I’ve been battling with a decision for a few weeks. Well, in truth, I originally considered this path back in 2008, before I had Nathaniel. I was already pregnant and I was thinking about what path I might want for myself once he was here. The decision was complicated and I couldn’t see a way out. I pondered for a while, panicked for a bit, got frustrated a lot.

And then I gave up.

In 2010, it came back up again. I briefly visited it. Gave up once more. And then again in 2011. Each time I’d get all riled up, feel frustrated and lost all over again. But then eventually give up.

But I couldn’t seem to really let go.

A few months ago, it bubbled up again.

And I went right back into my cycle. Research. Desperate attempt to make it happen. Feeling small. Feeling frustrated. I just couldn’t find a way out. I couldn’t find a way to make it happen and yet I didn’t want to let it go either. I was so annoyed with myself for having sat on this for four years.

I wanted to be able to either let it go permanently or to find a way to just make it happen.

Day after day, I dug in. Day after day, I felt defeated and small. And I hit my zenith this week when I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I asked Jake and he said he’d support me and help me. It wasn’t enough. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t allow myself to inconvenience him just because of my incompetence.

But I still wasn’t able to let go.

I felt so mad at myself.

Today, I couldn’t even meditate because my mind was so preoccupied and I was feeling so full of all the competing emotions inside me. Finally, I told Jake I wanted to talk to him and I told him that I was really suffering through these decisions. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was feeling small. I needed his help. I needed to lean. I needed to stop this cycle. I needed to make a decision and be okay with it.

And he did what he does best: he helped me. He told me he was here for me 100% and that I could lean.

So I did.

I knew I couldn’t do this one by myself. I’ve been carrying it since 2008 and it just activates too much of my personal baggage. I think, sometimes, something that seems like a small decision to someone else might be huge for me. And vice versa. For me, it comes down to why the decision is hard. Is it expensive, time consuming, involving others, stretching my limits, etc. This one was just bringing up all the weaknesses I feel inside. It was activating my personal dark side. My fears and insecurities.

As soon as I realized that, I knew I couldn’t (and shouldn’t have to) conquer it on my own. And then I was able to let go and lean.

And I finally made a decision. Tomorrow will show if I can follow through but, for tonight, I feel better.

Grateful.

When I started feeling better about two weeks ago, the first thing several people told me was: “It probably won’t last.” I nodded. I knew it wouldn’t and that we often revert to the mean but I wanted to enjoy feeling good for as long as I could. More significantly, I wanted to believe that I wouldn’t be returning to the really bad place I was in before my class.

I wanted to be out of there permanently.

When you’re in that bad place, it feels like you will never see sunshine again. Just like when I feel sick, after some time, I feel like I will never be healthy again. Somehow my mind or body seems to forget what feeling healthy feels like. It’s as if all I know is this sickness. I feel the same way when I am in that bad place emotionally. It’s as if I can’t remember how light looks or feels like, let alone think I might see it again.

So once I started feeling good again, I understood I might deterioriate but I just didn’t want to go all the way back there.

The thing that’s great about feeling good is that just like the vicious cycle, the good feeling cycles on itself, too. I was feeling good, so I performed better, I was kinder, more open and then more good stuff came my way. I got the recognition and the pats in the back I craved when I was not feeling up to par. And things just cycled from there.

Then the weekend came and I got grumpy. Several annoying things happened. We lost internet connectivity for a long while, I dropped my camera and shattered the filter, I got very little sleep all weekend, I struggled with the sketching, my emails in both my personal inbox and work inbox overflowed and I just felt very behind. I wasn’t able to exercise as thoroughly as I wanted. I ate badly. I can go on, but I assume you get the picture.

The weekend came and went this way and then I woke up this morning and I was still really grumpy. And a little worried that the “good feeling” had disappeared. I got scared.

After my exercise, I sat down to sketch and opened a podcast.

I decided that I was hanging on to feelings of frustration and resentment by choice. The internet was back, all that broke in my camera was the cheapest part (the filter), I did all my sketches and exercised everyday. I didn’t get sleep cause I got to go out on date nights. Etc. I realized that I was still grumpy partly from being tired but partly cause I was just holding on to it.

And I decided to let it go.

just like that.

I did my sketch. Tried to catch up on work, emails, builds as much as I could. Stuff came up, urgent stuff came up, I dealt with it. (Still dealing with it actually.) I made a list of what I’d like to get done tonight. All of which can be rolled over to tomorrow if need be. Inboxes can wait.

Here’s why it can all wait: if I don’t think it can, I get all stressed. Then I get tired and decide to watch TV and put it all off. I’m not an adrenaline junky. I don’t thrive on deadlines or last minute rush. I am the kind of kid who comes home and does her homework first thing. So having last minute stress shuts me down.

So if I stress and continue to be grumpy, there’s zero chance my list will get done. But if I let it all go, I might feel ok enough to tackle one or two items on my list. Counter-intuitive, I know, but also 100% accurate.

Not to mention the other side effects of letting go: less jaw pain, kinder to the kids, kinder to myself, feeling less small and more confident.

The greatest miracle of all was that I was able to let it go. I still have the nagging feeling at the back of my mind and I hope to at least clear my emails tonight. But the grumpiness is gone. I am once again feeling the calm and serenity of the light.

and I hope to hold on to it for as long as I can.