I learned (relearned) today that everyone has his own perspective. We go to the same meeting or attend the same event, but come away with very different thoughts. Very different take-aways. Very different emotions. It is quite fascinating to watch.
But nothing new, of course.
This is always true when two people interact. It’s even true when we’re alone. Think of a book you read that really made you think or feel strongly. You can read the same book ten years later and walk away with completely different thoughts/feelings. Clearly the book itself didn’t change. You changed. You way of looking at the world (or at least at the contents of the book) changed. Depending on where we are in life, what we’re thinking and feeling and dealing with, we listen with different filters. We don’t always hear what the other person is saying, we hear what we want to hear. We listen selectively. We react to parts of what’s said and not to the whole message. This is constantly true and constantly changing.
No wonder it’s hard to interact with someone.
Now put four, five, seven people in the same room and all of this becomes exponential. It just becomes this mass of people who are all talking without realizing that the other person isn’t really hearing them. And then the other person talks and the original person doesn’t really listen. On and on it goes.
Then the meeting/get-together/event is over. And everyone walks away with completely different feelings and understanding of what just happened. This happens very often in face-to-face time. Imagine how much worse it is over email, skype, text messaging, etc.
Today’s event made me remember that I need to be more aware of this. I need to be careful when I talk that I am clear. I need to follow up to make sure the goals I had in mind were communicated properly. That the other person and I are on the same page. That there are no bad feelings or uncertainty. I am not always diligent with follow up. And on the opposite side, I need to speak up when I am not certain I follow. I need to repeat back so the other person can make sure I understood what they meant.
This all seems a bit silly but I really think it’s not. Even with my husband, whom I’ve known for almost twenty years, I sometimes misunderstand what he says. I definitely hear differently depending on my own mood and perspective. And if I do it with a person I know so well, I must be doing it so much more often with other people.
And since communication is the cornerstone of any kind of relationship, being aware of how we don’t always hear what the other person is saying is crucial.
If not, all we have is a bunch of disgruntled people thinking the other person just didn’t get them at all. Which is exactly what happened to my friends today.
What a waste.
And here’s the spread for week twenty-seven:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is about the kids blowing bubbles in the backyard and then the other one is about seeing Brave with the kids. We all loved it so much.
And here’s the right side:
The first one here is about the new water and sand table we got for the backyard and how much the kids love it. The second one is about how even though it’s noisy, crazy and messy with all of us here for the summer, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it. ever.
Art along the bottom as usual.
Another great week. Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
Another book I read not to watch the movie first was We Bought a Zoo and I am glad I read it. (Listened to actually.) It was really interesting and fascinating.
From what I’ve seen in the previews, the movie looks like they’ve changed the plot quite a bit. Have any of you both read and seen it? Is it worth seeing? I mean, it does have Matt Damon in it, but still I hate getting disappointed when the book is so different.
I woke up this morning and I was tired. I sleep for over eight hours, so I can’t imagine that’s it, but maybe it is. Maybe my body needs nine hours. Anyway. Then I started my morning routine. Exercised, showered, we all got dressed, ate breakfast, and then sketched. Then I started work. But I was still tired. More importantly, I was moody.
If I am honest with myself, I’ve been moody for some time now. I am trying to snap out of it and I have had moments of joy and even days full of contentment. But there’s an underlying moodiness. One of those periods when negative thoughts pop into my head way more often than positive ones. When my drive and willingness to do anything is low. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle since I won’t do what it takes to snap myself out of it.)
And I am sort of unpredictable. Even in the middle of joy, a tiny word or action can take me back down to the annoyed/moody place. Not depressed but cranky.
If you asked me what’s going on, I can tell you long stories about it. I have many reasons why all these things are happening. But, the fact is, most of the reasons are bullshit. (sorry for the cursing, i generally try not do that here but i needed something stronger than ‘made up’.) I mean, sure, things could be better. But, really, there’s just no reason for me to be the way I am being. There’s no reason to go through life this way. Doing the motions. And looking at every single thing with a pessimistic bias. I was watching this talk on the optimism bias today and kept thinking how I just don’t function that way. I am pessimistic about the future. Maybe not pessimistic but anxious. I worry all the time. All.the.time. My mind goes to the most negative outcome possible. It definitely doesn’t serve me.
But back to my moodiness. Years ago, I took this class that basically said that we go through different emotions mostly for chemical reasons. Happy. Sad. None of them mean anything. We like to attribute meaning to a good day and to a bad day but most of it is just chemical. (Obviously not when something significant happens and your mood changes right then, like being proposed to or getting in a car accident, etc. But on any ordinary day.) And, while I am not sure I buy this thought, I love the idea of reminding myself that “It doesn’t mean anything.” So today I woke up moody. So what.
Attributing meaning tends to do one of two things for me. I make it someone else’s problem which means it’s out of my hands; I am hopeless to fix it. So now it’s not in my control and I just sit here and feel small, out of control, frustrated. Or I make it this big problem that needs to be solved and I can’t be happy until it is. This puts me into the postponement world. So I hold happiness hostage until the issue is resolved. And if it’s something I can’t resolve soon, well I get to be unhappy.
Both of these are ridiculous.
At the moment, I am stuck in some situations that I am not happy with. But I took some time and decided I am not ready to change them yet. The outcome of change could be much worse than how things are. And I am just not willing to take that risk yet. This puts me in scenario two above. I can’t solve it. And I attribute almost all my moodiness to these situations. I hear myself thinking “if this and that were different…” then I get to be happy. Then I can quit being moody. Then I can enjoy my life.
Ok I won’t curse again but I am thinking the same word.
So. I decided today that next time I am moody, I am going to do three things:
1. Remember that it doesn’t mean anything. It will go away. My moods do change. And this one will, too.
2. Remember that it was my choice to leave the situation as is. I am choosing this so I need to choose to work with it and to not let it get to me. To find my way through it. But that the choice is mine and I am not trapped.
3. Remember to journal gratitudes. I have been doing this on and off and I noticed that I do truly get happier when I do it.
So here we are. I know this is a bit all over the place. But if you’re in the same place as I am where you feel a bit stuck and feel moody but are in a situation you’re not ready to change just yet, maybe some of these will help you, too.
One other thing I am trying to do is to do more of the activities that bring joy to me. Art, friends, TV, hugging my kids whatever it is. I am trying not to judge, but to do them all.
You can never have too much joy, if you ask me.
Here are the sketches from last week:
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
that’s it for this week.
Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my sketching journey here.
Even though I am usually a monotony-loving person, I feel the need to shake things up lately. The problem is I don’t know in what part of my life and exactly how. I have now been keeping a relatively regular schedule of personal activities. I exercise and sketch daily. I do art journaling in the same format twice a week. A collage page once a week. My savor project. And a layout here and there for assignments. I also spend a good bit of time reading. I have sort of slacked on the journaling/meditating/strength work. And despite several varying attempts in the last few months, I haven’t really integrated anything new into my schedule.
And it’s not an issue of time.
I have more free time. Especially for things that inspire and excite me. But I feel too tired to go looking. It’s a bit ironic, I know, that I don’t have the energy to find things that might give me more energy. But here we are.
I want a super-engaging book. I want new blogs/sites that inspire me. I want some new artistic ideas to pursue. New classes to take. A new hobby. A new passion. Ways to grow. People to meet. People to really connect with. I want to feel more alive. I want to experience different things so I can feel that jolt of enthusiasm that comes with the fresh, the new.
But I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. How to start. I don’t want to let anything go because I don’t think it will help me pick up something new. I tend to be better at making space for something once it inspires me. I have no doubt that if I felt pulled in a new direction, I won’t have trouble letting go of what’s here. I just need to feel that pull.
But I don’t know where to begin.
Any ideas?
This is a layout I made for My Mind’s Eye for June.
And the journaling says:
My sweet boy, you have gotten to this place where you’re crossing new milestones every single day. You’re losing the baby teeth, you’re doing homework, you’re making your own lunch, and even breakfast sometimes. You’re growing up so quickly. Today you sat with me and learned to tie your shoes. Yet another milestone. I am so grateful to get to see all these small moments of significance. I love you and adore you.
details:
And the next spread:
The left side is an amulet one of David’s classmates gave him and the right side is a paper we created when we sat to stamp and color and play.
Here’s the paper that’s tucked in there on the right side.
more next time.
David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
Maybe because I had so many last week, this week was lower on photos. Here are some snapshots from our week:
We took a little trip to the local playground.
The kids loved this closed, winding slide but I was so scared.
I kept thinking they were going to get stuck.
Nathaniel liked to lift his leg while he was inside.
David just liked going down in different ways. I asked him to sit so I could snap one more.
we also went to another playground near the golf course around here. (I even drove on the freeway to get there!) I snapped a shot of my boys.
For some reason I don’t have many from the playground which is shaped like a pirate ship.
but the kids liked running around.
and laughed together.
and steered the ship some.
I realized a few days later that I hadn’t been taking photos so I asked the kids to let me snap some.
I told Nathaniel to lower his head a bit, and I got this.
David is all used to my antics.
then it was family shot time.
we said each other’s names again.
and laughed and laughed.
nathaniel even tried to tickle david during tickle time.
and here we go. i hope your week was lovely, too.
Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Next page:
This page so didn’t turn out how I anticipated. I had this cloth of fabric from a while ago and wanted to do something with it. Alas, not all pages turn out the way we hope.
The quote says: Begin living life today.
Here is one more shot of it:
Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: sometimes the only way out is through. be brave.
inspired by this photo.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: you are the director and star of your life. do not let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
This morning, as I ran, I watched this Ted talk by Daniel Kahneman. Well, I’ve watched the first 7 minutes of it so far (I get to watch the rest tomorrow.) but it already gave me some food for thought so I wanted to share with you.
One of the things Daniel shares is that there’s a difference between an experience and the memory of an experience. He talks about a man who watched a symphony for some time (let’s say 40 minutes) that he really enjoyed. Towards the very end, there was some very loud disruption and the man said “it ruined the whole experience!” Daniel talks about how this is clearly not true. For the first 35 minutes, the man was truly enjoying the show, so it wasn’t the experience that was ruined, it was the memory of the experience. How we remember things is not how they actually were. I think even though we know this, it’s significant to think about it.
Especially because Daniel also talks about some specific ways memory can be tricked. According to his studies, endings matter. In the case above, the symphony ended negatively so it left a bad impression on the man’s mind. They also did studies on colonoscopies. They took two individuals: A and B. A had a short but intensely painful exam. And B had an exam that was twice as long and just as intense for the same duration as A but then it got less intense for the second half. One would think B would rate his experience as worse than A since he had at least just as much pain and had to go on for twice as long. But because the ending of his exam was less painful than A’s ending, the memory of B’s test is less painful in his mind than A’s memory was. So endings matter. Apparently more than the overall experience.
These two ideas led me to think about my own life. I am still struggling quite a bit and working actively and regularly on coaching myself and being acutely aware of the good in my life. There are many moments of joy and peace and contentment in my days but the end of my work days are often hectic and frustrating. And by the time work is over, kids are in bed, etc. I am spent and worn out and I often remember that feeling more strongly than the others in my day.
So to rectify this, I thought it might be interesting to start keeping a “spot check of feelings” log during the day. Where each hour I would take a second to see how I feel at that moment. Am I happy? content? peaceful? frustrated? whatever it is, i note it and move on. This way, regardless of how my day ends, I can look back and see all the moments in my day and not let my memory of my day overwrite the actual experience of the day. If the gentleman at the symphony did that every ten minutes, he’d realize he enjoyed 75% of the show and it might change his overall view. So I am going to see if it works for me.
The other idea I had was to end each day with something really good/happy/calming/joyous. Since endings matter and I know this, why not use it to my advantage? Even if I am dead tired and frustrated, I think I can find a 15-30 minute activity that will turn the last moments of my day around. And if those last moments are so crucial to memory maybe I can “trick” mine by ending my days with a happy moment.
So since I like lists, my plan tonight is to make a list of 10 things that are 15-30 minutes each. Things that bring me joy or peace. Things that I can do at night. I will pick one each night and see if I can trick my memory.
I bet I can.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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