I will admit that I am still not feeling 100%.

There are moments when I feel great and motivated and deeply peaceful. But, then, a small thing can totally put me into a tailspin and next thing I know I am back in that black place. Mentally, I know that things are great. My life is quite phenomenal actually and I am truly, deeply lucky. I am working hard not to lose sight of that and not to take it for granted.

But the hard moments still seem to come.

A friend at work told me today: “You need to be less hard on yourself. You’d be more effective if you were slightly more confident. You’re clearly bright enough to do what you need to do but you seem to get stuck mostly when you’re worried.” And it’s true. I do. I am really hard on myself. And not just at work. I am hard on myself as a mom, an artist, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a woman, and all the other ways in which I might identify myself. There’s a big part of me that just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. The perfect version of me that is/does exactly what they want/need.

And, of course, that’s impossible.

Because, the thing is, I am not that perfect ideal they want. I am just me. This person is all I can be. This person is all I am.

And, sometimes, that drives me absolutely insane.

On the good days, I can see so much of what I bring to the world. All the good. All the wisdom, caring, love, and kindness. I know that there’s a lot I bring to the table. I know that there are many people whose lives I have affected in a positive way. I know that I contribute to the world.

But then there are those harder days when all I see are my shortcomings. It can start with some tiny, offhanded comment that wasn’t even intended to upset me. But it will bring out some deep-rooted idea I have and spin me into some kind of shameful place. After that, there’s no stopping that train. I dig deeper and find the laundry list of inadequacies that I keep safely tucked away to pull out on these occasions. Once I have my list out, there’s no end. I am lost into the darkness and there’s pretty much nothing anyone can say to bring me back to my senses.

Even though I know that I am only capable of being who I am, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be what I think others want me to be. I am excellent at reading into people’s words. I am fabulous at looking for what’s wrong. At reprimanding myself. At creating criticism and negativity where there is none. Some part of me must think that if I bash myself harder than others, they can’t hurt me cause I know how to hurt myself and I do it first so they can’t get a chance to do it.

All of which, clearly, doesn’t serve me.

So I’ve decided it’s time to go back to the basics. I am going to spend some quality time journaling and getting a lot of toxic thoughts out of the way. What doesn’t serve me needs to leave. Especially when it’s stories I make up. I need to find a way to purge and I think journaling is a good start.

Then I’m going to go out and take a walk. A ten-minute walk can do wonders for the psyche. And it won’t hurt my health-goals either so it’s doubly good for me.

And, finally, I’m planning on doing some journaling and some art on the healing side. Some solid reminders to myself on what I do bring to the world. How lucky I am to have people I love so much who also love me. Make a gratitude list. Make a “things I do well” list. Decorate my corkboard (which sits in front of my table) with photos of people and things in my life that bring me joy. Change the background of my computer in the same manner. And I am going to schedule artists dates, coffee with friends, date nights and time with my kids. All of which make me peaceful and happy.

Let’s see how it works.

We’re trying to train my little boy to use the bathroom. The school he’s going to attend next year requires it and he’s just not into it. Actually that would be an understatement. He clearly doesn’t like it. And in case I’m still not sure, he says:

“NO LIKE IT!”

and he will continue to say it until I give up. Bribery is not working. Nor is yelling or pleading or everything in between.

But I am trying not to be too worried about it. I know he’ll eventually get it. He’ll grow up, he’ll do his business in the bathroom, he’ll stop wearing diapers at some point. What I don’t want him to stop doing is speaking up for himself.

As he approaches the wonderful age of three, he’s becoming more and more vocal and more and more assertive. And while I do get tired of it sometimes, I also love that he speaks his mind. And I work hard not to shut him down.

I think somewhere along the way, we lose that voice. That ability to ask for what we want. Or say what we don’t. Maybe cause we believe we don’t deserve it. Or cause we heard “no” too many times. I am not sure what it is that kills it, but I hope hope hope that it doesn’t happen for my kids.

I can already see David doing it a bit. I can see the refrain. He knows he’ll get a refusal so he doesn’t even ask. (To be fair, it’s often for things like playing video games, skipping vegetables, or having more time to stay up, but still.) I try to explain to him that I will never be mad at him for asking. He just needs to be okay with getting a “no” if it’s not ok. But if he doesn’t ask, it’s as if the answer is always no anyway.

Years ago, I took a course and one of the things they taught was to “ask for what you want and take what you get.” I love that idea. It means I am asking for what I want but I am also not attached to the outcome. All I can do is ask. I don’t control the answer. Often times we ask in order to manipulate. We only ask if we know we’ll get a yes. And so, if we do get a “no” we get extra upset. Which is not fair to the other person either.

If you want to be able to ask more, you also need to be ok with getting “no” more often. So I think it’s good to get in the habit of being able to ask for what you want and then taking what you get. And I want both my kids to grow up learning to do that again and again.

Like everything else, I think it takes practice.

And I plan to practice along with them.

I was rereading Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, this weekend. (We picked it for one of my book clubs and I’d read it when it just came out, so I wanted to have it fresh on my mind.)

One of my goals for 2012 is to be more mindful. I believe that this means different things for different people. As I was reading the book, there’s a section where Brené mentions Kristin Neff, another author I read and love. And she shares Kristin’s definition of mindfulness:

Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

When I look at this definition, the part that jumps out at me is the “over-identify” part. I don’t tend to suppress feelings. At least not for too long. But I am exceptionally good at blowing them out of proportion. I definitely tend to get caught up and swept away by negativity.

Not only that, but I often feel like what makes me “worthy” is my usefulness. So when I mess up, I lose my entire sense of worth. I get into this place where I am beating myself up worse than anyone else and I spiral. And of course, that means I lose all sense of perspective and I can no longer see the truth.

When your vision is that skewed, it’s not possible to make decisions. It’s not possible to heal. It’s not even possible to function productively. Which, of course, makes me less useful. And then you know the rest of the cycle.

I’m learning more and more that mindfulness is about paying attention. Real close attention. To what is. And being able to separate the facts from perception. From the way we like to distort things. Good or bad. It’s about staying present and being aware.

Like the description implies, paying attention means you can’t ignore it. But that you also can’t exaggerate it, make it more than what is. Both of these are a way to separate what is from what we make it out to be. Avoiding the problem certainly won’t make it go away.

But neither will overdoing it. If I let myself over-identify and get into the hole of negativity, I just end up wallowing in self-pity and not actually being mindful of what’s going on inside. I’m not mindful of the real emotions these events bring up in me. The ways in which I react to messing up or feeling responsible.

I’ve been noticing lately, for example, that when there’s a problem to solve or a deadline to meet, I have a constant sense of something hanging over my head. Like I can’t breathe easy until the task is complete. The degree might vary depending on the source of the issue (like maybe I worry more for work than a scrappy assignment) but it seems to always be there. Even for my personal daily tasks. With each checkmark in my notebook, I feel a bigger sense of relief.

Which is a bit ridiculous of course. I have a job, husband, kids, and home. And personal commitments. And scrappy commitments. Things will come up. I always have something due. And if having something come up or having something due is going to put me on edge….well I better learn to just live there.

Alas. It’s not so comfortable there.

This is another form of exaggerating. I make the issues and deadlines out to be much bigger than they are so then they weigh on my mind. So now, I am trying to be more mindful. I try to examine issues that come up and see if they really are urgent. If so, it’s ok to change the schedule around and take care of things (like I had to for work today). And if not, they go on the schedule. For later. In plenty of time to meet the deadline, but not “drop everything and do it today” and not “run around like a chicken without a head till it’s done.”

I don’t know if it will work. And I don’t know if next time I mess up, I won’t over-identify. I’m working on separating my worthiness from my usefulness. And I know it’s going to take a bunch of time to undo years of believing a certain way.

But the first step is awareness, right?

It always comes back to that. Paying attention. Taking Note.

And trying to do a bit better each time.