I felt guilty about reading so many young adult books in a row so I decided to pick up The First Day of the Rest of My Life and I am so sorry that I did.
I didn’t really like the writing style in this book at all. And to top it all it had two of my least favorite topics (I won’t mention them because they will give away some of the plot but suffice it to say they are miserable things.) And I just felt sad and angry and depressed the whole time. Even with the flippant characters and the funny (not so) articles.
I completely understand that these are real issues and that life is often sad and terrible injustices are done all the time. But I don’t want to read about it. If that makes me ignorant or bad or whatever I am ok with it. I read for pleasure and joy and I like reading books that do not leave me deeply depressed. I do not need more of that in my life.
Last night, in my Willpower class, we talked about the social aspects of willpower. Amongst other things, my teacher mentioned how people tend to not want to mention their big successes. We seem to feel like it’s socially not ok to do so. Which is extra bad, since sharing successes actually strengthens willpower and since willpower is contagious, it also helps others succeed, too.
So it’s really crucial to share and celebrate success.
the bigger the better.
I’ve always felt that it’s easier to find rough-day friends than good-day friends. There seem to be a lot of people who are willing to sit with you and commiserate. Or at least listen to you so they get get the details (and maybe feel a little better about their own life). And there are even some who truly, genuinely care and try to make you feel better.
but there are very few who can share the space with your huge successes and not make it about them. One person’s success tends to bring out other people’s jealousy and competitiveness. Weirdly, I’ve always felt the opposite way.
Seeing others succeed gives me hope.
Each time I see someone succeed, whether I know them personally or not, I feel like there’s a possibility for success. Not only do I feel happy for that person, but I just sort of feel more optimistic about the possibility of dreams coming true in general. Like that person’s success has injected hope into the world.
Eh, I am not able to explain it well. But I hope you understand what I mean. The thing is, if someone succeeds, they’re not taking my spot in the world. Their success doesn’t negate the possibility of my success. I believe this wholeheartedly. And on the contrary, I think seeing them achieve it somehow makes the goal more achievable to me. Like it can be done. Seeing someone do it makes it real. Takes it from the “dream” realm and puts it into the realm of “possibility.”
Oh I sure hope this makes sense.
Anyway, I feel like with the benefits to self as well as to community, we need to encourage people to share successes more often. Much more often.
In fact, I would so love it if you shared a recent (or not recent) success with me today. However big or small. I would love to hear it and celebrate your success with you.
One of the lessons that came out of my Science of Willpower class was that stress inhibits self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-control. So stress ends up making you want things and shuts down all areas of your brain that can remember your high-level goals.
Which must be why I eat when I am stressed out.
While I believe living a structured, organized life is helpful, I find that stress is not. I think most people equate the two and there are times when that might be true, but it doesn’t have to be so. The more realistic you can be about your day, the easier it is to stick to your schedule and not provoke a stress response. Especially now that I know stress actually shuts down your body, it seems silly to work yourself into a frenzy in an attempt to be productive.
For me, stress often feels like a big bucket of heavy water I carry around. I have to be careful not to spill a drop and my back hurts from the constant load. I know it doesn’t serve me and I know that when I am stressed out, I am not my best self. Which then causes me to do things that upset those I love, which then makes me upset, which, of course, stresses me out.
The loveliest of vicious circles.
So what we discussed in class is figuring out what helps you relieve stress. My friend Caroline likes to run when she’s stressed. While I’ve grown to tolerate running and can even see how it might clear the mind, it will never make my list. One proven item is being in nature. There’s something about seeing the sky and trees that your brain responds to and I can attest that if I can make it out the door to take a walk, I always come back less stressed out.
Other things that work for me are: playing music really loud, hugging my kids tight, journaling, art, and reading.
And I’ve learned something else last week. While I love being at home, sometimes I get stuck in a rut. So, going out to Starbucks and sitting there with my ipad and watching movies from my classes really really lifts my mood. It transports me to a good place and, after a little while, I feel refreshed, and look forward to going home and hugging my kids. So, now, I try to go out regularly. Even if for a little while. It seems to wash away my stress better than anything I can do at home.
That’s my goal this year. To pay attention and regularly take time to unburden my soul. Do whatever I need to, to let go of what doesn’t serve me. If stress shuts down higher thinking then I am absolutely useless when stressed out anyway. Instead of churning and getting myself more and more and more worked up, I need to let go.
Remember that it’s better to take the time, unburden my soul and then tackle whatever it is.
As I mentioned, I plan to keep this project simple and fun for both of us. So, I did the same thing with the letter E as I did for letter A. I cut them all up and then, Nathaniel and I glued them down together to create this simple page:
Like last time, w e talked about each of the words and then differentiated between big E and little E. Then we colored all the E’s.
Here he is gluing:
and coloring
Yey for week 5. Nathaniel seems to still be enjoying the process so I am grateful. He loves showing it to David and Jake!
I have to say that this week sort of flew by. It felt mostly like a blur. I was grouchy, busy, tired, but now that it’s over, I feel okay. Things came together, as they always seem to and I feel at peace. I took considerably fewer photos this week than usual. Maybe it’s a testament to the blur of a week it’s been. Alas we all had a good week. David started the week with a stomach bug but he recovered quickly. The kids went to school, I worked, I had an online chat, I met some friends, I did some art. Jake, too, worked, had meetings, met friends. And now it’s the weekend and we’re both ready to rest and play and just enjoy the weekend.
And, here are some highlights from last week:
Nathaniel and Daddy playing.
I love these photos with the huge eyes.
And the mischievous grin.
And the all-out laugh.
He’s just so cute.
and here’s David just grinning so we can be done with the photo.
Nathaniel and Daddy again, writing this time.
Nathaniel spent a lot of time drawing this week while I worked.
another shot of the big boy with the blue eyes.
I love this picture. Just so magical for me somehow. I love how it shows how much his little brother looks up to David and how proud of it David is. maybe you can’t see it here but I see all of it in this weird photo.
I told nathaniel to give me a smile, and I got this.
and this.
and then finally, this.
this photo, for some reason, just made me think he looks so much like me.
Friday was David’s 101st day at school and they celebrated in style.
and when he came home we took family photos.
tickle time was just right this time.
until nathaniel started punching and trying to reach over.
I still had a blast.
just love looking at these photos.
afterwards, David read his library book. I love seeing how much he loves to read.
and Nathaniel drew a bunch more.
and here we go. Another wonderful week gone. So grateful for my family. Here’s to a great week next week!
This page was my version of one of the Body Restoration pages. All the collage elements are by Melody Ross. It says “we all have light and dark thoughts, always choose the light. always.” The left side represents the dark, terrible thoughts we have sometimes. And the right side is the wonderful happy thoughts of who you really are. The trick (the goal) is to always focus on the white. Happy thoughts.
The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
Let me know if this helps and if you have any other questions.
And two small things to mention:
1. I apologize I’ve been exceptionally bad about emails and comments lately, I will catch up soon, I promise.
2. I am in the process of reenabling emails so if you’re subscribed to receive posts over email, you will slowly start getting them again.
Jake and David got an old paper from Alcatraz when they went so I added an 8.5×11 so I could slip it in. That’s what you see on the right:
and then I also added Jake’s Valentine’s Day card in there too:
and here’s the right side of the spread:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is Jake and David’s trip to Alcatraz. Then one about my book club and then one about the kids hugging.
And here’s the right side:
My valentine’s flowers and Nathaniel’s fascination with them. Then David and Jake’s trip to see Phantom Menace in 3D and finally making Valentines with Nathaniel.
As usual, the bottom has my art and our weekly family photo and tickle time photo along the bottom.
So there we go. So far, so good. Loving getting to savor these memories again and again.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
