
I had a conversation this morning that completely messed up my day. The funny thing is that I was talking to someone who works for me and was answering a question I had. He did nothing wrong at all. He was courteous and did indeed answer my question.
But after we hung up, I felt off. I felt small and not enough.
I felt like I wanted to ask him to explain the answer more deeply but felt too shy (inadequate, small, stupid) to ask. My first instinct was to be annoyed with him. But it didn’t take me long to realize it was all me.
I do this often.
There are times when my view of myself can get so skewed or small that everywhere I look, I only see people saying mean things. It can happen with anything. A coworker forgets to reply to email. A teacher doesn’t give my art feedback. Or even better, she will say nice things and then put an ellipses (…) and I will read into what the dots must mean. No one is free from my negative imagination. My husband, my kids, random person at the grocery store. It doesn’t matter who. Anyone can make me feel tiny during these times.
I have an excellent ability to gloss over the good and zoom in to the bad. It’s as if I am clinging so hard to this belief that I am not worthy that I will use any occasion to feed my belief. If anything is open to interpretation in the slightest way, I will slant it to the negative angle. Absence of information is negative and so is anything that is subjective.
Cheri in my class reminded me of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt today: No one can make your feel inferior without your permission.
I believe this with all my heart. In the end, it comes down to inner strength and self-image. What we believe of ourselves is what we project to the world. People can only make us feel small if we let them.
And when I am in this bad place, not only do I let them but it’s like I’m forcing them. It’s like I am looking for the bad, seeking it, embracing it, encouraging it just to prove a point.
It took me almost all day to realize that it was the phone call that threw off the balance of my day. By then, I’d already found several other ways to feel bad about myself and had spent quite a bunch of time on the couch, pouting and feeling sorry for myself.
As I told Jake about the phone call and how it made me feel, he reminded me that the person on the other side was kind and truly happy to help. He had already told us we could call him as much as we needed. He wasn’t trying to make me feel small and if I had asked him to explain more, I bet he would have. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assumed the worst of him and spent my whole day feeling bad about him and me.
Not to mention all the negative energy that I infused into anything else I did today.
I know that some people always look for the good in everything. People, situations, conversations. Life. I know that people like that annoy others. It feels fake. And maybe with some it is, but I know that with others it’s not. They genuinely have a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if this comes from a healthy dose of self-confidence or a healthy dose of optimism. But, either way, I’d like to be one of those people. I’d like to look for the good instead of the bad.
Imagine the joy this would bring into my life and to the lives of everyone around me.

















































































































































