karenika

Leaky Perception

This weekend, as I exercised, I watched a TED talk on perception and there are so many things I loved about it that I don’t even know where to start.

The first thing that struck me as “good to remember” is a little similar to the bit I wrote about choice. He talked about how having control makes such a difference. More importantly, feeling like you have no say in how things work out is really really bad for humans. So it’s important that we think and reframe a situation where we feel like we’re in control of it. Like it was a choice.

I had this experience quite a few years ago with someone I was close to. I felt like this person wasn’t behaving the way I wanted her to. After a lot of struggle and frustration (and anger towards her) I realized one day that she was just being who she was all along. I had unrealistic expectations of who she could be and if I wanted to continue to have her in my life, I was going to have to reframe my point of view. Suddenly, it felt so much easier to deal with the same problem because I felt like I was actively making a choice to have this person in my life despite her “faults.” The reigns were in my hand. And it, literally, changed our relationship in a fundamental way.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the talk. About how I should work on areas of frustration in my life and see if I can change my point of view so I feel more in control and not like it’s happening “to me.” I think this is one of the biggest keys to feeling more content in life.

The other part of the talk that really resonated with me was how perception and reality are really intertwined and how our perception of something is sometimes even more powerful than the reality of it. This course I took a long time ago talked a lot about how facts happen and then we create stories around it. And the stories are never true because with stories there’s no “true or untrue” they are just made up. Facts are facts and everything else is a story. That’s how it is with perception. The perceptions of the events in our lives (the people in our lives) are what shape our stories about them. And then we feed those stories so they get bigger and deeper, until we can’t even see the facts anymore.

Our perception becomes the truth.

Since perception is leaky and tends to affect the way we live in the world, I think it’s really worth working on changing my perception on the things that I struggle with. Things that I have negative stories around.

Had you told me in 2009 that I could run almost 3 miles a day, I would have laughed at you. My story was that I had never exercised and couldn’t run a block. My story was that it was too late. My story was that if I had to lose weight, the only option for me was dieting. I had a huge story around this. But seeing Donna and then Cathy do it changed my perception. I don’t know why that did it and other examples hadn’t done it but I do know that my perception is what changed first. It suddenly felt doable. And once it felt doable, I was willing to give it a try. And once I tried it, I was able to do it. And once I saw how much I could do, my perception of myself changed. And then I did it. I lost the weight almost totally due to exercise. The weight I’d been carrying around since 1993. 20 years of weight.

My perception changed my reality.

So it worked in what I considered to be the most unlikely part of my life. I could have believed many many other things before I believed I would be the kind of person who runs daily. And I know that if it worked for that, it can work for anything. Truly. Anything.

So my goal is to make a list of the challenging areas of my life, the negative stories I have, the repeated frustrating conversations in my head and start tackling them. See if I can change my point of view. See if I can take charge. See if I can start by changing my perception.

And then just let it leak into my reality.

Two Tags

As part of my CHA work for Maya Road, I made two little tags using their butterfly stamps.

Here they are:

David’s BoGM – Week 11

Here is the next spread from our book:

And the next spread:

when David’s best friend Ari was here for a playdate, they created this art piece together. We taped it down closed and put some words on the back.

and here’s the open page.

More next time.

David’s Book of Good Memories is a bi-weekly project for 2012 with my seven-year-old son David. You can read more about it here.

Weekly Diary – May 19 2012

here are some great moments from this week:

david playing nano ninja and Nathaniel watching him.

look at that joy in that kid.

for mother’s day, I got surprised with a mango/kiwi smoothie, some toast and strawberries with yogurt.

and some tulips. oh how i love tulips.

my boys made me some signs. and some math cause david says “mom loves math.”

more signs.

then nathaniel played with slinkie a bit.

he had fun.

and then read some. he’s fully toilet trained now. it’s quite amazing.

he’s also mastered puzzle-making. he loves doing them.

David reading for school.

and smiling for me.

nathaniel and his blankie.

nathaniel loves running around the room. this week he kept running and saying “run run, runnin’ for my life!”

right after he woke up from a nap.

some mommy and david shots.

love these.

tickle time.

more tickling.

daddy and nathaniel.

i just love this family so much.

david made a drawing of “science”.

nathaniel was still tired.

so i just snapped some shots.

of both my boys.

so happy when they let me.

so happy to have them.

and here we go. i hope your week was wonderful, too.

Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Journey into Collage – Week 20

Page twenty:

I wanted to play with some of my Maya Road stamps so I just pulled them out along with other Maya Road goodies and I just had fun. I like how I am not afraid to be messy with this project!

Here are some more shots of it:

Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.

Focusing on the Joy

Last week, I had the privilege of being on the Paperclipping Roundtable. I’ve been on the show twice before and have enjoyed every single time. I also listen to the show pretty regularly and always find it enjoyable. So when they asked me again, I was honored and excited.

I think the conversation was interesting and thought provoking. At some point, I said something that I didn’t think was controversial but I guess it was. There were comments on both directions and I’ve been tempted to respond a few times but never managed to do it. So I thought it might be good to share some of my thoughts with you.

Let me give you a short bit of context. The show was about how to get started. Staring at the empty page and getting blocked. We each talked about our process a bit and then some about what helps us unblock. There was some talk about design principles which is where I said that I was worried about the focus on design principles and perfect photography lately. Here’s what I meant:

I feel like sometimes we tend to over-stress ourselves and add a lot of restrictions to our art. If it’s your job or a service you provide, I totally understand the need to strive for perfection (or at least excellence) but since scrapbooking is a hobby for most of us, I feel like we should try to lower the stress-bar on it. And we should do whatever brings us most joy. For some people that’s learning design principles, for others it’s photography. For others it’s playing with paint. For others it’s just having fun with product. And then there are those who love journaling.

In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with any of these. I am not interested in telling others what they should or should not do. That’s exactly my point. Only you know what part of the process brings you joy. All I was saying was that instead of focusing on what others are doing/saying, you might want to find out what brings you joy and do that since, theoretically, that will mean you feel happy doing it! I hope this makes sense.

If design principles give you joy (like it does for Noell) then go for it. Learn all there is to learn. Use them. I specifically said in the show that I learned them too and use them and love them. I was just saying that I worry some people who might not care for them are feeling pressured to do what everyone else is. That people sometimes worry about looking good. Doing what others say is the right thing to do. And I was just encouraging people to remember that this is their hobby and they should find what gives them joy about it and that, finding that, will likely overcome the stuck feeling.

When I did my LOTD, I realized what matters most to me is a combination:

1. Find the story you want to tell
2. Come up with a representative title (generally a sentence)
3. Use small photos
4. Use white background

these are what set me on fire. Having my small photos, white cardstock and title, I am all set. I am happy. I am joyful. And the process goes smoothly (for the most part) for me when I have those.

So my point was that each person should figure out theirs. If you don’t know, you can try learning design principles, or photography or journaling or different products or whatever. There’s no one right thing, in my opinion. We’re all different people.

So I wasn’t saying “it should be fun and design principles aren’t fun!” or that “It should all be fun and don’t worry about your page looking pretty.” I was just saying that I am worried that everyone seems to be emphasizing design principles and perfect photography and if these aren’t what excite you, it might cause you to struggle more. And that you should make the pages for you and your loved ones, not for the internet. That’s all.

It’s totally ok if you don’t agree with me. But I wanted to be clear that I wasn’t bashing anyone’s system or way of doing it. I was just saying that I want some pressure off since it’s a hobby and something we do for fun. If doing an excellent job and focusing on design and photography is fun for you, that’s great. These things *are* fun for me. I have a photography company. I take professional photos. I studied design at school. I even have a minor in Art from college. I work for a few manufacturers and take the scrapping seriously. I do try my best. I try to do right by the people who were kind enough to offer me opportunities. I don’t take any of it for granted.

But I also try to remember that it’s a choice. I chose to do this hobby. I chose to tell our stories. And I want to make sure, for me, it stays fun and joyful. So finding the part that gives me most joy and focusing on it is a priority for me. And since doing that made me happier and less stuck, I was suggesting maybe others can try it too.

And, for me, these thoughts are not specific to scrapping. It’s for any hobby. Anything we choose to do with our free time. Ideally it would apply to work, too but that’s more restrictive and might not always work out. But, with the little time we have in this world, I try to make sure that things I choose to do in my free time bring me joy.

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough in the show. Maybe I am still not clear. I hope I am. Either way, I am totally ok with each person doing whatever they want.

As long as it makes them happy.

Art Journaling – Arches Printmaking Set 3

Here are some more pages I did:

I’ve been looking at some of the art I bookmarked in Pinterest and trying to emulate them. Sometimes it helps to do this so I can learn new ways to look at art. New strokes, etc. I don’t sell my art so I figure it’s ok to copy and give credit. So the next few pieces I’ll be sharing are like that.

The full text reads: Finish each day and be done with it.
This art is my version of: ZsaZsa Bellagio’s painting

And here’s the next page:

The full text reads: do not be afraid to take a calculated risk. all growth comes from taking chances.
and this is my version of this willow tree sculpture by susan lordi

Well here we go. More coming next week.

I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.

The Upside of Having No Choice

I was watching Dan Gilbert’s TED talk on Happiness this morning while I exercised. There are a lot of interesting tidbits in the talk but the one that spoke the most to me this morning is about choice. And how having more options makes you unhappier.

It’s also interesting how adaptable humans are. How we always seem to want to regress to the mean which is why, I assume, happiness levels normalize after a major change on either direction. And I guess it’s another example of less choice leading to just adapting and readjusting happiness levels.

But the idea that if we’re given fewer choices and fewer options to change our mind, then we’re happier with the outcome we had is quite fascinating and one worth thinking about. It means that, for the harder things in my life, if I don’t look at them as options but as irreversible decisions, I am more likely to be happy with them. That sounds counter-intuitive but maybe that’s why it’s worth extra attention.

I know Dan talks mostly about how we inadvertently just think we made the better choice when we have no opportunity to change our mind, but I was thinking more about situations where we think we have a choice and how we might be able to use this knowledge of “fewer options, more happiness” idea to our advantage. I think that if I am struggling with my marriage and think of divorce as a non-option, I am more likely to try harder to make it work. Either by overlooking the small things, or actually dealing with the bigger issues, etc. (Barring severe cases of legitimate reasons for separation, of course.) Same for work or other commitments. If getting out of the situation is a non-option, it makes it clearer in my mind. Cause I am not questioning whether I made the right decision anymore. The decision is made, it can’t be changed, so the only way to move is forward.

So we move forward.

We go through.

And we come out on the other side. Adapt. Change. Make it work. Find a way to be happy with it.

Because when there’s no other way out, we know we have to do the work.

So I decided today that I want to use this as a way of thinking for myself. It sort of connected with Tara’s post from yesterday for me. Less pining. More making it work. I decided that I won’t worry about routes I didn’t take, options I don’t really have. I won’t second-guess my decisions, my possibilities. I will just think of my decisions and choices as final (at least for now) and move forward. And I will have faith that the lack of dubiousness will result in happiness.

It seems at least worth a try.

The Savor Project – Week 18

And here’s the spread for week eighteen:

here’s a closer up of the left side:

The first story here is Nathaniel’s birthday celebration in the front yard and then moustache fun.

And here’s the right side:

The first two here are both David. One where he’s playing with puppet and two is the lego club magazine. And then the next set is the kids playing with computers (which as a computer person, I love.)

My art and our family photo along the bottom as usual.

So there we go. So far, so good. Still enjoying this project a lot.

Happy Savoring.

The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.

A Book a Week – Enclave

I read Enclave because I was looking for something quick and fun. And it was both. I liked the characters and the story. It’s nothing amazing or exceptional but if dystopian is your style I think this is a lovely read. (albeit a bit violent, but all the dystopians seem to be.)

I can’t remember if this is a series or not. Almost all of them seem to be lately. But it does have some good closure in the end which I liked. It’s a super fast read.

Clearing the Air

David came home today and he was sad. He had a rough day at school and had some negative thoughts about some of his friendships. I had a talk with him so I could understand what happened and so he could share his sadness. We decided on a possible next step and then he started his afternoon schedule (chores, play, dinner, etc.)

While he was gone, I called one of the parents of one of his friends and asked if she could maybe talk to her son to see if he felt the way David thought he might and if he didn’t mind, would he maybe call David to let him know things were ok. I insisted that she not force him to call if he didn’t feel up to it.

I didn’t tell David in case his friend didn’t want to call. And, after I hung up, I worried maybe that I did the wrong thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have interfered. Maybe this kid will dislike David cause his mom will force him to call. I wasn’t sure.

But what I did know is that if David’s anything like me, he’s going to chew on it all night. He’s going to blow things out of proportion in his head. He’s going to feel sad and alone and worried until it’s resolved. I went back and forth on it.

Maybe he won’t: He is just seven, after all.

But maybe he will: He has a lot of my genes after all.

So I wasn’t sure.

What I did know is that if I could stop him from agonizing all night, I wanted the chance to do it. I have been there before. I am really, exceptionally good at creating worst-case scenarios. When I don’t resolve issues, I can make them huge in my head and heart. I can have them swallow me whole and deeply upset me. In my life when there’s an unresolved issue, I make an effort to reach out immediately now. I apologize. I listen. I talk. Whatever it is. I just try not to put it off. This is not about “cooling time.” I do believe for some people giving them time to cool off is helpful. Or maybe even necessary. But this is more about not clearing the air. I find that the longer I put off clearing the air, the more muddled things get. And the more upset and carried away I get.

So I just try to do it. I try to remember what matters and let go of the noise. Which is the same thing I was trying to let David do. I asked him what mattered most. And he thought about it and told me. So we decided to let go of the rest and share with his friends what matters most.

I am grateful that his friend did indeed call and they talked and it seemed to have gone well. David went to sleep feeling lighter and happier.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is that way, too.