When I was little, on the rare occasion I had to borrow a book from my sister, she always made a point to tell me not to crease the spine. You could clearly tell the difference between her books and mine. Not only did I crease my spines but I folded the edges of my pages and did whatever else I wanted with my books.
I’ve come to realize they are a representation of how I like to live my life. I am not one to keep things tidy and on the surface. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to experience it deeply. I can’t do that if I am worried about creasing the spine. Just like I can’t really have fun in the rain if I am worried about getting dirty. When we’re not running away from it, rain can be so much fun. Puddles, splashing, licking, dancing, letting the water wash over you. It’s exhilarating.
That’s why kids seem to enjoy it so much more than we do. They don’t worry about getting messy. They look at rain and see joy. We look at it and see mud.
Sometimes I am so worried about mess, dirt, imperfection that I miss out on so many opportunities. I miss out on experiencing joy and adventure and euphoria. I miss out on having fun with my kids. I miss out on having fun in general.
That’s the thing about life: it’s messy.
You can’t really experience it without creasing the spines. Without letting go every now and then. I am one of those people who’s constantly scared to let go. What if I stop doing so and so and it all falls apart? I don’t want to be scared to let go. I can start with occasionally and with small things. Take one unabashed step. Without abandon. Something small. Maybe it’s going out in the rain. Or getting in the car and driving nowhere. Or having ice cream for breakfast.
Small steps lead to big steps, so I have to take those first.
Small steps show me that I can get messy and let go and the world doesn’t fall apart. Everything doesn’t come undone. If the foundation is there and it’s solid, I can take risks. I can get messy. I can dive in. I can take chances.
I don’t seem to hesitate when it comes to my books. I love a well-worn book. It’s a sign that the book was read, loved, cherished, carried around, and deeply used. That’s what books are for.
And that’s what I want to do with my life: when I come to the end of it, I want to have it be well-worn.
And here’s the spread for week fifteen (sorry photos are still not great quality.):
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is about the walk we took around the neighborhood and the funny faces the boys made right before. And then the next section is about the arcade day we had when David was on spring break.
And here’s the right side:
The first one here is about David swimming. And then the next three are about the kids playing. Focusing and working hard. I love them so!
My art and our family photo along the bottom as usual.
So there we go. So far, so good. Still enjoying this project a lot.
Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
I waited and waited for Death Cure because I loved Maze Runner and I was promised this last book would have all the answers.
Well, it didn’t.
Even though the book is a mighty fast read and there’s an ending, I didn’t feel like I got the answers to any of my questions. I am annoyed that I read book 2 and 3 since they were much more mediocre and I didn’t even get my answers! I know I am sounding like a spoiled kid. But still…
I do highly recommend the first book. But maybe not the other two as much.
Today is Nathaniel’s third birthday.
My little baby is now three.
We didn’t make a very big deal about it. Like David’s third birthday, we got a few mini brownies and lit some candles and that was mostly it. He had a small present. We will have a bigger celebration on the weekend with a cake and everything (but will still be pretty small.) As I was reflecting on the last three years, I realized, once again, that the moments that are deepest in my heart and the little, ephemeral ones. The way he hangs on to me when he wakes up from his nap. The way he laughs with all of his face. The way he opens his arms way way wide open as he comes in for a hug.
Maybe I can focus on the little things because the big things are ok. I will never take for granted that he is fully healthy and seems to be a very joyful boy. Every single night I pray that he gets to have a healthy, lucky and peaceful life. I know, for me, those are the big three.
I think we as humans tend to always normalize our life. So even if there’s something big, good or bad, we eventually tend to assume it’s just the way it is. So the big stuff seems to fade somehow. Or at least seem less big.
But the tiny moments tend to stick with me. Especially cause they are often unexpected little gems. Extraordinary moments in an ordinary day. An unexpected hug. Even a one-line email can totally turn the day around. And it’s the stuff that seems to stick. At least for me.
This is why I like to take pictures. It’s why I like to scrapbook. It’s even why I like the blog. To remember the ephemeral moments. To try to freeze a little bit of the magic so I can tap into it again and again. So I can have that wash of joy when I see the photo years later. So I can remember how lucky I am. Especially when I am busy beating myself up. Or feeling down.
To me, keeping the gratitude journal is also about that. Remembering the small moments of magic that happened today. Because taking a moment to remember is almost like the photo or the layout. It allows me to stop and pay attention. That etches it deeper into my memory. So then recall becomes easier. And then I can tap into it more often. So it’s like this gift that keeps giving.
All this is to say, I’ve been trying to pay more attention to the small moments. I’ve been trying to really, really pay attention. Because when I do, I see so much good. So much joy.
So much magic.
Happy Birthday, my son, thank you for all the magic you bring into my life every single day.
Here are the sketches from last week:
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
that’s it for this week.
Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my steps here.
Last week, in one of my book clubs, we were talking about compassion. One of the women in my group was saying how she’s working actively on trying to become more compassionate towards everyone. How’s she’s been working on this for a long time and still struggles with it occasionally but she is not giving up.
As always, it made me think a lot about my relationship with compassion. If you read here with any regularity, you know that compassion towards myself is something I struggle with consistently. But, in this case, I was thinking about compassion towards others. Towards my kids, my husband, friends, strangers. Was I doing a good job? How could I do better? I try to be open-minded and be kind to most people I encounter, but was that enough?
The thing is, anyone who judges herself, clearly judges others too. But, yet, judgement requires knowledge. For me, judging someone comes down to two things:
1. Thinking you know them well enough to know exactly why they’re behaving the way they do
2. Thinking you know what the “right” way to behave is
But the fact is, you don’t know either. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that we don’t know those around us nearly as well as we think we do. We have no idea what they’re going through. Even the people we’re close to don’t always share their situation. As we grow older and have lives intertwined with husbands, significant others, children, etc. there is more and more that’s private to a certain relationship. Your friend might share her personal issues with you but she might not be able to share issues she’s facing with her kids or husband. So, at any moment in time, you know a lot less about someone else’s situation than you think you do. Which means you have no idea why they are making the choices they make or behaving the way they do.
The second one is more obvious to me. You clearly don’t know what the right thing to do is. You barely know what might be right for you. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the right thing in a marriage, to ensure both parties are getting what they need. And this is the person who’s theoretically closest to you and shares your days and nights. When it comes to friendships, it’s really hard to tell what the right thing for that person, for that situation might be. And who are you to know exactly what’s right in every situation? Or for every person in that situation?
Nobody, that’s who.
I was reminded again last week that there’s so much I don’t know about the people in my life. So many assumptions I make. So much filling in the “blanks.” And the way I fill in the blanks is often wrong. The assumptions I make are incorrect. Even with my husband, whom I’ve been with for almost twenty years, I have a hard time guessing exactly what he’s thinking and why he’s behaving a certain way. He is another human being. He has his own fears, worries, shortcomings, etc. Not to mention his own set of assumptions for situations and people in his own life. When you think about it more and more, you can clearly see how complicated this is. How little we really know. How many assumptions we make about others.
After the reminder last week, I am trying to keep this at the front of my mind. When I look at others (even my kids) I remind myself that I don’t know the full story. I don’t know what he’s reacting to. I don’t know what else she might be suffering from. I don’t know about the worries and fears he’s carrying with him.
And I will stop thinking that I know. Instead, I will be open. So I can listen. So he can share if he wants to. And if she doesn’t, I can just be there. To lean on, to forget, to hold his hand. I know it’s hard but I am hoping that if I raise my awareness and practice as often as I can, this will allow me to move from judgement to compassion.
And, maybe, just maybe, I can slowly find some compassion for myself, too.
This layout was for Maya Road CHA Winter show.
Journaling Reads:
I snapped this photo of you while you were watching TV. You’re holding a tissue cause you like to imitate blowing your nose since I have allergies and do it often. I love how totally engrossed you are and how cute your tiny fingers look in this photo. I just adore you so much.
Details:
Here is the next spread from our book:
This is a drawing Ari made for David at school. I love that he has a good friend who makes things for him.
There we go. That’s all for this week. More coming soon.
David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.
here are some great moments from this week:
boys hugging is always the highlight of my day:
i love the look Nathaniel’s giving me here.
We went to the park and the kids had so much fun.
asked me to take photos.
he’s saying “hi mommy” here.
of course he got dad to join in, too.
he also helped the big boy climb high.
and then he had to help the little one, too, of course.
they were so grateful for his help.
While David was at school, Nathaniel discovered some of the toys in his room.
and then watched as David showed him how to use it.
and then he recruited daddy, too.
weather’s been amazing here, and the kids have been playing in the backyard a lot.
the kids love it.
they run around and laugh.
and play ball.
so i had to take photos, of course.
because what’s cuter than kids having fun?
nothing. that’s what.
oh well, maybe kids hugging might be a bit cuter!
I love how Nathaniel’s totally doing his own thing here.
this week’s photos had a long pause where we just all gave each other kisses, it was quite wonderful.
there was much laughter. even by me.
and, of course, tickle time.
and here we go. i hope your week was wonderful, too.
Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Page sixteen:
I sat to do this page the minute I got the CHA My Mind’s Eye goodies. I covered the background with brown tissue paper and I just sat and worked without thinking. I love how it turned out. It has my favorite line from a Jewel song: “You already are what you hope to be.”
more next week.
Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Yesterday, I saw an article on a blog my husband reads. It was talking about a powerful career woman who lives around here (whom I’ve met) and she was saying how she works 9-5 and gets to pickup her kids from school everyday, etc. And the article made me incredibly mad. I know for a fact that this person has several nannies and a lot of other help. She also works a lot more than 9-5.
It wasn’t just the lying that made me mad (which, of course, is terrible on its own) but the message it was sending.
It was implying that you can be a super-successful career woman and also a great mom who’s consistently there. You can have it all and do it all.
Which is deeply, profoundly untrue.
It’s not just untrue but it’s damaging to those of us who are trying so hard to keep up with things and not drop all the balls in the air. To look at her and have her make it seem like she can just do it all and that if I can’t, there must be something wrong with me. It’s giving a false impression of what’s possible and doing my life, struggles, psyche a huge damage in the process.
I feel like we do this a lot by being inauthentic and by making it seem like things are “breezier” than they are. As it is, we already seem to have a tendency to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others, so there’s no need to add to that by just lying (or omitting facts.) I feel like we would do everyone a LOT better service by just being honest. I feel like people who are struggling and not ashamed to say it actually get a lot more empathy, sympathy and much less judgement. We all feel inadequate here. All of us. Some of us hide it better. Some of us aren’t even willing to admit it to ourselves yet. But we all just feel “less than” in some areas of our lives. And the first step to healing that, in my opinion, is just saying it. So that others know it, too. So that others feel it’s ok to be courageous and share their truth, too.
To me, misrepresenting the truth in this way is no different than photoshopping a model’s body. It’s distortion of facts. It’s covering up what’s real.
What’s the point?
Ok, I understand. The point is that *you* look good. This person looks like a superstar. She’s amazing. She can do it all. She’s supermom and super career woman. So let’s all give her a pat in the back. And then what?
The cost to her ten minutes of feeling good about herself is that tons of other women who are now trying to juggle work and home feel terrible. The cost is that the issues for women who are trying to make it work are not acknowledged now and will never be discussed or resolved. Cause clearly if she can do it, it can be done, right? It must be a problem with me, not with the situation. Now there’s a public article/example that shows someone who can juggle it all perfectly.
It makes her look unrealistically successful at doing it all. It makes me look and feel terrible for not being able to do the same. It makes the hardships of trying to balance home and work seem nonexistent or devalued. And now the important discussions that could happen to resolve real issues will never happen. Cause clearly there are tangible examples of those who can make it all work. So we don’t need to talk about it cause there’s nothing to talk about. And not talking only leads to more damage. Like photoshopped images and eating disorders.
All so she can look good for an article.
This is not just a case of covering up a few truths so you look better than you are. This is something that’s going to cause tangible damage in the worlds of many other women.
And it makes me mad.
Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: Sometimes what looks like an ending is just a pause before a new beginning.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: be kind to everyone and start with you.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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