I’ve been battling with a decision for a few weeks. Well, in truth, I originally considered this path back in 2008, before I had Nathaniel. I was already pregnant and I was thinking about what path I might want for myself once he was here. The decision was complicated and I couldn’t see a way out. I pondered for a while, panicked for a bit, got frustrated a lot.

And then I gave up.

In 2010, it came back up again. I briefly visited it. Gave up once more. And then again in 2011. Each time I’d get all riled up, feel frustrated and lost all over again. But then eventually give up.

But I couldn’t seem to really let go.

A few months ago, it bubbled up again.

And I went right back into my cycle. Research. Desperate attempt to make it happen. Feeling small. Feeling frustrated. I just couldn’t find a way out. I couldn’t find a way to make it happen and yet I didn’t want to let it go either. I was so annoyed with myself for having sat on this for four years.

I wanted to be able to either let it go permanently or to find a way to just make it happen.

Day after day, I dug in. Day after day, I felt defeated and small. And I hit my zenith this week when I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I asked Jake and he said he’d support me and help me. It wasn’t enough. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t allow myself to inconvenience him just because of my incompetence.

But I still wasn’t able to let go.

I felt so mad at myself.

Today, I couldn’t even meditate because my mind was so preoccupied and I was feeling so full of all the competing emotions inside me. Finally, I told Jake I wanted to talk to him and I told him that I was really suffering through these decisions. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was feeling small. I needed his help. I needed to lean. I needed to stop this cycle. I needed to make a decision and be okay with it.

And he did what he does best: he helped me. He told me he was here for me 100% and that I could lean.

So I did.

I knew I couldn’t do this one by myself. I’ve been carrying it since 2008 and it just activates too much of my personal baggage. I think, sometimes, something that seems like a small decision to someone else might be huge for me. And vice versa. For me, it comes down to why the decision is hard. Is it expensive, time consuming, involving others, stretching my limits, etc. This one was just bringing up all the weaknesses I feel inside. It was activating my personal dark side. My fears and insecurities.

As soon as I realized that, I knew I couldn’t (and shouldn’t have to) conquer it on my own. And then I was able to let go and lean.

And I finally made a decision. Tomorrow will show if I can follow through but, for tonight, I feel better.

Grateful.

When I started feeling better about two weeks ago, the first thing several people told me was: “It probably won’t last.” I nodded. I knew it wouldn’t and that we often revert to the mean but I wanted to enjoy feeling good for as long as I could. More significantly, I wanted to believe that I wouldn’t be returning to the really bad place I was in before my class.

I wanted to be out of there permanently.

When you’re in that bad place, it feels like you will never see sunshine again. Just like when I feel sick, after some time, I feel like I will never be healthy again. Somehow my mind or body seems to forget what feeling healthy feels like. It’s as if all I know is this sickness. I feel the same way when I am in that bad place emotionally. It’s as if I can’t remember how light looks or feels like, let alone think I might see it again.

So once I started feeling good again, I understood I might deterioriate but I just didn’t want to go all the way back there.

The thing that’s great about feeling good is that just like the vicious cycle, the good feeling cycles on itself, too. I was feeling good, so I performed better, I was kinder, more open and then more good stuff came my way. I got the recognition and the pats in the back I craved when I was not feeling up to par. And things just cycled from there.

Then the weekend came and I got grumpy. Several annoying things happened. We lost internet connectivity for a long while, I dropped my camera and shattered the filter, I got very little sleep all weekend, I struggled with the sketching, my emails in both my personal inbox and work inbox overflowed and I just felt very behind. I wasn’t able to exercise as thoroughly as I wanted. I ate badly. I can go on, but I assume you get the picture.

The weekend came and went this way and then I woke up this morning and I was still really grumpy. And a little worried that the “good feeling” had disappeared. I got scared.

After my exercise, I sat down to sketch and opened a podcast.

I decided that I was hanging on to feelings of frustration and resentment by choice. The internet was back, all that broke in my camera was the cheapest part (the filter), I did all my sketches and exercised everyday. I didn’t get sleep cause I got to go out on date nights. Etc. I realized that I was still grumpy partly from being tired but partly cause I was just holding on to it.

And I decided to let it go.

just like that.

I did my sketch. Tried to catch up on work, emails, builds as much as I could. Stuff came up, urgent stuff came up, I dealt with it. (Still dealing with it actually.) I made a list of what I’d like to get done tonight. All of which can be rolled over to tomorrow if need be. Inboxes can wait.

Here’s why it can all wait: if I don’t think it can, I get all stressed. Then I get tired and decide to watch TV and put it all off. I’m not an adrenaline junky. I don’t thrive on deadlines or last minute rush. I am the kind of kid who comes home and does her homework first thing. So having last minute stress shuts me down.

So if I stress and continue to be grumpy, there’s zero chance my list will get done. But if I let it all go, I might feel ok enough to tackle one or two items on my list. Counter-intuitive, I know, but also 100% accurate.

Not to mention the other side effects of letting go: less jaw pain, kinder to the kids, kinder to myself, feeling less small and more confident.

The greatest miracle of all was that I was able to let it go. I still have the nagging feeling at the back of my mind and I hope to at least clear my emails tonight. But the grumpiness is gone. I am once again feeling the calm and serenity of the light.

and I hope to hold on to it for as long as I can.

Tomorrow is my next class in the Mindfulness-Based Stress reduction course. After that, there will just be one more and I am already sad thinking about that. However, I’m excited that my favorite teacher at Stanford is offering a Science of Mindfulness class this Fall which starts in just a few weeks and I will definitely be taking it. (I’m actually taking two other online classes starting in September on top of a crazy work schedule and two little boys starting school. I am trying not to think about what all this will do to my schedule.)

Last week’s class topic was on Beginner’s Mind (links to pdf). A lot of it is about making assumptions. We make a record amount of assumptions all day long, every day. And the more we interact with a person, with a job, with any particular thing, the more assumptions we make about it.

I’ve been with Jake for a long time and I know him so well that I often think I know what he’s thinking, how he will react and what he might be feeling. And, while there are many times I might be right, there are quite a few occasions where I am wrong. He does the same thing to me. He might remember how I reacted to some situation a few years ago and assume I will behave the same way again. But people change. Even when it’s not a fundamental shift (which also happens) people’s day to day moods will change how they might look at a particular situation. And how they respond. I often remind Jake to just ask me anyway. Even if he thinks he knows what I will say. And I try to remember the same thing. To approach it with an open mind. To really watch and listen and be there. And not to assume I already know how it’s going to go down.

This even applies to art supplies. I got stuck in my art journaling a lot in the beginning of my journey cause I thought I had to color my background. I thought that’s how it was done. I assumed there was a right way. I assumed I had to gesso my page. I assumed I had to use my paints with water. I do none of those things now. One day, I decided to not assume and I tried different things and I liked how they turned out. Sometimes “not knowing” helps. Not thinking that it has to be done a certain way.

I always remember how Wendy Kopp said she started Teach For America because she didn’t know it couldn’t be done. She didn’t realize what a big undertaking it was. She didn’t realize the education system in America is a huge undertaking. She just did it. If she knew all there was to come, all it would take, she might never have done it. And I, for one, am so glad she had no idea what she was getting into.

A few months ago, when things were really really rough at work, I realized yet another way assumptions were hurting me. In areas where I am not great, I find that I always assume others know so much more than I do. I put these other people on a pedestal and myself way down in a hole, so I feel smaller than I am. This is true whether it’s coding, drawing, scrapping, whatever. I just assume others know more, better, bigger. This problem is even more pronounced when I am around people who have self-confidence or who don’t like to ever show weakness. They like to come off like they know more than they do. When I am around people like that, I feel even worse. Look how much they know, and how little I do. I am nothing. They are amazing. I will never be anything. Blah blah. You get the picture.

But when I was facing real problems, I looked at the way these people helped me solve problems and I realized that they didn’t know more than I did. When it came down to digging in and figuring things out, their knowledge and ability to fix was no greater than mine. They just felt confident they would eventually fix it. I realized all the assumptions I was making were wrong.

I’ve realized this in other areas of my life, too. As I learn more I realize I didn’t actually know that much less than others. And, just as importantly, they didn’t know that much more than I do. So I didn’t need to put myself in a hole and I didn’t have to put them on a pedestal.

This might sound weird to some of you, but it was definitely a revelation for me. I was very surprised when I realized it.

And just to clarify, of course there are areas where others know more than I do but, in this case, I was creating a much bigger chasm between my place and others’ cause of my self-image and my assumptions. People hold themselves to different standards. What I might consider not-good-enough might be acceptable for someone else and even above-average for yet someone else. So I’ve learned not to assume anything. I’ve learned to approach situations with optimism and trust. Trust in my ability to figure things out.

I know this is a bit of a non sequitur from the Beginner’s Mind concept but it just made me think more and more about assumptions. And how they damage me. How they stop me from starting. How they stop me from keeping at it. How they stop me from trusting myself. How they stop me from believing I can.

So I want to work on being aware of these. Paying attention to when I don’t take a step cause I assume that I know how it will all not work out. Paying attention to when I stop along the way cause I assume it will never get better. Paying attention to when I assume I know how someone else will react. Paying attention to when I assume others are so much more capable than I am. Paying attention to when I beat myself up because I assume I messed up irrevocably.

Maybe if I pay attention more, I can do a better job of reminding myself that there’s so much I don’t know. That I don’t even know all that I don’t know. And I should never assume. Especially when I use it as an excuse to tear myself down and not be brave.

Because I want to be brave.

I want to remember that I *am* brave.

And every new day is a new day and I want to approach each day with a Beginner’s Mind. Assume nothing. Welcome this new day. Take it in fresh and know that it can be anything I want it to be.

A brand new beginning.