One of the lessons that came out of my Science of Willpower class was that stress inhibits self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-control. So stress ends up making you want things and shuts down all areas of your brain that can remember your high-level goals.
Which must be why I eat when I am stressed out.
While I believe living a structured, organized life is helpful, I find that stress is not. I think most people equate the two and there are times when that might be true, but it doesn’t have to be so. The more realistic you can be about your day, the easier it is to stick to your schedule and not provoke a stress response. Especially now that I know stress actually shuts down your body, it seems silly to work yourself into a frenzy in an attempt to be productive.
For me, stress often feels like a big bucket of heavy water I carry around. I have to be careful not to spill a drop and my back hurts from the constant load. I know it doesn’t serve me and I know that when I am stressed out, I am not my best self. Which then causes me to do things that upset those I love, which then makes me upset, which, of course, stresses me out.
The loveliest of vicious circles.
So what we discussed in class is figuring out what helps you relieve stress. My friend Caroline likes to run when she’s stressed. While I’ve grown to tolerate running and can even see how it might clear the mind, it will never make my list. One proven item is being in nature. There’s something about seeing the sky and trees that your brain responds to and I can attest that if I can make it out the door to take a walk, I always come back less stressed out.
Other things that work for me are: playing music really loud, hugging my kids tight, journaling, art, and reading.
And I’ve learned something else last week. While I love being at home, sometimes I get stuck in a rut. So, going out to Starbucks and sitting there with my ipad and watching movies from my classes really really lifts my mood. It transports me to a good place and, after a little while, I feel refreshed, and look forward to going home and hugging my kids. So, now, I try to go out regularly. Even if for a little while. It seems to wash away my stress better than anything I can do at home.
That’s my goal this year. To pay attention and regularly take time to unburden my soul. Do whatever I need to, to let go of what doesn’t serve me. If stress shuts down higher thinking then I am absolutely useless when stressed out anyway. Instead of churning and getting myself more and more and more worked up, I need to let go.
Remember that it’s better to take the time, unburden my soul and then tackle whatever it is.
As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with the letter E as I did for letter A. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page:
Like last time, w e talked about each of the words and then differentiated between big E and little E. Then we colored all the E’s.
Here he is gluing:
and coloring
Yey for week 5. Nathaniel seems to still be enjoying the process so I am grateful. He loves showing it to David and Jake!
I have to say that this week sort of flew by. It felt mostly like a blur. I was grouchy, busy, tired, but now that it’s over, I feel okay. Things came together, as they always seem to and I feel at peace. I took considerably fewer photos this week than usual. Maybe it’s a testament to the blur of a week it’s been. Alas we all had a good week. David started the week with a stomach bug but he recovered quickly. The kids went to school, I worked, I had an online chat, I met some friends, I did some art. Jake, too, worked, had meetings, met friends. And now it’s the weekend and we’re both ready to rest and play and just enjoy the weekend.
And, here are some highlights from last week:
Nathaniel and Daddy playing.
I love these photos with the huge eyes.
And the mischievous grin.
And the all-out laugh.
He’s just so cute.
and here’s David just grinning so we can be done with the photo.
Nathaniel and Daddy again, writing this time.
Nathaniel spent a lot of time drawing this week while I worked.
another shot of the big boy with the blue eyes.
I love this picture. Just so magical for me somehow. I love how it shows how much his little brother looks up to David and how proud of it David is. maybe you can’t see it here but I see all of it in this weird photo.
I told nathaniel to give me a smile, and I got this.
and this.
and then finally, this.
this photo, for some reason, just made me think he looks so much like me.
Friday was David’s 101st day at school and they celebrated in style.
and when he came home we took family photos.
tickle time was just right this time.
until nathaniel started punching and trying to reach over.
I still had a blast.
just love looking at these photos.
afterwards, David read his library book. I love seeing how much he loves to read.
and Nathaniel drew a bunch more.
and here we go. Another wonderful week gone. So grateful for my family. Here’s to a great week next week!
This page was my version of one of the Body Restoration pages. All the collage elements are by Melody Ross. It says “we all have light and dark thoughts, always choose the light. always.” The left side represents the dark, terrible thoughts we have sometimes. And the right side is the wonderful happy thoughts of who you really are. The trick (the goal) is to always focus on the white. Happy thoughts.
The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
Let me know if this helps and if you have any other questions.
And two small things to mention:
1. I apologize I’ve been exceptionally bad about emails and comments lately, I will catch up soon, I promise.
2. I am in the process of reenabling emails so if you’re subscribed to receive posts over email, you will slowly start getting them again.
Jake and David got an old paper from Alcatraz when they went so I added an 8.5×11 so I could slip it in. That’s what you see on the right:
and then I also added Jake’s Valentine’s Day card in there too:
and here’s the right side of the spread:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is Jake and David’s trip to Alcatraz. Then one about my book club and then one about the kids hugging.
And here’s the right side:
My valentine’s flowers and Nathaniel’s fascination with them. Then David and Jake’s trip to see Phantom Menace in 3D and finally making Valentines with Nathaniel.
As usual, the bottom has my art and our weekly family photo and tickle time photo along the bottom.
So there we go. So far, so good. Loving getting to savor these memories again and again.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
Flat-Out Love just called to me so I picked it up and I must admit that I really really enjoyed the story. There are some twists and turns and I could guess some of them and not the others but even with that I really enjoyed reading it.
I liked the characters, enjoyed the quirks and didn’t mind the writing style.
If you’re looking for a quick, fun read this is definitely on the list. I will look for more from this author. (I’d never heard of her before.)
Many, many years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I will say that it worked like a charm and I lost quite a bit of weight which I kept off until I got pregnant. But Weight Watchers gave me a gift that I think is bigger than the weight loss.
It created a number value for each food.
For those of you who never did it, the way WW used to work (it’s slightly different now) was that you got a number of allotted points each day. Let’s say 18. And then each thing you eat or drink has a point, too. You can basically eat, drink and be merry until you reach the magic number. Of course, it has quite a few subtleties but that’s the gist of it.
So, for a programmer, having a number value associated with food makes life so much easier. For me, the choices became much simpler. The first thing I eliminated was the stuff I like only a little bit but had huge points. For example, pizza. I know some people love pizza but I can take it or leave it. And now that I know how many points it is, I pretty much leave it. Same for muffins. I like them ok but they are so not worth the points.
So my first lesson was to learn about how many things I eat that are just ridiculously bad for me. For things I adore, like chocolate, that might be worth it, but for things I could go either way on, it clearly wasn’t. I’ve pretty much eliminated those things permanently. This only works because I wasn’t crazy about them to begin with and so I never crave them.
The second, and bigger in my opinion, lesson I learned from Weight Watchers was to make my points count.
This is not about choosing a big, whole meal that’s 8 points over a piece of chocolate that might be the same number. (Though that was good to know too. And sometimes I chose the chocolate anyway but at least it was a conscious choice.) But what I learned was making sure that if I was going to eat the chocolate and get the 6 points, I better eat the BEST chocolate I could find. The one I was really, truly going to enjoy. So that every single one of those points counted.
Ever since I did weight watchers, I never settle for my indulgences anymore. I get the best chocolate or the best dessert. I only eat the ice cream that I truly love.
The other day, I was at Starbucks and I’ve been really addicted to their Cake Pops lately. But they were out of the one I like and so I picked another bite-sized dessert instead.
It was terrible.
Someone else might have loved it but I knew that it didn’t fulfill my chocolate need the way the cake pop did and thus I felt unsatisfied. And, worse, I’d just wasted my valuable points (not to mention money) on something that wasn’t delicious. I made a point to remember that next time my favorite item was out, I wouldn’t substitute. (Ahem, instead, I drove to another Starbucks and got my cake pop!)
I think this idea can be applied to many areas of life. Not just calories but time and money, too. You have limited amounts of each. Make sure that you’re spending them on what matters most. Make every little bit count. Don’t settle for the crappy chocolate. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
I want to be clear that I am talking about an apples to apples comparison. I am not saying eat a 32-point cake instead of a 6-point piece of chocolate. I am not saying go on a $5,000 vacation instead of the $200 one. I am saying all things being equal, pick the super-delicious (for you) 6-point chocolate over the mediocre 6-point one.
I am grateful to Weight Watchers for the lesson it inadvertently taught me. So, now, I buy the best chocolate. I go to another store to find the item I really want. I don’t settle and waste my precious points. I only watch the TV shows I love. I only read books that fulfill me. I do art that I love. I commit to things I know will bring me joy.
We all have obligations in life. Things that are out of our control and things that we wish we could do differently. Things we do that we wish we didn’t have to. Things we don’t do that we wish we got to. Much of life cannot be altered easily. But there are bits we do get to control. However small or big. The goal is to make the very best of those moments. To make sure that in the things we do get to control we are choosing to honor our bodies, souls, minds, hearts by making the choice that is truly aligned with who we are. With what makes us happy.
