karenika

Art Journaling – Arches Printmaking Set 17

Here are some more pages I did:

The full text reads: boldly step into the unknown. be brave.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: it is ok to let your wild side come out. (my version of this amazing art.)

Well here we go. More coming next week.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.

Categorizing People

Last weekend, as we walked with a friend of Jake’s whom I’d never met, a particular writer came up and I said that I’d not seen the movies because I hadn’t read the books yet and I really wanted to read first. He was really surprised and then shared some facts that made it clear that he was really into this particular writer.

When we encouraged the conversation, he admitted that he was nervous about mentioning details cause he thought we’d judge him for being so into this author. Like we’d label him nerdy, etc. (Which of course made me laugh since Jake and I are nothing if not nerds.) But then it made me think a lot.

Here was this guy Jake has known and liked for a long time and when he met me, he was still nervous about how I might judge him due to his author choices. How sad is that? I am annoyed that we’re so judgmental and we’re so worried about everyone’s judgements of us. When I first met Jake, he was like that, too. He had ideas of what authors were ok to read and which were not. I read everyone. I am not ashamed to admit I like Stephanie Meyer alongside Milan Kundera and Charles Dickens. If someone judges me cause of what I read, I am perfectly okay not being friends with a person like that.

While book-reading is an area where I feel confident, I am not equally secure in all my other choices. I, too, worry how people will judge me. Will I say the wrong thing? Do the wrong thing? Wear the wrong thing. I worry a lot.

And that sucks.

I know I can’t change the world but I want to change my own part in this game. I want to make sure that I actively choose not to judge others. I don’t want to categorize them in my mind as I often do. I think it’s easy to put people into buckets and then leave them there. But people are so much more complex than that. A nerd might feel passionate about salsa dancing. Does that still make him a nerd? What does a nerd even mean? I just want to be able to take information from others without having them fear that I might judge them. I want to be open and receiving and listening and not trying to compartmentalize and categorize and analyze.

Just listen. (and maybe, if I am lucky, learn.)

I want to find a way to exude this openness and accepting. The first step, of course, is to believe in it wholeheartedly. To truly be open. And then to really listen. Not preparing a reply. Not thinking while someone is talking but really just listening to them. Seeing all their dimension. And as judgements come up (which I am sure they will at least in the beginning), paying attention and letting them go. Fostering that awareness of judging.

And maybe if I get really good at this, I can stop judging myself, too.

The Savor Project – Week 32

And here’s the spread for week 32:

here’s a closer up of the left side:

This side is Spiderman movie, a work related one and Tara Bracht’s book that I love.

And here’s the right side:

The first one here is the boys building sandcastles and then the boys with their stuffed animal friends.

Art along the bottom as usual.

Another great week. Happy Savoring.

The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.

A Book a Week – The Fault in our Stars

As I am a huge fan of John Green, I wanted to read The Fault in our Stars the minute I heard about it. I had to wait for a long time, alas. I preordered it and then read it pretty much the moment I had it in my hands.

I’ll say it was less lighthearted than his previous novels and it was also less gimmicky. It felt like a more mature version of his work. The subject matter was heavy but it was still told in John’s magical storytelling and I loved every minute of it. Even though I’ve vowed not to read sad books, I was sad and laughing as I read this book and I am glad I read it.

I can’t wait to read more by John.

Sitting with Discomfort

I got an email this morning that immediately made me mad.

I don’t want to get into details cause my post is not about the specific example but the gist of it is that I needed some help from this company. I paid them for a service but I have a specific hurdle in the way. I asked them if they could help me. This company is in the education and people-help business so I figured they might be helpful. And after a long period of silence, they basically said “no we won’t do it. good luck!”

And I was mad.

I felt like I’d done my part, taken a big leap and they were just being jerks. I felt like what I was asking for (and not out of want but need) was not that big a deal and they just didn’t care. I felt like I was giving them all this money and they were so full of themselves that they couldn’t be bothered to help me.

On and on I went.

I will be honest, I even thought of canceling what I’d paid for and sending a “go to you know where” sort of email to them. I just felt really really mad. I felt like they were being snobby and unhelpful and why did I want to associate with that kind of company? Why would I give my money and time to them when I had alternatives.

But since I’ve been working so hard on my awareness and mindfulness, I decided to just sit with my anger and frustration and do nothing.

After a while, the anger started to dissipate. (always does of course.) And I realized that what I actually felt was disappointment. More than that, I felt a bit of shame. This hurdle is something that I am frustrated about and feel like it’s a personal problem. So when they said they couldn’t help, I took it as “you’re super-weird to have this problem, good luck with that.” It played into my insecurity in this area. I read into her words. I took them as insults.

When, actually, all she was saying was “I talked to my manager and I was told I can’t do this.” She didn’t even tell me how she felt. Just that she wasn’t allowed to help in this way. She even said she was looking forward to meeting me in person, etc. She was perfectly nice outside of saying she was unable to do what I wanted.

And while I still might feel disappointed that they weren’t willing to go the extra-mile for me, I think a large chunk of my anger was really the shame of needing them to do it in the first place. Shame I already feel around my need. So once I was able to sit with the anger and allow the shame to come to the surface, I went back and reread the email and I could see she was being nice. She was trying to put it in the nicest way she could. Or at least that’s how I am reading it now. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

This is supposed to be the gift of mindfulness from what I was told. The ability to sit with something and not react. Allowing things to come to the surface. I am grateful I was able to do it today.

I know that my next steps could still prove this company is not the right fit for me, but at least I hope that the decision will come from experience and not emotional reaction.

And I hope I can learn to sit with discomfort more often. I can see it has a lot to teach me.

Ps: I don’t know if these posts are too vague. I wanted to make it generic so my point is clearer but I apologize if the abstraction is making it frustrating. If so, let me know.

Pps: I had the joy and privilege of being on the Paperclipping Roundtable today, you can listen to it here.

Daily Sketching – Week 71

Here are the sketches from last week. not delighted with this week’s offerings but some weeks are like that:

Sunday:

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

that’s it for this week.

Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my sketching journey here.

Having Done vs Doing

During the late Nineties, I spent some time writing novels. I’ve always been a voracious reader and, like many people, have dreamt of writing my own books. I did what I always do: I signed up for classes, both online and in person. I got involved with the community. I even wrote a class. I wrote some novels, of course. I continued this for a few years and then walked away.

I can’t remember one instance that made me stop but maybe I got busy. It was around the time I joined TFA so I am guessing life just got in the way. But I never picked it back up again.

Over the years, I’ve revisited the goal a few times. Each time I made a wish, life, mondo-beyondo or any other list, “write and publish a novel” always made it to the list. After the mondo-beyondo class, I even signed up for a fiction writing class but I just wasn’t feeling it.

So I decided maybe it was time to put this particular dream to rest.

Well, of course it won’t stay dormant for long because each time I see someone else publish a book, a piece of me wishes I did it, too.

But here’s the thing: I don’t know if I like to write. Many writers will say they feel a strong need to tell stories. That they write cause they have to. They want to. They feel to pull. Etc. etc.

Me…not so much.

I think I like the idea of having written more than the writing. I think I like the idea of having my published book. More than telling stories that are inside me, itching to get out. I like having it all done. Not doing it.

Which makes me believe this is not something I should be dreaming of. Not something I should be aiming for. If I don’t have the strong desire to write, I am likely not going to enjoy all that it takes to get a book out there. As it is, for those who crave the writing, it’s a long and difficult process to actually get a book published. So it seems silly for me to aim for it.

I am learning to differentiate between wanting to do something and wanting to have done it. One is about enjoying the process and the other is about looking good. Since life is all about the journey, the process, the steps along the way, I think it’s best to spend my time with things I love to do. And not things I will suffer through just to have it be done.

Life’s all about enjoying the journey. Enjoying the doing.

So maybe it’s time to permanently say goodbye to this one dream.

I am so sad to see the beginning of the end of baby teeth

This is a layout I made for Maya Road for CHA.

And the journaling says:
I remember being excited when you lost your first baby tooth. But in the last few weeks, you’ve lost four more and it’s clear now that the last signs of your baby years are almost all gone. I know time passes and part of me can’t wait to see the person you’ll become but another part of me wants to stop time so you can stay my baby forever. I love you so much David.

details:

Letters with Nathaniel – N

As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with this letter as I did for letter A and all the others. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page:

Like each time, we talked about each of the words and then differentiated between capitals and lowercase. Then we colored all the letters.

Here he is gluing:

and coloring

Yey! Nathaniel is still loving this project!

Letters with Nathaniel is a weekly project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Weekly Diary – August 18 2012

Here are some snapshots from our week:

Jake’s mother was in town and she helped us dig up and fix and plant in the front yard. She didn’t help us, she did the whole thing.

The boys loved helping her.

she did the biggest amount of work and we’re so grateful.

nathaniel always gets sad when he doesn’t wake up from his nap properly. When he’s sad like this there’s nothing I can do. I just have to wait for him to wake up all the way.