Family photo day is always the best day of the month.
I spent a lot of time thinking about making the invisible visible today. As I say yes to doing certain things what am I “invisibly” saying no to? How can I make that more visible for myself? What does it take for me to stop the inertia of doing more of what I’ve always done and really leaning into a life of yes.
How do I connect with how it will feel to have done X vs Y so that I can make sure to do more of what I know will make me happy vs what feels comfortable in this moment?
This is a collection of essays. I rarely read a collection of essays, but I’d read Hough’s piece about being a cableman and really liked it so I wanted to see what all her other stories looked like too. And I was not disappointed.
“Most of the time, I figure it’s better to know the universe doesn’t pay out favors for magical thinking.”
Hough doesn’t hold back her punches. The first story takes place when someone blows up her car because she’s gay and then she gets blamed for it and has to have a trial. It’s incredible how messed up how our justice system can work (and in the military nonetheless) and how your life can turn upside down in one moment.
“I’ve learned, if not to expect the worst, to not be surprised by the worst.”
By all accounts, Hough has lived an unusual life. Brought up in a cult, her roots are all over the place and her family is in pieces everywhere. I didn’t grow up in the United States and had never heard of this cult before so all of it was new to me. She writes about it matter-of-factly and not with self-pity or even anger the way you’d expect someone who has gone through all that might have.
“You may think you have friends who’ll help you bury a body. But when the cops show up and flash their badges, your friends will point to bodies you’ve never seen to keep the cops from looking their way. There are only two sides, and when it comes down to it, even those with nothing to hide will side with those who have the power.”
Hough’s pieces are each more incredible than the last and yet they are full of life, wisdom, reality and life. So much of real life. I appreciated her no nonsense writing and found myself feeling incredulous, angry and frustrated at the number of life’s hurdles she’s been dealt.
“Fact is, there are more than two doors, forgiveness or Kathy Bates. The third door is, you don’t have to forgive at all. You can just go right on living your life with one less asshole to deal with.”
I really hope she keeps writing and telling her story.
with gratitude to Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group and netgalley for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
This was such a surprise read. I had heard about it all over the internet and people kept recommending it but I still didn’t really know enough about it to know what to expect. The entire time I read this book, I kept waiting for something terrible to happen. I has this constant anxiety about the other shoe dropping. There would be a big reveal. One of the people would turn out to be this evil/terrible person.
And it never happened.
There are reveals in the book. But honestly, these are real people with real flaws and messed up lives and nothing more than that. Having read so many weird, twisty books, I think I just couldn’t believe that until the book was over.
And it was such a kind, loving, generous book.
I really loved all the minutes I spent with it and find myself thinking about it and smiling even now.
This book messed with my head. I know that was the point, but wow. It was such a different read. I started it and just couldn’t figure out where it was going. I couldn’t connect with the character and felt lost as to why others thought it was so powerful.
And then it started getting under my skin. The grief, the loneliness, the underhanded neglect and dismissal. The cruelty. I couldn’t stop reading. I couldn’t stop feeling. It was strong enough that I felt like I had to numb myself from how this book was making me feel.
And the ending. that ending.
In the end, it wasn’t about the mystery. Of course not. I will remember the way this book made me feel for quite some time.
If you’re looking for a fast, fun read, this might do the trick for you. It’s lightweight, reasonably predictable, and fun. I find that books like these, in between heavier or grittier books are exactly what I need. Quick, enjoyable, fun.
Weekly Intention: My weekly intention this week is to go back to journaling and art. And to disconnect for the few days I will be taking off.
This month’s intention is:February: Yes to the Unknown: Be open to new things this month. Listen more, watch others. Be willing to take some steps into the unknown and assume the best. Be brave. I like some of these provocations here, I want to listen more and be open to new things. Have to figure out how to do that better.
One way I will leap this week: A small getaway this week might be my best leap.
One boundary I will set this week: I am going to try hard not to work while on vacation.
One area where I will go deeper this week: Maybe more journaling again if I am lucky.
What do I need to sit with this week? i still didn’t do this: the stories I am telling myself. I want to write them down.
I am looking forward to: vacation, time off.
Focus onCore Desired Feelings (lighter, kinder, enough, magic, wild): this week looking for a little magic
This week’s challenges: getting a lot of work done in just two days will be tough.
Top Goals:
Work: make it through nbu review is my main goal this week.
Personal: get back to drawing and journaling
Family: take walks with J. do one thing with N and do one thing with D.
This week, I want to remember: we make our own magic.
No matter how much I want to curl up in bed (which is forever!) climbing outside is always 1000 times better than the couch. Exercise, fresh air, togetherness.
The Best Part of this Week: The best part of this week was big boy’s 16th birthday!
I celebrate: my sweet, wonderful son. my amazing sister. and my wonderful uncle who all had birthdays this week!
I am grateful for: the three day weekend, they are always perfect for me.
This week, I exercised: I did so much exercise this week! 50 mins of core exercises, 50 mins of arms exercises, 20 mins of other strength classes, 60 minutes on the bike, 40 minutes of yoga, 40 minutes of stretching, and 2 hours of walking and I went climbing!
This week, I said yes to: accepting what is.
I said no to: drawing and journaling unfortunately. I chose to let them go vs stressing myself.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): i was much more peaceful this week and it felt wonderful.
Top Goals Review:
Work: talked to D, worked on helping close NBU, did not write up L convo, did not yet make a plan for L/D.
Personal: continued to tinker with and edit plan
Family: took walks with J. celebrated D. did not really do one thing with either 🙁
My mood this week was: calm and peaceful for the most part.
I am proud of: trying to not let all the work get to me.
I release: all that i didn’t get done this week and all the ways in which i’m dropping the ball everywhere.
Here’s what I learned this week: i own my feelings, my thoughts, my life, and my choices.
My sister who is the most thoughtful person I know. The one who always plans surprises for others months and months and months in advance. The one who is overflowing with so much love that it spills out of her in her kind eyes, tight hugs, and genuine smile.
My sister is one of a kind.
She is generous to a fault. She spoils me and she spoils my kids. She calls my husband her big brother. If you ask her for a favor she will deliver tenfold. She will go out of her way to make you happy and to make you smile.
My amazing sister who has planned one of a kind birthdays and special events for everyone in this family has had to spend her 50th birthday in a pandemic. Which meant we couldn’t be there to hug her and pour our love out to her the way she’s done for all of us.
My mom has worked incredibly hard to make it memorable and she did an extraordinary job. And still I am heartbroken I can’t be with her on this day.
I love you with every inch of my heart Yonuka and I am deeply grateful that you were born. I couldn’t have asked for a better, kinder, more loving sister. How lucky am I?
I spent almost all day in the couch. When I noticed that I was eating the candy and cookies and chocolate at my table, I got up and cooked myself a pound of veggies so I could graze that instead.
I still ate a loaf cake later, too. But it felt good to get some veggies into my system. It also felt good to take a walk outside and it was quite cold so it felt great to take a warm bath when I got back.
I spent most of today watching the impeachment trial and then the vote. I am still fascinated by and grateful that we as citizens get to watch the American government at work. Even if I am not proud of the work itself. The live streaming makes it easier to hold our officials accountable for the actions they take when representing us. I understand and respect that everyone chooses how they spend their time. To me, this was a worthwhile way to spend my day.
Even though I was very disappointed in the outcome.
I can say more but there’s no point.
To ensure I didn’t spiral, I then took a nice long walk and a nice long bath. Self-care all the way.
Yes to showing up and learning about our political system. Yes to fresh air. And yes to baths.
