karenika

Moving away from Judgement

Last week, in one of my book clubs, we were talking about compassion. One of the women in my group was saying how she’s working actively on trying to become more compassionate towards everyone. How’s she’s been working on this for a long time and still struggles with it occasionally but she is not giving up.

As always, it made me think a lot about my relationship with compassion. If you read here with any regularity, you know that compassion towards myself is something I struggle with consistently. But, in this case, I was thinking about compassion towards others. Towards my kids, my husband, friends, strangers. Was I doing a good job? How could I do better? I try to be open-minded and be kind to most people I encounter, but was that enough?

The thing is, anyone who judges herself, clearly judges others too. But, yet, judgement requires knowledge. For me, judging someone comes down to two things:

1. Thinking you know them well enough to know exactly why they’re behaving the way they do
2. Thinking you know what the “right” way to behave is

But the fact is, you don’t know either. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that we don’t know those around us nearly as well as we think we do. We have no idea what they’re going through. Even the people we’re close to don’t always share their situation. As we grow older and have lives intertwined with husbands, significant others, children, etc. there is more and more that’s private to a certain relationship. Your friend might share her personal issues with you but she might not be able to share issues she’s facing with her kids or husband. So, at any moment in time, you know a lot less about someone else’s situation than you think you do. Which means you have no idea why they are making the choices they make or behaving the way they do.

The second one is more obvious to me. You clearly don’t know what the right thing to do is. You barely know what might be right for you. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the right thing in a marriage, to ensure both parties are getting what they need. And this is the person who’s theoretically closest to you and shares your days and nights. When it comes to friendships, it’s really hard to tell what the right thing for that person, for that situation might be. And who are you to know exactly what’s right in every situation? Or for every person in that situation?

Nobody, that’s who.

I was reminded again last week that there’s so much I don’t know about the people in my life. So many assumptions I make. So much filling in the “blanks.” And the way I fill in the blanks is often wrong. The assumptions I make are incorrect. Even with my husband, whom I’ve been with for almost twenty years, I have a hard time guessing exactly what he’s thinking and why he’s behaving a certain way. He is another human being. He has his own fears, worries, shortcomings, etc. Not to mention his own set of assumptions for situations and people in his own life. When you think about it more and more, you can clearly see how complicated this is. How little we really know. How many assumptions we make about others.

After the reminder last week, I am trying to keep this at the front of my mind. When I look at others (even my kids) I remind myself that I don’t know the full story. I don’t know what he’s reacting to. I don’t know what else she might be suffering from. I don’t know about the worries and fears he’s carrying with him.

And I will stop thinking that I know. Instead, I will be open. So I can listen. So he can share if he wants to. And if she doesn’t, I can just be there. To lean on, to forget, to hold his hand. I know it’s hard but I am hoping that if I raise my awareness and practice as often as I can, this will allow me to move from judgement to compassion.

And, maybe, just maybe, I can slowly find some compassion for myself, too.

totally absorbed and captivated

This layout was for Maya Road CHA Winter show.

Journaling Reads:
I snapped this photo of you while you were watching TV. You’re holding a tissue cause you like to imitate blowing your nose since I have allergies and do it often. I love how totally engrossed you are and how cute your tiny fingers look in this photo. I just adore you so much.

Details:

David’s BoGM – Week 9

Here is the next spread from our book:

This is a drawing Ari made for David at school. I love that he has a good friend who makes things for him.

There we go. That’s all for this week. More coming soon.

David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.

Weekly Diary – April 21 2012

here are some great moments from this week:

boys hugging is always the highlight of my day:

i love the look Nathaniel’s giving me here.

We went to the park and the kids had so much fun.

asked me to take photos.

he’s saying “hi mommy” here.

of course he got dad to join in, too.

he also helped the big boy climb high.

and then he had to help the little one, too, of course.

they were so grateful for his help.

While David was at school, Nathaniel discovered some of the toys in his room.

and then watched as David showed him how to use it.

and then he recruited daddy, too.

weather’s been amazing here, and the kids have been playing in the backyard a lot.

the kids love it.

they run around and laugh.

and play ball.

so i had to take photos, of course.

because what’s cuter than kids having fun?

nothing. that’s what.

oh well, maybe kids hugging might be a bit cuter!

I love how Nathaniel’s totally doing his own thing here.

this week’s photos had a long pause where we just all gave each other kisses, it was quite wonderful.

there was much laughter. even by me.

and, of course, tickle time.

and here we go. i hope your week was wonderful, too.

Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Journey into Collage – Week 16

Page sixteen:

I sat to do this page the minute I got the CHA My Mind’s Eye goodies. I covered the background with brown tissue paper and I just sat and worked without thinking. I love how it turned out. It has my favorite line from a Jewel song: “You already are what you hope to be.”

more next week.

Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

The Damage of Trying to Look Good

Yesterday, I saw an article on a blog my husband reads. It was talking about a powerful career woman who lives around here (whom I’ve met) and she was saying how she works 9-5 and gets to pickup her kids from school everyday, etc. And the article made me incredibly mad. I know for a fact that this person has several nannies and a lot of other help. She also works a lot more than 9-5.

It wasn’t just the lying that made me mad (which, of course, is terrible on its own) but the message it was sending.

It was implying that you can be a super-successful career woman and also a great mom who’s consistently there. You can have it all and do it all.

Which is deeply, profoundly untrue.

It’s not just untrue but it’s damaging to those of us who are trying so hard to keep up with things and not drop all the balls in the air. To look at her and have her make it seem like she can just do it all and that if I can’t, there must be something wrong with me. It’s giving a false impression of what’s possible and doing my life, struggles, psyche a huge damage in the process.

I feel like we do this a lot by being inauthentic and by making it seem like things are “breezier” than they are. As it is, we already seem to have a tendency to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others, so there’s no need to add to that by just lying (or omitting facts.) I feel like we would do everyone a LOT better service by just being honest. I feel like people who are struggling and not ashamed to say it actually get a lot more empathy, sympathy and much less judgement. We all feel inadequate here. All of us. Some of us hide it better. Some of us aren’t even willing to admit it to ourselves yet. But we all just feel “less than” in some areas of our lives. And the first step to healing that, in my opinion, is just saying it. So that others know it, too. So that others feel it’s ok to be courageous and share their truth, too.

To me, misrepresenting the truth in this way is no different than photoshopping a model’s body. It’s distortion of facts. It’s covering up what’s real.

What’s the point?

Ok, I understand. The point is that *you* look good. This person looks like a superstar. She’s amazing. She can do it all. She’s supermom and super career woman. So let’s all give her a pat in the back. And then what?

The cost to her ten minutes of feeling good about herself is that tons of other women who are now trying to juggle work and home feel terrible. The cost is that the issues for women who are trying to make it work are not acknowledged now and will never be discussed or resolved. Cause clearly if she can do it, it can be done, right? It must be a problem with me, not with the situation. Now there’s a public article/example that shows someone who can juggle it all perfectly.

It makes her look unrealistically successful at doing it all. It makes me look and feel terrible for not being able to do the same. It makes the hardships of trying to balance home and work seem nonexistent or devalued. And now the important discussions that could happen to resolve real issues will never happen. Cause clearly there are tangible examples of those who can make it all work. So we don’t need to talk about it cause there’s nothing to talk about. And not talking only leads to more damage. Like photoshopped images and eating disorders.

All so she can look good for an article.

This is not just a case of covering up a few truths so you look better than you are. This is something that’s going to cause tangible damage in the worlds of many other women.

And it makes me mad.

Art Journaling – Fabriano Roma Set 20

Here are some more pages I did:

The full text reads: Sometimes what looks like an ending is just a pause before a new beginning.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: be kind to everyone and start with you.

Well here we go. More coming next week.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.

Gratitude List

I haven’t been updating my left-side column with my daily gratitudes since the work craziness. David’s still writing his in his notebook and I am planning to put them back here starting this week. In honor of all the missed days, I thought it would be a good idea to make a gratitude list. Many studies show that happy and wholehearted people have a regular gratitude practice.

So let’s give this a shot. I am going to try to be very specific, I hope you can join me and leave your list in the comments. It would make my day, even if it’s just one item.

Things I am grateful for right now:

Nathaniel’s laughter and how he says “byeeee” to his classmates when I go to pick him up from school.
David’s little front tooth that’s still hanging in there despite the non-baby ones that are already broken through.
The fact that the date for our trip to Turkey is approaching and will be here soon.
Jake’s deep affection towards me and how very loved he makes me feel.
Jake’s hugs. (they’ve been my favorite for almost twenty years.)
That the sun is out and the kids can play in the backyard now.
All the sketches I’ve made this year.
A wonderful package of templates that came to me in the mail. (Thank you Jaime.)
Startbucks lattes and raspberry chocolate cake pops.
That I am still running 2.6 miles despite lack of desire. That I have exercised every single day since October 2, 2010.
For both my book clubs.
A few new friends.
Friday morning coffee dates with friends.
That Nathaniel and David both give me kisses and hugs whenever I ask for them.
My watercolor pencils. I love them so much.
Learning new things at work.
Getting stronger thanks to regular strength exercises.
Finally catching up on some of the videos from the classes I was taking online.
Getting to watch some TV.
Scrapbooking. Even though I whine as I do it, I love telling our stories.
That the days are getting longer and it’s not pitch black when I wake up.
That summer is coming soon and I won’t be setting the alarm.
For awesome stash of books that are waiting to be read. Quick ones and ones to savor.
Date nights with David — a new tradition.
My friend Caroline and chatting with her online.
A warm tea and some blankets when I feel like snuggling up.
Yogurt with granola and fruit.
And, of course, my health, my family’s health. And all the millions of little and big things we have that make our day to day life so much more joyous.

So what’s on your list right now?

A Book a Week – Ficciones

Ficciones was a book club choice. I have been meaning to read it for a long, long time so I was grateful to have the excuse to finally do it.

Alas, it was a super-hard read for me. While I liked some of the stories ok, I found the writing dense and didn’t connect with any of the characters in any story. Almost all of them have twists in the end and those are neat but I just didn’t get into it enough I guess.

This book has such great reviews that I feel there must be something off with me for not liking it. Then again, I’ve never been a huge fan of short stories.

The Savor Project – Week 14

And here’s the spread for week thirteen (sorry photos are still not great quality.):

here’s a closer up of the left side:

The first story here is about the whoopee (I spelled it wrong I find out much later!) cushion Jake brought home and how much fun the kids had with it. Then about David’s daily reading assignment. And then about how Nathaniel imitates David so much. Even if it means playing with a Wii remote without batteries!

And here’s the right side:

The first one here is about the craze of paper airplanes and how it still continues. Then about Nathaniel and his love for stickers and then finally about Jake and David playing Monopoly together.

My art and our family photo along the bottom as usual.

So there we go. So far, so good. Still enjoying this project a lot.

Happy Savoring.

The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.

Doing it when You don’t Want to

I think there’s a myth that if you’re an artist you’re doing art all the time. Or that you want to be doing art all the time. Or that you should wait until desire strikes you to do art.

Ok maybe there are several myths.

I believe none of these are true.

I don’t believe there’s anyone on this earth who wants to do something all the time. We, as humans, tend to go through cycles. Sometimes we feel creative, other times we don’t. Sometimes we feel blocked. Sometimes we feel tired. Overwhelmed. Uninspired. I think artists and non-artists alike feel these cycles. The difference between those who continue to just do art and those who don’t is just that.

They do it.

Art, and anything else, gets done when you do it. I believe that if we all waited for inspiration to strike before we did anything, most of us would be doing nothing most of the time. At least it’s true for me. Actually, for me, it seems like I am not moved to do anything consistently. There are some rare times I really want to sit and create a layout or make a page in my art journal. But most of the time, I’d rather just sit on the couch and surf the net, watch TV or read a book.

Not because I am lazy but because it’s the easy thing to do. And my body is tired, my mind and soul are too. They all just want to rest and take the easy route out. They don’t know that the easy route is also the unfulfilling one. They just know it’s easy. It requires the least motion, inspiration, and willpower.

This is one of the reasons I’m a big believer in the schedule. I find that if it’s on my schedule, I just do it. I don’t wait to be inspired, excited, or even have an idea. I sit at my table and an idea just comes. And if it doesn’t come, then I pick an art supply I’ve wanted to use and start putting some color on the page. I just start. I do it even if I’m not feeling it.

Same with the exercise. I get up and I am so so tired. I barely can open my eyes and I still get on that stupid treadmill. The first minutes are dreadful, but I always get into it. By the end of the first half-mile, I know I can do it. I just keep going until it’s over. I don’t think about it, I don’t whine, I don’t think about giving up. I just do it.

Same with just about anything else in my life. There are very few things that I seem to consistently want and most of those are bad for me. (Like eating chocolate. I can’t remember a time that didn’t sound good to me.) But when it comes to pretty much anything else, I don’t consistently feel the desire to do it. I just do it.

This is not to say there aren’t times when it’s ok not to do it. It’s perfectly fine to go through a stage where you explore around more and get inspiration from your surroundings, from nature, from other artists. Or change up the routine some. There’s a time for rest, too. Rest is really important. For your body, mind, and soul. They all need rest.

But this is to say, don’t wait to want to do it. Just get up and do it. Take the first step. Even if all you end up with is a colored background, a quarter-mile walk, a few pushups, it’s still better than not taking that first step. Because this way, tomorrow all you’ll have to do is just take the next step. And before you know it, you’ll be all the way there. Wherever there is for you.

The trick is not wanting to do it.

It’s just doing it.

So, get up and do it. Right this moment.

Now.

It is time.