Today was a good day. As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been feeling better and there’s always that jolt of energy that comes with feeling better. You slide into a better version of yourself and feel calmer, more confident, more capable. Which, of course, turns the vicious negative cycle into the continuous positive one.
There’s been some activity at work and I’ve been finding myself responding without panic but productively and quickly and effectively. I love feeling effective. I realized a few months ago that, at my core, this is one of the ways I measure my self-worth. If I am effective, I am useful. If I am useful, I am worthy. I know it’s whacked and I am working on disconnecting the threads and reminding myself that I am worthy just the way I am but in the meantime, I’ve been paying attention to these cycles and messages in my life. I figure while I work on things, which will take a while to resolve, I can at least become more aware so that I notice when I am in a cycle that I know won’t end well.
Anyhow, so I’ve been doing better. And today, someone I work with said “you’re doing an awesome job.” And, honestly, it was all I needed to hear. I was so grateful for the words. Not because I need the attention or recognition. And I was already doing well so I didn’t even need them to get out of a bad mood. I just needed them to affirm that I was on the right path and those little words gave me the energy to keep going. They were like a jolt of gratitude.
These seemingly small words always make a big difference. I’ve had a few people email me or leave comments with very kind words. Words on how they connected with what I wrote or how it makes a difference in their lives or suggestions for areas where I’ve asked for help. These few sentences often make my day. To me, they are affirmation that I matter. That there’s a purpose for my existence in the world. Maybe it seems weird to others that I should need/want this, but I’ve learned that, for me, these are like energy for my soul. They are what keep me joyful and connected. They give me a sense of belonging.
And I want to make sure I do my part in passing that feeling on to others, too. I often send IMs to engineers I work with letting them know that I think they’re amazing, thanking them for their hard work, etc. When someone makes my life easier, better, calmer I want them to know it. I want to pass on a bit of the gratitude I feel for their existence.
I think receiving and giving these affirmations strengthens our roots and connections to others. To the world and humanity as a whole. It reminds us that we’re all here and we each matter. Each of us makes this place better because we’re in it.
And all this from “you’re doing an awesome job.”
If such few words can have so much power, why wouldn’t we utter them more often?
Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: be brave. you are stronger than you think.
inspired by this piece of art.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: believe in the possibility of your dreams. it is how they bloom.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
One of my biggest goals for 2012 is to increase my awareness. I believe in the value of mindfulness and paying attention to what comes up. I had this goal last year, too, and besides the gratitude part, I don’t think I did enough to progress on my goal. This year, one of the things I did was to sign up for a class called Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction. I originally signed up for the class at a local hospital but then, at the last minute, a new session opened up at work, so I got lucky enough to get in.
This class was also highly recommended by my TMJ doctor so I was excited to begin. It started last Thursday and I’ve only been to one session so far. We also had an all-day silent meditation as part of the class this past Sunday. (as I mentioned briefly here.)
I haven’t read any of the materials yet but I have begun the homework which is doing 20-40 minute body-scans (links to PDF) every day. I’ve also been listening to Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance each morning as I sketch. I don’t know if it’s coincidental or not but I’ve been feeling a lot better emotionally and psychologically.
The first class also introduced the idea of non-judging awareness and awareness of judging (links to PDF). And this idea is exactly what I was looking for out of a class like this.
I love the idea of bringing awareness to your judging. The idea of stepping back and looking at your judgement from a third-person point of view and then being able to stop yourself so you don’t judge but you’re just aware. It’s amazing how often things come up to the surface and we attack them with judgement immediately. Being ashamed of sadness, or being angry or frustrated. There’s so much judgment involved that it’s hard to see the truths beneath it. The ability to separate yourself from judgement gives you the ability see yourself truly and to dig deeper and wider and understand what’s at the core of your feelings/thoughts so you can truly understand them. You’re not slapping them away or burying them in the sand.
This piece of the article really summed it up for me:
If you stay with it, this process of self-inquiry can give you practical solutions to situations in your life. It can also shift your inner state quite radically. Real discernment, I’ve always found, starts with the willingness to ask questions. If you keep asking those questions, you will often get to the place where there are no answers at all, the place where you are just…present. Judgments dissolve in that place. Then you don’t have to strive for discernment; discernment is as natural as the breath.
Removing the striving is such a huge deal. Not trying to be but just being. Just looking at what is and not putting judgement on it. Even just being aware of how much I judge has been eye-opening for me. It allows me to pay attention. To notice what went unnoticed before.
I know these ideas are hard to integrate. Like most things of value, they require consistent practice. They require persistence and not giving up. But, if the last few days are any indication, they come bearing immense gifts for my soul.
And, for that reason alone, they are worth pursuing.
Let’s see what the next few weeks bring; I know there are quite a few more gems on the path.
And here’s the spread for week twenty-eight:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is about our hiking adventure and then one about dyeing my grays and then one on going to Coyote Point Park.
And here’s the right side:
The first one here is about visiting CuriOdyssey with the kids and then one about 4th of July and playing with sparklers and watching fireworks.
Art along the bottom as usual.
Another great week. Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
I am a huge Haruki Murakami fan and have read almost everything he wrote. So it was inevitable that I would read 1Q84. It was huge and I thought there was no way I was getting through it. I listened to it on audio. It was 30-some hours. That’s about four times longer than most books.
But alas. I listened to all of it.
I couldn’t stop. Even as it got repetitive and weird and annoying and repetitive.
Yes it was super repetitive.
Annoyingly so.
But I still loved it in that weird, crazy, inexplicable way only Murakami can write.
Having said that if you’ve never read him before, I certainly would not recommend starting with this one.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of beginnings and ends. When it’s the right time to walk away. I’ve always found it hard to walk away from commitments. Even if they are just to myself. So I have trouble quitting jobs, ending friendships, stopping a hobby, or even quitting a book.
Years ago, I took a class where I discovered that one of my strengths is commitment. I am reliable. While this is a good trait for many reasons, it can make some parts of my life challenging. Years ago, I was teaching fifth grade in the South Bronx and I really, really struggled. It was clear to everyone that I should walk away from my commitment to TFA. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. I felt like it was a promise and I couldn’t break it no matter what. Even if it was hurting me (or even some of the people around me.) It was, to this day, the hardest decision I made.
There have been times I’ve walked away from jobs and people, of course. I’ve abandoned hobbies. I’ve even stopped reading books. But, most of these cases had one thing in common: I felt pulled forward. I left a job behind because I felt compelled to go in a different direction. So it didn’t feel like walking away from something as much as walking to something else and that if I wanted to go there, I had to let go of where I was. And the pull of the other place was strong enough that it would allow me the strength to shed.
In the last few years, I’ve been struggling with letting go in several areas of my life and I’ve noticed that the reason it’s hard for me is that I don’t feel the pull toward anything else. So it feels more like dropping something for no good reason. And like there will be a void if I let go. Or that I am abandoning more than outgrowing.
Which is, clearly, ridiculous.
One of the downsides to my pattern of not being able to walk away, without having something else to walk to, is that I am never left with empty space. I don’t have a period of doing nothing. I don’t have a pause. And pauses are important.
Pauses are crucial.
They are what give you the breathing room to hear the quiet voices in your head, heart, and soul. They are what push you to explore. When there’s a buzz of activity, like I often have in my life, I don’t tend to pay attention to the quiet voices. They are drowned by the noise. You need silence to hear those. This is why I like to journal. This is why I like to meditate. Those are my ways of giving the quiet voice some room.
And I’m realizing that I need to learn to let things go. Not after I find something new, different, better but when I feel like they are not serving me anymore. When I feel like I am done. So that I don’t drag them around. So that I can create the space where new things can flourish.
Silence can be scary. But the only way I am going to learn to be ok with it is by practice. You do it a little. You wait. You see that the world doesn’t end. Then you do it some more.
So my plan this week is to make a list of things I want to let go. Feelings, thoughts, hobbies, people, commitments, books whatever it is. And then start practicing.
Start creating the empty space.
Here are the sketches from last week:
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
that’s it for this week.
Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my sketching journey here.
Yesterday, I went to an all-day silent meditation as part of a class I am taking. There’s a lot about that day’s experience that I am still processing but there are two things that I wanted to share with you today. One is this beautiful children’s story.
and the other was this wonderful poem from Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi ~
It really spoke to me. I am off tonight to another adventure and didn’t have a lot of words yet but didn’t want to leave you without anything (and wanted to make sure I remembered these two important parts of experience from yesterday.)
hope you like them.
This is a layout I made for Maya Road for CHA.
And the journaling says:
Of all the things that bring me joy in this world, seeing the two of you happy is the biggest one. I love looking at the se photos from Turkey cause you look so very happ y in them. And each time I look at them my heart fills up and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. Thank you for giving me such joy.
details:
This week was also light on photos. Here are some snapshots from our week:
A few months ago we signed up for the San Fran Color Run and I couldn’t wait for it to arrive. I couldn’t bring my SLR there so the photos aren’t that great, but they still capture the memories.
The weather was really cold and it took a while for all of us to get into it but David loved getting sprayed and even rolled around the colorful ground.
I was pretty covered by the end.
so were Jake and the kids.
David even had color on his teeth.
I don’t think Nathaniel understood what was going on but he was ok about the whole thing.
and got quite a lot of color himself.
all in all, it was wonderful! Nathaniel also got a new bike and he enjoys riding it often.
the boys have been making cities, garages and electronic creations at home. This was “traffic.”.
David started a blog where he shares his lego stuff and he made this for the blog.
There was some hugging, of course.
and laughing!
The boys also played with my china marker. they loved how the white writes on the kraft paper.
david’s been reading harry potter again and again on the reader.
then it was family shot time.
and tickle time.
and here we go. i hope your week was lovely, too.
Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Next page:
This is my first assignment for Your Living Canvas class. The first week was about your story and as I wrote mine, one of the things that came up for me was that I have a lot of instances in my life where I made big leaps of faith or did things others would consider brave. This was a big deal to me, especially now cause I am not feeling so brave at the moment. So I decided to make this page as a reminder to myself. I wrote some of the things on top of the big butterflies and then more around the smaller ones.
The quote says: I am brave.
Here is one more shot of it:
Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: find solace in nature.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: integrity matters. do what you said you would.
here’s another view so you can see the stitching:
this bird was inspired by this amazing one.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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