So I’ve been carrying these thoughts around for weeks now. Some of them for months and I originally wanted to make a post for each but I’ve quickly realized that it will never happen. I will postpone it forever. So ,instead, I’ve decided to write paragraphs for each and clump them together. This might be one post or if it’s too long two, three posts. I will just write until I have nothing more to say or I am tired. I hope this doesn’t annoy you. They are not in any order at all.
1. Your Words Come True. Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” I think this statement is very pithy. It shows the power of your thoughts. Regardless of facts, your thoughts play a big part in the outcome of your actions. I firmly believe this holds true of your words, too. If you say you can’t do something, you likely cannot. But the power of words go even further because since they are often outwardly expressed, they end up affecting others around us as well and they start to believe what you say. If you say “I’m fat” enough times, people around you start seeing you as fat. If you tell someone you’re dumb, they stop thinking otherwise. I promise you, it works consistently. The number of times you need say it out loud might differ but words are powerful. They convince people eventually. So it’s better to say things that are empowering instead of defeating. Even if you don’t think you can do it, you can say “I can try.” or “I can give it my best.” That’s what I do with the exercise. I tell myself that I will give it all I have. That I can do it. I don’t always believe it, but I say it anyway. So this is for you, and for me, to remember that words have power. What you say comes true. It’s a way of calling things to yourself. So why not call the best?
2. Being Busy is not Always Bad. I always favor a long todo list. I like being busy and I like doing doing doing. For a while, I worried that this was my way of avoiding some deep issue. That I wasn’t ok to stand still and I would break down if I did. Or something. I am not sure what but it had me worried. And then I had a bunch of time off so I slowed down. A lot. I realized that not having much to do or not doing much didn’t cause me to breakdown. It caused me to be lazy. I sat on the couch and moved very little. I read. I wrote. I watched TV. But overall, I felt sad. Empty. Like I didn’t really have a purpose. I like having purposes. I like a schedule and todo lists. I like deadlines. I like getting things done. Not because I am running away from something but because I love the feeling of accomplishment. Even finishing a tiny task makes me happy. Rearranging my table. Finishing a layout. Whatever it might be. So I decided to stop worrying and feeling bad about who I am and what I do. I can sit still and read for hours and it’s great, but being busy is not bad. It’s who I am and I’m all about embracing who I am these days. So there we go.
3. I am not Fun.Here’s another one I’ve clung on to for years and years. I am not what you’d typically consider to be a fun person. I don’t dance, drink, do drugs, or go out partying. I talk a lot. (A lot!!) but I am much more of a 1-1 person. I prefer deep, authentic conversations. For the longest time, I felt bad about not being fun. When I saw people with lots of friends partying or having fun, I felt envious. But then I forced myself to think of what I am. I am authentic, reliable, loyal, kind, patient, and loving. Helpful. Genuine. I will do anything for the person I love. I read a lot and have a wide range of interests so I can talk about most subjects and have a wide variety of friends. So I don’t drink with them or go dancing. But I am me. And I am here. I think it’s time I made peace with that instead of desperately wishing I was everything I am not. Being consistent, dependable and loyal is nothing to sneeze at in a friendship. Right? They will just have to go drinking with someone else.
4. Sarcasm. I am so so done with sarcasm. I never got it. I think it’s a way to be mean without getting in trouble. It sounds mean, bitter and sometimes even nasty. What’s the point? I think it’s completely overrated. I’d rather have a kind, genuine friend who’s happy. Any day of the week. So if your thing is being sarcastic, I am letting you know now, that I am not going to respond to it. I will not feed it. I refuse to be a part of it. I think it’s destructive. And mean. There, I said it.
More coming next week.
And here are the drawings for this week.
I am still working out the details on how to do each facial part.
Especially the nose. I struggle with the nose.
I am still enjoying these quite a bit. But I am also struggling. Just trying to take it one day at a time and focus on drawing the faces.
Six Portraits a Week is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
You know how there are some days that just get away from you and at the end of the day you wonder where it all went? That’s how today is for me. It started really productive and then just disappeared into air. I can’t remember where all the hours went and now I am left with that empty feeling you get when days like this happen. It’s okay. This, too, shall pass.
Here’s a photo of the big boy putting together his birthday present.
and wearing his crown that he made at school on Monday.
And the little one, not looking at me.
But yet looking out the window. Anywhere but the camera.
I learned another lesson in being careful today. My first instinct is to always say yes and to help out anyone in any way I can. So today I found myself in a situation where I said yes to something and then immediately regretted it. I know from past experience that this immediate regret is a sign I should have never agreed. Normally, I’d suck it up because I like to have high integrity and stay true to my word but this particular instance, I backed out. It hasn’t resolved itself yet so I am not sure how it will work out but I can tell you that the minute I sent the email I felt 100% better. Another sign that it was the right thing to do. I hope that the other party does not resent me forever and it resolves itself smoothly but it’s yet another lesson for me that I need to curb the instinct. I need to let things simmer and not respond right away to anything so that I can make sure it feels right and so I never have to go back on my word ever. It’s terrible to disappoint others. Especially for me. And I hope that it will resolve ok. (As I type this, it resolved itself and it was a wonderfully kind and positive outcome. I feel even better for having done what feels right in my gut even if it meant backing out.)
Tonight’s plan is to do a portrait, art journal a bit and then journal a bunch. And rest. I think my soul and heart are a bit broken from today’s experience so I need to let myself rest and heal.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I had the courage to back out of a situation that didn’t sit well with me.
2. I am grateful that I made another layout this morning. It’s definitely taking a while to get back into the rhythm but I love telling our stories.
3. I am grateful that I am learning to be gentle with myself, especially on days like this.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I’m six {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that we wrote on different kinds of paper at school today (they’re learning about paper and where it comes from, etc.).
3. I am grateful that i put my lego present together.
Now that CHA is passed, I wanted to share some of my The Girls’ Paperie work I made for the show.
Journaling Reads:
Nathaniel, you’re so very lucky that you have two nephews who save their old toys just for you and send them to you regularly. I didn’t think you’d care for those snuggly toys from Jeff because David never did. But you absolutely adored them. Thank you, Jeff!
All products are from The Girls’ Paperie Vintage Whimsy or Mix and Match lines.
Details:
I’ve wanted to read The Gifts of Imperfection ever since I finished Brene’s previous book and heard about this one coming out. As soon as I got my hands on it, I wanted to read all of it. But I knew I was going to cherish it so much that I forced myself to take my time with it.
And it was so worth it.
This book is a treasure. I’ve dog eared so many of its pages. I’ve watched all of Brene’s talks and even joined her Webinar and I still had so much more to learn from this book. I cannot say enough good things about it. Go get it.
You will not regret it.
My big boy turned SIX today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID!!!
He started his birthday by waking up at 4am and coming in to my room to tell me he had a bloody nose. We cleaned it up and got him back to bed but I couldn’t fall asleep. So I just lay there until it was time to get up. Jake was taking the morning off so that we could celebrate so we all got dressed and went to the local pancake house.
The kids colored while waiting for mickey pancakes.
Nathaniel imitated his brother of course.
My three boys. They are truly my favorite people in the universe.
I completely forgot to take photos when the pancake came with the candle but we had a great time. We then went to David’s school where Nathaniel went right to the books.
Jake read David’s book to the class. David chose “A Visitor for Bear” which was his favorite for a long while. It’s a book we used to read to Nathaniel together.
I tried to snap another shot of the boys but the birthday boy wasn’t accommodating!
The three of us then left and Jake went off to work while I struggled to wake up more. Once I did, I exercised and then listened to the new lessons for Soul Restoration. This one will require pages of journaling before I do the art. Then I worked a bunch as Nathaniel didn’t nap and then napped. We then went to collect David from the bus.
When David came home, he got his first present. Which was a lego set he really wanted. He was happy happy happy.
While David played wii (another birthday luxury), Nathaniel got to watch his Thomas on the ipod.
Which he is definitely grateful for.
And then it was the end of our day. I can’t believe I didn’t get a candle photo. I will have to make up for it on Sunday when we have his party. At bedtime, he did say that it was the best day ever. So overall I feel good about it. I scrapped a page today which was my first since leaving for CHA. I have about four more to do this week and then another set coming up next week. It felt good to be telling my stories again.
My free class starts on Thursday. I hope you’re signed up. Embrace Imperfection. It’s a small and fun class. I hope to see you there. I also have a webinar coming up for Masterful Scrapbook Design this week. It will be on titles. You know I love my titles.
I also have book club this week. And TMJ doctor. And David has his six year checkup. And we have a tax appointment. And David’s birthday. And I have my BPC class chat on Saturday. Oh, yes, it’s a full week here. Well I am off to draw my portrait. I hope you are all doing well and thank you for the kind comments on my art. It means so much to me to know that I am not alone in my thoughts, worries, personality. So much.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that it was David’s birthday!!
2. I am grateful that I got to make a layout and do my art journal today.
3. I am grateful that I am feeling better. Nothing changed except my attitude.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that it’s my birthday {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that mommy, daddy, and nathaniel came to school.
3. I am grateful that i played wii and got new legos.
Today’s page was week four’s homework for the Soul Restoration class.
This week’s theme is about doing things despite the hardship to one’s soul, heart, life, body, etc. As each time, I’ll just talk some about my personal thoughts and things that came up for me.
I am the queen of “doing it anyway.” I have a deep lack of self-confidence with most things in life. However I just plow through. If there’s one sentence that is common across all the reviews I’ve gotten in my professional life, it’s “Karen gets things done.” I just like to do it. I might feel scared, weak, sad, worried, not good enough but I still do it. I am not entirely sure where the will/drive/power comes from. I think it’s mostly because I really really like getting things done. It makes me feel better than anything else does. So when I listened to this week’s content, I wasn’t sure it was going to apply to me. After all, I am the queen.
And yet.
As each time, I find out more and more things and dig deeper and deeper. This time, as I read the sheets of sentences Melody had written, certain themes stood out to me, so I focused on those particular cases where I felt weak/wronged/sad/lonely/scared/insecure but I did it anyway.
Here are my personal areas:
1. Childhood. For a period of my life when I was in my early teens, I had really terrible friends. They kept treating me very badly. They made fun of me, told me I was ugly, left me out of things, ignored me, ridiculed me, etc. This broke a lot of me and is likely one of the biggest roots of some of my abandonment and loneliness issues. And alas, for this one, I couldn’t really think of something good I did in return. So I picked “She survived it anyway.” And I did. I moved on to make wonderful friends, caring relationships, and more. This is an area that I still do continual work in and will likely keep doing so for a while. I also labeled it “She kept going anyway.” Because I did. I found new friends and a new life.
2. Bad relationship. Many many many years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was suffering and had problems too big for me to solve. He was angry and he hurt me both emotionally and physically. He loved me deeply and yet it was never going to work out. He had too much anger. But while I left him and I know it was the right thing to do, I marked this one as “She saw goodness anyway.” because he was good. He had survived so much and even thrived in his own way. I bear no ill will. And I know he is well now and wish him nothing but the best.
3. Impatience with my Kids. This is a current issue. I find myself getting impatient more often than I’d like. Yelling. Being crabby. Overwhelmed. I am often not proud of the way I behave. I am working on this though. Every single day. Every single time. I try and try and try. So I labeled this one “She did her best anyway.” All I can do is do my best each time. I mess up, I get up and try all over again.
4. Exercise. I wrote about this at length last week but here’s an area where I try every day. I push myself. I am scared, tired, terrified. I have failed at this before. I know it’s going to be a long long long time. I have no idea if it will work. If it will all be for nothing. I am truly scared daily. And so I picked “She stayed on her path anyway.” Because I do. Every single day. I get up and I do it. Despite fear and tiredness and the difficulty.
5. Friendship/Art. I’ve always had the notion that I am too different and weird. As a kid, most of my friends were nothing like me. And I still feel the same way often. My programmer friends think my scrappy side is a bit odd. My arty friends do not relate to my super-orderly, very scheduled, organized personality. I often feel like an outsider and like the weird one. I feel like I am not creative enough. Not interesting enough. I don’t have that “thing” all the artsy people have. The idea-oriented personality. I am more fact and schedule driven. I often feel odd and outside. So for this one, I labeled “She kept creating anyway.” That’s what I am doing with all these art journals and drawing classes and everything else. Trying to become more of the artsy I guess.
6. Misc. And then I just took a bunch of the others that really spoke to me, like having too much on my todo list, too many emails, domestically challenged, comparing others’ best parts to my worst ones, feeling under qualified, etc. etc. I labeled that section with “She was happy anyway.” Because I am. Happier than I have ever been in my life up until this moment. I feel content and peaceful most days. Even on my crazy days, I have a bottom layer of contentment. So I am grateful. Thankful and happy.
There we go. Another amazing week. I cannot tell you how powerful this class has been for me. If you can take it when it’s offered again in April, I highly highly encourage you to do so.
Weekly Art Journal is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
So the good news is I did take today off. I woke up and decided it needed to be a personal day. And I spent most of the day doing not much. A little art journaling, some tiny journaling, some email replies, etc. The bad news is that it didn’t really have the desired effect. I don’t feel much better. (Though I do feel a little better.) But I did decide that it’s time to just snap out of it. If it won’t get better by itself, I will have to force my way through this annoying place.
I also completely forgot to take photos until the light was almost gone. So when I tried to snap a few before I gave Nathaniel his dinner, this is what I got.
David, of course, was a lot more accommodating. His very last picture as a 5 year old.
I tried a bunch more times with Nathaniel after giving him some blueberries. He’s looking to the side because Thomas was playing behind me and he’s looking around me to see it. Nice eh?
He wouldn’t stop eating long enough for me to take a photo.
One would think he never gets to eat. But alas, even when he looked right at me, it was while shoving some food in his mouth.
so I just gave up and let him eat in peace.
I’ve already done all of my night time stuff (drawing a portrait and writing some in my art journal) so tonight I think I might journal some more, pick a few books to read, watch some TV and go to bed really early. Tomorrow’s a big day for David.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I took the day off and didn’t chastise myself for not getting too much done.
2. I am grateful that we finished all of David’s class Valentine’s in one sitting. It was super quick and they turned out very cute.
3. I am grateful that I get to go to bed early tonight. A little extra sleep will do me good.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that tomorrow’s my birthday {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I get to play wii tomorrow.
3. I am grateful that i played a game on the computer tonight.
Yes, yes, I know. Crazy long title. This is also from the Twig line from Little Yellow Bicycle. Isn’t that line amazing?
Journaling Reads:
My sweet angel, I loe that you’re such a happy boy and laugh so often. I hope that you will continue to do that for the rest of your life because if you look at life with joy and laughter, you often get so much more out of it and you will have such a good life all because of your outlook. I love you.
Today started calm and relaxed. I didn’t journal but I did do some work on my art journal and I printed all of January’s photos for scrappy pages. I haven’t made a layout in about ten days which is really long for me. But I have some commitments coming up so I wanted to have photos at hand. I then did my exercise and then the most important item on my todo list. So overall I was feeling good already. Then we took the family shots. (Look at Nathaniel enjoying his book.)
When Nathaniel woke up from his nap, we all got in the car to drive to Filoli Gardens but when we got there we found out that it was closed for a few more days. So we went to a nearby diner called Buck’s. I’d already changed my lens which is why Nathaniel looks like he was captured with a fisheye here.
Then we went to Elizabeth Gamble gardens in Palo Alto and Jake’s dad grabbed this of us. If Nathaniel didn’t look like he is about to pass out, it would be great.
I snapped a million flower photos and then took one of the little boy.
My inlaws with David.
And one with both the kids.
Then we came home and it was evening routine time. We were all wiped from the food and then walking in the sun. So the kids went to bed, Jake and his parents went out to dinner (and then airport) and I am lying on the couch, trying to decide if I will do more work. I think I will finish off a few more simple to do items and maybe journal a bit.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I finished the big todo list item on my list (my frog for the weekend).
2. I am grateful that tomorrow is completely obligation-free and I might even take it off work so i can really relax.
3. I am grateful that there’s Glee tonight!
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I went to Meme’s hotel {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I had some pancakes.
3. I am grateful that we went to the garden.
David says:
I liked that Ralph got a sports car and it was nice for Brad to give it to him. I also liked that the paper fixed the lie they told the first time around. I like that Matt scared the relatives away so they left Ralph alone.
I didn’t like when Brad broke the motorcycle by mistake. He didn’t mean to do it and I like that he apologized.
My favorite characters were Ralph, Brad and Ryan. I also like Matt. I like Ryan because he took Ralph to school when he asked him to. I like Brad because he gave Ralph the sports car. I like Matt because scared the relatives away so they left Ralph alone. I like Ralph because he was trying to make sure Matt didn’t lose his job.
And I loved the ending because Ryan’s mom married Brad’s dad and they became brothers!
Reading a book a week with my six-year-old son David is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
Most of the day is a blur today and to add to the crazy I didn’t accomplish anything on my personal list. I did go food shopping and we ordered David’s cake and of course I exercised and journaled too. But nothing else really. David got to play Wii early today because his grandparents were coming later in the day. And, of course, Nathaniel was sitting right next to him.
Then I set up the tripod to take some family shots.
It was super early so we had to use really high ISO and here’s a typical shot of everyone looking in a different direction.
This one is a bit better.
In the afternoon, David did some puzzles with his grandfather.
When we came back from the shopping trips, it was really late so I tried to snap a few more photos before I lost all the light. And Nathaniel smiled at me while I snapped.
David ran into the house and managed to bust his lip as he banged on the trash can (don’t ask….) so you can see that if you look closely (upper lip.)
We were supposed to go out tonight but I am completely wiped and the idea was so so overwhelming to me that I just decided we needed to stay at home. I needed to and I think Jake felt the same way. I am just going to relax and watch TV and make some book lists for myself and maybe work on my art journal a bit. I have to write something but I am not sure it’s possible to do it when i am this tired. Let’s see….
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we did a lot of the chores for the weekend and I ordered all the stuff I needed for David’s birthday.
2. I am grateful that we didn’t go out tonight and Jake was (as always) wonderful about it.
3. I am grateful that if I don’t get anything done tonight or even tomorrow, it will not be a problem. So I can really just relax.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got new Legos {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I put legos together with Papi.
3. I am grateful that we ordered my birthday cake
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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