karenika

Journey into Collage – Week 10

Page ten:

This is another spread inspired by Body Restoration and once again the elements are by Melody Ross. It says “Be kind to everyone, you never know what they are going through.” It’s a simple page. But it helps me remember that when you’re looking at someone, you never know what’s going on inside them and how much they might be struggling. So, it’s best to just be as kind as you can be all the time. You never know; you might make someone’s day. Always, always be kind.

more next week.

Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Remorse

This morning started out lovely enough. David had a few hiccups but we resolved them with kindness and patience. And then the rest of the morning was nice as we ate breakfast together, read our book (we’re reading The Borrowers) and then they played together as I journaled a bit.

But then things got ugly.

As it got time to leave, I asked David to get ready and he started getting snappy. He talked back to me in a tone that’s unacceptable, to me. Even worse, it’s the kind of tone that transforms me from kind, gentle mommy to mean, hurtful mommy. I literally lose my mind.

So as we got ready for the car, I was very upset. The first thing I told him was a list of privileges he would lose for his attitude and then I just kept going and going the whole way to school. Out came the laundry list of things. I couldn’t stop the verbal diarrhea. I said things I am not proud of and things I am not sure he understood. I felt a strong need for him to “get it.” I wanted him to understand that the tone of voice was disrespectful and I wanted him to understand that we make right choices because they’re the “right” choices not because we don’t want to get caught.

I told him he needed to do be able to do what’s right because it’s the moral thing to do.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t getting it. I could tell he felt sorry but I just really needed him to understand so we wouldn’t have to have this conversation again.

He was crying, I was crying. It wasn’t pretty. As I dropped him off, I felt terrible that we were parting this way. I told him not to worry and that we’d work it out and that I loved him.

But the minute he was gone, I felt overcome with shame and worry.

I wanted to run right back in and tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for breaking his little heart. At that moment, nothing mattered except healing the hurt.

I felt so so bad all day that I journaled and then watched all of Brene Brown’s talks. (If you haven’t seen them, I cannot recommend them enough: they are truly life-altering.) And the one-line that kept sticking out to me was this:

The way blame is defined in research is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.

And, if I were being honest with myself, that’s exactly what I was trying to do: release the pain his tone gave me.

But that’s not fair.

Of course, it’s not fair. He’s seven. He didn’t need or deserve my unloading on him. He’s likely not cognitively developed enough to truly internalize half the things I was telling him and expecting of him. He’s just a kid. Not to diminish his abilities, I know he can understand that he needs to be more respectful. But he got that three minutes into our conversation. We didn’t need the other 14 minutes. I didn’t need to yell or get more upset. I didn’t need to unload on him.

Anyhow, so I bathed in shame and guilt and remorse most of the day. And it sucked.

The minute David came home from school, I sat down with him, looked him in the eye, and apologized. The first thing he said was that it was his fault. I explained that while I don’t like that he speaks to me badly and, yes, he needs to work on that, the way the morning went was my fault. I didn’t need to communicate the way in which I did and that while what he did was wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. He’s magical and extraordinary and I will love and forgive and cherish him no matter what. I apologized and asked him to please forgive me.

And he did, of course. Because he’s kind and sweet and has a generous spirit.

His forgiveness gave me the space to forgive myself but not before I made a note to remember how it felt to live with the remorse all day. I told him that I would work hard to bring my best-self into our interactions all the time. And that I hoped he’d do the same. That I would try harder. I would try better. And then I thanked him for talking to me and for forgiving me.

And I wanted to write all this down so I could remember. I said yesterday that I believe the key to happiness (and life in general) is awareness. Writing it down helps me be more aware. Seals this moment in my brain and memory. And I am hoping this will help me remember it next time (before I start seeing black) and allow me to breathe, step back, and remind myself that this is not the person I want to be and the way in which I want to communicate.

I want to remember this remorse so I don’t have to feel it again.

Not so I can shame myself, but just so I can raise my awareness sooner next time.

Or so I hope.

Art Journaling – Fabriano Roma Set 14

Here are last of the pages I did during December:

The full text reads: Make a point to show yourself compassion. You are worthy.

And here’s the first page of January:

The full text reads: You must close one door before you can open another.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: Everyone deserves love and kindness, including you.

And finally here’s a compilation of all the November and December pages:

With that, I closed 2011. Not that there was much difference the next day since I continued to use my loved Roma pages until I was done with them.

More coming next week.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.

Unnecessary Restrictions

I was having breakfast with a friend this morning and she mentioned that she’s been trying to meditate more often. I immediately jumped up and said that meditating five minutes a day was one of the only goals that has been on my todo list for over two months that I never ever get to check off.

When she asked me why, at first I said I really didn’t know why. I said that I had this super-structured day and I just didn’t seem to be able to find a minute to meditate until it was late into the night and then I just fell asleep. But even as I was saying it, I knew it was an inexplicably ridiculous excuse.

I seriously didn’t have five minutes in my day anytime before 9pm?

No way.

As I thought (and talked) more, I realized it was because I had all these restrictions around the concept of meditating. It had to be super-quiet which meant I couldn’t do it anytime the kids were around. I couldn’t do it when I am tired because I might fall asleep which meant night time and right after morning exercises were also out. I had to be calm and there had to be no way I could be interrupted in the middle of it so that left most of my day time out since I work and could be reached on IM or the phone at any moment.

I’d pretty much decided that I couldn’t possibly do it unless I was guaranteed those minutes were going to be completely “zen.” Or whatever my idea of optimal meditation environment seemed to be.

After suggesting some wonderful alternatives, like walking meditation, my friend mentioned that she does her meditation to music. This one song. She also said that her physical therapist recommended she meditate right after doing strength exercises so her muscles can relax.

That did the trick for me. Somehow it enabled me to let go of the unnecessary restrictions I’d placed on this one goal.

I went home, bought the song, and right after my strength exercises were done, I sat and meditated. Just for six minutes. This was the first time I was able to check off the “meditate” box in my todo list in over six weeks. It was quiet cause Nathaniel was sleeping. Work didn’t interrupt me. I didn’t fall asleep.

In fact, I felt peaceful and rested after I was done.

I’ve recently begun investigating all these unnecessary restrictions that I seem to place on my tasks. Sometimes it makes the goal seem so much bigger and more complicated than it is. And, clearly, they do not serve any purpose except to make it harder for me cross off the item.

Today, I have tangible proof that stepping back to analyze your restrictions and the true reason why you’re not accomplishing a task is really helpful. It eliminates the unnecessary and allows you to get to the crux of the issue. You still may not end up doing it but at least now it’s with awareness.

I left our breakfast thinking that awareness is such a gift. It allows me to live my life on a much higher and deeper level. It is something I want to cultivate more and more in my life.

And guess what?

Meditation helps raise awareness.

Life is circular like that. You take the first step and the universe comes together to help you take the next one.

The Savor Project – Week 8

And here’s the spread for week eight.

here’s a closer up of the left side:

The first story here is David and Nathaniel building the city they created on the living room floor. The next one is about my hair. I just got it straightened again and I love it. And the last one is the boys being cute together (I know I have one of these each week but I can’t help myself.) and then there’s one about

And here’s the right side:

All of the right side is from Tiburon. The first story is about the running/racing the boys did as we walked around and they giggled. The second one is just a general story about Tiburon and the candy store and toy store and coloring on the bed and just having a wonderful time.

As usual, the bottom has my art and our weekly family photo and I added one of the three boys.

So there we go. So far, so good. Loving getting to savor these memories again and again.

Happy Savoring.

The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.

A Book a Week – The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I felt guilty about reading so many young adult books in a row so I decided to pick up The First Day of the Rest of My Life and I am so sorry that I did.

I didn’t really like the writing style in this book at all. And to top it all it had two of my least favorite topics (I won’t mention them because they will give away some of the plot but suffice it to say they are miserable things.) And I just felt sad and angry and depressed the whole time. Even with the flippant characters and the funny (not so) articles.

I completely understand that these are real issues and that life is often sad and terrible injustices are done all the time. But I don’t want to read about it. If that makes me ignorant or bad or whatever I am ok with it. I read for pleasure and joy and I like reading books that do not leave me deeply depressed. I do not need more of that in my life.

Sharing Successes

Last night, in my Willpower class, we talked about the social aspects of willpower. Amongst other things, my teacher mentioned how people tend to not want to mention their big successes. We seem to feel like it’s socially not ok to do so. Which is extra bad, since sharing successes actually strengthens willpower and since willpower is contagious, it also helps others succeed, too.

So it’s really crucial to share and celebrate success.

the bigger the better.

I’ve always felt that it’s easier to find rough-day friends than good-day friends. There seem to be a lot of people who are willing to sit with you and commiserate. Or at least listen to you so they get get the details (and maybe feel a little better about their own life). And there are even some who truly, genuinely care and try to make you feel better.

but there are very few who can share the space with your huge successes and not make it about them. One person’s success tends to bring out other people’s jealousy and competitiveness. Weirdly, I’ve always felt the opposite way.

Seeing others succeed gives me hope.

Each time I see someone succeed, whether I know them personally or not, I feel like there’s a possibility for success. Not only do I feel happy for that person, but I just sort of feel more optimistic about the possibility of dreams coming true in general. Like that person’s success has injected hope into the world.

Eh, I am not able to explain it well. But I hope you understand what I mean. The thing is, if someone succeeds, they’re not taking my spot in the world. Their success doesn’t negate the possibility of my success. I believe this wholeheartedly. And on the contrary, I think seeing them achieve it somehow makes the goal more achievable to me. Like it can be done. Seeing someone do it makes it real. Takes it from the “dream” realm and puts it into the realm of “possibility.”

Oh I sure hope this makes sense.

Anyway, I feel like with the benefits to self as well as to community, we need to encourage people to share successes more often. Much more often.

In fact, I would so love it if you shared a recent (or not recent) success with me today. However big or small. I would love to hear it and celebrate your success with you.

Daily Sketching – Week 48

Here are the sketches from last week:

Sunday:

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

that’s it for this week.

Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my steps here.

Unburdening

One of the lessons that came out of my Science of Willpower class was that stress inhibits self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-control. So stress ends up making you want things and shuts down all areas of your brain that can remember your high-level goals.

Which must be why I eat when I am stressed out.

While I believe living a structured, organized life is helpful, I find that stress is not. I think most people equate the two and there are times when that might be true, but it doesn’t have to be so. The more realistic you can be about your day, the easier it is to stick to your schedule and not provoke a stress response. Especially now that I know stress actually shuts down your body, it seems silly to work yourself into a frenzy in an attempt to be productive.

For me, stress often feels like a big bucket of heavy water I carry around. I have to be careful not to spill a drop and my back hurts from the constant load. I know it doesn’t serve me and I know that when I am stressed out, I am not my best self. Which then causes me to do things that upset those I love, which then makes me upset, which, of course, stresses me out.

The loveliest of vicious circles.

So what we discussed in class is figuring out what helps you relieve stress. My friend Caroline likes to run when she’s stressed. While I’ve grown to tolerate running and can even see how it might clear the mind, it will never make my list. One proven item is being in nature. There’s something about seeing the sky and trees that your brain responds to and I can attest that if I can make it out the door to take a walk, I always come back less stressed out.

Other things that work for me are: playing music really loud, hugging my kids tight, journaling, art, and reading.

And I’ve learned something else last week. While I love being at home, sometimes I get stuck in a rut. So, going out to Starbucks and sitting there with my ipad and watching movies from my classes really really lifts my mood. It transports me to a good place and, after a little while, I feel refreshed, and look forward to going home and hugging my kids. So, now, I try to go out regularly. Even if for a little while. It seems to wash away my stress better than anything I can do at home.

That’s my goal this year. To pay attention and regularly take time to unburden my soul. Do whatever I need to, to let go of what doesn’t serve me. If stress shuts down higher thinking then I am absolutely useless when stressed out anyway. Instead of churning and getting myself more and more and more worked up, I need to let go.

Remember that it’s better to take the time, unburden my soul and then tackle whatever it is.

No, it’s not just “better.”

It’s crucial.

Goals 2012

This is a minibook I made for Maya Road for CHA. It basically is a book for me to remember my personal overall attitude goals for 2012.

and there we go.

Letters with Nathaniel – E

As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with the letter E as I did for letter A. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page:

Like last time, w e talked about each of the words and then differentiated between big E and little E. Then we colored all the E’s.

Here he is gluing:

and coloring

Yey for week 5. Nathaniel seems to still be enjoying the process so I am grateful. He loves showing it to David and Jake!

Letters with Nathaniel is a weekly project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Weekly Diary – March 3 2012

I have to say that this week sort of flew by. It felt mostly like a blur. I was grouchy, busy, tired, but now that it’s over, I feel okay. Things came together, as they always seem to and I feel at peace. I took considerably fewer photos this week than usual. Maybe it’s a testament to the blur of a week it’s been. Alas we all had a good week. David started the week with a stomach bug but he recovered quickly. The kids went to school, I worked, I had an online chat, I met some friends, I did some art. Jake, too, worked, had meetings, met friends. And now it’s the weekend and we’re both ready to rest and play and just enjoy the weekend.

And, here are some highlights from last week:

Nathaniel and Daddy playing.

I love these photos with the huge eyes.

And the mischievous grin.

And the all-out laugh.

He’s just so cute.

and here’s David just grinning so we can be done with the photo.

Nathaniel and Daddy again, writing this time.

Nathaniel spent a lot of time drawing this week while I worked.

another shot of the big boy with the blue eyes.

I love this picture. Just so magical for me somehow. I love how it shows how much his little brother looks up to David and how proud of it David is. maybe you can’t see it here but I see all of it in this weird photo.