Twenty Fifteen has been a tough year for me, so far. Or maybe that’s not a fair statement. Many things have been going well but I feel like some of the fundamental things that make me feel grounded or feel in charge of my own life haven’t been moving forward the way I’d like them to and that has made me feel like everything is going badly.
I’ve been fretting over this for a few weeks now and all that has done is make things worse. I find that when I am hard on myself, it doesn’t help me get back on the wagon, it just makes me wallow in pity longer and continue to make not the best choices. None of this is news to me. I am well aware of the negative cycle and how self-reprimand doesn’t stop it.
What I don’t know is how to find something that does.
So, last week, I decided to take the advice I often give my coaching clients: be curious.
I decided that instead of berating myself for not being able to get my work done, I would choose to be curious about what’s standing in the way. Curious why the systems that worked for me before were failing me now. Curious about what changed.
The thing that makes curiosity such a better choice is that curiosity doesn’t come with judgement. Curiosity doesn’t mean I am doing it wrong. Curiosity is about exploration. It’s about digging deeper and looking and trying to understand. It doesn’t assume one option is more correct than the other. It’s open to the possibility that maybe what worked before is no longer the best option. It’s open to the possibility of finding a new normal. A new definition of “good” and “bad.” Curiosity is so much more rewarding.
So I got curious. I quieted the voices that were judging me and took a look at my life and what’s getting in the way. What choices I’m making. What’s changed. Etc. etc. I’ve had a lot of changes in my schedule in the last three months and I still haven’t found my new normal. I’ve also committed to a lot more things outside of the house than I usually would. So both of these changes have meant that what was working for me before is not anymore. It’s not that I was doing a bad job. It’s really that it was impossible to continue doing some of the “good” things I was doing in this new life.
This meant that I had to go all the way back to the beginning and make a plan from scratch. A new plan that would work for this life. I bought a planner, I made some pages that contained the things I want to track, and I decided to treat today as day one.
Combined with the curiosity, I also gave myself grace. It was hard to figure out a plan that worked for my old life. It took multiple tries and many changes to get it right. I realized that it would be the same with this plan. I would be starting from day one and it would take several iterations to get it right. I would have to be open to failing. I would have to stay curious and keep paying attention to what works and what doesn’t. And, more importantly, why it doesn’t so I can figure out how to modify it.
So that’s what I did. I made a new plan. I woke up this morning, as it turned out, very sick and very tired. And, before, this would have stopped me from trying anything, but this morning I just did as much of my plan as I could. I was kind to myself. I acknowledged that this was only one of the many days it will take to find my new norm so it didn’t matter if it wasn’t perfect. I am tracking what I do and what I don’t do so I can get a sense of how off base my new plan is. And then I will change where and how I need to make it work.
Here’s to new beginnings. And to staying curious.
This week’s page is one of my least favorites. The left side was my attempt to draw the Tivo remote I’ve used and loved for so many years. It’s hard to do black and watercolor. Well, it’s hard for me. I don’t absolutely hate this one, but I am not in love with it either.
The right side, I really hate. It was for a Sketchbook Skool assignment. It was supposed to be a school memory. I remember this one time when I was at school and we had an eye exam. My eyesight was so bad that I thought this huge A was an E. So I tried to draw that but I do not like how it turned out. The thing with learning something new is that you fail more often than you succeed. And you have to keep going and have faith that things will get better. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
And there we are. Here’s another week.
Fifty-two stamps is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
This year seems to be going by in a blur. If I thought January was like that, February showed me how much more blurry the days can get. So much for feeling more settled. I would say March might do the trick but I am going to Zurich in the middle of March for a week and I am not sure what that will do to my schedule and ability to get back to being organized.
I am finding myself spinning my wheels a lot this year so far. I feel quite out of sorts. I am doing many things I am proud of but I am also not doing some things that I really really want to focus on and that’s making me feel frustrated with myself. I wish there was some trick that could help me get back on some type of routine.
In the spirit of keeping tabs on my priorities and goals weekly, here’s some of what worked and didn’t work this week so far:
Worked Well:
- I feel like I am staying on top of my art/projects for the most part.
- I am trying to go back on the exercise plan.
- I still love teaching math to the boys.
- I’m still spending a lot of time with David and Nathaniel, working and playing.
- We started a daily 30-min reading time together where all 3 of us sit and read quietly.
- I am co-organizing a mother-son book club for David’s class.
- Took David to Orlando!
- We had a lot of fun in Santa Cruz together.
- I did a tiny bit more journaling
- I spent some time getting organized, let’s see if it pays off
Needs more Work:
- All things health and exercise have been on a major decline.
- Still feeling disorganized and not-grounded.
- Also feeling really tired and a lot of back pain, I need to focus on my health a lot more starting this week.
- I’ve been feeling down, sad, disorganized, and frazzled.
Here are a few more photos from the last two weeks:
Two weeks ago was David’s 10th birthday. I wanted to do something special for him so I surprised him by pulling him out of school on the Friday before his birthday and the two of us flew to Orlando to visit Universal Studios so he could see Harry Potter land. Our flight there was delayed by quite a few hours due to high winds at SFO so we sat at the airport for several hours while he listened to music and I listened to my book.
By the time we got in and checked into the hotel, it was 2am. We woke up just a few hours later to make sure we could be there right when the park opened. Here’s David reading the brochure on the shuttle.
My camera was dead on the first day so I took most of our photos on the phone and posted on my instagram account. We started with Diagon Alley.
and then took the train
to Hogsmeade.
the next day, my camera was working so I made him pose by the door.
and everywhere else.
after we were done with harry potter, we went to some of the other fun locations
he liked the comicbook town.
after two days filled with fun and adventure, we got back home and had to return back to life. But only for four days because the kids started their winter break that friday. We were originally going to go to Los Angeles, but I felt wiped from Orlando and really wasn’t ready to go anywhere. So, instead, we decided to have fun locally. We went to Santa Cruz and bowled.
i did quite badly.
the big boys played video games.
they had a minigolf with a section with black light, it was really fun.
it was a really sunny and beautiful day
on Tuesday, we went to see an IMAX movie at the Tech Museum and walked around Santana Row. And then Wednesday we went to see the SpongeBob movie. It was a low key but also fun week. Then it was time to take family photos.
Nathaniel was on a roll.
always smiling.
silly face time.
nonstop fun for the little boy.
and a crazy attempt at tickle time.
and here we are. Another full week. I am so grateful for my life.
Weekly Diary is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Here’s this week’s offering from David:
And yet another card from Ari. Isn’t he awesome?
And one from Nathaniel:
A Window art Nathaniel made in class.
David and Nathaniel’s Books of Happy Memories is a two projects I’m doing with my kids for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Here’s this week’s story:
Title: Solar System Mobile
Story:
One of the presents Jake got for Nathaniel this Christmas was a box of Space Exploration projects. It wasn’t until Nathaniel asked him to help do some of the projects that he opened the box and realized how complicated each project was.
But he’d already promised to help.
So the boys got to work. They picked one of the simpler projects: a solar system mobile.
First they got a piece of yarn and put all the labels for each planet through. Then they tied a picture of the planet below each with a thread. Then, they blew up a yellow balloon to represent the sun. It sounds simple in the three sentences but these steps took quite some time. And then we had the challenge of where to put the finished project.
Jake and I took it upstairs very carefully and looked around Nathaniel’s room to find the perfect spot. As it turned out, we got lucky. We hung it right over his desk.
While the project is lovely, what I love most about this little story was watching the two boys work together. I love seeing how they are both so focused in the photo above. I love how Nathaniel’s not deterred by the difficulty of the task. I love how he wasn’t bored or didn’t get distracted and walk away. And, of course, I love what it taught him about science.
(I learned something, too. I had no idea how different the sizes of each of the planets were. And how much bigger Jupiter is than the others. )
I really enjoy watching the two boys play together and I love playing with them myself, but there’s something special, for me, in watching their dad play with them. Maybe it’s because it’s a father-son moment or maybe it’s because I love them both so much. Either way, these are special moments for me and I cherish every single one of them.
I love you so much, Nathaniel and Jake.
Stories of Twenty Fifteen is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Even though I like lattes as much as the next person, at heart, I’m a tea person. A cup of tea and a blanket to curl up in is enough to make me feel centered and serene. Add a good book to the combination and I won’t move from my spot for hours.
So thankful for simple pleasures in life.
here’s a closeup of the writing:
here is a side look for the shimmer:
here’s to remembering how my cup overflows.
You Choose is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Dreams of Gods and Monsters was the last of Daughter of Smoke and Bone series. One of my all time favorite young adult series. Something so different and the writing so imaginative.
This was the last book and it didn’t disappoint. To be honest, I felt like the high of the first book lasted all the way through for me. I found the whole plotline so unusual and the characters so interesting that I was willing to give the author a lot of the benefit of the doubt.
I loved this one.
For this week’s stamp, I took an idea from my favorite Whole Life Challenge challenge. It was called 1-2-3. You pick six things you want to do on that day. 1 Must Do, 2 Want to Do, 3 Nice to do items. So this stamp has 6 lines. One for each of these.
Here’s what the stamp looks like:
And here’s a closeup of it filled out:
I like this because it’s also reusable for other purposes. I can stamp it and list my 6 todos for the day. or 6 meetings, 6 clients, 6 things to clean up, 6 things i’m grateful for etc. etc. In my case, the top line is for the date, the next line has no divider, it’s the must-do item. the others are nice and want ones.
It can also be used for something i want to do every week day. I could write m, t, w, th, f in the divider sections and my weekly goal on the top undivided line. and the date on the very top. This way I can track how much I run each day, for example.
A fun little, useful one.
Fifty-two stamps is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
For this first page, I started out with Christy Tomlinson’s lesson from Life Book 2014 but then I just totally decided to do my own thing.
I wanted to draw a girl’s face. Something simple with wings and my word for 2015. I wanted a reminder to be brave that week so I just sat and drew her. And gave her some golden wings. I did it all pretty quickly and tried not to overthink it too much.
I loved the end result. Something simple and lovely.
here’s a sideways look to see all the shimmer:
I can never have enough reminders to be brave and to be me.
Note to Self is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Here’s this week’s offering from David:
Another card from his friend Ari.
and here it is when open:
And one from Nathaniel:
Spanish colors rainbow.
David and Nathaniel’s Books of Happy Memories is a two projects I’m doing with my kids for 2015. You can read more about it here.
Here’s this week’s story:
Title: Traveling to Zurich
Story:
When I joined the Transit Team, Holly said it would probably be a good idea for me to visit Zurich sooner than later. I knew she was right, but I was reluctant to and worried about leaving the kids for a week. As it works out, because the flight there takes such a long time, it’s not really feasible to leave for less than a week.
So a week it was.
I booked my flight but immediately started dreading it. Even up until the very last moment, I was not looking forward to it. But, alas, the day came and it was time for me to get on the plane.
The boys drove me to the airport and gave me big hugs goodbye. The plane ride was long, but uneventful. And, before I knew it, I was in Zurich. I found the train to the office relatively easily and the awesome Google Transit directions got me right to my hotel. I took a quick shower and headed off to work.
Even though the first day was a bit awkward and disorganized, the next three days were extremely helpful and very busy. I spent all my days in meetings, coming up with lists of things to do, and connecting with all the engineers.
I spent my nights getting organized, winding down, reading, and resting.
The first three days, I woke up no later than 3am. I was very jet lagged but I still managed to get through the days without a problem. Later in the week, we even went out at night for some socializing.
All in all it was a fantastically worthwhile trip. I felt a lot more connected to the team and good about my job. And the boys? They did wonderfully. We chatted a bit each day and, while I missed them, I was too busy to really worry about anything.
As with most things, the idea of this trip was much worse in my head than how it all worked out in reality. Note to future self: Stop worrying, things always work out.
This photo of the house by the sea makes me happy each time I look at it. To me, the sea is the culmination of all things that I want to feel. It simultaneously makes me feel serene and alive. The sea is also abundant and so very open. I am never happier than when I am by the sea.
Maybe one day, I’ll be lucky enough to have my own little house by the sea.
here’s a closeup of the writing:
here is a side look for the shimmer:
here’s to visiting the sea more often.
You Choose is a project for 2015. You can read more about it here.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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