karenika

Weekly Diary – August 11 2012

Another week light on photos, I’ve been working a lot and not snapping as much but alas such is life. Here are some snapshots from our week:

Nathaniel getting his own cereal.

I told him to sit down but not before I took a photo of course.

david’s been building some awesome legos.

i just haven’t been reaching for my camera for some reason.

so i snapped some mid-week, feeling guilty.

but then didn’t reach again for a week.

and i love this one even though it’s out of focus.

we did the family shot of course.

we screamed “we love david!!” and then repeated it for all family members.

and just laughed.

and then tickled and tickled.

and here we go. i hope your week was lovely, too.

Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Journey into Collage – Week 32

And yet another assignment for Your Living Canvas. This week was about vision. I am still sort of struggling with mine for several reasons. But the one thing that came up with me is that my vision for my life is to be calmer, slower, more still and aware and regularly practicing gratitude and joy. So whatever my vision ends up being, it will involve these themes.

The title says: calm (and slow, still, awareness, peace, gratitude, joy.)

Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Art Journaling – Arches Printmaking Set 15

Here are some more pages I did:

The full text reads: take time to rest. there’s so much magic in you, unleash it.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: choose to love your life, it’s the only one you have.

Well here we go. More coming next week.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.

Being a Beginner

Tomorrow is my next class in the Mindfulness-Based Stress reduction course. After that, there will just be one more and I am already sad thinking about that. However, I’m excited that my favorite teacher at Stanford is offering a Science of Mindfulness class this Fall which starts in just a few weeks and I will definitely be taking it. (I’m actually taking two other online classes starting in September on top of a crazy work schedule and two little boys starting school. I am trying not to think about what all this will do to my schedule.)

Last week’s class topic was on Beginner’s Mind (links to pdf). A lot of it is about making assumptions. We make a record amount of assumptions all day long, every day. And the more we interact with a person, with a job, with any particular thing, the more assumptions we make about it.

I’ve been with Jake for a long time and I know him so well that I often think I know what he’s thinking, how he will react and what he might be feeling. And, while there are many times I might be right, there are quite a few occasions where I am wrong. He does the same thing to me. He might remember how I reacted to some situation a few years ago and assume I will behave the same way again. But people change. Even when it’s not a fundamental shift (which also happens) people’s day to day moods will change how they might look at a particular situation. And how they respond. I often remind Jake to just ask me anyway. Even if he thinks he knows what I will say. And I try to remember the same thing. To approach it with an open mind. To really watch and listen and be there. And not to assume I already know how it’s going to go down.

This even applies to art supplies. I got stuck in my art journaling a lot in the beginning of my journey cause I thought I had to color my background. I thought that’s how it was done. I assumed there was a right way. I assumed I had to gesso my page. I assumed I had to use my paints with water. I do none of those things now. One day, I decided to not assume and I tried different things and I liked how they turned out. Sometimes “not knowing” helps. Not thinking that it has to be done a certain way.

I always remember how Wendy Kopp said she started Teach For America because she didn’t know it couldn’t be done. She didn’t realize what a big undertaking it was. She didn’t realize the education system in America is a huge undertaking. She just did it. If she knew all there was to come, all it would take, she might never have done it. And I, for one, am so glad she had no idea what she was getting into.

A few months ago, when things were really really rough at work, I realized yet another way assumptions were hurting me. In areas where I am not great, I find that I always assume others know so much more than I do. I put these other people on a pedestal and myself way down in a hole, so I feel smaller than I am. This is true whether it’s coding, drawing, scrapping, whatever. I just assume others know more, better, bigger. This problem is even more pronounced when I am around people who have self-confidence or who don’t like to ever show weakness. They like to come off like they know more than they do. When I am around people like that, I feel even worse. Look how much they know, and how little I do. I am nothing. They are amazing. I will never be anything. Blah blah. You get the picture.

But when I was facing real problems, I looked at the way these people helped me solve problems and I realized that they didn’t know more than I did. When it came down to digging in and figuring things out, their knowledge and ability to fix was no greater than mine. They just felt confident they would eventually fix it. I realized all the assumptions I was making were wrong.

I’ve realized this in other areas of my life, too. As I learn more I realize I didn’t actually know that much less than others. And, just as importantly, they didn’t know that much more than I do. So I didn’t need to put myself in a hole and I didn’t have to put them on a pedestal.

This might sound weird to some of you, but it was definitely a revelation for me. I was very surprised when I realized it.

And just to clarify, of course there are areas where others know more than I do but, in this case, I was creating a much bigger chasm between my place and others’ cause of my self-image and my assumptions. People hold themselves to different standards. What I might consider not-good-enough might be acceptable for someone else and even above-average for yet someone else. So I’ve learned not to assume anything. I’ve learned to approach situations with optimism and trust. Trust in my ability to figure things out.

I know this is a bit of a non sequitur from the Beginner’s Mind concept but it just made me think more and more about assumptions. And how they damage me. How they stop me from starting. How they stop me from keeping at it. How they stop me from trusting myself. How they stop me from believing I can.

So I want to work on being aware of these. Paying attention to when I don’t take a step cause I assume that I know how it will all not work out. Paying attention to when I stop along the way cause I assume it will never get better. Paying attention to when I assume I know how someone else will react. Paying attention to when I assume others are so much more capable than I am. Paying attention to when I beat myself up because I assume I messed up irrevocably.

Maybe if I pay attention more, I can do a better job of reminding myself that there’s so much I don’t know. That I don’t even know all that I don’t know. And I should never assume. Especially when I use it as an excuse to tear myself down and not be brave.

Because I want to be brave.

I want to remember that I *am* brave.

And every new day is a new day and I want to approach each day with a Beginner’s Mind. Assume nothing. Welcome this new day. Take it in fresh and know that it can be anything I want it to be.

A brand new beginning.

The Savor Project – Week 30

And here’s the spread for week thirty:

and

here’s a closer up of the left side:

This side is fully dedicated to The Color Run we did.

And here’s the right side:

The first one here is Nathaniel’s new bike, and then David’s blog. And then one on why I like to be at home and finally a work-offsite to see Batman.

Art along the bottom as usual.

Another great week. Happy Savoring.

The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.

A Book a Week – A Visit from the Goon Squad

I’ve read Jennifer Egan before and didn’t like her. So when book club picked A Visit from the Goon Squad I wasn’t looking forward to it.

But it turned out that I loved it.

This unusual way it was written in really spoke to me and I found myself getting more and more into it. I think this is a creative and interesting book and I can see why it got awards.

I’m glad my club picked it because I don’t think I would have given her another chance if it wasn’t for the book club.

Craving Exercise

On October 2, I will have been working out every single day for two years. Two years. This means I’ve worked out for about 675 consecutive days already. That’s more than I’ve worked out in all of my 36 previous years combined. I started with going walking, fast walking, around my neighborhood. And then quickly decided it was time to buy a treadmill cause the weather was getting iffier and I didn’t want to have any excuse to skip a day. I bought it and have used it every single day I was home. When we took vacation, I made sure there was a gym nearby. When we flew to Turkey, I got off the 16-hour plane ride and went to the gym. I literally haven’t skipped one single day.

But this post is not to tell you about how awesome I am.

Back when I never exercised, people who exercised a lot always told me that once I started doing it, I’d get used to it and eventually I’d start craving it. I thought they were full of you know what. There was no way I would crave exercise. In fairness, I’d never put the idea to test so I couldn’t be sure but I felt pretty confident in my stance.

And I am here to tell you that I was totally right.

After 675 consecutive days, I still dread exercising. I still have to drag myself to the treadmill. Yes, the actual exercise is now easier but there’s no craving. There’s no part of me that’s dying to get up on that machine. Or lace up and run outside or whatever.

Not an ounce.

The only reason I am exercising every day is because I’ve made it a core part of my daily routine. I get up and exercise. I am not allowed to do anything else until I’ve done that. No sketching, no reading, nothing. So I get up and I do it.

And then I am done with it.

That’s still the best part. The being done with it.

It hasn’t become a habit. It’s something I do cause I make myself do it. It’s hard. It takes some of my willpower (less since it’s scheduled but still…) and even when I am on the treadmill, it takes more willpower to not stop at one mile or two. Going all the way to 3 miles is hard many days. I want to stop, quit, give up.

So if you’re like me and heard that you’ll grow to love it and crave it, I am here to tell you that’s not true for everyone. It wasn’t true for me and it might not be true for you.

But don’t ever let that stop you.

If I can do it, you can, too.

Daily Sketching – Week 69

Here are the sketches from last week:

Sunday:

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

that’s it for this week.

Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my sketching journey here.

Pain and Suffering

If you’ve had enough of my zen podcast-related thoughts, you can skip today. I’ve been listening to them still and since I am working really long days lately, I am clinging to the peace they are bringing me. (My long hours of work and the lack of brain power I have leftover is the reason I’m behind in emails and comments, I apologize.)

In one of the episodes I listened to yesterday, Tara said “pain is inevitable but suffering is optional” (I wrote it down so I think it’s accurate but if not it was something really similar.) She went on to explain that our resistance to pain is what causes the suffering. This made me think a lot.

A lot of the meditation I’ve been learning in my class has been about raising awareness and not judging and not striving. For example, being aware that pain is there but not judging myself for it and not striving to make the pain go away. Ironically, I’ve had a lot of acute pain in my jaw in the last few weeks. So I’ve been thinking about the quote a lot and trying to figure out how it applies to me.

I can see that in some cases, especially emotional ones, I can interpret it as, bad things can happen to me, around me, but I don’t have to suffer. I can be aware of them, I can accept them and possibly learn to live with them. I can also try to set a path for change or shift. And I can do all of this without suffering or resisting. I can see how this might work. I can see how it might be beneficial. I can also see how it might be very hard. Very, very hard.

But then there’s physical pain. My jaw’s been hurting so much in the last few weeks that I’ve had to take a lot of Advil. I am not sure how suffering is optional there. Am I making the pain worse by resisting it? I do notice that when I am stressed it gets worse. But I still can’t really make the connection to suffering. Maybe it means that if I resist the pain more and push against it, it gets worse?

Either way, I still felt an immediate connection with the emotional pain side of things. I tend to compound my pain by resisting it. Especially if it’s a loved one’s pain. If my kids or my husband is in pain, all I can think of is how to fix it. How to make them feel better. How to undo. How to just not have the pain be there. My instinct is to want to resist it with all my being. I don’t want them to have pain.

Same goes for my pain. I don’t think “well ok, it’s here.” All I can think is “how can I make this go away?” Every part of my body wants to resist it. I only consider other options after fighting it for a long time and losing. After a lot of suffering.

What if I didn’t fight it? What if I just accepted it and worked with it. Or even possibly around it. Instead of resisting so hard. Would that work better? Would I suffer less? I am intrigued by this idea. I feel tempted to try it. It somehow feels like it would work. I love the idea of not having to suffer along with every pain that comes my way. (And I LOVE the idea of not suffering from my jaw pain if only there was a way….)

So next time something painful comes my way, I am going to step back and not resist. I will not try to solve it or fight it. I will acknowledge it and be aware of it. And then I will try to breathe and see if I can take a different path that doesn’t end in suffering.

And maybe it works…

Have you ever tried it? Did not resisting actually reduce suffering? I’d love to know.

you like to be brave but just a little bit

This is a layout I made for Maya Road for CHA.

And the journaling says:
My little boy you are always so very cute and you try to imitate your brother all the time and be a big brave boy like he is. So when you saw him walk on the sidewalk ledge, you had to, too. You did great until you hit a crack and then you refused to move, you were all scared. So I held your hand and walked you over the ledge. and told you that the cracks are not scary. But i have to admit I felt relieved that you are as cautious as you are adventurous. I like my boys to be brave but not too brave. Here’s to hoping you always stay a little cautious. I love you so very much my little boy. You rock.

details:

Letters with Nathaniel – M

As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with this letter as I did for letter A and all the others. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page: