In 2002, I taught fifth grade in the South Bronx. I had a very large class and struggled regularly to keep it under control. What I learned in just a few weeks was that I had three types of students in my class: the ones who were quiet even if everyone else climbed the walls, the ones who acted out even if the whole class was quiet, and the ones who went with the flow of the class. The first two groups were always tiny. Maybe three kids in each. This meant that the the amount of chaos in the room at any moment really depended on my ability to have those three “not so quiet” students not act up. Let’s just say I failed more often than I succeeded.
Over the years, I’ve realized that humans in general aren’t very different from my classroom. There are those who have a strong sense of self that just doesn’t get swayed (at least not perceptibly) by the crowd and then there’s the rest of us. The ones who mold, shift shape, accomodate, and go with the flow.
I can’t decide which is better.
Some days, I think it’s good to be the kind of person who can shift so that she fits well into the crowd. This is what makes you a good employee, community member, PTA member, or whatever. Your ability to change and act and prioritize differently in different settings. Not all situations are the same and being able to pick up on the context and adapt accordingly is a solid skill in life.
However.
Well. There’s something so powerful in consistently being who you are. In holding on to your character. Maybe I am not comparing apples to apples here, I am not sure. But I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to be able to be myself more often. I think it comes with a deep sense of self-acceptance.
My husband sent me this video shot at Burning Man the other day. I’ve always wanted to attend the event but it just didn’t work out. He sent it to me to show that I might not like it as much as I think I would. As I watched it, I knew, of course, that this wasn’t exactly the kind of environment I would be into. I am very straight-laced. Organized. Relatively serious. I mostly wear black, gray, blue. I am not what you might consider eccentric in any way.
However I always wished I were.
I watched that video and I wished I was a creative soul, eccentric, not afraid to be a colorful person. I wished I was a more visual, liberated, freer person. The people in the video seemed so free. So…themselves.
But that’s the thing, you see.
Once I stepped back to take a good look. What I realized is that it’s not as much their eccentricity that is alluring (though it is that, too) but it’s mostly their ability to be so wholly who they are. That’s what I want for myself. Just being 100% ok with who I am. Not feeling the need to change my personality to fit in. I don’t mean that in an obnoxious way. Of course, there are orders to different settings and I can behave accordingly. But outside of that, I just would like to fully embrace who I am. My personality. Good and bad. There’s something so magical, so truly wonderful in being 100% at peace with you.
Just as you are.
This is the one a layout I made for My Mind’s Eye January newsletter.
And the journaling says:
There are so many things that I love about you two but at the very top of my list is seeing the two of you laugh together. Even though these aren’t the highest quality photos I’ve ever taken I just love everything about them. I love how you’re lying on the couch together and laughing with so much joy.The two of you just light up every single of my days. I love you.
details:
As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with the letter B as I did for letter A. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page:
Like last time, w e talked about each of the words and then differentiated between big B and little B. Then we colored all the B’s.
Here he is gluing:
and coloring
Yey for week 2. Nathaniel loves showing this book off and I love that he loves it!!
Letters with Nathaniel is a weekly project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
A lot of photos this week and they don’t even cover all the craziness of this week. I am guessing it’s more than usual because Monday was a holiday. Each week I fret I am not taking enough photos and then I end up with too many!! Nathaniel’s school is covering colors and shapes this week but he still doesn’t have them down much. I would worry but I am determined to worry less this year. He’s been a joy to have around. He loves wearing his fireman hat and making “bad guys” out of legos and shooting other legos or people. He’s been playing by himself and entertaining himself quite a bit. Still demanding and getting more and more vocal. David’s also doing great. He’s got a really good best friend at school who came over for a playdate this week and it was wonderful seeing how much they like each other. I am so grateful he adjusted to his school wonderfully. Besides reading and writing and chores, he likes to spend time on the lego gallery so he can look at the kinds of things other people built with legos.
Jake’s work is going well, too and I he is maybe finally recovering from being sick for so long. And I’ve had a busy but great week. I had book club (The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet) and I got to go to Cirque de Soleil Michael Jackson. Both were awesome. I also had to move the site over which sucked but now it’s so so much better.
This weekend is going to be a quiet one. I just plan to be with the kids and work on my savor project and maybe art journal a bit. I’ve been not so great at keeping up with the art journaling lately so I want to see if I can change things up a bit.
Anyhow, here are some highlights from last week:
Nathaniel glueing our letters down.
David working on his book of good memories.
David got this circuit set for Christmas and loves playing with it.
And I love those blue eyes.
Nathaniel found this old old minibook I made and went through all the pages, naming all the letters.
Big boy building cool things.
little boy watching.
nathaniel coloring his letters.
my funny boy.
who always makes me laugh.
more circuit fun.
nathaniel invented his own game with them too.
And then they played together.
when it was time to put stuff away nathaniel was not happy.
but as he always does, he got over it.
and then we took some shots with the hat.
i just love these.
and couldn’t pick one favorite.
cause i love them all.
here is the bad guy lego shooting me.
playing with daddy.
who loves him so so much.
we now take photos right after Nathaniel wakes up from a nap. so we get some of these.
but we still do tickle time!
here’s david and his friend playing and Nathaniel playing with them. they we very kind to nathaniel.
they all made art. when i took a photo of the two boys, nathaniel wanted a photo with his photo too!
and here we go. Another wonderful week gone. Here’s to a great week next week!
Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Hello everyone! If you’re seeing this you’re seeing my site on the new server. Still getting things to work. Come say hi!
And the next page in the “collage” book:
I wanted to make a page that was more collage-y. I don’t think I succeeded. A bunch of tape, paper and rubons on this one. I wrote my journaling on the pink Studio Calico fabristrip but you can’t see it well on the photo.
So far, I can’t say this project is going as I had envisioned. But I know to give things time. More next week.
Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
I don’t believe a marriage is about meeting halfway. It’s not about 50/50. To me, it’s always been 100/100. If both parties give 100% as often as they can, there’s a chance things might work out. Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
So is parenting.
Hard.
One of the things Jake and I started doing a long time ago is following this “one thing” rule. The deal was that I tell him the one thing that matters to me most. The one area where I really really need him to give 150% and do/give what I need. And then for all the other things, I would work very hard to just let them go or work with him through them. Same for him. He got his one thing. This is not to say we don’t have many things we’d both like and that we don’t try to make each other happy in all areas. But this is just to say, if all fails and you feel tired and worn out just remember the one thing. And it also means that for as long as he’s making a genuine effort on the one thing, he’s working on our marriage and I can let the other things go. Because he can’t do it all, all the time. (Same goes for me, of course.)
Over the years the “one thing” has sometimes changed and sometimes stayed steady. But I always keep mine in mind. When I am annoyed cause he’s leaving the dishes on the counter, I’ll remind myself of my one thing and that the dishes don’t matter. Nothing matters. At least not as much as the one thing. And like the bare essentials I mentioned earlier this week, this is my one essential thing. And I keep it close to my heart and soul so I can keep all else in perspective and when life with kids and jobs and homes and cars and all the crap you need to deal with on a daily basis makes you grouchy and unable to keep things in perspective, I have my one thing.
I was thinking today that it’s a good idea to apply that to parenting, too. Just like with Jake, I get to have the one thing I need from my kids and the one thing they need from me. Nathaniel is still a bit too young to vocalize but I talked about this with David a while back and his one thing for now is being “fair,” it matters to him that I am fair across the two boys and in general. And he knows that my one thing is “honesty.” That he tells me the truth no matter what. I know this will change over time, and I will have the conversation with him regularly to make sure we keep up with changes in our lives. And when Nathaniel is older, he gets to have his one thing, too.
I also think it’s good to have the one thing for your own self and your expectations of the kind of parent you hope to be. I can beat myself up about all of the areas where I drop the ball for my kids. Between a fulltime job, schools, personal goals, marriage and many other things, it’s not realistic to think I will ever be the perfect mom (not that such a thing exists anyway.) I will drop the ball all the time. But if I have the one thing that I know I want to always have present, I can do the same thing I do in my marriage. I can hold that close and forgive myself on all others. (Or at least be kinder to myself.)
I decided today that my one thing will be “being home base.” I want my kids to know that I am always there for them no matter what. They can come to me with anything and I will not judge them and I will love them and accept them the way they are. I might scold/punish them for doing something wrong or dishonest. I might get upset. But I will never stop loving them and always be listening with an open mind. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and the gift of truly listening.
That’s the kind of mom I want to be.
So the rest I’m gonna let go. (or at least not grip so tightly) If I can accomplish this one thing. If I can truly have them see that I am there for them and that I am their one person in the world no matter what, well then I don’t care about what vegetables they won’t eat. I don’t care about not wearing the jacket when it’s cold. I don’t care about so many little things that drive me insane today. The play dates I don’t setup. The classes he’s not taking. The lunches that are imperfect. So many little things where I beat myself up. What matters is that when he needs me he knows he can come to me. Always.
That’s the one thing.
Everyday I succeed in prioritizing that, I am willing to let the others go.
Ps: After this post, I will be turning email notifications off for a while. Just to test some things out. Don’t worry, if you get this one, you’re still on the list when I turn them back on. I apologize for the inconvenience. If it helps, I post generally once around 7-8am daily and then once more around 4-6pm M-Th.
Here are the pages I did during November:
The full text reads: Give and Love with All your Heart.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: Fill your life with color.
And here’s the next page:
I dislike this page but I love the thought on it.
The full text reads: We are all connected, You are an essential part of the whole.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: Don’t waste your minutes, life waits for no one.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: Life is short: laugh often.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
Towards the end of 1999, I spent six months in Tokyo for work. I lived in a corporate apartment in Roppongi and walked to work each day. Every weekday I started my day with an hour-long Japanese class. By the time I came back from Tokyo, I could speak Japanese relatively well. I even took some proficiency tests. (Nothing too amazing, mind you, but just enough to get by.)
I was twenty-five.
There are several areas where people seem to think that you either have an inherent ability or you don’t. Learning languages is one of them. So are most artistic abilities. Computers, too. People often tell me that they’re just not built that way. They’re not “good” at languages or good at drawing or technical stuff. Etc.
What they really mean is: I’m too lazy to put in the work.
(I know it’s harsh. I’m sorry if I made some of you mad. Bear with me.)
The things is, yes I am good with languages maybe. I had the good fortune of growing up in a multi-lingual household. I also was required to learn languages at school. My life was surrounded by people who cared and valued language-learning skills. So they prioritized it and so did I. Maybe the early infusion helped and maybe it didn’t. But here’s the real truth about what I did to learn Japanese so late in my life.
I studied.
For hours and hours and hours.
And hours.
I spent hours memorizing the alphabets. The way to write those difficult Kanji letters. All those foreign words that meant nothing to me. I worked and worked and worked to remember them. You can make up a million reasons why it was possible for me to learn this difficult language but I know it would have never happened without all that hard work. And maybe if you didn’t study languages a lot like I had, you would need more hours than I did but the trick to making it work wasn’t my wealth of knowledge. It was mostly hard work.
The one major area my past experience did help me was in showing me that I could do it. I’d managed to learn six languages before I learned Japanese. I had proof that I could do this. Even if none of the languages correlated to Japanese in any way, I’d proven to myself that I was capable of putting the work in and getting results.
So I’ll admit that the past results gave me some confidence but the rest was all hard work. And without the hard work I would have never ever learned it.
Because of this, when people tell me “oh you’re clearly good at languages, I just don’t have that skill,” I get mad. It discounts the hundreds of hours I put in to make it work. It writes it all off with “you’re good at this.”
Same goes for art. In everything I’ve tried to do in the last few years whether it be scrapping, drawing, art journaling, painting, or photography, I’ve learned that what sets the successful people apart is the AMOUNT and KIND of WORK they put in. Maybe it’s less painful for them because they feel passionate but it’s still hours and hours and hours of practice. Same for writing. Same for programming. People only get good by working hard. (The exceptions here are super-rare. Rare enough to not be statistically significant.)
Two things happened this week to remind me of how much hard work it takes to achieve things: One, Jake sent me this video today which reminded me that the athletes work so much more than we do to keep their body in shape. They work. Because to them it’s not about losing a few pounds. It’s about getting to do their passion. So they do what it takes.
And the other one was during my I Heart Drawing class. This class is on drawing fashion figures and I am really struggling. My girls look funny. My lines don’t flow. Things just never work out the way I wish they did. When I whined about it, here’s what the amazing Jane said:
“Of course you need to practice Karenika, we all do. Of course your drawing isn’t exactly as you want it – you are learning. You are meant to be making mistakes remember?! Can I flick a switch and just transmit what I know after years and years of joyful practice?”
See what she says “YEARS AND YEARS OF JOYFUL PRACTICE.” The fact is, the frustration causes me to practice less which, of course, means I don’t improve. She’s been doing this for years. She’s been doing it diligently, joyfully and putting in her hours.
And I haven’t.
So it’s no surprise that I am not “good at this.”
As upsetting as it might be to acknowledge, I’ve come to accept that the only thing standing between me and the thing I want to learn (master, be good at, whatever.) is my willingness to practice.
To put in the time.
Ok here we go. Try two. This the real week one of the project since it’s based on the first week of the new year. Life I did with the November Book I picked some photos from the week that had stories I wanted to tell. I printed them on my little polaroid printer (see link all the way in the bottom for details on my printer.) and then I made my four pages.
Let me show you the spread and then I’ll explain the setup:
This old PL album I have is setup so it has 4 4×6 pockets on each side and 4 3×4 pockets along the bottom on each side. I set things up so that I created my “page” on a 6×8 setup and cut it in the middle to create two 4×6’s and put them in the album as if they are 2ups. So there are two stories on each side of the binder. So the full spread has the four stories I hope to capture each week.
And along the bottom I print 3×4 photos of my art from that week. The sketches, art journal pages, collage pages, etc.
Let’s get into a bit more detail. Here’s the left side:
The first story all the way on the left is about how creative David is with his legos and how he takes ideas from other places and incorporates them into his creations. The one next to it is from our little venture out on New Year’s Day where we went to watch the ducks and birds and planes. Along the bottom you see some of my sketches and an art journal page. I know the art journal page is actually vertical and so, put sideways but I am ok with that.
Here’s the right side:
The first story is about how Nathaniel, David and I spent time playing with markers and stamps and how much fun it was to create alongside them. The second one is about Nathaniel and how mischievous he is when he knows I am trying to take his photo and how much he exudes joy no matter what.
And along the bottom are more art journaling pages and sketches from that week.
So there we go. I love the fact that this book will end up holding not just all of our wonderful stories from the year but also a collection of the art I create throughout the year.
Since this project is story-based and not time specific, there might be some weeks where I have more than 4 stories and other weeks where I have less. I am totally ok with that. I plan to flow with it. Some stories might spill to the following week and some spreads might wait until I have more stories. I am not too worried either since there are so many stories to tell all the time.
For me, the biggest loss in using this format is the flipping and extra layers I was able to add to the book. So I might experiment with that throughout the year. I might have some stories that take up the whole 4 4x6s and some that are just single (instead of the 2-up) but overall I think the 2up is the most consistent setup I will use since it seems to be the most flexible one for me. Let’s see how it works out.
On the upside, not only will this binder accomodate the full year of stories and allow me to also put my art in there but it also means everything is in a page protector so the kids can look through it without worrying about anything falling apart. Which is a big bonus.
There we go. I hope you like my new setup as much as I do and I hope hope hope it continues to work for me.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
I’ve been meaning to talk about holiday reading for a while now. During the holiday season, I tend to read a lot of books. Generally they are either reflection-based or art-related. I tend to save them and then savor them during the holidays. Here are the ones I read this holiday season.
Most of the reading this time around was art books I’d been saving. I did read two (actually three but the other one I will write about separately) books that were more on the reflective side. Two of them were by Sark: Transformation Soup and Eat Mangoes Naked I read her last year during the holidays and I’d liked her so I bought a few more of her books and saved them. I did enjoy both of these and if Sark is your cup of tea, I think you would, too.
Then I read a bunch of art books. I’d been saving How to Make a Journal of Your Life for months. A little book on how awesome it is to keep journals. It covers journaling, sketching, taking photos, and collecting ephemera. It’s small, a quick read, and quite wonderful.
Since I wanted to keep art journals, I’d bought both The Decorated Page and Artist’s Journal Workshop for this purpose. I will admit that I didn’t read them for too long. But I loved both of these. Especially the latter. I loved loved loved that book.
Excellent examples of sketching, drawing, art journaling. Really worthwhile.
And since I was interested in sketching, you knew I was going to have to read at least one Danny Gregory, right? Creative License is one of the best books on sketching ever. Inspirational, lovely to look at, practical and just way too enticing not to read.
If you’re interested in sketching or into sketching, you must not miss Danny Gregory. He’s exceptional. I am confident every one of his books must be amazing.
I also bought 30-minute sketching because I read about it in Junelle’s blog. (Or I think I did.) This is a small book. quick to read and covers mostly watercolors. It’s wonderful. Don’t let its size fool you, there’s A LOT of information in this little book.
And specifically on watercolors I read Keeping a Watercolor Sketchbook. Another incredible book. Brenda’s an amazing artist. Oh to have that talent. This book is in detail, and I’ll be honest, I am still reading it. I just want to savor every page of it and make sure I learn as much as I can from it.
And there we go. Those are some of the books I read during the holidays. Every one of them was awesome. And getting to savor them during the holidays is an extra luxury. Have you read any good art books lately?
When I was in the sixth grade, I tried to change schools. This new school had an entrance exam and was supposed to accept only one transfer, so I studied pretty much all year for this one exam.
On the day of the exam, I woke up with a fever. A high fever.
I remember that I was so sick I could barely hold my head up during the exam. So much so that the monitor came over and told me I had to sit straight (she thought I was trying to cheat, I assume.) I normally tend to finish exams well under the required time cause I go way way fast. And then I review my answers, change a bunch of stuff around, and that’s it.
This time, I had to go very slowly because my attention span wasn’t being cooperative. I took my time with each question and went super-slowly. I finished just about on time.
Since I was so sick, both my mom and I assumed that was it. A year of preparation for one terrible day was such a bad ratio and, alas, I had been unlucky and that was that.
But, of course, that’s not how the story ends.
I got into the school. In the end, they decided to take two people in and I was number two. The girl who was number one (it was a girls’ school) got into another school and chose to go there instead. So I would have ended up getting in even if they only took one person.
Over the years, I’ve thought about that exam a lot. How being sick is what might have led me to getting in. The transfer to that school likely changed the course of my life. I am not sure I would have ended up here in the United States without it (though maybe I would have since I was very personally driven to end up here no matter what.) More than anything, that day was a reminder to me that sometimes when I don’t know how to do it, the universe has a way of slowing me down.
I’ve been quite sick for the last two days. I seem to have come down with a nasty cold and have constant headaches and cannot do much without a lot of effort. Thankfully, this came at the tail end of a long weekend where I was quite productive but still, it sucks to be sick.
And even though I hate what it does to my schedule and my attention span, I’ve also learned to respect and pay attention to what it does to my life. Two significant things: One is that it makes me appreciate being healthy so much. I am lucky enough to be relatively healthy and I don’t really think too much about it. Until I don’t have it anymore. And when I am sick, I can’t even remember what healthy felt like. It seems endless. It is a good reminder to cheer for each day that I am not in pain.
Secondly. being sick gets things down to the bare essentials. The only things that get done are what really really needs to get done. Everything else goes by the wayside. And the world doesn’t end because of it. I find these days to be a good reminder of what is essential. What matters more to me than anything else.
What can’t I let go of no matter what? What is important for my soul regardless of how my body feels?
The bare essentials.
It’s a good reminder to have. Because we often get caught up in all that has to get done. Chores, todo lists, obligations, even personal todo list. Blogs that have to be caught up on. Messages to return. Etc. etc. But in the end most of those things can wait. Some can even wait forever.
The sickness takes away the sense of urgency. It forces you to slow down. It forces you to reconsider what must get done. It forces you to think more carefully.
It forces you to let go.
It’s unfortunate that the universe has to force me to take a break every now and then but, alas, I’ll take a message from the universe no matter what shape it comes in. (Well….maybe not always but that’s another conversation for another time.)
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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