Looking for the Bad

I had a conversation this morning that completely messed up my day. The funny thing is that I was talking to someone who works for me and was answering a question I had. He did nothing wrong at all. He was courteous and did indeed answer my question.

But after we hung up, I felt off. I felt small and not enough.

I felt like I wanted to ask him to explain the answer more deeply but felt too shy (inadequate, small, stupid) to ask. My first instinct was to be annoyed with him. But it didn’t take me long to realize it was all me.

I do this often.

There are times when my view of myself can get so skewed or small that everywhere I look, I only see people saying mean things. It can happen with anything. A coworker forgets to reply to email. A teacher doesn’t give my art feedback. Or even better, she will say nice things and then put an ellipses (…) and I will read into what the dots must mean. No one is free from my negative imagination. My husband, my kids, random person at the grocery store. It doesn’t matter who. Anyone can make me feel tiny during these times.

I have an excellent ability to gloss over the good and zoom in to the bad. It’s as if I am clinging so hard to this belief that I am not worthy that I will use any occasion to feed my belief. If anything is open to interpretation in the slightest way, I will slant it to the negative angle. Absence of information is negative and so is anything that is subjective.

Cheri in my class reminded me of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt today: No one can make your feel inferior without your permission.

I believe this with all my heart. In the end, it comes down to inner strength and self-image. What we believe of ourselves is what we project to the world. People can only make us feel small if we let them.

And when I am in this bad place, not only do I let them but it’s like I’m forcing them. It’s like I am looking for the bad, seeking it, embracing it, encouraging it just to prove a point.

It took me almost all day to realize that it was the phone call that threw off the balance of my day. By then, I’d already found several other ways to feel bad about myself and had spent quite a bunch of time on the couch, pouting and feeling sorry for myself.

As I told Jake about the phone call and how it made me feel, he reminded me that the person on the other side was kind and truly happy to help. He had already told us we could call him as much as we needed. He wasn’t trying to make me feel small and if I had asked him to explain more, I bet he would have. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assumed the worst of him and spent my whole day feeling bad about him and me.

Not to mention all the negative energy that I infused into anything else I did today.

I know that some people always look for the good in everything. People, situations, conversations. Life. I know that people like that annoy others. It feels fake. And maybe with some it is, but I know that with others it’s not. They genuinely have a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if this comes from a healthy dose of self-confidence or a healthy dose of optimism. But, either way, I’d like to be one of those people. I’d like to look for the good instead of the bad.

Imagine the joy this would bring into my life and to the lives of everyone around me.

December Daily – Day Four

And here we are for day four. Today was all about the Global Winter Wonderland.

Here’s the first page. In the pocket below is the brochure with all the different items they had there.

on the back was a photo with a flap. So I made a page with journaling so it tucks under the flap:

and here it is with the flap open. Little photo of all of us with Santa on the corner.

and on the back, I more photos from the event:

and here’s a closeup of the photos:

And that’s it for day four.

Quick Name Plates

This is the second November project I did for Pink Paislee.

It’s a little name tag using the cuttlebug and Mistables and some Coredinations card stock. It’s quite simple to do but I still think it looks elegant.

The first thing I did was to cut a piece of Mistables paper and put it through the Cuttlebug using Fanciful Labels. I had several different label pieces.

I then used my distress inks to color the labels lightly so the pattern showed through.

The next step was to cut a small rectangular piece of the special Nantucket Core’dinations Pack. I put it through the Cuttlebug using the Seeing Spots embossing folder. Here’s how it looked at that point:

The next step was to cut the paper so it was slightly larger than my label and sand it so the white in the “core” showed through. So now I had both my pieces ready:

The last step was to ink around the edge of the diecut label piece and glued it on top of the blue one. I then used some Cushies to add the name on top and I was done! Here it is one more time:

If your guests’ names are longer, the set has other labels. You can also use smaller letters and even put the label through your typewriter.

December Daily – Day Three

And here we are for day three. Today was all about visiting Santa.

Here’s the spread:

left side is photos from the crafts and David’s photo with Santa:

right side is some words and the photo with both kids, as you can see Nathaniel was not a fan!

and on the back, I put our family photo from today:

And that’s it for day three.

Reading with David – The Westing Game

David says:
I gave this story four stars because I thought it was really mean that Westing played a trick on all the heirs.

I thought it was neat that the names he had used the directions on a compass. I liked the way Grace named the restaurants and I like that she owned so many of them. I thought it was smart that Sydelle figured out that the puzzle involved a song. I thought it was neat the Judge figured out who Sam’s wife was and that Sam was trying to get her to be the answer. I thought it was nice that Turtle covered for her sister. And I liked how they created a message board in the elevator to communicate back and forth.

My favorite part of the book is when Turtle figured out exactly what happened and she was the only one who knew the secret all her life and all his life.


Reading a book a week with my six-year-old son David is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.

Us Right Now & Weekly Update – December 3

jake
Jake had an excellent week this week. He worked hard, had several meetings, and did some excellent trading. He’s also been reading a lot lately, mostly Wall Street books, of course. He’s also helped me a ton this week since I had to go to work and I went to the gingerbread house event with David. And last night, we went out since it was the seventeenth anniversary of the day we started dating. I love and adore him so much.

karen
I had a quiet week. Mostly working and doing art and reading a little. I listened to Angle of Repose on audio which was absolutely wonderful and a companion to art. I also went to an offsite with work. It was Bocce and even though I didn’t play, it was fun to be there and I am glad I went. Now that December is officially here, I am starting to make a list of activities for us and also changing my personal routines to incorporate our activities and the time to put together December Daily each day. I love this month so much!

david
David had a great week at school. He brought home and read several of the Treehouse books. He also read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid which he got from the library. He built a circuit at school. He’s been enjoying the family activities we’re doing. I was feeling so grateful on Friday that I decided to make one of David’s big dreams come true and bought us tickets to go to LegoLand during the holidays. He was incredibly happy and jumped up and down quite a bit when we showed him the tickets. I can’t wait to see how much he likes it.

nathaniel
Nathaniel has been talking up a storm. He’s definitely speaking in full sentences now and he’s learning all of his letters at school so he keeps telling me what they are. He’s super-excited about Christmas season, too and loves having his little advent calendar to open each morning. He also loves the twinkle lights I put in his room and falls asleep looking at them each night.

Here are some of my favorite captured moments from this very full week:

my sweet boy.

my other sweet boy.

i just love having the christmas tree behind each of the photos.

terrible photo, but still. David made a circuit this week. It was awesome.

Nathaniel opening his advent calendar.

David opening his.

Nathaniel playing and entertaining himself while I work and David’s at school.

Nathaniel loves touching the tree.

The kids reading together. “The Way Things Work.”

Wonderful art that came in the mail.

David working on the gingerbread house.

and enjoying himself.

our house (before it fell apart.)

David decorating the front yard.

Breakfast with Santa this morning.

Nathaniel was super-scared of Santa. Refused to go anywhere near him.

David, making crafts (he looks sad here but I think he was just focusing.)

Jake played along, too.

Nathaniel did too, of course.

They both focused hard.

My boys.

The daddy and the baby.

and tickle time!

And those are some of the moments from our week. Yet another wonderful week and I am deeply grateful for it.


Us Right Now is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.

December Daily – Day Two

And here we are for day two. This one has a bunch of flaps.

The top layer is an ornament I made for My Mind’s Eye. Coming later this week:

if you open the flap and pull back to the whole page, you see the kids reading a book together on the right and photos from building gingerbread houses on the left:

and then if you lift up the little photo on the bottom left you see some journaling and our gingerbread house:

this is from the night of gingerbread decorating we went yesterday.

and that’s it for day two.

December Daily – Day One

Ok I will start by saying I took these photos four times! The light here is not so great and it was hard to photograph them. So there we go:

For the last three years, I’ve always begun my first page with “and so it begins.” It’s my personal tradition and I wasn’t breaking it this year:

the back of the page is a reminder to keep my word at the forefront of my mind:

So then the real day one start with the first surprise of Christmas which was the advent calendars. Lego Starwars for David and Playmobil Santa’s Workshop for Nathaniel. Neither kid expected it and they were very surprised. I put only the first photo in the front of the kids opening their gifts.

and the back is all the other ones I took with numbers showing order of time. And a few words from me.

and that’s it for day one. simple. but a delightful moment captured and documented nonetheless.

Healthy For Life – Week 48

Well, without really trying I seem to have lost the pound from last week and then more. I have no idea what it is (likely just water) but whatever I’ll take it. I am still going steady. Exercising every morning first thing regardless of how tired, wiped, frustrated I might be. Now that it’s December, I’ve upped it to 2.2 miles a day. It’s hard for me. I have never run this much in my life. But I am working at it.

Day after day after day.

The food situation is not so great. Not that I am eating super-bad or anything but I know my diet is not balanced or super-nutritious. I’ve been lazy and haven’t invested the time into doing it right. One of the things I plan to focus on in 2012 is writing everything down. As cumbersome and annoying (and sometimes embarrassing) as it is I think it will keep me in check more and make me more aware and that’s an important part of the process. And one I didn’t pay enough attention to this year.

Well here we go. one more week down.

and here’s this week’s card:


Healthy for Life is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.

2012 Projects – The Savor Project – The Original Plan

Edited to ADD: I changed this project around a bit since this post. You can see my actual 2012 plan here.

During the month of December, I tend to focus on choosing projects for the next year. I’ve been doing this for a few years and it’s been helpful in keeping me focused and centered throughout the year. Throughout the next few weeks, I will share those projects with you and once 2012 starts, I will be tracking them on the blog regularly.

I’m not tied to these projects and over the years, I’ve wandered away from some of them and finished others. I don’t beat myself up if I don’t end up doing them for the full year. They are meant to be guides. Last year, I gave up on the six portraits a week project after a few weeks but then picked up two new projects which were the weeklong art journals and the daily sketching. So all in all, I ended up doing a lot more art than the one project I dropped.

As you will see, many of my projects this year are ones I’ve had last year or even the year before. If something is working (and working well) I like to keep doing it until I’ve either mastered it or I’m bored of it. I do, however, have a few new projects this year. One of them is what I am calling The Savor Project (in honor of my one little word for 2012.)

One of the things I like to do is to test out my projects before I commit to them for a whole year. My first hope was to do a Remains of the Day journal for the full year. After doing one for December, I decided it was too painful. I also originally meant for this project to be collage-related. But, as I started working on it, it morphed into something else and I am very happy with it. I might end up doing a completely separate collage project, too, but The Savor Project is not that.

So here’s what it is. I bought a Moleskine Sketchbook and altered the cover.

I want to take the time for a side-note here. I actually did this a few weeks after I started using the book. It’s always a challenge for me to cover these for some reason and what I ended up with was after quite a few other layers. I got frustrated and dismayed quite a few times. Then I reminded myself that this would likely end up being one of four (or even more) books I would have for this project in 2012 and this particular one’s cover wasn’t nearly as big a deal as I was making it. To be honest, none of the covers matter. Sure, it’s nice to have a pretty cover but, as with most things, it’s what’s inside that counts. So I just gave up fighting with it and let it go.

With that, here’s what I ended up creating:

I used the image of a clock because savoring is all about savoring my time. Reminding me that time is precious and should be spent on what’s most valuable for me. On the side, I dangled a few crystals and a word from Tim Holtz. Reminding myself to Breathe. I could use that reminder more often.

And here’s the back:

Not my favorite, but we’re letting that go.

So let’s talk about what goes inside. The idea is to create something that’s sort of an amalgamation of Project Life and December Daily. I did Project Life a few years ago and really struggled to keep up with it. Because I already process and post photos here weekly, it felt uneventful and like a chore to have to print them all out and do it again each week for my book. However, I liked the idea of keeping the odds and ends of ephemera that come into our life. I wanted something more creative and the setup I use for December Daily seemed ideal to me. My plan is to create a minimum of four pages a week with photos, stories, ephemera from that week. If I do more, great. But there’s no pressure. For now I am using my Polaroid Printer for all the photos. It’s crappy but quick and convenient. And quality is not my number one concern for this book.

Here are a few sample pages I made in November to illustrate:

Here’s a simple spread from November four. The goal is to tell stories:

That page of journaling comes out and you can read more:

Here’s one from November 7:

And here’s one from November 8:

This one is quite involved as the left page flaps down to tell one more story:

And the right side has a top flap and a tag that comes out from the side and the heart is a journaling tag that also comes out:

this is an extreme example and most of my pages are simpler but it does show how far a spread can be taken:

and here’s an example with ephemera. My jury duty papers:

and our safeway (grocery) receipt from that week:

Those are just some of the pages I’ve done in November. I am guessing that I will take a break during December since I will be doing the December Daily and then resume again in January. So I will share the rest of my November pages with you then and continue to share throughout the year.

This project looks a lot more involved than it is. What I do is sit and prep a bunch of empty pages once a week. Usually takes me about an hour or so. And then I print photos throughout the week when I know I want to tell the stories behind them. Here are some sample prep pages I made and photos I printed:

Then, once a week or so, I sit and match the photos with the pages and write down the stories. I generally add the date and maybe a title. That’s it. If I am really inspired I might add an embellishment. But I don’t mind if it’s super-simple. I then tape the finished page to the Moleskine and I am done! Doing a week’s worth of photos takes me about an hour. (Sometimes two if I get carried away and have too much fun.)

One side note, I generally pick the smaller moments to put in this book. If it’s a big moment or some trend, I save those for my scrap pages. I imagine there will be a few occasions where a story goes here and in a layout but I don’t envision a huge overlap.

The reason this is called The Savor Project is because I choose to write longer stories about little moments in my day where I am filled with gratitude. I think savoring life is all about paying attention to those moments more and more. The greatest thing about this project is that I appreciate my daily life, my simple moments, the “ordinariness” of my life that much more. I cherish these moments more. I am more thankful and aware of everything I have. I get to appreciate my kids, our life, right now. It’s like getting to look back up on the “good old days” while they are still happening. It increases awareness, gratitude, and joy.

Since I process my photos daily, I get to savor the moments as they happen, once again as I process the photos and then a third time when I am putting them in my book. That’s a lot of gratitude!

Art Journaling – Fabriano Artistico – Set 1

Continuing on the thread of using what I have on hand, I had two sheets of Fabriano Artistico Watercolor papers. I had one sheet of hot press(smooth surface) and one sheet of cold press (rough surface). You will see what I did with them over the next few weeks. I haven’t bound them yet and have no idea what I will do. For now, I am just focusing on creating.

So here’s the first set:

The full text reads: Believe in your dreams even if no one else does.

This is another with Julie’s face stencils. I used pan pastels and my fun new stencils.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: Always surround yourself with love.

I used acrylics on this page.

And here’s the next page:

I posted this one a few weeks ago for Julie’s stencil hop, too.

The full text reads: It is ok to feel broken. You are not alone.

I used pan pastels on this one.

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: The key to happiness is to look for what’s right in your life.

I’ve been wanting to use this stencil for quite some time. This one is all pan pastels.

Well here we go. That’s the four for this week. More coming next week.

Shifting the Lens

This morning, as I woke up and started writing my journal, I realized that I was still feeling a bit off. Nothing specific was wrong but I felt out of sorts. I spent half the page writing about how I was feeling unprepared for December, frustrated, tired, worried, etc. I wrote that I hoped my December Daily would put me in the mood. I whined and whined.

Then I stopped.

I wrote that what I needed to do was to “slow down.” I wrote that if my goal for 2012 was to savor, I might as well start right now. By whining, I was wasting this very moment. I wrote that if I couldn’t do it for one month, I was surely not going to be able to do it for a year.

“Be quiet,” I wrote. “Calm. calm. calm.” (I laugh as I type this because seeing it repeated like that makes it sound not calm to me!) “Today I start to officially savor. Great way to welcome the best month of the year.”

And then my mood shifted.

David was making lunch for both himself and for his brother. He’d asked me if he could and I told him he was welcome to try. He was so excited to do something that I usually consider a chore. His delight made me happy. He did it all and did it wonderfully. I was proud of him and joyful to see him proud of himself.

After I dropped off the kids at their schools, my good mood persisted. I did my daily tasks, tackled work problems, drove to work, went to the offsite, came back home, put up the Christmas decorations outside, put the kids to bed and wrote my newsletter, all in a good mood.

I am smiling as I write this.

Almost nothing changed since this morning. I still haven’t done the many preparations I make for December. I am still behind and tired. But the difference is that I changed my lens. I am not looking at it through grouchy eyes anymore. I am letting it be. I am savoring the good. I am having faith that things will work out and that if they don’t, I will adapt.

Because you know what? I always do.

So instead of torturing myself ahead of time or reprimanding myself for being behind, or whining, I chose to pick up a different way to look at things. I believe we all look at the world through a lens. Sometimes it’s rosy and other times it’s gray. Sometimes it goes back and forth in a day. But almost all the time we have the choice. We can pick up the lens we want.

We have a lot more choice than we might like to admit. And today, I chose to let the gray one go. I chose to let myself off the hook. I chose to stop whining and start savoring.

And, today, it made all the difference.