I was journaling this morning and I realized that there was an interesting pattern in my behavior.

Let’s say there’s an area where I fall short. This can be because I genuinely don’t yet know what I am doing or it’s a case where my expectations are not lining up with my reality. It could be at work where I am not measuring up to some task or it could be on a personal level with the quality of the food I am eating or the way I am treating people I love, etc.

The context is not as important here as the pattern itself.

So there’s this thing that I am not doing as well as I would like to or feel I should.

With some rare exceptions, I almost always know what needs to be done to close the gap between reality and my expectations. Maybe I need more training, a bigger time commitment, better choices, more patience, etc. The fact is I know what needs to be done.

But I don’t want to do it.

Even if I have a wonderful and authentic and valid reason why, what matters most here is that I know and don’t want to do what it takes to make this happen.

Which is okay. I don’t have to want to do everything.

Here’s where things fall apart: even though I know what needs to get done and know that I won’t do it, I also won’t let go of the expectation that it “should” be done. I “should” be able to do it.

So on one side, I won’t do it, on the other side, I won’t let it go so I still feel bad about not doing it.

This is where suffering comes in.

I am continuously giving myself a hard time for something I know I won’t actually fix.

When put that way, it seems obvious that I am creating a no-win situation. And it seems obvious that I should stop doing this.

But I do it all the time. I want things or feel bad about not measuring up to certain standards (often set by me) but I don’t want to do what it will take to make it happen.

So I decided this morning that part of being a grown-up is admitting when this dichotomy exists and actively choosing one side. If I am not willing to do what it takes, I will acknowledge that and then I will let go of the “should.” I will let myself off the hook. I will admit that this must not be important enough (compared to other things I choose to do) and that’s ok.

Whenever I find myself frustrated, disappointed, sad, I plan to ask myself “Am I willing to do what it takes to make this go away?” and if the answer is “No” then I let the feeling go as well.

I know there are cases where things are out of our hands but, for me, most of the time, it’s a self-caused problem. So that means it should be self-resolvable.

Let’s see how I do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about healing lately. It seems to be a common theme across several classes I am taking and as I sat down to write my actions for the One Little Word class, it came to me almost immediately. I had this image of carrying around a lot of dead weight. I wrote:

release.

I think that’s what I want to do. I feel like shedding. I feel like I’ve been carrying all this stuff for this long and maybe I am ready to put it all down. And when I thought about it, putting it down didn’t even seem enough. It had to be shed. Putting down implied I might pick it up again.

But I have no intention to do so.

I want to be done with it all.

So I’ve been thinking about healing. How it can be done and what I am willing to do. Melody had an intense exercise in her The Walk class and I spent some time doing it yesterday. I’ve also been reading some of Cheri Huber’s work and listening to her audio.

and it all helps.

But I think what helps more than anything is the unwavering determination to be done with it all. Maybe all this stuff served me for a while and maybe it helped me in some ways but at this point it feels like a large mountain of dead weight I am dragging around with me.

It’s dragging behind me and slowing me down. Sucking my energy. Keeping me heavy and close to the ground.

It is definitely not serving me anymore.

And, this time, I don’t even want to know why. Who cares why I latched on to these thoughts, who cares why I chose to believe the untruths. Who cares how they served me in the past. Who cares whose fault it was. Who cares, who cares, who cares?

Knowing the why doesn’t help. It doesn’t move me forward.

The only thing that moves me forward is the what. What do I want now? What am I willing to do to get rid of it? What will be possible for me if I shed it all?

Healing.

That’s what will be possible. I can reach one of my most core desires: I can be whole.

I can’t think of a better reason than that.

So I’ve been thinking about healing. What it means, how we do it, what helps and what doesn’t. I am still trying to sort my way through it all but I feel readier than ever.