As I was taling to a client a few weeks ago, we drew the distinction between liking something, being good at something, and being fulfilled by something. I think sometimes we collapse all these different things and, in my opinion, while certain activities might fall into all of these categories, they are each distinct categories. And I think differentiating them is important and valuable.

There are things that I am good at, like fixing computer problems, that I used to maybe like but I don’t as much anymore and I, similarly, don’t feel fulfilled by as much anymore. There are also things that I am very fulfilled by but am not very good at just yet, like lettering or sketching. There are things that I like but am not very fulfilled by like watching TV. And then there are things I like, am good at, and get fulfilled by, like reading or learning.

More and more, I am growing to realize that if an activity is not fulfilling, that means I cannot sustain it. Something that I like eventually wanes over time. Or it might morph. For example, I used to do a lot of layouts. For me, it was a way to tell our stories and I was getting a lot of fulfillment out of it. But lately, the savor project and the blog is covering a lot of that for me and I don’t feel compelled to create as many layouts as I used to. Maybe part of it was also finding my own style and playing with supplies and once it all settled down, there was less learning involved and I wasn’t as interested anymore. Not sure exactly what happened but I do know, at this moment, it’s less fulfilling than it used to be. (Even though I still like making pages and can be ‘good’ at it depending how you define being good at something like that.)

I think this is also why it’s important to remember the “purpose” or “value” behind the things we do. Sometimes the activity itself might not be as enjoyable but it’s so very fulfilling afterwards. Just like when you’re learning something new, the process can be slow-moving and painful and not always enjoyable. But then when you improve/learn, it’s so super-fulfilling to see that.

Often times, we’re focusing on what we’re good at or what we might like. But not as much what deeply fulfills us. What goes to the heart of our core values in the world. Learning is one of my core values. When I am learning (almost no matter what) I am deeply fulfilled. So is serving others. So when I am in a place where I am not learning at all and not serving in any way, it doesn’t matter if I am good at what I am doing, I am just not happy. I cannot sustain that job/activity.

This is important for me to know because when something ceases to sustain me, I can pay attention and see which values are not being met. Like with the layout example, maybe I am just not learning anymore. Or I don’t feel like the stories I am sharing serve me or my family any more. Or they are being served just as well elsewhere. If I decide I want to (or maybe have to in a job situation) continue doing such an activity, I can see how I can make it more fulfilling for myself. What can I infuse this with so I am honoring one of my values again?

For example, if I want to continue to make layouts and really feel the fulfillment again, I can add a new layer of learning into the process. This past weekend, I tried to do this by adding more painting to my layouts. I wanted to see how the two mediums would work. I know I love to paint/watercolor. How could I combine that love with my layouts. Now I am learning/playing/experimenting again. And while frustration might show up, so does fulfillment because I am honoring one of my values.

Realizing the difference between liking, being good at, and being fulfilled by has allowed me to revisit a lot of how I spend my time. I’ve categorized all I do during the day/week so I have a good sense of which group (or combination of groups) it falls into so that I know where my time goes and how much of it I spend doing things that are not fulfilling me. Think of fulfilling as giving you energy (not physical but soul energy) so doing more of those will allow me to actually have more space and more energy in my life. It’s definitely a direction in which I want to go.

It also allows me to notice what’s not fulfilling me at the moment and whether I want to (or can) let it go. And if not, how can I modify things around this activity so it’s honoring a value I have and it can start showing up on the fulfilling bucket, too.

As with everything else, I am trying to learn about myself, what works for me, what motivates me, and what makes me show up in the world at my best. Learning what fills my cup is another step in that journey.

Before I met my husband, when I heard the phone ring, I’d jump to get it. It didn’t matter if I was doing something important or we were in the middle of talking, etc. If the phone was ringing, clearly it was important and needed to be answered, right?

Wrong.

One of the gifts Jake gave me was the realization that just because the phone is ringing, it doesn’t mean that I have to get it. It just means, this is a convenient time for the other person to call. But, before I pick up, it’s also important for me to think about whether it’s a convenient time for me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. The point here is not that I should not get the phone, it’s that I should’t automatically get it. Just because it’s ringing, it doesn’t mean it has to be answered.

Yet another example of the importance of awareness. Of taking the one extra second to stop and decide instead of reacting. So I can respond and not react.

Even though I’ve gotten much better about the phone, I’ve noticed that I now have this problem with email. If someone emails me and I take more than one or two days to respond, I automatically apologize for the delay. Where’s the rule that email should be responded to within minutes? In the older days, we were used to having to wait for the mail to be delivered and then for the response to be delivered. So things took time. While the lack of this slow-response-time can be effective sometimes, it also means that we can go at a much higher pace. And the emails can build up and can get overwhelming quickly. I pretty much can spend half my day responding to email.

But is that the most effective use of my time? Is that the most important thing I could be doing?

Clearly not.

So the question I have on my mind today is: what’s a reasonable time to respond to an email? (Excluding those emails that genuinely are urgent which are far and few in between.)

From the time I receive it, how long can I sit on it before it becomes rude? Before the other person is offended? Before I genuinely have to apologize for the delay?

As I sat and thought about that today, I decided my personal threshold is between four days and a week. Assuming the person is not out of town or responding to some emergency, I feel a week is a reasonable time to wait for a reply before it’s “too long.” So it should be good enough for my responses, too.

I understand that this threshold might be different for each of us. It’s not even the number itself that matters to me. It’s just the acknowledgement that just because it’s there and someone sent me an email, I don’t have to actually respond right away. It might “feel” urgent but it’s not actually urgent. And, often times, it’s not even important. It can wait a few days. I can do my important items and then tackle my email as a batch instead of continually interrupting what I am doing to respond to incoming mail. (Especially since we now know multitasking messes up the brain.)

So that’s what I am going to try this week. I will remember that just like the phone, email does not need to be answered right away. If the email is not super-time-sensitive, it’s going to sit in my inbox. I will reserve some time every few days to sit and go through what’s in my inbox and respond.

Let’s see how it goes.

(What’s your threshold?)