Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 21

How I shone this week: Last week was another week of a lot of work, a lot of meetings, a lot of being tired. David left for DC on Saturday and I left for Seattle on Monday and came back on Tuesday. By Wednesday night, I was missing him so bad, I couldn’t see straight. It took all my energy to make it to Thursday night. But I made it. I worked hard, I tried to show up in every way so that I could be the best version of me. I am proud of my work but I love my kids so madly that it’s where I want to shine more than anywhere else. 

Things I wanted to get Done:  I walked into this week without a big todo list but then the list grew and grew and I ended up working all night Friday and most of Saturday to get to a good place with my list.

  • Work: I documented a lot more stuff, i have a lot more to do ๐Ÿ˜‰ I made the most of Seattle and definitely made it count. 
  • Vacation: I did not do this, and it was not good.
  • Personal: No exercise this week at all. Did all the glow homework finally. Have a plan for August art. I can’t even remember what I ate this week. That can’t be good, right?
  • Family: Took photos! Spending time with Jake’s parents ๐Ÿ™‚

I celebrate: David being back!!

I am grateful for: my manager. he is so incredibly supportive. i am very lucky.

I nourished myself by: getting a bunch of items done. i feel good about it.

Reflecting on my worries:  nothing happened to David and he had a great time. Flight was on time and I even made it to an earlier flight on the way back. I didn’t annoy anyone so far. I am quite tired. I ate so so. I did the glow homework ๐Ÿ™‚ The class at work was so so but I plan to make the most of it.

I let go of: i try not to have work seep into the weekend but this weekend i got a bunch of personal work to-dos done and i feel good about it.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i am stepping into things at work, trying to be hopeful.
  • mindful: mindful of summer coming and the shift it implies for work/home
  • nourish: i am bummed about the lack of progress here. i have some thoughts but need to spend some more time with them.
  • love: i love my husband who is always so kind, so patient, so loving.

What made me laugh this week: friends at work. i really enjoyed my trip to seattle.

What I tolerated this week: david being gone. a long work week. travel.

My mood this week was: rushed.
I forgive myself for: not going to mom’s night out.
What I love right now: snuggling with my boys.

Here’s to a wonderful week twenty-two! 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 20

How I shone this week: This week Jake was out of the country so I was alone with the kids. Most of the week, this ended up meaning that I worked in the evenings and tried to get ahead of my plans a bit. I got some work done but of course not as much as I’d hoped. I went to work a bunch, I went to Nathaniel’s school, I had coaching clients, I went to a party for Nathaniel and his classmates and then had a 1-1 with a friend and then went to a social event with parents from David’s school. I did math with both of the kids. I showed up. I tried. I also yelled and wanted to give up and felt hopeless at different times this week. But I got up and kept going and sometimes that’s the best shining I can do. 

Things I wanted to get Done:  I did a pretty good job on my todo list this week!

  • Work: I more documentation but I still have a bunch more, of course. I did some meetings and scheduled some more. I feel good about progress here.
  • Vacation: I made no new plans for memorial day. 
  • Summer: I did it! booked both camps for both kids! woohoo!
  • Personal: I did exercise, albeit for a short period. I did a ton of art, I finished OLW and ate some veggies though not as much as I would have liked.
  • Family: Made the eye doctor appointments (amongst many other appointments.) Didn’t go hiking just in case I would be unreachable. And we took family photos!

I celebrate: a long but productive week this week.

I am grateful for: my son’s teachers. his school. for all the experiences he gets to have.

I nourished myself by: some lovely alone time this weekend.

Reflecting on my worries: david, jake and nathaniel are all doing fine so far. knock on wood. they’ve all been having fun! I’ve eaten so-so and only exercised ones. I did journal a teeny tiny bit. Did A LOT of art. I am grateful.

I let go of: being able to get it all done.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i booked a trip to Seattle, I signed up for a class at work.
  • mindful: mindful of the precious time left with my kids this week as they grow up so fast.
  • nourish: so so this week. 
  • love: i love so much and i think i did okay job showing that this week ๐Ÿ™‚

What made me laugh this week: my family. they are my light.

What I tolerated this week: a lot of work this week. two summit days. just long long long.

My mood this week was: tired.
I forgive myself for: not going camping.
What I love right now: warm summer nights.

Here’s to a wonderful week twenty-one! 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 19

How I shone this week: This week Jake was out of the country so I was alone with the kids. Most of the week, this ended up meaning that I worked in the evenings and tried to get ahead of my plans a bit. I got some work done but of course not as much as I’d hoped. I went to work a bunch, I went to Nathaniel’s school, I had coaching clients, I went to a party for Nathaniel and his classmates and then had a 1-1 with a friend and then went to a social event with parents from David’s school. I did math with both of the kids. I showed up. I tried. I also yelled and wanted to give up and felt hopeless at different times this week. But I got up and kept going and sometimes that’s the best shining I can do. 

Things I wanted to get Done: 

  • Work: I did a lot of documentation but have a bunch more, of course. I did some meetings and scheduled some more. I also booked Seattle, woo hoo!
  • Vacation: I made no plans for memorial day. But there’s an event at David’s school and a playdate for Nathaniel, do those count?
  • Summer: So I didn’t book a camp for David but we came to an understanding so we will implement that, so now I only have to book one for him and I still need a plan for Nathaniel for a week.
  • Personal: Exercise sucked, I suck. I did do art though. But I also didn’t do OLW, though I might tonight.
  • Family: I picked up N’s book and we did go hiking. I called the eye doctor but it was closed so I’ll try tomorrow and we took some photos but just on my phone.

Looks like 50-50 this week.

I celebrate: Jake coming back tomorrow!

I am grateful for: all of the bits of my life. my mom. my dad. i am so lucky.

I nourished myself by: going hiking this week.

Reflecting on my worries: i didn’t write enough down but I am going to keep at it. I can make this happen. i am still pretty exhausted but honestly i need to drink water and eat well and sleep a bit more and then we can see. i still haven’t exercised. there might not be solutions but i won’t know until i try. camps will be ok. i did some art! I did some. not all but baby steps.

I let go of: giving myself a hard time. I forgive and i move on.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i signed up for more bold and scary things at work.
  • mindful: i’ve been mindful of the fact that I work a lot more lately. I will give myself grace when I need it.
  • nourish: so so this week. 
  • love: i did so well. and then i failed so spectacularly. but i am trying again.

What made me laugh this week: my friend Kelly and I laughed a lot. I am so grateful for a new friend.

What I tolerated this week: a lot of social events that were hard for me. but i showed up!

My mood this week was: one day at a time.
I forgive myself for: not getting the exercise in gear.
What I love right now: the long, sunny days.

Here’s to a wonderful week twenty! 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 18

How I shone this week: We finally took some family shots so you’ll be seeing a lot of those in this week’s posts. This past week turned out to be much more challenging than I had anticipated. By the end of Wednesday I was completely wiped and I decided to bow out of the work fun event on Thursday so I could stay home and get some actual work done. Which I did! And it was restful-ish. But I ended up working way more this week than was healthy and I’d like to make sure not to repeat that. Though it might have to for a little while longer.  I have had high and low moments this week but overall I did my best, I showed up and kept trying.

Things I wanted to get Done: 

  • Work: Did the newsletters, gave the preso, did the first document and started with yag. didn’t do the other two docs yet but working on it.
  • Vacation: memorial day weekend got too stressful so we’ll keep it lowkey. sydney airbnb all booked, flight to cairns booked, woohoo!
  • Summer: camps not booked, but waiting on some emails.  
  • Personal: exercised none and did no art. meh. but did buy sneakers!
  • Family: picked up one of the books, took photos, went hiking! but no date night!

All in all, I feel good about this week’s todos. I’ve also noticed that knowing I was going to have to write about them today really motivated me to get some of these done! 

I celebrate: going hiking again. i love it.

I am grateful for: family photos. and jake. so so grateful for jake.

I nourished myself by: not going to the all-day event on Thursday. 

Reflecting on my worries: i did get work done, not enough but still some. i finished the booking for sydney, i just have to cancel our hotel now. i didn’t book the camps but it’s ok i think and for when jake’s parents are here, we’ll just take it one day at a time. i didn’t exercise and that does suck. i did many of the todos. i did get tired but didn’t give up (mostly.)

I let go of: doing it all. taking one step at a time here.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i gave a big, bold presentation at work.
  • mindful: i am mindful of the fact that i feel on and off. i’ve been trying to navigate my thoughts and feelings.
  • nourish: more CSA coming this week and I’m excited. I’ve also decided I get to eat a bit of what the kids do so I am hoping that will result in more veggies for me. i also intend to both exercise and do art this week. let’s see.
  • love: i love so many bits and pieces of my life. I love the sun. i love the flowers on my desk.

What made me laugh this week: much laughter friday night while I was volunteering at David’s school.

What I tolerated this week: very long workdays, especially Wednesday.

My mood this week was: exhausted. unsure. grateful.
I forgive myself for: being a work in progress.
What I love right now: the kindness of others. 

Here’s to a wonderful week nineteen! 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 17

How I shone this week: I did a really good job turning things around in my head this week and changing my perspective. I showed up, I listened, I did a relatively good job of balancing between work and home. I showed up for work, I showed up for my kiddos, I showed up even for jake a little bit!

I’ve been thinking a little about how to think differently. Evaluating things in my life. I think it’s been too long since I took stock (I know this sounds ridiculous since I take stock all the time but while I take stock of the day to day, I don’t always take stock of the big things I commit to around work, how I spend personal time, how I volunteer at the kids’ school, how i spend time with kids, how I spend time with Jake, how we spend time as a family, how I spend time with friends, etc. So my plan tomorrow is to break these down a bit and really consider how to spend my time since of course how I spend my time is how I spend my life. 

Things I wanted to get Done: 

  • I so wrapped  Nathanielโ€™s presents and got ready and did the party. woot!
  • No dent (went teeny tiny dent) in Sydney plans and no dent in hotels. maybe this week?
  • I totally helped David with his journal and they won best journal award, woot!
  • I booked some of the kidsโ€™ summer camps. I still have to book two for David and one for Nathaniel, but progress!
  • I did not send newsletters, boo!

I celebrate: Great support at work, Nathaniel’s birthday, David’s TTC being over and their award. Good week!

I am grateful for: my boys. so so grateful.

I nourished myself by: resting this week. I tried to sleep as much as possible and took advantage of no meeting week which meant no working at night.

Reflecting on my worries: i am working on figuring a way forward, it will likely continue to be vague but i am not ready to give up yet. nathanielโ€™s party was lovely. davidโ€™s team did struggle but they still did great. i was semi-unproductive all week but i am ok with that. i am working on letting go. i didn’t journal – i need to think about why- but i did eat well and give myself grace. I am not where iโ€™ve been, i am taking steps forward.

I let go of: hanging on to things. it’s a work in progress but i am working at it.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i have been bold all week, taking chances, trying and trying.
  • mindful: i am still mindful of what i feel and i am also mindful of how i am spending my days, my thoughts, my energy.
  • nourish: the veggies did indeed result in better nourishment for all of us!
  • love: i feel so much love for my family and life this week. so grateful to be here, now, and in this life.

What made me laugh this week: my whole family made me laugh yesterday on the way back from the museum, mostly cause I was so incredibly tired and they were giving me a hard time but we laughed and laughed.
What I tolerated this week: several trips to work and a really really long saturday!

My mood this week was: restful, thoughtful and at times worried but also grateful.
I forgive myself for: being irrational at times. i’m working on it.
What I love right now: i still love the flowers on my desk!! but also the backyard in the lovely weather.

Here’s to a wonderful week eighteen! We are now done with one third of 2017. Here’s onward to a magical two thirds.

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 16

Three ways I shone this week: I will say that while I started the week strong, I basically didn’t really shine the rest of this week. The kids had no school on Monday so we went out, we spent quality time together and I still had some quiet time. But on Tuesday I went to work and the not-good news I was already expecting greeted me and sort of put a damper on my week, even though I’d been anticipating it. Here’s to remembering that mourning in advance doesn’t help not being sad when the news is indeed what I feared it would be. Anyhow. I basically took the time I needed for myself (and am still doing so) to feel what I need to feel here. I did all the regular things I am committed to but I also let myself mourn. Maybe that’s the way I chose to shine this week, by being in my truth.

Things I wanted to get Done: I didn’t get too much done this week to be honest.

  • I did finish buying Nathanielโ€™s birthday presents though they still need wrapping and his birthday is tomorrow.
  • I also bought all the bits for the gift bags for his party.
  • I finished my shine cards.
  • I didn’t figure out a plan for our Sydney vacation but I emailed a friend who can help me.
  • I didn’t book a stitch of summer camps. I know this is a bad thing. I got a gift certificate for Nathaniel for one and I have ideas for both kids but I booked nothing. 
  • I delivered both of the books.
  • I did not send the newsletters.
  • I just sent an email to check on school payments

I celebrate: a wonderful breakfast that lasted 3+ hours with a new friend

I am grateful for: a short hike we took on Saturday. Loved being in nature, loved seeing the kids run around.

I nourished myself by: mostly resting this week. letting myself feel what i feel.

Reflecting on my worries: bad news did indeed continue but i survived it and despite feeling down, i feel very supported and i am not ready to give up just yet. i didn’t journal (except to write the shine cards) and i got some done but not a lot. but it’s all ok. i remembered the books. it was mostly a blah week with some wonderful moments and i’ve learned that life is always some ups and some downs. may the downs not be really bad news even if it means the ups have to be moderate, too.

I let go of: being fake. i decided to just own who i am. always. more on this tomorrow.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: trying was bold. i am grateful i did.
  • mindful: allowing myself to feel the pain and sadness and being mindful of it.
  • nourish: i’ve ordered a lot more fresh veggies this week, i am hoping it will lead to more nourishment.
  • love: despite being sad, i know that i have an exceptional life. i am grateful for every minute of it. and i felt so much love from so many people this week. thank you.

What made me laugh this week: my new friend and i did a lot of laughing.
What I tolerated this week: sadness, vagueness, and not knowing what comes next.

My mood this week was: quietly sad.
I forgive myself for: feeling sad despite all the wonderful things in my life.
What I love right now: flowers on my desk.

Here’s to a wonderful week seventeen!

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 15

Three ways I shone this week: Well this week was all about shining. I did what’s hardest for me: I showed up, I kept showing up, and I stayed present. I am grateful for the gifts of this week. 

Things I wanted to get Done: there was nothing on my todo list this week. I just wanted to be present. And I was. I spent very little time worrying about anything and spent almost all of my time being here,  now. I am very grateful for that.

I celebrate: time off. fulfilling a life dream. the joy my boys had this week.

I am grateful for: time to listen and be true and celebrate others.

I nourished myself by: so much incredible soul food and also incredible food food this week.

Reflecting on my worries: I didn’t let my family down. The camp was amazing, of course. Bad news might still continue, I won’t know for a while. Nothing went wrong. Spring break was amazing for the kids. They had the time of their lives. 

I let go of: getting it right.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: showing up was bold. showing up again was even bolder.
  • mindful: i’ve been mindful of the pain and sorrow we each carry
  • nourish: this was a week of nourishing.
  • love: i love that my wonderful husband made the space to do this for me.

What made me laugh this week: all the wonderful ladies at the camp.
What I tolerated this week: not much honestly. except for not sleeping well.

My mood this week was: tired but grateful.
I forgive myself for: being me. making it harder than it has to be.
What I love right now: being home. 

Here’s to a wonderful week sixteen!

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 14

Three ways I shone this week: There were some challenging moments this week. Moments where it would be easier for me to close and go inward. Moments were I might have chosen poorly. But I tried to remember what it means to shine. I asked myself what I would do if I were choosing to shine. It was helpful to look at life through that mindset. 

  • I showed up for work. Several long days this week both physically and emotionally. 
  • I agreed to help out a new team.
  • I spent several days out in the backyard, choosing to enjoy the sun.

Things I wanted to get Done: 

  • I read all the packets and prepared for committee.
  • I didn’t figure out our summer trip a bit more or find a different hotel, I decided this could wait until we’re back from our Spring Break.
  • I think I finished all my little todos that are taking space on my mind.
  • I’ve been spending time thinking about what it means to shine.
  • I’m packed and sort of ready for our trip tomorrow.
  • Listening more than I talk is always tricky for me. It’s a work in progress.

I celebrate: Spring break baby!

I am grateful for: a little break. i really need some time off and i am heading off to an adventure this week so I am grateful for that.

I nourished myself by: more backyard time. a little more rest than usual.

Reflecting on my worries: I did ok with the packets. my results might indeed be negative but alas. i am still quite exhausted. but i also am so deeply grateful this week.

I let go of: what i have no control over.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: it’s been bold of me not to give up when i desperately want to.
  • mindful: i’ve been mindful of feeling sad. not trying to numb it or bury it but letting myself feel it.
  • nourish: i took some much needed me-time on Friday and took a nice, long bath.
  • love: i love my family with all of my heart and soul.

What made me laugh this week: Nathaniel. he’s my angel.
What I tolerated this week: long, grueling work days. especially tuesday.

My mood this week was: tired, anxious and then sad. but still filled with deep moments of joy and gratitude.
I forgive myself for: things that are outside of my control.
What I love right now: having the sun finally out and enjoying the backyard again.

Here’s to a wonderful week fifteen. Hello Spring Break!

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 13

Three ways I shone this week: Ever since I watched Ali’s video for One Little Word for April, I’ve been thinking about what it means to shine. How do I define it? When do I know I’m shining? How do I know I am shining? What do I look like when I shine? How does it feel to shine? I plan to spend a lot of April visiting these prompts. For now, I’ll say that:

  • I was there to support the little boy during this week which was a tough one for him.
  • I spent time socializing with friends on Friday, relatively new friends!
  • I got to have 1-1 time with each kid this weekend!

Things I wanted to get Done: 

  • I did get some sleep, but honestly still not enough. Though this week is looking a bit more optimistic.
  • I did book us a hotel and have an idea for sub-trip.
  • I paid for the schools. I also filed our taxes! woohoo!
  • Finished Q2 sheets!
  • Ordered some of what David needs for his upcoming trip.
  • Didn’t do so well with the smiling. Well didn’t do terribly but let’s say so-so.

I celebrate: being done with our taxes.

I am grateful for: i know i wrote about my husband last week but i am grateful for him all over again this week and it’s because he not only accepts but cherishes me for who i am. he doesn’t question the choices i make the shortcomings i have, etc. he just celebrates who i am. thank you my wonderful husband.

I nourished myself by: more fresh food. a lot of sitting in the backyard.

Reflecting on my worries: taxes are all done. one more paper to send but really done. thursday was totally ok. i made it through. i made it to book club. amazingly my right knee has actually stopped hurting! I am possibly dropping the ball on many things. so far, nothing bad has happened at work. nathaniel got better, then got sick, then seems to be getting better again.

I let go of: apologizing for what I don’t want to do and offering options i don’t actually want.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i said yes to doing something hard at my son’s school next year.
  • mindful: i’ve been mindful of my mood lately. of feeling my feelings.
  • nourish: mixed bag still. eating a lot of salad and some protein but also still eating plenty of not so great things. 
  • love: i love all the bits of my life so much. i am so grateful for the small things like sunshine in my backyard and the big things like my healthy family and lovely job.

What made me laugh this week: More laughing with Tamara and Allie this week.
What I tolerated this week: it was another week of multiple trips to work. 

My mood this week was: rushed mostly but a calm weekend.
I forgive myself for: being who i am. i am often so hard on myself but that doesn’t really help me change.
What I love right now: i am loving audiobooks so much!

Here’s to a wonderful week fourteen. Hello April.

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 12

Three ways I shone this week: Ok I had a bunch of intentions this week, let’s see how well I did.

  • One is to make sure I sleep as much as possible.
    • I did relatively well at this I think. I’ve continued to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night.
  • Two is to get organized enough to feel like I know all that needs to get done and donโ€™t feel like things are chaotic. 
    • Hmm, medium on this I’d say. I do feel more organized now, mostly because I got a bunch of things done but I don’t think I did the lists I implied in the post above.
  • Three is to follow through with whatever the doctor says to do and to make the few other appointments I will need to make for regular checkups that I know I am behind on.
    • Well I got an Xray and my mammogram. All of which came out clean. Nothing to follow up on except going back if the pain continues.
  • Four is to either book or do all the steps to get ready to book our summer trip.
    • I can’t believe I am saying this but I totally did this one. I got our visas and booked the flights. I still have to follow up with a hotel but I did the very hard (for me) part!
  • Five is to be done with the taxes, at least on our side.
    • This, too, is done. We handed everything over so now we wait to get results.
  • Six is to keep smiling, keep looking for the good, and keep enjoying myself just the way I am.
    • I also made a lot of effort to do this. It was a long and hectic week but I showed up to everything. To work, to social events, to my family, to myself. I did it.

I celebrate: my incredibly lucky life this week.

I am grateful for: my wonderful husband who is always generous in the ways in which he supports me and encourages me and celebrates me. I am beyond lucky.

I nourished myself by: eating more salad and protein this week. and resting a lot of the weekend.

Reflecting on my worries: i so totally booked the summer trip. i finished our taxes. i loved the benefit. i was tired but i didn’t flop. my knees are in fact a bit better and so far i haven’t dropped the ball just yet. i did spend a bunch of time worrying about finishing off stuff today which I wish i’d handled with more grace but I made it through.

I let go of: the story that things aren’t going to work out. i am embracing gratitude instead.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: i showed up to a dinner where i knew no one. it was scary scary scary for me.
  • mindful: i was so mindful today as I observed myself losing my calm and composure. it was really uncomfortable feeling it and doing it anyway.
  • nourish: mixed bag still. eating a lot of salad and some protein but also still eating plenty of not so great things. 
  • love: feeling deeply grateful and moving towards contentment. this, for me, is the very best kind of love. 

What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot with my friend Tamara at the Benefit on Saturday. It was really wonderful.
What I tolerated this week: several trips to work. long long long days.

My mood this week was: on and off a bit early in the week but a strong finish ๐Ÿ™‚
I forgive myself for: losing my calm today.
What I love right now: my full life. the bold steps i am taking in my life in so many areas. 

Here’s to a wonderful week thirteen. It’s almost April! 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 11

Three ways I shone this week: So here we are. This week’s experiment went so-so I’d say. There were parts that worked well, like smiling as much as possible and catching myself when thinking/being negative. I sent messages to people I loved. I said thank you. But I didn’t write things down or dance/sing. I didn’t journal. But that’s ok. It was the first step of many. I intend to continue this experiment for a while longer. I think it’s valuable and I am interested in giving it a try for a bit longer. I did shine more this week in ways that matter to me. I was there for people at work, for my sons, for my husband. I also took time to read, relax and sleep. 

I celebrate: Nathaniel this week. 

I am grateful for: Nathaniel’s good news. For those of you who sent good wishes our way, it worked! thank you so much for your kindness. I am so grateful that my little boy gets to have his wishes come true. here’s to hoping we made the right choice and here’s to hoping this is one of many wonderful journeys for him.

I nourished myself by: resting. i got to sleep in while in Seattle and it was a gift.

Reflecting on my worries: Despite trying not to worry, I spent a lot of Saturday stressed out which was not great. Other than that particular instance, though, I think I did a pretty good job trying to remember what matters most and that worrying doesn’t really help. 

I let go of: I feel like I’ve been living moment to moment a lot lately. Partly because life is so full. I let go of being on top of things this week. I do hope and plan to be more organized next week!

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):

  • bold: I feel like i am getting bolder with work all year. I also did a bold move for my personal nourishment this week so I am proud of myself. And finally I was bold with the kids’ school and with volunteering.
  • mindful: due to the exercise i was doing, i was very mindful of times when I was saying negative things this week. when i was being less than my shining self. it’s interesting for me to see what brings that out in me.
  • nourish: this is a mixed bag. most importantly, i made a doctor’s appointment for my knees finally. they’ve been hurting since Christmas so it’s long overdue.
  • love: i am so full of love and gratitude this week. i’ve tried to make a point of showing it to my kids, husband, parents, sister, nephews and a few friends. i am trying to spread it around ๐Ÿ™‚

What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot in Seattle. A bunch more on Thursday when we got the good news. And a bunch more today when I was at the STEM fair. 
What I tolerated this week: travel. time away from the boys. extra trips to work. knee pain.

My mood this week was: solid for the beginning of the week, hectic thursday, relaxed on friday and frustrated on saturday. in pain today.
I forgive myself for: being a bit crazy on saturday. 
What I love right now: i still love the multi-layered life I have. i love the textures of my life. 

Here’s to a wonderful week twelve. 

Weekly Reflection 2017 โ€“ 10

Three ways I shone this week: I want to be honest so here’s what I am going to say: I don’t feel like I am shining lately. I am still doing things that look like shining to others maybe. Like showing up for my kids day in and day out. Being bold at work. Trying to take a bit better care of myself. Reading a lot. Etc. Etc. but the fact is I know how I feel and what I look like and who I am when I shine. I know what shining means to me. I know what I wanted to have my life look like when I chose the word shine. I know what I wanted to show up in the world as, when I am shining. And I am not there. I am not doing it. I am not feeling it. I am not being it.  I don’t want to pick three ways this week. I know I have small ways in which I shone. I know. I know. But choosing this word, for me was not just about remembering that I do shine in many ways each day (though this is an important reminder too and that’s why I do note the 3 ways each week.) it was more about moving towards a life when I am being my shiny self. I am showing up in the world fully. Fully me. My best self. My unapologetic self. My broken self. My human self. All of me. I feel like I haven’t been doing this. Part of it is about setting expectations a certain way of course. When I set the bar really high, I am bound to fall off again and again and disappoint myself in large ways. And keep having to restart (which I know is often the hardest part.) 

But part of it is also knowing who I am, owning who I am, and also owning who I am not (along with who I don’t want to be.) And stopping the practice of measuring myself against the versions of me I don’t want to be. Ceasing to give myself crap about ways in which I fail to be a person I don’t even care to be. I hope this makes sense to some of you. I do this all the time. I give myself a hard time for not being more social, more of a “playdate” mom, more ambitious at work, doing more with my kids, being a runner, being more involved at the kids’ schools. i can go on and on and on. The fact is, none of these things are things I want to be. I love my work and am passionate about doing a good job and of course I want to be recognized for my hard work but I don’t want to be a VP at the cost of what that would take away from other parts of my life. I don’t really want to socialize. I would like to have a handful of good friends I can rely on and I would love the same for my kids and that’s all I need. I hate playdates (It’s just a fact. Mostly due to the logistics they involve.) I do wish I did more with my kids but I am actually quite involved. I hate running. I wish I were more athletically inclined and I know that I could become this way given enough energy but that energy would have to come from somewhere and I am not at a place where I am willing to do what it takes for that to be possible. I am pretty involved at the kids’ schools and, given the option, I think they are reaching an age where it’s better for me to be involved with them and not the school. Though I’d like to stay involved to at least a certain level and I want to be careful about my choices of where and how to be involved. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these things that I judge myself for. I don’t want to be these people I measure myself against. 

And yet. 

I still find myself judging me. I still feel the unease of “not measuring up” each time I am around people who’ve made other choices. For me, part of “shining” is letting all this go. Being deliberate about who I want to be, the values I have, the choices I will make and then living my life honoring those choices. Fully. Unapologetically. Kindly. Wholly.

I don’t want to feel bad anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to feel less than some random ideal I measure against. And ideal I am not even striving for. All this guilt runs me down and then I am tired and cranky and I make bad choices when I am there. I eat badly, I yell, I contract. This is not my definition of shining. I want to expand.

So.

What do I do now? Well. Step one is owning it. This is where I am. I am beating myself up constantly. I am tired. I am worn out. I drink too much coffee because I am tired a lot. I am in pain, especially in my knees and I use that as an excuse to not exercise (not even for 6 minutes, mind you!)  I eat badly which makes me more tired. I am worn out which makes me yell more. I feel like I have no time so I protect my “free” time like a madman. All I want to do is to read. All the time. So I am owning it. I am not happy with where things are. With who I show up as in the world. I also want to note that of course not everything is terrible. I am still working super hard. I am still showing up for all my responsibilities. I am still being kind to people and I do shining things every day. I am still eating plenty of good food. Not all is lost, of course. I just feel like I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to tell you (me) the ways in which I shone this week when I feel like I am not really owning my word the way I would like to. 

Instead I’d like to start bringing about the change I wished to embrace by picking shine as my word. Even if it takes baby steps. So owning was #1, the reflection part, can’t fix something i don’t acknowledge.

#2 is taking action. More on that on Monday’s post as I think about what I can do to get me there so I can live intentionally. 

I celebrate: having a quiet-ish week this week. it was lovely.
I am grateful for: my manager who has been so encouraging and supportive.
I nourished myself by: getting a mani-pedi tomorrow, the first in over two years. reading. journaling.  
Reflecting on my worries: i worried i wouldn’t do the reflective journaling i wished to do but i did. at least a good amount of it. i did not exercise and that’s not great. i did eat ok, not perfect, but not terrible. emails are just sad and i do need to find a solution but for now it’s ok. i didn’t finish perf but i will tonight. i am still struggling with sleep but i will rest tomorrow to ensure i go into my week of travel a bit more rested. none of the worries i had mattered. things are going to be ok.

I let go of: worrying about work and school. i don’t get to control either decision anymore. i just hope i’ve done my part well and that the universe will answer accordingly.

Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love): I am going to skip this section, too. I think I need to make sure my action plan involves being specific with these core desires. Making room for them in my life intentionally. Thinking about what actions create these emotions for me and making a point of doing them. 

What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot at a Carnegie Mellon event I went to on Tuesday night. It was lovely to be with my friend Manu for a while and lovely to get to talk about my wonderful college days.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of work. a lot of perf. and a lot of beating myself up.
My mood this week was: whiny and tired and grumpy. i can’t stand my own whining.
I forgive myself for: being here. having dropped the ball. being human. i can turn things around. i got this.
What I love right now: knowing that it’s not too late. it’s never too late. oh and I love the san francisco public library, too!

Here’s to a wonderful week eleven, here’s to rebooting!