Ok well I am not sure I can say anything good about a week where I gained weight instead of losing it. When I first got on the wii, it said I’d gained four lbs! I almost fell over. I did it again a little later in the day and it corrected itself to half a pound. Which is still terrible and it does not inspire confidence in the consistency of the wii but all in all, it’s obvious that the scale did not go in the right direction this week..
I know muscle weighs more, weight loss is not a sign of health, blah blah. Fact is, a good part of this journey is first to lose the excess fat. So I can then tone up the rest of my body and keep it healthy. Alas, I am still on track. Right after the scale this morning, I went and exercised instead of eating chocolate or crying. I was just mad. I am going to keep going of course. There’s definitely progress here. Just slow sometimes and that’s ok. I have 10 more months after this.
I bought three things this time so I will have to use them for January and February. One is the jacket in the photo. I then bought a skirt and a shirt, too. I will take pictures of me wearing them since I couldn’t find a company photo for either. Anyhow, another week of working hard.
and here’s this week’s card:
Healthy for Life is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
Wow, stressful day! Well, it’s over and I will not dwell on it. I knew this week was going to be hard and I think I’ve called it all forth a bit by stressing so much ahead of time. So I need to learn to do better with that. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. All the stress it adds to my life and how much I am not working on staying calmer and tackling things as they come. Oh well. Life’s a work in progress.
David had a playdate today. It was so nice to see them both sitting and coloring.
Nathaniel played, too. By himself mostly.
And then watched his brother and his friend.
Then he watched some choochoo.
David didn’t want to color at first but then he relented. And I think he secretly enjoyed himself.
Nathaniel is getting so much older and understanding so much more. He also says “me me me” now.
And he likes to explore everything. Watch everything. Touch everything. I love love love watching him. Hugging him. Being around him.
I am so grateful for my little life.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for some happy mail yesterday and today. Happy mail is so special.
2. I am grateful that I’ve been sketching. Today’s sketch was sort of a fail but I am still glad I did it.
3. I am grateful that I might actually get to sleep in a bit tomorrow. Yey..
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that there’s no school tomorrow {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that Maggie came over
3. I am grateful that i got a new toy from my friend Matthew
Here’s a continuation of Random Thoughts I’ve been having lately. You can read part I here.
Here we go for more random:
5. Don’t believe what you see on TV. Ok this one is a complete side note but a few weeks ago, Jake and I went to the movies and there was this one scene were two people were having sex for the first time (with each other, not ever) and suddenly one said she only had 45 seconds and the other said “no problem” and so within that time, they both finished at the same time and it was implied that it was magnificent for both. It was a Thursday night and the theater was mostly empty. At the end of that scene, one person in the back shouted “Yeah Right” and everyone began to laugh.(sarcasm anyone?) Because, of course, it was so beyond unrealistic. It was almost ridiculous. But at the time, you didn’t really think about it. You were caught up in the scene. And this is so common in media these days. Giving us messages of “typical” marriages or relationships or intimacy. It makes everyone feel like they must not be the norm. They must be failing, messing up. Like how if you’re not a size 2, you’re fat. Consciously or not, we’re receiving these messages and trying to measure up. I think it’s terrible and wish they would stop feeding us these made up lies. I think if we all spoke the truths a bit more often, people could connect better and in general feel less messed up.
6. I’m Bad with Transitions. When I was at the airport for CHA, I noticed that I am bad with transitions. Sitting there and waiting for the plane was stressful because I kept wondering if I would get to carry my bags on and be able to fit it and who would sit next to me and on and on. I do this quite a lot. When I am on my way to something or somewhere I am often anxious and worried. Once I get there, I adjust and I am almost always ok. It’s the unknown that throws me off and brings in stress. I know this is common with kids and parents often have routines for transitions. Like going from dinner to bedtime or play to naptime or school to home etc. Maybe I need routines for my transitions too. More prep time. Maybe it will reduce my anxiety. I think it’s worth a shot. So for the next month or so, I will pay attention to when anxiety arises and try to see if it’s something I can establish a routine around. If you’ve done this, I would love advice.
7. Worry Lists I worry often and a lot. From huge things like something happening to my family to tiny things like oversleeping or doing some art badly. Worrying is a constant on my mind and takes up more room than I’d like and I often look for ways to get rid of it. I’ve mentioned the God Box idea before which I think is wonderful and I will do it. But I wanted more, so while I was flying to CHA, I decided to try something new. I sat down and brainstormed a long list of everything I was worrying about at that very moment. Big or small. Every single thing. Then a week later, I went back and wrote whether that item happened that week or not. And if it did happen, what consequences that brought. Were they as bad as I had imagined? Some of the items are long long term like something happening to one of my kids. For those I just check if something happened to them that week and then they go on the list again the next week. For others, they are short duration and get completely resolved that week. Like a meeting I am worried about. The meeting comes and goes and it’s over. So I can permanently get rid of that one item. The idea is that if I see week after week that a high percentage of my worries do not come true, maybe I will calm down more, worry less. If I see that nothing happened to my kids 98 weeks in a row, my senses of statistics starts kicking in and telling me it’s ok to worry a small amount less. Maybe. I figure it can’t hurt to try, right?
8. You’re not that special. Just like I am done with sarcasm, I am totally over the attitude of “i won’t do it cause everyone else is doing it.” People who don’t go to a place, listen to a music, read a book, etc. cause others are doing it drive me insane. What makes you so special. Are you above and beyond all normal people? Here’s a quote I found on Amy’s friend’s site that I love:
Andre Dubus III, author of House of Sand and Fog, another OBC selection responded to Franzen with, “It is so elitist it offends me deeply. The assumption that high art is not for the masses, that they won’t understand it and they don’t deserve it – I find that reprehensible. Is that a judgment on the audience? Or on the books in whose company he would be?”
This was in response to Franzen’s snubbing Oprah for picking his book. But I love this quote. What’s wrong with masses? Why are you so superior? I just don’t get this. Truly. I like the music I like and the books I like. Some of them are popular and others aren’t. This doesn’t make me less or more special. It just makes me, me. I feel that as long as you’re authentic to you, you’re special. And if you stay clear of everything “the masses” like, you can easily miss out on some wonderful things. Seems plain silly to me.
There you go. A bit of a brain dump for you. I have one more thing to write about but that’s for later. This one’s too long already and I am sure you’ve had enough of my thoughts for today.
And here are the drawings for this week.
no idea what i was thinking with that hair.
this one down on the left is my favorite.
I am still working on them. But I think I need to change course a bit again. Will ponder on it for a while.
Six Portraits a Week is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
I only have 10 minutes to write tonight because I have a chat coming up and I am still battling with some issues at work. So here goes nothing. David was shadowing at a local school today. One that we might send him to. I would have been super nervous but he was a total champ. And even let me take some photos when we got home.
He is such the joy of my life.
Little one has been eating nonstop lately. All he says is food food food all day.
Maybe it’s just a growth spurt.
Still tired and struggling here. I feel like most of this year so far has been one long whiny day. But I have accomplished so much and feel happy most of the time so I am not really that sad. Just tired for the most part. And grateful. so very very grateful more than anything else.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that David dealt so well with being in a completely different environment all morning.
2. I am grateful that I have a class chat tonight. I always enjoy those so much.
3. I am grateful that after tomorrow David has no school for a week. It means I get to sleep in a tiny bit later in the mornings. Which is always a blessing.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got to go to a different school today {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that Daddy and I are going to watch star wars
3. I am grateful that i got a treasure in my game (on the computer)
Catalyst One Hundred and Twenty-Eight is: What are you (or would you be) giving your children that you wish you’d had?
Journaling Reads:
When I was a little girl, my mom always worked. When I got home from school, she wasn’t there and it made me sad. I vowed back then that I would always be home for my kids when they came home and wanted to talk about their day. My mom was wonderful but I did wish she was around more.
I kept putting off reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest for several reasons. First, because I knew it was the last one and there’s no more coming ever since the author’s passed away. Second, because these books tend to be heavy on the violence and I generally need time to recover. And third because I knew it would be a fast, engrossing read and wanted to save it for a time when I needed that.
So I finally read it. And I loved it. I am a fan of Lisbeth and I loved the second and third books way more than the first because they were so much more centered around her. I still think the second is my favorite but I liked this one quite a bit as well. If you’re like me and gave up after number one, i encourage you to give 2 and 3 a shot. They are considerably better than the first.
Maybe I should write these entries in the morning because I often sit to write once my kids are in bed and by then the entire day’s tiredness is on me and I am considerably whinier than usual. Today was one of those days where I could do one of a million things but I didn’t have to do anything so you know what? Nothing got done. Bad girl. I exercised, read to David, and worked. That’s pretty much it. Oh and I sketched. I wrote in my art journal. And I am hoping to do a bit of journaling and my portrait after this. But honestly, I spent quite a bit of time pouting and dozing off. I needed to be more organized but I felt tired and out of it. Alas, tomorrow is another day. Thankfully.
The little boy refused to nap again. I put him down three times before he finally passed out.
He played a bunch, went through my wallet, and tried to get me to put David’s new music DVD into my laptop..
He would stick it in the slot and then be shocked when the DVD disappeared into the computer. He’d ask me to take it out and then we’d do the whole thing over again. IT was fun the first two times but got kind of old quickly.
Thanks to Julie I’ve begun a new style of art journaling in the beginning of february and I am loving it so far. It’s pages like Judy Wise and Julie where I write a little each day and then do art and stamping and watercolor and just have fun throughout the day. I am really loving it so far.
After I woke Nathaniel up (and he had several meltdowns) it was time to get the big boy. Who came home, did his chores and went right down to the business of playing.
And then Daddy came home and we all rejoiced.
I’ve been struggling with some decisions lately. And through it all I was thinking that sometimes there’s a disagreement, or argument, or something much much subtler that goes on between two people. An interaction that just leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth. You can’t even describe why but you know there’s just something there. Time passes, it dims. But it doesn’t go away. And now you’re suspicious. All of this person’s future actions, words, etc pass through this filter in your mind. You can never be fully open and free of assumption around this person again. You start seeing things when there isn’t anything to see and then grow resentful and frustrated even though the other person didn’t really do anything at all. It all just goes back to the interaction (now long ago) that planted a seed way back then. And finally, you accept that it will never be the same. You either have to really have a talk with this person or you have to walk away. In my case, I cannot talk to the person, because my relationship is not at that level. So I see myself slowly pulling away. It makes me a bit sad. And I feel a strong pull to call this person up and explain and demand apologies and hash it and rehash it. But of course it’s all senseless. The person probably doesn’t even remember and is doing nothing different from the ordinary. But in my head it’s a big story now and I cannot let it go. So I am moving away from it. It feels like my only option right now. But it still makes me sad.
And to be fair, it’s a small, small thing in the grand scheme of my life. I am lucky, healthy, blesses and so so so grateful. I am deeply grateful for each and every moment in my life.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to join the Maya Road team. I am so humbled and overjoyed and thrilled to be a part of that team.
2. I am grateful for all the students in my Embrace Imperfection class. There’s so much support and sharing and kindness there.
3. I am grateful for the time and space to journal tonight. I cannot wait to cuddle up and write.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got to watch the star wars game with daddy {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that Daddy came home early
3. I am grateful for mommy
Today’s page was week five’s homework for the Soul Restoration class.
This week’s theme is about knowing what your definitions for happy and sad feelings are. As usual, I don’t want to go into detail since it’s Melody’s content but I will talk some about what came up for me. I struggled more than usual this week because there was a lot of journaling to do and I am one of those people who likes to do her homework before I do the art. I wrote for a while but then put off writing anything for many days. This was a sign to me that the way things were structured wasn’t working for me so after postponing it all week, I finally changed it around. I still plan on doing the work, but I think it was too much for me to focus on at once.
So instead of focusing on each definition, I made a list of things that give me positive feelings and a list of things that give me negative feelings. Here’s what’s on each list:
The good
finishing a task
coffee & graham crackers
quiet time
doing art
scrapbooking
family time
hugs from my boys
Jake’s hugs
practicing gratitude
completing my exercise
helping someone
getting positive feedback
schedules
good books
learning new things
journaling
honest compliments
choice
holding hands
going to the movies
bubble baths
tulips
puppies
taking photos
sunsets over the sea
picnics
my kids laughing
feeling free
being forgiven
letting go
unexpected kindness
chocolate
The not-so-good
saying yes to something i don’t want to do
disappointing people
not enough sleep
yelling
the unknown
failing
having to quit
going back on my word
comparing myself to others
not being able to measure up
sarcasm
not doing my best
wasting time
when what’s on my mind doesn’t match my artistic abilities
lack of planning
dropping the ball
piles
empty gas tank
driving somewhere new
putting myself down
feeling alone
holding on to a mistake
holding a grudge
shame
reacting without thinking
making a mistake
Each list can easily be 10 times longer. But I just wrote in five minutes and told myself it was ok for now. I then printed the words and made this two-page spread. Blue for the happy and brown for the not-so-much. This is a guide for me to remember what makes me sad, upset, disappointed, etc. It’s also a reminder of things that make me feel good so that I can do more of them, especially when I am feeling blue.
Here are some other observations from this week:
1. One of the things I noticed was that “completing a task” came up in several of my lists. This is not very surprising considering how much I like getting things done. But it did make me realize that I can change the way I start and end my days so that I wake up and get something done immediately. Which will start my day with a great positive feeling. I can also end my day with a completed task or at least set it up for the next morning’s task completion. Help myself since I know the joy this accomplishment brings into my life.
2. If I can start each day with the task to complete and then do exercise and art, I am already in a good mood. Then when I start work, I can do the same. Instead of reading mail, I can just complete a task first. Then the good mood from that will help me go through my mailbox more quickly and efficiently.
3. I need the take the time to hug my kids daily. I do this a lot already but I need to do it more. I need to slow down and smell them and hug them and laugh with them. The joy this gives me is unparalleled and I need to make sure to do it each day.
4. I would like to plan my meals and the kids’ meals more. I’ve been saying this for months but not actually doing it. Let’s set it as a goal for getting organized on this before February is over so I can have a plan in place for March. (if not sooner.)
5. I need to journal more. What a gift it’s been to rediscover journaling this year. I am so thankful to Stephanie and Misty and Melody. They reminded me how amazing, anchoring, soul-lifting journaling is for me. I need to make the time to do it daily. It feeds my soul like nothing else.
6. Overall I need to look at these lists each day. And make sure to do at least 5 of the “good” items and focus hard on not doing the yucky ones. To make myself more aware daily. Start the day and end the day with a review of my lists. So they are always forefront on my mind.
There we go. I am so sorry that this Tuesday will be the last class for Soul Restoration. I can’t remember the last time I took such a powerful class (and online!). I have simultaneously been working on other art journaling pages too so if you’re sick of these, there are different ones coming I promise.
Another look at each page:
Weekly Art Journal is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
Today started great. I woke up, got David on the bus and exercised right away because I was due at his school exactly 50 minutes later. We went, came back, got stuff done, Nathaniel napped, I worked. I had a breakdown in the middle of the day and worked myself into a tizzy and then thanks to some amazingly kind people it resolved itself just fine but I still have the headache to remind me I need to stop doing this.
Big boy was a dear as he always is.
And I realized that we never showed you the valentines he made for his class. Here’s the outside.
Each girl got a stamped flower which David colored.
and each boy got this stamp which David also colored.
The little boy is watching Thomas on the ipod.
And then sneaking a look at me for a split second. Well not at me but at least looking up.
I did a sketch today. It’s got a long way to go but it was fun and I am glad I did it. I still have to do my portrait and I have to write in my art journal. but overall I am still marking this day down as a good one. Any day we’re all healthy is a good one in my book.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my friend Katie listened to me rant for a good thirty minutes about something relatively stupid and she didn’t blame me once. She listened, she supported and she was wonderful. Thank you Katie, love you!
2. I am grateful that my husband also supported me magically today and rushed right back out so we could make it to the post office on time. He didn’t question me or call me crazy (which I am) but he loves me and I am so thankful for that.
3. I am grateful for the kindness of a semi-stranger today. Someone whom I don’t know and she had no reason to be this nice to me but she, too, didn’t call me crazy or capricious. She worked with me and tried to make me happy. I am truly grateful.
4. I am also grateful for the few minutes of Skype I got to do with my sister so I could wish her a happy birthday. She had no internet today so she hasn’t seen my note to her yet but I still got to see her, however briefly. I love her so.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that it’s Valentine’s Day (he had a lot of candy at school!) {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that Daddy watched a movie with me
3. I am grateful that we ate dinner out (goat cheese sandwich for david!)
Today is my sister Yona’s 40th birthday. I am so sorry that I cannot be there to give her a huge hug and be there to celebrate with her. So I wanted to make her a list of 40 reasons why I love her so much. They are not in any order and I can easily think of hundreds more so this is just a tiny subset of the world of reasons I am thankful she’s my sister. She’s amazing and I am truly lucky to have her in my life.
40 Reasons Why I love you so:
- I love that you taught my kids how to blow kisses and catch them
- I love that you save all your boys’ toys so mine can play with them, too
- I love that you spend hours playing with my sons, even over the internet
- I love that you cook us delicious meals when you visit!
- I love that you are always honest with me
- I love that you never forget any of my special occasions, you always check in, follow up and you never ever make me feel alone.
- I love that you taught me how to read. The best present I got in my life.
- I love that you always tell me how proud you are of me.
- I love that you read my blog. You even comment!
- I love that you are dedicated to making sure our kids are close to each other and we are close to each other’s kids.
- I love that you are always patient with me.
- I love that you do not judge me because I am so different and you love me just the way I am.
- I love that you inspire me so much with your self-confidence.
- I love that you are always so genuine and I can feel your love so deeply.
- I love that you call my husband your brother. He loves you so!
- I love that you listen to me complain about the same worries for hours and always reassure me.
- I love that you are so organized and work so well with mom, I am amazed and inspired by everything you two have accomplished.
- I love that you make sure your kids know the importance of education and studying. You’ve probably done more homework with them than when you were a kid!
- I love that you always believe in me.
- I love that each time I visualize your face, you always have such a big smile that it travels all the way to your eyes. Just thinking of you makes me happy.
- I love that you are patient and kind to mom and dad and me.
- I love that even though you always say you can’t think of good ideas, you’re the one who came up with all the amazing ideas like roses with sentiments to mom and dad, the videotape for dad, the site for mom, etc.
- I love that besides reading, you also gave me my second all-time-favorite present, the book. I cherish, love and adore that book you gave me even though it makes me cry every single time.
- I love that you support my scrapbooking and always encourage me.
- I love that you save and collect and beg for scraps of fabric just so you can get them for me. You are so kind and generous and loving.
- I love that when I asked you for some trinkets and beads, you did your typical Yona thing and ended up buying me drawers full of amazing things and sent me a huge box. You love to spoil me.
- I love that you taught everyone in your family the love of skiing so it’s something you can all do together now. You’ve always been so good at sports. (Unlike your little sister.)
- I love that you love taking pictures almost as much as I do.
- I love that you always, always look out for me.
- I love that you make sure I don’t miss anything even though I am so far away. You always send me videos, copies of presentations, family events, and make a point of making me feel included.
- I love that you and I can spend an entire day just talking.
- I love that you are your own person. You have taught me to be stronger.
- I love that you like learning and taking lessons just like me. Languages, candle making. I so wish we could take them together.
- I love that you took the time to come visit me so we could spend some time together just you and me. You’re always amazing like that.
- I love that you’ve always been by my side. All the cards and letters you sent me when you were away and then when I was away and all the emails and Skypes now. Even though we’ve spent more moments apart than together, I haven’t felt your absence once.
- I love that you are such an amazing mom. From the very first moment, you were comfortable with being pregnant and then raising twin boys. You always showed me that it is not as scary as I worried it would be. You have two amazing sons and that’s due, in large part, to their amazing mom.
- I love that you always put your family first.
- I love that you never forget to do what’s right. Invitations, obligations, thank yous. You’re so much better than anyone I know.
- I love that you and I will be sisters forever. I am so thankful.
- I love you so much canim ablacim. You are my role model, my solid, strong, confident sister thanks to whom I will never ever feel alone in the world. I am so thankful to have you and I love you so so so much. I am so sorry I am not there with you right now but my heart is with you, always.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YONA!!! I LOVE YOU!
And my final layout with Little Yellow Bicycle’s Twig line. I adore this line.
Journaling Reads:
One of the only regrets I have about living far away is that I am away from you, Yona. I know we had a tumultous childhood but we’ve grown into sisters who love each other so much and I am really sad we’re so away from each other. Even though I was really scared o leave the kids, I am so glad I took the plane to come see you while toy were in NYC. It will be one of my favorite memories of the two of us forever.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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