Back when I applied to college, there were some common questions across most of my applications. What’s your favorite book? What’s your favorite movie? I don’t know if they still ask these but what’s interesting to me is that both my favorite book (books in my case) and my favorite movie hasn’t changed since I was 17. I might have added a few to my list but the originals are still at the very top.

My favorite movie is still Dead Poet’s Society. To be honest, I think it’s quite interesting that I grew up in Turkey, in a very different system and yet this movie about a bunch of boys going to a private school in the US really spoke to me. There are so many themes in the movie that I love: non-conformity/individuality, making the most of life/seizing the day, making your mark, doing what you love. I can go on and on. The movie might be about a bunch of private-school boys, but the themes are clearly universal. (Not to mention Robin Williams’ excellent acting.)

Here’s a little clip I was revisiting today that’s especially resonant for me at this moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8fu-hq3S7A

“We must constantly look at things in a different way….Just when you think you know something you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try.”

He then goes on to say, “you must strive to find your own voice, cause the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.” And this is yet another huge insight that I think matters deeply. But, for today, I want to talk about this idea of looking at things in another way.

I think that many of us do this at the beginning of a decision. We try to look at things from many different perspectives. Maybe because we feel like we’re at a choice point, or maybe because we have no idea how things will turn out so we try to do more visualization than usual. But, either way, I think many of us practice different perspectives prior to making a decision/taking a path.

But then we rarely ever do it again.

This path we embarked upon four years ago might have made a lot of sense then. But life’s changed in four years. We’ve changed in four years. Our priorities, our goals, things that bring us joy, etc. could all have changed in this time. And, yet, we rarely ever stop and change our perspective and look at the path again. We feel like we’re now stuck with this path, all because it might have been the right one four years ago.

I think, in most cases, this lack of revisiting does a disservice. If you took the time to “stand on the desk” per se, and look at your situation from a different perspective, you might:

1. find a way out
2. change course
3. see things in a different light
4. realize you’re in the right path after all

in my opinion, any of these will make you feel better. Any of these will help you realize you have choice.

And as humans, we crave feeling in control of our own lives, so having choice is essential.

The more I grow up, the more I am starting to believe that nothing is real. That everything I believe to be true is imbued with my stories, my perspective, my past, and my ways of seeing/believing things. Which might sound depressing but it’s also very liberating. It means that, at any moment in time, I can choose to believe a different story. One that makes me feel good. One that empowers me. One that serves me.

I can change my perspective and pick one that works.

I get to decide.

It’s amazing that, after twenty-four years, this movie can still remind me what I felt most strongly as a teenager: Life is rare and precious and it is up to me to live it the way I want to.

Lately, I’ve been finding that there are certain conversations that repeat in my head on a loop. I wake up with these thoughts and go to bed with them and no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to snap out of it.

It might be obvious but I’ll mention it anyway: these are negative thoughts that do not serve me. Some are complaints about how my life is stuck in certain ways I don’t like it to be. Some are frustrations of hard work (or at least consistent work) not paying off as much as I’d like. And some are just good old whining.

None of these are making my life better.

In fact, they make my days worse. I get caught up in the chatter and the negativity encompasses all of my brain. Next thing I know, the day’s over and I’m all bitter. And if there’s one thing I hate almost as much as sarcasm (which I despise) it’s being bitter. I think that being bitter doesn’t serve me at all. It sucks all the joy out of my life and leaves me nothing. I refuse to have my life be that way.

But no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t get these thoughts to stop. I could quiet them down a bit but then they’d come back full-force. It’s like when you trust someone and then they do something to betray you. From there on the seeds of doubt are inside you and infect every single moment. That’s how these thoughts were for me. They were taking over my thoughts and emotions and infecting my days.

This morning I got up and asked myself a crucial question.

“What do I want?”

For each of these issues that were driving me mad, I wanted to know what I was seeking. What my true, realistic goal was. For me the first answer is always flippant. It’s rash action that’s just not realistic or even ideal. It’s just an extreme that would immediately make this nagging thought disappear. Like “move away” or “quit that commitment.” etc.

But this time I didn’t let myself off the hook. I just kept asking. What do I want here? What’s an outcome that would make me happy? Or at least content enough to have the nagging thoughts out of my head. How can I change this situation/worry/problem so I can be at peace again?

When I really sit to think about it, this is not an easy question. Because realistically, if this were an easy problem to solve, I would have solved it already. And clearly there’s some emotional issues here, too, since it’s getting in the way of my peace. So it’s hard and emotionally loaded. But I still kept at it. What do I want? I asked myself.

The next set of answers that came to me involved other people. I might want so-and-so to fix the problem for me in some way or another. But, as I know quite well, the only person I can control is me. I am the only one I can change. And since these are my personal concerns and are messing with my peace, well I should be invested in fixing them myself.

So the question morphed a bit and became “What do I want and What can I do about it?” What are some actions I can take to make the situation better for me? To change my reality, my perception, and my ability to not let it get to me. Those are the three things I can adjust.

1. I can take action.
2. I can change my point of view.
3. I can change the value I assign to this issue emotionally. (As in how much I should/will worry about it.)

I can change one of these, all of these or any combination.

So for each of the items on my nagging list, after I already figured out what I wanted (which is the HARD part) I wrote down which of the three I could change and how.

Just writing it all down made me feel better already. We often tend to get upset when we feel like we have no control over things in our lives. We get into these cycles where we forget that at some point, this was a choice and now it feels like a trap. But we do have choice. We have the choice to decide what we want. We have the choice to take small actions in the direction of our wants. We have the choice to change our perspective. And we definitely have the choice not to let it nag us. Even if it feels impossible, all of those choices are there, available to us at all times.

And they all start with the magic question:

What do I want?