not clear about what matters to me and what doesn’t. (Or when I am not behaving in a way that’s aligned with what does matter to me.)
If I am really clear, other people’s opinions will not affect me. For example, I am clear that giving my kids the choice of what to wear (assuming a basic level of cleanliness) is more important to me than worrying about whether my kids’ clothes match. At the age they are, it’s one of the areas they get to express individuality and exercise choice. So when other parents judge me about what my kids are wearing and how it might not match, I couldn’t care less.
I am also clear that I need to spend time alone each day. Doing something that fills my soul. Art, reading, writing, whatever. If others judge that I am not spending this time with my kids, I don’t feel any guilt about this. I am clear that I need time with my husband alone. I am clear that I like to be with my kids at home and willing to take the impact of that on my career. None of these are judgements of what others should be doing with their life or kids. It’s just areas where I am clear about what matters to me so I don’t tend to feel anxiety around them.
But then there are other areas where I am less clear. Like how much and what kind of extracurriculars my kids should do. The importance and relevance of play dates (vs the cost of time and effort it will take us to make them all work.) The cost of a new task I might undertake (like coaching) on my family vs the personal rewards. The value of particular types of vacation over others. The list does go on for personal stuff, family stuff, career stuff, etc. etc. When I am not sure what I value, other people’s opinions get in the way of my thinking clearly. I overvalue their judgements. I start worrying, feeling small and inadequate.
This doesn’t mean they are right. It means that this is an area where I have to think more and get clear on where I stand. Because here’s the thing: no one knows what’s right. No one. No. one.
We all just have our own opinions, beliefs and perspectives. They are affected by our past, our values, our community and more. We might think they are “right” or “wrong” but that doesn’t make them facts. So, the trick here is to figure out what matters to me. What’s important to me about this particular topic? What do I want to honor here?
Once I figure that out, I believe the rest is easy.
Since I am trying to lower anxiety and worry, I think one of the next steps here for me is to write down each time I find myself worrying about things. Each time I am questioning myself or wavering. Then I stop and really get clear on what matters to me.
As an added bonus, this will also allow me to honor my personal intention this month of being me.
Today I’m thinking about triggers. When I read a post, what does it trigger in me that causes me to connect with it or have a negative reaction towards it. When I find myself panicking, what does it really mean, what deeper worry/anxiety is triggering the panic? When I yell at my kids or my husband or myself, what’s really being triggered? When I get mad at someone’s words or react disproportionally to something I hear/read, what’s that really about?
It’s rare that a quick reaction is about what just happened. One of the main aspects of coaching is figuring out what we call the big-A agenda. (as in agenda vs Agenda) The client might come to you with a topic that they think is what’s on their mind but when you dig and ask questions, you often realize there’s something much bigger and more fundamental underneath. And it’s only when you uncover that, look at it head on, that a true shift becomes possible. When you don’t know what it’s really about, you’re only changing it at the surface and that’s rarely sustainable.
That’s why knowing my triggers is important to me. It allows me to step back and see what’s underneath this reaction. When I make a mistake at work, my panic is about feeling like I don’t belong or that I can’t do my job well. If I can step back and realize that the one mess-up doesn’t actually generalize in that way, I can take this one instance as what it is: one instance of a mistake. I am human, no matter what, I am likely to make mistakes. When my sense of belonging and worthiness is solid, I can shake off the mistake as a one-off. But when I am on shaky ground internally, each mistake is really feeding a much deeper feeling underneath. It’s yet another example of how I don’t belong. This means that until I fix the foundation of belonging, each mistake will trigger. And the issue to tackle is the worthiness, not the particular mistake and how to fix that.
The same goes for my kids. For example, last year, my son would regularly forget his jacket at school. Each time, we would get in the car, drive back to the school and pick it up. The whole drive there I would be screaming and frustrated and just not even seeing clearly. It was such an insane routine that I am sure most of the teachers thought I was crazy. Many of the other boys in the class forgot/lost their jackets all the time. Most likely, my son was truly just being absentminded. He, unfortunately, loses and misplaces and forgets stuff a lot. (And, to be honest, so did I at his age.) But once I was able to step back and reassess the trigger, I noticed that, to me, this jacket had become a symbol of his lack of respect. If he knew that things cost money, he’d treat them with more care and would surely not lose them. Did he think jackets were just free? Why was he not paying attention to the value of the things he owned? There are many ways I spend a lot of money on things and don’t mind but there’s something about waste that’s a genuine trigger for me. I don’t like to throw away food. I don’t like to buy something and then not use it. So, to me, the way he kept forgetting his jacket felt like he didn’t care. He didn’t bother. He was being disrespectful and wasteful. As soon as I realized what it was about, I could think of many other ways to instill this value in him. I could sit down and explain it to him. And it stopped being about the jacket.
We recently visited this with doing homework, too. Handling things with care and self-respect. Writing in his best handwriting. Not bending the edges of his papers. Just respecting his things and giving them the attention they deserve. I know he’s just a kid and this will take time, but now that I know what matters to me and what value it was stepping on, I can work on it with him and create a shift in both me and him.
While I would ideally love to get to a place where I never ‘trigger’ on anything, and while I’d love to be responding and not reacting, I know that I have a long way to go on all that. And as I work on that, I am also trying to take the time to learn from my triggers. Which is a much more productive way to approach my “mistakes” than punishing myself for not being perfect (or even as good as I’d like to be.)
This way, I might be able to learn from my mistakes and make different ones next time.
As I was taling to a client a few weeks ago, we drew the distinction between liking something, being good at something, and being fulfilled by something. I think sometimes we collapse all these different things and, in my opinion, while certain activities might fall into all of these categories, they are each distinct categories. And I think differentiating them is important and valuable.
There are things that I am good at, like fixing computer problems, that I used to maybe like but I don’t as much anymore and I, similarly, don’t feel fulfilled by as much anymore. There are also things that I am very fulfilled by but am not very good at just yet, like lettering or sketching. There are things that I like but am not very fulfilled by like watching TV. And then there are things I like, am good at, and get fulfilled by, like reading or learning.
More and more, I am growing to realize that if an activity is not fulfilling, that means I cannot sustain it. Something that I like eventually wanes over time. Or it might morph. For example, I used to do a lot of layouts. For me, it was a way to tell our stories and I was getting a lot of fulfillment out of it. But lately, the savor project and the blog is covering a lot of that for me and I don’t feel compelled to create as many layouts as I used to. Maybe part of it was also finding my own style and playing with supplies and once it all settled down, there was less learning involved and I wasn’t as interested anymore. Not sure exactly what happened but I do know, at this moment, it’s less fulfilling than it used to be. (Even though I still like making pages and can be ‘good’ at it depending how you define being good at something like that.)
I think this is also why it’s important to remember the “purpose” or “value” behind the things we do. Sometimes the activity itself might not be as enjoyable but it’s so very fulfilling afterwards. Just like when you’re learning something new, the process can be slow-moving and painful and not always enjoyable. But then when you improve/learn, it’s so super-fulfilling to see that.
Often times, we’re focusing on what we’re good at or what we might like. But not as much what deeply fulfills us. What goes to the heart of our core values in the world. Learning is one of my core values. When I am learning (almost no matter what) I am deeply fulfilled. So is serving others. So when I am in a place where I am not learning at all and not serving in any way, it doesn’t matter if I am good at what I am doing, I am just not happy. I cannot sustain that job/activity.
This is important for me to know because when something ceases to sustain me, I can pay attention and see which values are not being met. Like with the layout example, maybe I am just not learning anymore. Or I don’t feel like the stories I am sharing serve me or my family any more. Or they are being served just as well elsewhere. If I decide I want to (or maybe have to in a job situation) continue doing such an activity, I can see how I can make it more fulfilling for myself. What can I infuse this with so I am honoring one of my values again?
For example, if I want to continue to make layouts and really feel the fulfillment again, I can add a new layer of learning into the process. This past weekend, I tried to do this by adding more painting to my layouts. I wanted to see how the two mediums would work. I know I love to paint/watercolor. How could I combine that love with my layouts. Now I am learning/playing/experimenting again. And while frustration might show up, so does fulfillment because I am honoring one of my values.
Realizing the difference between liking, being good at, and being fulfilled by has allowed me to revisit a lot of how I spend my time. I’ve categorized all I do during the day/week so I have a good sense of which group (or combination of groups) it falls into so that I know where my time goes and how much of it I spend doing things that are not fulfilling me. Think of fulfilling as giving you energy (not physical but soul energy) so doing more of those will allow me to actually have more space and more energy in my life. It’s definitely a direction in which I want to go.
It also allows me to notice what’s not fulfilling me at the moment and whether I want to (or can) let it go. And if not, how can I modify things around this activity so it’s honoring a value I have and it can start showing up on the fulfilling bucket, too.
As with everything else, I am trying to learn about myself, what works for me, what motivates me, and what makes me show up in the world at my best. Learning what fills my cup is another step in that journey.
Before I met my husband, when I heard the phone ring, I’d jump to get it. It didn’t matter if I was doing something important or we were in the middle of talking, etc. If the phone was ringing, clearly it was important and needed to be answered, right?
Wrong.
One of the gifts Jake gave me was the realization that just because the phone is ringing, it doesn’t mean that I have to get it. It just means, this is a convenient time for the other person to call. But, before I pick up, it’s also important for me to think about whether it’s a convenient time for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. The point here is not that I should not get the phone, it’s that I should’t automatically get it. Just because it’s ringing, it doesn’t mean it has to be answered.
Yet another example of the importance of awareness. Of taking the one extra second to stop and decide instead of reacting. So I can respond and not react.
Even though I’ve gotten much better about the phone, I’ve noticed that I now have this problem with email. If someone emails me and I take more than one or two days to respond, I automatically apologize for the delay. Where’s the rule that email should be responded to within minutes? In the older days, we were used to having to wait for the mail to be delivered and then for the response to be delivered. So things took time. While the lack of this slow-response-time can be effective sometimes, it also means that we can go at a much higher pace. And the emails can build up and can get overwhelming quickly. I pretty much can spend half my day responding to email.
But is that the most effective use of my time? Is that the most important thing I could be doing?
Clearly not.
So the question I have on my mind today is: what’s a reasonable time to respond to an email? (Excluding those emails that genuinely are urgent which are far and few in between.)
From the time I receive it, how long can I sit on it before it becomes rude? Before the other person is offended? Before I genuinely have to apologize for the delay?
As I sat and thought about that today, I decided my personal threshold is between four days and a week. Assuming the person is not out of town or responding to some emergency, I feel a week is a reasonable time to wait for a reply before it’s “too long.” So it should be good enough for my responses, too.
I understand that this threshold might be different for each of us. It’s not even the number itself that matters to me. It’s just the acknowledgement that just because it’s there and someone sent me an email, I don’t have to actually respond right away. It might “feel” urgent but it’s not actually urgent. And, often times, it’s not even important. It can wait a few days. I can do my important items and then tackle my email as a batch instead of continually interrupting what I am doing to respond to incoming mail. (Especially since we now know multitasking messes up the brain.)
So that’s what I am going to try this week. I will remember that just like the phone, email does not need to be answered right away. If the email is not super-time-sensitive, it’s going to sit in my inbox. I will reserve some time every few days to sit and go through what’s in my inbox and respond.
Yesterday I read an article on how the trick to reaching your goals is creating a self-identity around them. Like, if you want to get in shape, you start small and run/walk/exercise each day a tiny amount until you feel like you’re “a person who exercises” and then getting in shape seems much more plausible for a “person who exercises.” And as I thought about this, it made sense to me.
Especially on the opposite side. Like, I’ve wanted to learn how to do really beautiful lettering for a long while but each time I think about it, the first thing that comes to my mind is “my handwriting sucks, I am a person whose handwriting sucks.” I feel like having bad handwriting is just who I am so for this person with bad handwriting, being able to create beautiful lettering seems unfeasible. Not accomplishable.
I used to feel that way about drawing too. I remember I said to myself “I can’t draw. I wish I could draw.” It was who I was: “a person who can’t draw.” But then I started. I copied others, I worked at it every single day. I tried different things. I copied from photos. I experimented. And I found my style. After years of trying. I stil have a long, long way to go before I become the kind of talented sketcher I hope to be. But the point is that now my identity has shifted, I am no longer “the person who can’t draw.” I am “someone who can draw.” It changes how I see myself in the world. It makes everything possible. And it gives me the self-empowerment to accomplish any goals I set around drawing.
(I did the same with exercise by the way. I went from “someone who never exercises” to “someone who exercises every single day.” with tiny tiny steps, i changed my identity on exercise.)
So I’ve been thinking about how I can do this for the other things on my list that I haven’t been paying able to accomplish. Things like lettering, doodling, sketching figures. What I need to find is small steps that are achievable and create enough momentum for me to shift the self-identity I have around these. So I can move from “a person who can’t” do them to “a person who can.”
I think this idea of shifting the way you see yourself in the world (about this topic) is really spot on. It’s what leaves the doors closed vs creating the space for you to soar. And I know that I don’t want to ever feel like any doors are closed in my life.
I’ve made some changes in my life in the last few weeks that have had some expected and some unexpected impact so I thought I’d share them with you in case it helps in any way.
The first change I made was back in the beginning of March. I decided that I was going to quit refined sugar. There wasn’t a lot of build up to this change or some major purpose. I tried quitting all sugar for about four hours and it was a disaster but then I switched to refined sugar only and it’s been a breeze. I take a break for our date nights but other than that, I’ve pretty much avoided refined sugar.
The expected impact was possibly some more energy, maybe some weight loss, but it was really cause I wanted to do it and liked the idea of eating as little processed food as possible.
What I didn’t expect was how easy it would be and even more significantly how easily it made all the foods I was struggling with not a problem for me. For example, each time I went to Starbucks to get coffee, I’d find myself picking a pastry or a cakepop and going there had become agony for me cause I found myself constantly craving the food and then feeling bad about it, etc. But I still wanted to get my coffee and felt mad at myself for not being able to control my food cravings. Interestingly, since the day I decided to quit refined sugar, none of those pastries are an option for me anymore and this hasn’t bothered me one bit. I can now go to Starbucks, get my coffee and nothing else. I don’t even mind it one bit. This has meant less bad food for me and for my boys since they were asking for food when I got some, too.
I have no idea what caused this shift but I am very grateful for it.
The other change I made was at the beginning of last week. I have been meaning to go back to daily meditation for over six months now but it keeps falling off the todo list. Out of the blue, last week, I decided I’d start waking up at 5am every weekday so I could meditate and journal while my kids were still sleeping. I think maybe this was instigated by my desire to do the Life Planner but I am not sure… either way, I decided to do it and have been sticking to it every day since. (I was already getting up at 4:40 on Wednesdays for my coaching certification calls so now I just get up at 5am on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, too.)
The expected outcome was that I would meditate and journal each morning. Both of which did happen. I actually even get to finish my daily running before the kids wake up, too.
The unexpected outcome was how much calmer and happier this makes my morning. By the time 6:30 rolls around, I have already meditated, journaled, exercised and showered. I am calm and awake and patient. The breakfast is ready. If my kids aren’t awake, I lovingly kiss them and feel the spaciousness of having time to get them ready for school. It’s been so seamless that I now have 45 mins after they wake up to do my daily sketching, too. This means my sketching gets done before I drop the kids off so when I come back home, I can start work right away. It’s made my whole week go more smoothly. I’m still amazed by the effect it’s had on my life.
So here we are. Sometimes one shift causes other, unexpected ones. So if there’s some change calling to you, I say take the step today; maybe you’ll be surprised by the unexpected impact like I’ve been.
One of the things we did in the One Little Word class at the beginning of the year was to set intentions for the year. As I was thinking about March, I decided to practice self-kindness and compassion and I was surprised to notice that my intention for March had been “kindly present” so it lined up really well.
As April approached, I was setting intentions for myself and one of the things that kept coming up was “be you.” I have a little stamp from Cat’s Life Press that says {be you} which I stamp on every single piece of art I create. It’s my reminder to self and message to others. I believe we shine the most when we fully step into who we are. It’s hard and requires a lot of bravery, but it’s also the most fulfilling way to live and it’s exactly what the world needs.
A few weeks ago, I had a small moment that caused me to set this intention. I was about to leave for vacation (a short 3-day trip including the weekend) and right before I left, one of the guys I work with asked me if I had finished a task I’d volunteered to take on. My original understanding was that the task wasn’t a rush and I had time to really dig in and figure out how to resolve it. But then he messaged me and asked me if I was done and made it sound like it was urgent and he was going to do it if I wasn’t done.
A lot of stuff kicked in at once for me. The panic I mentioned in yesterday’s post, the worry of not being good enough, the stress that I was leaving the next day, etc. I told him to give me fifteen minutes so I could see if I could get it done. About five minutes later, I knew there was no way I was getting it done in fifteen minutes or even a little longer. I felt the panic growing larger and also despair and smallness.
I then took a deep breath and tried to practice non-judging awareness. I noticed all my feelings and senses. I was feeling frustrated that the urgency had suddenly gone up five notches without my knowing about it. I was feeling small that he made it sound like he could just get it done and I knew I couldn’t “just get it done.” I felt like the stress of having this descend upon me minutes before I left. I felt all the “you’re not good enough to do this” and “maybe you’re not good enough to do your job” and on and on. I allowed all of them to come to the surface.
And then I changed my point of view. Instead of making it about “me” and “my incompetence” and the “unfairness to me” I decided to look at this from the group’s point of view. Would it be great if this project was indeed finished the next day? Yes. Did it truly matter (for the project) if I was the one who did it? No. So I put my pride aside and messaged the team member back. I told him that there was no way I was getting it done before I left and if it was urgent to get it done while I was out, he should definitely go ahead and do it. If not, I’d pick it up when I got back.
It was honest and the right thing to do. And it felt so good.
At the end of the day, whether I liked it or not, being myself meant admitting that I could not do it in the time allotted. It was also admitting my wishes to be the one to do it so I could learn and practice. I did both and also told him to do the right thing for the project regardless of me. It was hard and brave. But also easy and came with a huge sense of relief.
After that incident, I decided to practice being honest and being myself more and more. I figured I am who I am anyway. And while it’s great to try to improve (and I constantly do), it’s also important to just accept who I am. And the first step in that is owning up to it.
So I decided that my intention for April would be to be “me.” To really pay attention to who I am, how I really feel and approach all of it with non-judging awareness and then be myself unapologetically.
I’ve had a few occasions to practice since then and it’s paid off every single time. And with practice, the feeling of apologizing for who I am diminishes more and more.
(By the way, the situation at work resolved as well. My colleague didn’t get a chance to do it and so when I returned from vacation, I made the changes myself and got to learn like I wanted to and it was fixed in a timely manner.)
Just this week, I was looking at my intention card for April and there it was: bravely present.
I can’t imagine anything braver than fully being myself.
I’ve been thinking about writing blog posts for weeks now (even worse, I started this one on April 4th but I am determined to finish this time!) but each day comes and goes and I am not able to sit and do it. The last few weeks have been insane. I sort of knew they were going to be because of predictable timelines at work. Since my plan for March was to be kind to myself (more on this later, I promise) I decided that I would tackle this new milestone with a lot of self-compassion, patience and optimism.
I don’t mean optimism in the “things are just fine” rosy glasses, way. I mean that I would approach each day with the expectation that things would turn out ok. And that if they are not okay, it wouldn’t break me. I would just do my best with that day and try again the next day. I also decided to take on the positive outlook approach. I woke up each day thinking about how the day was going to be fine and each time anxiety came up, I’d remind myself that it didn’t mean anything and things were just as likely to go well as they were likely not to go well.
I greeted my family with love and tried not to take out my frustrations out on them. And I tried to have a reasonable idea of which of my personal goals could be dropped on the floor, which could wait, and which would have to get done anyway. I just wanted to be extra-aware this time around and try to set myself up to succeed.
And while the timeline is still playing itself out, I’ll say that this overall approach definitely works. Because here’s what I learned about anxiety and panic: they don’t help. In fact, they hurt. When I am anxious and panicky, I am more likely to react as opposed to act. I am more likely to make decisions from a place of anger, stress and fear. I am more likely to spread my stress, thereby affecting others, too. Which, of course, affects how they�perceive�me and my ability to keep my cool. But, even worse, now they are stressed and they are spreading their stress around, too. It perpetuates.
I already know that when I am in a stress-response, I am not using my pre-frontal cortex and instead making fight-or-flight like decisions which are survival based. Clearly not where I want to operate from at work where I have complicated decisions that require a lot of thinking and evaluation.
This all seems obvious in retrospect (or even when you say it out loud) but the trick is to really apply it in the moment. Just like it’s super obvious that if you want your kids to stop yelling and fighting, yelling at them to be quiet is not the right approach. Alas, the problem is that when you’re in the middle of it, it “feels” like a fight-flight response situation. You feel the stress, the panic, the anger, the frustration and you don’t feel like you have the extra two seconds to not react.
But, you do. You always do.
(unless there’s a tiger in front of you, about to jump. Then you don’t.)
When moments like this happen, I forget that I am at choice. I just panic. I think of the worst scenario, I worry about failing, I feel like it needs to be instantly resolved. I mean instantly.
Alas, it does not.
So, setting these new expectations of myself and being dedicated to being positive and being in the present moment allowed me to sail through March and beginning of April much more smoothly. Not to say I didn’t have some rough days and things didn’t trigger me. But I did much better than usual.
A few weeks before my milestone began, I was struggling with a similar issue at work and feeling like I was constantly triggering on the panic. One of the solutions I came up with my coach was to take a ten minute break when I first noticed the problem. I wasn’t allowed to resolve it for ten minutes. I had to go take a walk, be with my kids, or do something else and then come back to it. I figured this would give my panic time to subside without really impeding the swift resolution of the issue.
What was amazing is that I didn’t even need to implement it. The next time something went wrong, I handled it calmly without having to take my ten minutes. Just knowing it was there for me gave me the shift I needed.
I think this isn’t rare. Most things start with awareness and setting intentions (another thing I’ve been thinking a lot about lately) and once you start paying attention, you can be a lot more purposeful and intentional about the way you live life. And it pays back immediately.
So that’s where I’ve been. Apologies for the quiet here. I will say that I’ve really missed writing and made a commitment to be back here regularly. I hope you’re still here, too, and thank you for your patience with me
Every now and then I get into this place where I am reading a slew of books at the same time. This, to me, is a sign that I am distracted and need to refocus. So I told myself I can’t start any new books until this queue is finished all the way.
One of the books I’m in the middle of is True Refuge by Tara Brach. If you read here with any regularity, you know I am a huge fan of Tara and listen to her podcasts regularly and have found them to be incredibly helpful and thought-provoking.
Today, while I was waiting for Nathaniel’s class to get out, I read this passage:
When Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh was invited to the San Francisco Zen Center in the 1970s, the students asked him what they could do to improve their practice. He had entered a monastery at age sixteen, was ordained monk, and had endured the horrors of the war in Vietnam. I imagine they expected some rigorous prescription for deepening their spiritual life. Thich Nhat Hanh’s response: “You guys get up too early for one thing, you should get up a little later. And your practice is too grim. I have just two instructions for you this week. One is to breathe, and one is to smile.”
This is such good advice. Approach your practice (and your life) with an earnest yet relaxed heart. You can make a dedicated effort without tension and striving.
The part that was most most resonant for me was the very last part:
You can make a dedicated effort without tension and striving.
This has been a rough week for me. I seem to be lost in some kind of non-productive thoughts which are making life harder for me. And reading this is the reminder I needed. I always work hard. I know that part of the reason I’ve achieved the successes that have come my way is through hard work and persistence.
But what I also know is that my hard work is imbued with worry, stress, tension, and a lot of striving. A lot of wanting to be better. Beating myself up. Worrying. And then more stressing. And while I know these are not helpful, I can’t seem to disassociate them from the “dedicated effort.”
As if working hard, trying hard also means worrying a lot and stressing a lot.
And it does not.
It does not.
I love the idea of “an earnest yet relaxed heart.” The idea of not stressing but still working hard. Still committed, dedicated, and growth-oriented. And relaxed.
And I believe with all my heart and gut that this is possible. That a dedicated effort and lack of tension can live together.
And yet, I am not sure how to do it.
I know from experience that “just relax” is a completely unproductive thing to say to someone who is like me. If I knew how to relax, clearly I would be doing it. So the question here for me is how do I do it?
I shall start with breathing. Closing my eyes and taking a big, deep breath.
It appears I ran out of time tonight so I figured I’ll share some of my favorite videos. No common thread except that all of them are food for thought and for your soul.
Multitasking and the Effects on Concentration
Amanda Palmer @ TED
Pranav Mistry: The thrilling potential of SixthSense technology @ TED
