I’ve been thinking a lot lately again and like before I originally thought these would end up as individual posts but I can’t seem to find the time (or more like motivation) to sit and write it all out so I am going to try this quicker version instead.

17. I read a young adult book last week where the main character was in high school and she’s super popular. In the story, the girl is living her last day (she dies in a car crash) and then gets up the next morning to live her last day again (and again and again.) There are many plot points but the gist of it is that several small and big events happen on this one day and as she relives the day she changes events. The obvious part is that the small things we do (or don’t do) have profound effects on others (and us.) But the part that really really blew my mind was completely unrelated. At some point in the story, one of these super-popular girls (let’s call her L) does something mean (she writes something nasty and a girl’s name on a wall which then others copy all over the school.) Later on, as her friend is re-living her days she mentions that L had no ill-will towards this girl whose name she scrawled on the wall. The dead girl tells us it was completely random. She says in all likeliness L was testing a new pen and needed something to scrawl. It’s that random. That’s what struck me. I had a lot of mean friends as a kid and while some might have been a bit personal, most weren’t. They were random, they didn’t mean anything at all. Nothing. And yet, I’ve carried it and lived with it and defined myself around these meannesses for most of my life. I am sure I am not expressing this clearly because I promise you that it was life changing for me. It has shifted me to my core to have this realization and I am still digesting it.

18. Something else I noticed last week is that our dreams constantly shift and change. At least mine do. And it’s important to pay attention so that you don’t accidentally walk into some path that you’re actually no longer interested in. I had this realization because something I wished deeply for a year ago suddenly popped up in my life last week. It was an incredible opportunity, almost as if this person had read my wish list. And yet, when the opportunity came up, I felt no excitement. Actually I felt a little sad because I knew it had been such a dream and here it was coming true and I didn’t really care for it. It felt cumbersome. The important part here is to continually pay attention to the path you are walking to ensure it’s still moving in the direction you intend to move. Things change and if we don’t pay attention we find ourselves on a road we don’t really want to be on anymore.

19. This is a bit similar to the one above but another lesson I learned is that just because someone else is giving you an opportunity doesn’t mean you should take it. For me, especially in areas where I have less confidence, it’s really hard to turn down an opportunity. I always think “who am i to say no?” I feel like I am not qualified or important enough to refuse this person. The more important the person, the harder it is to say no. And, yet, just cause someone wants you doesn’t mean it’s a right fit. Just cause an opportunity came doesn’t mean you should take it. I’ve learned to step back and look at the opportunity carefully, think of the commitment in time, effort, stress and also the rewards and then make my decision. I might be a nobody but my time and effort are still valuable (especially since it means I will not be spending it on my loved ones.) Another lesson learned the hard way.

20. Another book I read this week taught me the lesson of how so many things that happen to me are actually smaller than they seem. The way things work is like this: something bad happens, i decide it means this one thing,from then on anything that’s even remotely related feeds my original idea of what it means and I let it grow bigger and bigger and bigger until it consumes me. For example: let’s say I am a writer wannabe. I send in a story, it doesn’t get picked up. I decide it means I’m not talented. From thereon, any even slightly negative comment on any message board, or from a friend just feeds my story that I am not talented. “She must have meant that I suck.” When I see another friend get published, it also means I’m not talented. It couldn’t possibly mean she worked night and day and submitted ten times more often than I did. Because my story is that I am not talented and I’m sticking to it no matter what. See the signs of self-sabotage here? I create a bad story and then I feed it forever. I realized how when I do this, I am basically looking for opportunities to feed my story. I make everything and anything about me. I don’t have to take responsibility anymore because it’s all happening to me and it’s all part of my story. Whereas if I didn’t have this story/idea, each event would be a single (likely) small and random instance. I wouldn’t even notice some and I would pass by the others. This taught me to pay attention to my stories. To how I am feeding them. To back up and pay attention so I can stop.

Random thoughts are occasional blathering by me. Here are part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4 .