One of the things we did in the One Little Word class at the beginning of the year was to set intentions for the year. As I was thinking about March, I decided to practice self-kindness and compassion and I was surprised to notice that my intention for March had been “kindly present” so it lined up really well.

As April approached, I was setting intentions for myself and one of the things that kept coming up was “be you.” I have a little stamp from Cat’s Life Press that says {be you} which I stamp on every single piece of art I create. It’s my reminder to self and message to others. I believe we shine the most when we fully step into who we are. It’s hard and requires a lot of bravery, but it’s also the most fulfilling way to live and it’s exactly what the world needs.

A few weeks ago, I had a small moment that caused me to set this intention. I was about to leave for vacation (a short 3-day trip including the weekend) and right before I left, one of the guys I work with asked me if I had finished a task I’d volunteered to take on. My original understanding was that the task wasn’t a rush and I had time to really dig in and figure out how to resolve it. But then he messaged me and asked me if I was done and made it sound like it was urgent and he was going to do it if I wasn’t done.

A lot of stuff kicked in at once for me. The panic I mentioned in yesterday’s post, the worry of not being good enough, the stress that I was leaving the next day, etc. I told him to give me fifteen minutes so I could see if I could get it done. About five minutes later, I knew there was no way I was getting it done in fifteen minutes or even a little longer. I felt the panic growing larger and also despair and smallness.

I then took a deep breath and tried to practice non-judging awareness. I noticed all my feelings and senses. I was feeling frustrated that the urgency had suddenly gone up five notches without my knowing about it. I was feeling small that he made it sound like he could just get it done and I knew I couldn’t “just get it done.” I felt like the stress of having this descend upon me minutes before I left. I felt all the “you’re not good enough to do this” and “maybe you’re not good enough to do your job” and on and on. I allowed all of them to come to the surface.

And then I changed my point of view. Instead of making it about “me” and “my incompetence” and the “unfairness to me” I decided to look at this from the group’s point of view. Would it be great if this project was indeed finished the next day? Yes. Did it truly matter (for the project) if I was the one who did it? No. So I put my pride aside and messaged the team member back. I told him that there was no way I was getting it done before I left and if it was urgent to get it done while I was out, he should definitely go ahead and do it. If not, I’d pick it up when I got back.

It was honest and the right thing to do. And it felt so good.

At the end of the day, whether I liked it or not, being myself meant admitting that I could not do it in the time allotted. It was also admitting my wishes to be the one to do it so I could learn and practice. I did both and also told him to do the right thing for the project regardless of me. It was hard and brave. But also easy and came with a huge sense of relief.

After that incident, I decided to practice being honest and being myself more and more. I figured I am who I am anyway. And while it’s great to try to improve (and I constantly do), it’s also important to just accept who I am. And the first step in that is owning up to it.

So I decided that my intention for April would be to be “me.” To really pay attention to who I am, how I really feel and approach all of it with non-judging awareness and then be myself unapologetically.

I’ve had a few occasions to practice since then and it’s paid off every single time. And with practice, the feeling of apologizing for who I am diminishes more and more.

(By the way, the situation at work resolved as well. My colleague didn’t get a chance to do it and so when I returned from vacation, I made the changes myself and got to learn like I wanted to and it was fixed in a timely manner.)

Just this week, I was looking at my intention card for April and there it was: bravely present.

I can’t imagine anything braver than fully being myself.

I’ve been thinking about writing blog posts for weeks now (even worse, I started this one on April 4th but I am determined to finish this time!) but each day comes and goes and I am not able to sit and do it. The last few weeks have been insane. I sort of knew they were going to be because of predictable timelines at work. Since my plan for March was to be kind to myself (more on this later, I promise) I decided that I would tackle this new milestone with a lot of self-compassion, patience and optimism.

I don’t mean optimism in the “things are just fine” rosy glasses, way. I mean that I would approach each day with the expectation that things would turn out ok. And that if they are not okay, it wouldn’t break me. I would just do my best with that day and try again the next day. I also decided to take on the positive outlook approach. I woke up each day thinking about how the day was going to be fine and each time anxiety came up, I’d remind myself that it didn’t mean anything and things were just as likely to go well as they were likely not to go well.

I greeted my family with love and tried not to take out my frustrations out on them. And I tried to have a reasonable idea of which of my personal goals could be dropped on the floor, which could wait, and which would have to get done anyway. I just wanted to be extra-aware this time around and try to set myself up to succeed.

And while the timeline is still playing itself out, I’ll say that this overall approach definitely works. Because here’s what I learned about anxiety and panic: they don’t help. In fact, they hurt. When I am anxious and panicky, I am more likely to react as opposed to act. I am more likely to make decisions from a place of anger, stress and fear. I am more likely to spread my stress, thereby affecting others, too. Which, of course, affects how they�perceive�me and my ability to keep my cool. But, even worse, now they are stressed and they are spreading their stress around, too. It perpetuates.

I already know that when I am in a stress-response, I am not using my pre-frontal cortex and instead making fight-or-flight like decisions which are survival based. Clearly not where I want to operate from at work where I have complicated decisions that require a lot of thinking and evaluation.

This all seems obvious in retrospect (or even when you say it out loud) but the trick is to really apply it in the moment. Just like it’s super obvious that if you want your kids to stop yelling and fighting, yelling at them to be quiet is not the right approach. Alas, the problem is that when you’re in the middle of it, it “feels” like a fight-flight response situation. You feel the stress, the panic, the anger, the frustration and you don’t feel like you have the extra two seconds to not react.

But, you do. You always do.

(unless there’s a tiger in front of you, about to jump. Then you don’t.)

When moments like this happen, I forget that I am at choice. I just panic. I think of the worst scenario, I worry about failing, I feel like it needs to be instantly resolved. I mean instantly.

Alas, it does not.

So, setting these new expectations of myself and being dedicated to being positive and being in the present moment allowed me to sail through March and beginning of April much more smoothly. Not to say I didn’t have some rough days and things didn’t trigger me. But I did much better than usual.

A few weeks before my milestone began, I was struggling with a similar issue at work and feeling like I was constantly triggering on the panic. One of the solutions I came up with my coach was to take a ten minute break when I first noticed the problem. I wasn’t allowed to resolve it for ten minutes. I had to go take a walk, be with my kids, or do something else and then come back to it. I figured this would give my panic time to subside without really impeding the swift resolution of the issue.

What was amazing is that I didn’t even need to implement it. The next time something went wrong, I handled it calmly without having to take my ten minutes. Just knowing it was there for me gave me the shift I needed.

I think this isn’t rare. Most things start with awareness and setting intentions (another thing I’ve been thinking a lot about lately) and once you start paying attention, you can be a lot more purposeful and intentional about the way you live life. And it pays back immediately.

So that’s where I’ve been. Apologies for the quiet here. I will say that I’ve really missed writing and made a commitment to be back here regularly. I hope you’re still here, too, and thank you for your patience with me 🙂