I’ve been grumpy lately. Actually, that’s not accurate. I’ve been down. I’ve noticed that these cycles seem to come and go. I wake up one morning and just seem to feel low for no apparent reason. And then my perspective shifts so that I am seeing everything with negative-eyes.

Which only serves to perpetuate my sadness.

I’ve learned that, at any moment in time, there are things that make me happy and things that frustrate me. The contents of the list might change but both lists are active at all times. How I feel about my day, and life, depends on which list I am focusing on. On the rougher days, I look at the “happy list” but none of the items seems to penetrate through the wall of sorrow. I feel like they are all fake or things that can be taken away at any moment in time. Whereas, on a happy day, the things on the “frustrating list” seem completely surmountable or insignificant.

While I know it’s about my perspective (or maybe hormones), what I don’t know is how to tip it from one to the other. What’s even more frustrating is that when I am in this not-so-positive space, I sometimes do things that disappoint me. Like eating things I know aren’t good for me. Which then perpetuates the bad feeling. So I get stuck in my own cycles.

Since it’s been more than a week, I am agitated and completely ready to snap out of this place. If I could force or shame or even cheer myself out of this place, I totally would. But none of those seem to have worked. So, this morning, I went to my intentions cards from the One Little Word, so I could see what I’d originally chosen for May.

It said “Physically Present:” Go outside. Breathe. Breathe more. Can you do more to be healthy? What needs attention now?

At first I thought, none of this is helpful. Then I thought, why not. Maybe this is exactly what I need right now. To get out of my head. And what’s the best way to get out of my head if not being more physically present? I’ve decided I am going to take long-ish walks every day this week. I’ve also decided to take two days off and be more physically present at some of the events at my kids’ schools and see if these help me get out of my head a bit.

So there we are. If you have these cycles and have ideas on what helps to snap out of them, I hope you leave me a comment. I am up for trying creative solutions at this point.

Since I started getting up at 5am, I’ve been starting my days with a body scan meditation and then some journaling. In the first few days, both of them were very centered, insightful and rewarding.

But in the last week, I’ve noticed a slight shift. I am more tired and more impatient during my body scan. I am only halfway present (at best) and then a lot of my journaling is ranting or at least complaining or at best whining. I am not a fan of this kind of journaling. I understand that, for some people, it serves a purpose to unload or get it out of their system. But, for me, it just puts me in a bad mood or makes me feel sorry for myself.

So not only have I been not present in my mediation and whining in my journaling but then I’ve been spending my days being grumpy and frustrated. Clearly not the point of going through the effort of waking up at 5am.

On my way to pick up Nathaniel from school today, I was listening to Tara Brach’s dharma talk on Listening. She often mentions sitting with something and noticing what shifts or comes up as you sit there and allow the feelings to be present (without judging them.) I often ask my clients the question of what’s under a particular thought or feeling, so it felt obvious that I should do it too.

As I was driving, I started paying attention to what was there. Sadness, frustration, panic, hopelessness, worry, anger. I didn’t judge any of them. As more came to the surface, I noticed them shift and change shape. It made it easier for me to understand why something trivial-seeming might feel so heavy. Once I uncovered all that was under it, it was obvious that this one thing was just a manifestation of a much bigger worry.

This is the thing with listening without judgement: it opens the space for you to notice all that’s there. not just the one symptom but everything. And it is only when you allow yourself to see everything, to accept everything that you can begin to heal.

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking it or even approving of it. It just means being willing to see what’s already there. Because what’s already there is in fact already there. Not acknowledging it doesn’t make it go away. It just makes you bury it under shame, anger, or other unproductive feelings. And it also doesn’t allow you to see/know what’s really there. You’re not seeing the full picture.

I don’t know that acknowledging what is means you now know how to solve it. But I do know that not acknowledging it is definitely getting in the way of any shift or resolution.

Since I was driving when all this came to me, I decided my plan for tomorrow morning is to really listen. Not be frustrated about how badly I am meditating and not to use the journaling to whine but to keep answering: “what’s here now?” so I can keep digging and digging and shine light on all that’s hiding in the dark corners.