This page was my version of one of the Body Restoration pages. All the collage elements are by Melody Ross. It says “we all have light and dark thoughts, always choose the light. always.” The left side represents the dark, terrible thoughts we have sometimes. And the right side is the wonderful happy thoughts of who you really are. The trick (the goal) is to always focus on the white. Happy thoughts.
The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
Let me know if this helps and if you have any other questions.
And two small things to mention:
1. I apologize I’ve been exceptionally bad about emails and comments lately, I will catch up soon, I promise.
2. I am in the process of reenabling emails so if you’re subscribed to receive posts over email, you will slowly start getting them again.
Jake and David got an old paper from Alcatraz when they went so I added an 8.5×11 so I could slip it in. That’s what you see on the right:
and then I also added Jake’s Valentine’s Day card in there too:
and here’s the right side of the spread:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is Jake and David’s trip to Alcatraz. Then one about my book club and then one about the kids hugging.
And here’s the right side:
My valentine’s flowers and Nathaniel’s fascination with them. Then David and Jake’s trip to see Phantom Menace in 3D and finally making Valentines with Nathaniel.
As usual, the bottom has my art and our weekly family photo and tickle time photo along the bottom.
So there we go. So far, so good. Loving getting to savor these memories again and again.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
Flat-Out Love just called to me so I picked it up and I must admit that I really really enjoyed the story. There are some twists and turns and I could guess some of them and not the others but even with that I really enjoyed reading it.
I liked the characters, enjoyed the quirks and didn’t mind the writing style.
If you’re looking for a quick, fun read this is definitely on the list. I will look for more from this author. (I’d never heard of her before.)
Many, many years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I will say that it worked like a charm and I lost quite a bit of weight which I kept off until I got pregnant. But Weight Watchers gave me a gift that I think is bigger than the weight loss.
It created a number value for each food.
For those of you who never did it, the way WW used to work (it’s slightly different now) was that you got a number of allotted points each day. Let’s say 18. And then each thing you eat or drink has a point, too. You can basically eat, drink and be merry until you reach the magic number. Of course, it has quite a few subtleties but that’s the gist of it.
So, for a programmer, having a number value associated with food makes life so much easier. For me, the choices became much simpler. The first thing I eliminated was the stuff I like only a little bit but had huge points. For example, pizza. I know some people love pizza but I can take it or leave it. And now that I know how many points it is, I pretty much leave it. Same for muffins. I like them ok but they are so not worth the points.
So my first lesson was to learn about how many things I eat that are just ridiculously bad for me. For things I adore, like chocolate, that might be worth it, but for things I could go either way on, it clearly wasn’t. I’ve pretty much eliminated those things permanently. This only works because I wasn’t crazy about them to begin with and so I never crave them.
The second, and bigger in my opinion, lesson I learned from Weight Watchers was to make my points count.
This is not about choosing a big, whole meal that’s 8 points over a piece of chocolate that might be the same number. (Though that was good to know too. And sometimes I chose the chocolate anyway but at least it was a conscious choice.) But what I learned was making sure that if I was going to eat the chocolate and get the 6 points, I better eat the BEST chocolate I could find. The one I was really, truly going to enjoy. So that every single one of those points counted.
Ever since I did weight watchers, I never settle for my indulgences anymore. I get the best chocolate or the best dessert. I only eat the ice cream that I truly love.
The other day, I was at Starbucks and I’ve been really addicted to their Cake Pops lately. But they were out of the one I like and so I picked another bite-sized dessert instead.
It was terrible.
Someone else might have loved it but I knew that it didn’t fulfill my chocolate need the way the cake pop did and thus I felt unsatisfied. And, worse, I’d just wasted my valuable points (not to mention money) on something that wasn’t delicious. I made a point to remember that next time my favorite item was out, I wouldn’t substitute. (Ahem, instead, I drove to another Starbucks and got my cake pop!)
I think this idea can be applied to many areas of life. Not just calories but time and money, too. You have limited amounts of each. Make sure that you’re spending them on what matters most. Make every little bit count. Don’t settle for the crappy chocolate. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
I want to be clear that I am talking about an apples to apples comparison. I am not saying eat a 32-point cake instead of a 6-point piece of chocolate. I am not saying go on a $5,000 vacation instead of the $200 one. I am saying all things being equal, pick the super-delicious (for you) 6-point chocolate over the mediocre 6-point one.
I am grateful to Weight Watchers for the lesson it inadvertently taught me. So, now, I buy the best chocolate. I go to another store to find the item I really want. I don’t settle and waste my precious points. I only watch the TV shows I love. I only read books that fulfill me. I do art that I love. I commit to things I know will bring me joy.
We all have obligations in life. Things that are out of our control and things that we wish we could do differently. Things we do that we wish we didn’t have to. Things we don’t do that we wish we got to. Much of life cannot be altered easily. But there are bits we do get to control. However small or big. The goal is to make the very best of those moments. To make sure that in the things we do get to control we are choosing to honor our bodies, souls, minds, hearts by making the choice that is truly aligned with who we are. With what makes us happy.
If you’ve been reading here with any regularity, you’ll know that I live a relatively structured schedule. I’ve always thought that the structure allows me to get more things done. As it turns out there is a correlation between “willpower” and “structure.” The more things are scheduled, the less they require use of willpower. You don’t have to motivate yourself to do it. You do it cause it’s the next thing on the schedule. This is also why “every day” works better than “3 days a week.” Because if it’s every day, you can’t put it off to tomorrow. It has to get done today and tomorrow and every other day.
I understand that structure doesn’t work for everyone. I respect that we’re different. But I also challenge you to give it a try. Pick one thing and create a schedule around it. Just for that one thing. It can work like magic. And getting to keep more of your willpower to then use on other things is just an added bonus.
Having said that, I have had times where my own schedule stresses me out. Some days, a lot of unexpected things pile up and I find that my sketch (that I usually do at 8:30am) is still not done at 6pm and I am stressing. At that point, I have two choices: I can let it go or I can let the stress go and just tell myself it’s a choice I made and it will bring me joy to sit and work on it.
Letting it go is the easy thing. Ok maybe not for me. But it still feels like the easy thing. At the end of those kinds of days, I feel wiped and frustrated and all I want is to lie on the couch and watch TV or surf the net.
But here’s the thing….
On the days when I do let it go, I am always bummed when I go to bed. I feel a small feeling of self-disappointment and a big feeling of blahs. For me, TV or net-surfing is like cool-whip (in Melody’s terms): it’s an activity void of soul-lifting. I can do it for hours and I feel just as empty (if not more) afterwards. Whereas if I do the hard(er) thing and sit at my table and sketch, within 15 minutes, I am completely engrossed and by the end I feel more fulfilled and my soul is much happier.
However, there are times when the activity I’ve put off on my schedule is not soul-restoring and/or I am truly wiped and I need to get sleep. So now we’re not talking soul-less web-surfing vs. sketching but sleep vs. something that doesn’t have to get done. It’s on the schedule cause I put it there. I would like to do it but the idea of doing it is causing me a large amount of stress or guilt when instead I really really need the sleep.
In that case, I get sleep.
As a side note, I have learned to prioritize sleep over pretty much anything. Sleep is important for my body and soul and brain.
The idea here is threefold:
1. Structure is good for you. How much structure and what to put on the schedule is up to you and make sure to keep a good balance between encouraging and suffocating.
2. Sometimes things don’t work out and your schedule goes awry. Remember that you created those activities for a reason and remember to choose what lifts your soul over the mind-numbing activities even when you feel you’re too “tired.”
3. If you’re actually tired (and not just being lazy like in step 2) then remember that you created the schedule and you can let it go. Sleep trumps pretty much everything.
Letting yourself off the hook for one day does not mean throwing the schedule out the door. Sleep, rest, and get back in the game tomorrow. We get a fresh start every day.
And if this happens a lot, review your schedule. Change it. It’s yours. It’s there to serve you. If it’s not serving you, change it.
I look at my schedule as a way to give myself permission to do the things I want to do. It’s not my chore-list. I don’t put the laundry or dishes on there. Ever. I put my own tasks. Sketching, exercising, journaling, etc. Things for my soul. In my opinion, even those things can require willpower. Putting them on the schedule gives me permission and allows me to do them without depleting my willpower.
And each time I check something off, I lift my soul up just a little bit more.
This is a layout I made for My Mind’s Eye for winter CHA.
And the journaling says:
Little Nathaniel you are growing up and learning new things every day. One of these things is how to get your way more often. You’re figured out that it breaks our heart to see you cry so when you want something and don’t get it you immediately cover your face and break into tears. We all know it’s fake because if you get your way they magically dry up. But even as we know you
re manipulating us we love you so much that we often give in.
The left side of this spread is a map of Legoland and the right side is an id he got there on the driving course. He wanted to write all over the page so that’s what he got to do. He loves it and so do I.
And the next spread:
The left side has his ribbon of when he moved from level 2 to 3 in swim class. I blurred the name of the school just in case. The right side has some index photos from a 2009 Project Life order I’d put in. Tons of little photos of David.
There we go. That’s all for this week. More coming soon.
David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
I am quite tired at the moment so I will keep this one short. It was another lovely week in the karenika household. David had no school all week so he was home playing, relaxing, and reading. Nathaniel had school only Wednesday and Friday but didn’t get to go Friday because we all left for a two-day vacation to Tiburon. The kids also went to the dentist this week and we ran errands and worked, of course. But the week ended with our vacation in Tiburon and 75degree weather. It was truly perfect and even though I feel wiped now, it was exactly what I needed to get the grouchiness out of my system. I am so thankful.
And, here are some highlights from last week:
David with his long hair.
Nathaniel watching a movie (with no sound).
The boys built a big “city” all over the living room.
The worked on it for two days straight.
It was really sweet to watch them build it.
here are the beginnings. the parking lot, construction, cars.
then there was a break to do some reading.
and then more city building. this special city has batmobiles.
and here it is finished, traffic jams and all.
here’s another point of view, also shows you the graffiti on the buildings and the helipad.
on his one school-day this week, Nathaniel made a crown and he loves it to bits.
the kids posed for some photos for me.
we took our family shots right before we left.
Nathaniel wasn’t in the mood so daddy tried new tactics.
which seemed to work.
then we left for Tibruon. It was just over the water as I’d wished and the weather was absolutely perfect.
the kids snuggled in bed as we relaxed.
as we walked and sat to overlook the wonderful water, the kids ran.
Raced and laughed.
took a little break.
then some more racing.
which the seven-year-old won of course.
we walked around a lot, watched the birds, pelicans, seals, and had delicious meals.
our hotel was right next to a toy store and a candy store. There was a lot of window shopping.
and some fun coloring.
some last minute sightseeing and we were back on our way home.
and here we go. Another wonderful week gone. So grateful for my family. Here’s to a great week next week!
