I’ve been a life-long learner.

If you’ve been a reader of karenika with any regularity this won’t surprise you. Learning is one of my core values. I’m interested in just about any academic subject as well as arts, self-growth etc. In my dream world, I’d be in school for the rest of my life, taking any class that interests me and continually learning new things.

So imagine my surprise when I realized last week that much of my recent grief was coming from situations where I felt like I should know. There were situations at work, with my coaching certification, with being a mom or a wife or even a friend, where I kept judging myself for not already “knowing” the right answers. When I noticed this, I almost laughed out loud. Here I stood, a learner who kept punishing herself for not knowing and thus in her panic and frustration and shame, closing the doors to any possible learning.

I got an email this week from one of the women in one of my book clubs. She was in the middle of reading a current and popular book. She thought it was really interesting and wanted to discuss it with others. So much so that they decided to add in a new date to meet and discuss this book in a few weeks. I had a very specific bias and rant against this particular book and had already decided not to read it. So when I first got the emails, I ignored them.

As each woman in my group replied on whether or not they would attend, one of them said she wanted to come but didn’t want to read the book and would that be okay. The original girl replied with something like as with each time, you’re welcome whether you read the book or not but i will say that in my experience the discussions between those who read it and those who didn’t read it is really different. Then she linked to an article discussing why it mattered to actually read the book vs just talking about the issues in the book.

I am not sure what compelled me to click on it this morning at 4:45am but I did. And I read the whole article. As soon as I finished it, I knew I was going to read the book. Not because it was necessarily a compelling read or that I’d changed my mind about it, but because I realized that I was clearly standing in a specific perspective about the book, the author, the topic and I already had opinions on all. Reading the book from that perspective would have taught me nothing. I would likely have used it to confirm my bias and continue with my already well-developed criticisms on this topic.

Now that I read the article (and emailed back and forth with the person who sent the email) I will read this book with a completely different perspective. I am now curious and open to what I might find. Open to looking at the issue differently. Open to learning.

When I approach something with the idea that I should know it or that I already know it, there’s no room for growth or learning there. There’s only room for judging and criticizing.

For a life-long learner, that seems like a non-ideal space.

So my goal for the next few weeks is to really explore the idea of learning vs knowing. What else am I approaching in my life from the perspective of already knowing or feeling like I should know? What’s the cost of that to me? What opportunities am I giving up when I choose this perspective?

And, most significantly, how do I find my way back to choosing to learn and grow?

I was reading Momastery this morning when I came upon this little snippet:

I feel like I should have some of it figured out for you. I should be well rounded and confident and secure. I should be more like Cheryl Sandberg, really. I just finished Lean In – her new book – and I liked it. Good woman, good book. Lean In is about how we as women need to lean in to our careers and accept more responsibility and not worry so much about balance, I guess. She seems to have a lot figured out – she doesn’t seem tortured by any of it. Me – I’m a little tortured. I know my work is important, and I’d love to keep Leaning In, but mostly I just want to Lie Down to tell you the damn truth. Perhaps that will be the title of my next book.

I have to say that I resonate with this. I worry. I’m a little tortured. I know that worrying isn’t useful and I am working on it. blah blah. But I also know that there will be some of me that worries. And I am learning to embrace who I am. I don’t mean to imply that worrying is a good thing. Or that worrying means I care more. It’s just who I am. It’s a part of me and while I’d like it not to interfere with my life or joy, I am also ok to accept it as a part of me.

I was then listening to a podcast and someone said something like when we meet people who know stuff we don’t know, we assume they know more than we do. I think this is so true. It’s like when we meet people who do different things than we do, we assume they do more not different.

We take what we see in them and overlay it onto our own lives. We don’t realize that they might know these things but not some of what we know. People often reach out to me and ask me how I manage to do all I do. They assume I do all they do plus all I do. I reply and tell them that I don’t cook or clean and that gives me a lot of time they might not have.

This is a crucial thing to keep in mind. I think we are inadvertantly comparing ourselves when we read things or hear things. Not everyone is the same. People talk about what they care about and don’t talk about things that do not matter as much to them. Sheryl cares about women having a place in the workplace and she probably doesn’t care as much about some of the things that might matter to you. I care about making art and not as much about cooking. There are some things I know better than you and other things I don’t know at all. Sheryl doesn’t worry about balance (or maybe she does in some other ways, who knows? In fairness, I haven’t read her book, I am just using Glennon’s quote above as my reference). I do. I decided long ago that it matters to me to be home with my kids, even if I am working and they watch TV more than they should because of it. I am not doing it for them. I am doing it for me.

I’d like to be well-rounded, confident, and secure, too. But I also know that we’re making that assumption about Sheryl because of her book. This might be an area where she is all those things. But there are probably other areas where she is not (and I am.) And maybe she doesn’t care about those.

The thing is we are each very different from each other. We have differing values, schedules, histories, and preferences. And, to add to it, many of us are married to another person who also differs in all these things creating yet a third dynamic of a marriage where there are values, schedules, histories and preferences that might slightly (or wildly) differ from each of the individuals in that marriage. There are a lot of elements at play here and to make a simple assumption that the one, tiny side you see of someone represents them in any major way is just too simplistic.

I have come to learn that no one has it figured out. No one is 100% confident or balanced or perfect. Or even 100% happy. We are all tortured in our own little (or big) ways. When we see others who do not share our particular tortures, we don’t realize they may have a set of their own. We assume the worst of ourselves and the best of others. (by the way, this is one of the reasons I like blogs that tend to be more honest in sharing some of the harder sides of life, they force you to remove your rose-colored glasses when you read the blog.)

Come to think of it, I don’t even think life is about having it all figured out. What would be the point of that? It’s about trying to be here, in this wonderful moment. As Thich Nhat Hanh says during my morning meditation:

Breathing In, I go back to the Present Moment. Breathing Out, I know this is a Wonderful Moment. The moment when I realize that I am still alive. I can touch life. Because to be alive is a miracle. To be alive and to know that you’re alive is the greatest of all miracles. And if you don’t go back to the present moment, you cannot perform that miracle…..This is a Wonderful Moment. In fact, it is the only moment available to me to live

It’s not about being perfect or having it all figured out. It’s about fully being here, right now, and enjoying this very moment.