One of the things I noticed during the Soul Restoration I class and the several other soul-work classes is that many of my deep “issues” and worries are coming from events that occurred when I was younger than 12 years old. None of these events are “devastating” but, alas, they have shaped a lot of the things I’ve come to believe about myself.
A lot of the negative things.
The logical side of me finds this ridiculous. I’m now 37 years old, there’s absolutely no good reason I should cling to the moments I had over 25 years ago. I’ve seen been through several big and small milestones in my life. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I look, think, and feel differently now. I make different kinds of friends. I’ve had many major and minor milestones (both good and bad). So much has happened in the last 25 years that I am definitely not little girl anymore.
And yet. Inside I feel the same.
I can still remember the words that broke my heart and made me feel small. I still feel small in the exact same ways I did back then. I still lack faith in myself for the same areas in which I was criticized as a 10-year-old. Even though some of these facts about me have perceptibly changed and my mind can acknowledge that, the girl in my heart and soul doesn’t blink an eye. She’s still trapped in that twelve-year-old’s nightmare. Her lack of self esteem. Her lack of strength.
I find this incredibly frustrating. It feels like once I can acknowledge and pinpoint the issue, I should be able to get rid of it. I should be able to tell myself that those times have passed. I have new friends in my life and people who care about me deeply and people who depend on me, etc. etc. I am not that girl anymore.
And, yet. Somewhere inside of me, she still lives.
She still hurts, cowers and feels alone.
And I truly don’t know what to do about it. I want to kick her, lecture her, be kind to her, beg her. I go through all the phases at different times. I try to go through logic. And most of the time my 37-year-old self is in charge and can live a happy and fulfilled life. But, in those weak, rough moments, the little girl peeks out.
I’ve been thinking about how to help her. I’m going to have to teach that little girl about how life is right now. Show her affection and kindness and compassion so she can relearn from scratch. So she can create a new identity and self-image. One that’s not tied to memories from the early eighties. I’m not entirely sure how to do this but I do think some serious relearning is what she needs.
Maybe I start by writing down all she feels and tackle them one by one. Maybe if I am super patient with her, she will give me a chance.
So here we are. Another journal. I picked this one up at a store in San Francisco. It’s a spiral bound journal made by Komtrak with 140lb cold press watercolor paper by Canson 100 insides. They are 8.5×11. Here’s a link I found online. You can remove the pages without tearing them and then put them back when you’re done. Sounded ideal for me. The book in the link comes with different paper than mine but they do sell the paper packs for it separately as well.
I paid a lot for mine since it was at a local shop and I am not sure I will like it as much as the Roma paper but I wanted to try it so, let’s see how I like it.
Here’s my first page with it.
The full text reads: She wanted to believe in miracles.
I drew the girl and painted with watersoluble crayons and acrylics. This one started nicely but then ended up a bit too busy for my taste.
And here’s the next Komtrak page:
The full text reads: Let your worries go.
I used watersoluble crayons and acrylics on this page. It’s hard to see but it has a lot of layers and tone on tone. It was party inspired by this sketch.
And here’s the next Komtrak page:
The full text reads: Sink Your Feet in. Soak up the sun and rest.
I used acrylics in this page. Just had fun with it. I love the way it turned out.
And here’s the next Komtrak page:
The full text reads: Everything Changes.
I used acrylics on this page.
It was inspired by a journaling entry where I was telling myself that change is inevitable. Everything changes. Eggs become chicks. Live evolves. Constantly whether we are ready, willing, wishful, fearful or not.
It didn’t turn out exactly the way I’d hoped but the sentiment is there 🙂
I met with an acquaintance today partly because this person intimidates me and I was trying to break that barrier by getting to know her better. My hope was that we would find ways to bond and relate to each other and this connection would allow me to see her (and in return my response to her) in a different light.
Well, it didn’t work.
I left feeling empty. On the “good” side I’d found enough flaws in her to not feel intimidated. I realized several imperfections in her that maybe had not been so obvious to me previously. And I realized a bunch of other things that I find annoying. So maybe the intimidation is replaced by a different feeling now but it’s still not a good one. Not the one I was hoping for. The best way I can describe it was that it felt empty.
I thought about it for a long time afterwards and couldn’t put my finger on exactly what happened. Then, I realized that most of our talk was small talk. What I call “surface” conversations. Where you spend a bunch of time talking about nothing important. Agreeing, being politically correct, smiling but, in the end, saying nothing substantive.
This kind of interaction is not just non-ideal for me; it’s abhorrent. I cannot stand small talk. It’s a good thing I met my husband in college or I would not be able to date because of all the small talk it involves. This is the same reason I hate going to many social activities or reading blogs that talk about “nothing.” My husband’s great at small talk and I really admire his ability to do it, so I am not bashing small talk per se. Just saying I can’t do it. The whole time I am thinking of where else I’d rather be. Like reading a good book.
For me, spending time with a person is all about connecting. I guess it’s the same as my art. I need meaning. If it feels meaningless, I am not interested. I need to be engaged emotionally (ideally intellectually as well). I need to care. For me to care, there has to be meaning in the conversation.
I was reading Stephanie’s blog earlier and she does this new monthly challenge where you “blog your heart.” And while I love the idea of talking about the areas where you’re struggling or falling short, I think that’s not necessarily enough for me. That’s sort of what I realized today during my time with this woman. It became easy for me to see where she was falling short. I could suddenly see her shortcomings, worries around looking a certain way, etc. I even felt sorry for her for a minute when I realized it was so important to her to appear a certain way.
I wish we would do less judging for both good and bad. It feels nice to hear the “hard stuff” because it breaks down the walls of perfection we seem to create on behalf of other people. But while some people do maybe only share the good, the fact is we’re the ones looking for all the good. I know there are people in my life who struggle but also do well and I tend to focus on how well they do in areas where I struggle and I don’t even spend a moment thinking about their struggles. I just accentuate their good and measure it up against my bad. That’s *my* fault. Not theirs. So I like to hold myself responsible.
It’s human nature to want to hide your imperfections. It’s human nature to want to “look good.” But meaningful doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just has to be genuine. I feel just as much a connection when someone shares genuine joy with me. It’s the fake stuff I detest. And when we’re making a list of “rough stuff” I’ll admit the whole thing feels a bit fake to me. When you read someone else’s blog, do you really ever think they’re perfect? Have you ever met anyone who’s perfect? If you’re older than ten, you should already know no one (and I mean NO one) is perfect. It’s just not possible. Some people might be better than you are at certain things. But they have their own list of shortcomings, challenges, and grief. This is true across the board, bar NONE. So when you’re reading a blog and you feel “oh they are perfect” just remind yourself that they aren’t. They are just putting their best foot forward.
What I really wish is that even a five-minute cocktail conversation could be meaningful. I wish I could just say “Look I am not going to judge, I am not going to be jealous, I am here to connect. So be real. Tell me whatever you want to talk about. Don’t try to look a certain way for me. Be you. Whomever you are.” And then we could talk. Without fear, masks, fakeness.
Alas, I don’t know if it’s possible.
And I do know that often I do judge. Look how much I looked for the “wrong” in that woman this morning. Maybe because she was trying so hard to look good that I had to knock her down. To feel vindicated. But I don’t want to do that. I want her to feel supported. Know that I understand. That it’s hard. Life is hard. I get it. You have enough on your plate. You don’t have to worry about me. I am here without judgement. Open.
Can I be that, I wonder? And if so, how can I let the other person know? Can people connect meaningfully without years of friendship behind them?
Two friends recommended Wake and the premise sounded fascinating. And it was fascinating (the premise that is.)
But the book was written in a style that just did not speak to me. It’s obvious that it was a specific choice by the author and it might have worked for some people but it kept distracting me.
And, for me, it got in the way of the story. The story was ok. Also not as interesting as the premise. I know this is a series and I might be tempted to read the rest because I did like the characters but I am hoping that the others are written in a less choppy style.
Or at least written better.
Here are the sketches from last week. All of these use Fabel Castell Pitt Pens and watercolors. A wide range of subjects this time.
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
And Saturday:
I get some of my ideas randomly, others from other people’s photos, some from my photos, and some from pinterest. So far, so good.
Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2011. You can see a detailed post on my steps here.
I am learning more and more that the key to a happy and fulfilled life is knowing yourself.
On the good side, the more I know about what I like, the more I can fill my life with it. Colors, shapes, people. If I know what clothes suit me best, I can buy more of them and always feel at my best when I am dressed. If I know what foods make me feel the best, I can focus on eating those. If I know what songs, what TV, what conversations I prefer. I can bring them into my life.
Same goes with books, hobbies, places to go. Focusing a lot on my actual likes and taking a step back and thinking really hard about whether I like something because *I* like it (and not because someone else encouraged me or cause it looks good or sounds important, etc.) is a very valuable way to spend my time.
I wrote about this in a newsletter a few months ago but I’ve been thinking more and more about it everyday.
Today Brené and Jen were talking about shame triggers in the Ordinary Courage class and, to me, it was another reminder that how well you know yourself can be crucial in recognizing situations and being able to step away from them instead of getting upset, frustrated, or even worse falling into a shame spiral, again and again. Noticing how your body behaves when you feel ashamed allows you the opportunity to pay attention, take a moment, step back and take the next step accordingly.
Being aware is always the key.
I notice this helps when I go into arguments with people who are close to me like my family. I’ve known them for so long that I can recognize patterns, I can see my buttons as they are being pressed, I can see when an argument isn’t really about what it appears. I can understand that when the other person is just frustrated about something totally unrelated and is picking a fight. Knowing myself, knowing how I trigger, how my anger, shame, frustration, pride, etc. triggers is really really valuable in these situations. It stops me from escalating an issue unnecessarily and getting into a bad place.
One of the exercises we did for Karen’s Pathfinder class was writing down what matters to us. What our values are. What we strive for them to be. I think this awareness also brings so much light into our lives. It allows me to live my day to day life true to my priorities. If I spend time thinking about exactly the kind of mother I want to be, not what i think I should be or what others think I should be but what truly matters to me, I can make sure that the time I spend with my kids is focused on exercising those values and priorities. Same for my career or marriage.
It even applies to art. If I believe that preserving my family’s memories is crucial to me, I can spend more of my energy writing journaling on my pages. If I believe it’s more important to do play and experiment and use art to just relax and unwind, then I can worry less about the theme of my pages and focus more on the fun. For example, for me, having my art be meaningful is crucial so I focus on titles and journaling in my scrap pages and put themes and titles on my art journal pages. For me, a page isn’t complete until I have meaning. Ever since I figured this out, I always think of my “sentence” on my art journal first. And then even if the page doesn’t turn out exactly as I’d hoped, if it is meaningful, I am content. Knowing my preferences allows me to get to a more peaceful (or happy) place with my art.
To this end, I will spend the next few weeks spending extra attention on this. On how I think I want to be perceived (and not be perceived) and how that affects me. On what I truly want for myself. On my values and the kind of person I want to be in the world. On how I would truly like to spend my time. I plan to reserve my journaling time to note these observations daily and see if I can make some progress on getting to know myself better.
I believe it will some of the most rewarding time I spend.
for this week, i just had some color and pattern on the background:
And I just had fun with it.
here is the left:
here is the right:
And here’s the filled page:
A bit chaotic I know but I like it anyway!
Weekly Art Journal is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here. And you can find out more about the weeklong daily journaling here.
A few weeks ago, I mentioned how David’s school has a regular Monday morning assembly where they talk about topics that change each time. David told me last week that he was going to be the class reporter for this week’s meeting so I decided both Jake and I should go be there to support him.
Despite some early morning chaos, we both made it there and it was clear that David was very happy to have us there. Before the class reporters, the main topic was presented. This morning’s topic was about the migration of the Monarch butterflies. And she talked about several amazing aspects of the butterfly and their migration across very large distances and how the great-grandchildren know exactly where to go and when by instinct even though the original family member butterflies are no longer around the guide them.
But the story that stuck with me the most was this one:
I am going to reword but it was about a man who found a butterfly right as it was coming out of its cocoon. He watched for a while as the butterfly struggled to come out and then it looked like the butterfly was stuck. He took a pair of scissors and gently cut the opening so the butterfly could come out. And it did. It had this big body and tiny wings. After a short while the butterfly died.
The man didn’t understand that the struggle of emerging is nature’s way of forcing blood out of the butterfly’s body and into the wings. The struggle is essential for the butterfly to live. If it does not struggle to emerge from the cocoon, fluid stays in the body, and the butterfly cannot survive.
And then when I came home, I read my daily email from the Ordinary Courage class and at the end was this one question:
What would happen if you tried on the perspective that your dark places are actually strange lights waiting to help you find a new way?
What if struggle is an essential part of survival? What if you have to go through the dark to live a full and extraordinary life? What if the darkness is what you need to travel through to get to the light on the other side and to be exactly who you’re meant to be? Without the struggle the butterfly didn’t even get to live. It never developed to what it needed to be to survive. What if this is also true for us? What if by avoiding the light we’re never growing the wings we need to have?
The homework email also has this quote:
The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows. — Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
I am a firm believer that we need to face the dark. But I didn’t think too hard about going through the struggle before. I know there’s maturity in knowing when to walk away (this is very hard for me) and I do work hard despite struggles but I don’t always think that struggle is actually transforming me so I can be exactly who I need to be. I like that perspective.
I like idea that the struggles that seem inevitable in my life come with the gifts of making me the person I am meant to be.
After the wonderful talk, David did get to get up and represent his class and he was wonderful. He wasn’t nervous. He read clearly and enunciated well. We were both very proud of him and walked away grateful to live the kind of life that allowed us to share this experience with him.
This layout was for a brand new challenge from Maya Raod.
Journaling Reads:
My sweet boy, when you see a camera you always think of ways to be funny and silly. Even though I sometimes wish you’d give me more of those nice smiles these faces and looks you give me show so much more of your personality and they always makes me laugh so much. I love that you’re funny and sweet and quirky and that you love to make me laugh. I love you so much my boy.
Details:
The challenge was to create a layout using only white cardstock and six Maya Road products. “The designers were allowed to use freebies which included sewing items,adhesive, 1 piece of patterned paper, scissors, pen, punches, die cutting items and paints.” Yep, Caroline was inspired by my crazy obsession to create white layouts! You can see the amazing range of layouts with such a limited challenge by downloading the newsletter. (It’s 2MB)
Challenge yourself to create something amazing with white cardstock and some Maya Road today!
David says:
I gave this story five stars because I thought it was nice that the dragon tried to get Elmer home to his parents.
I liked the part about Feather Island and how he ran into his old pet bird, Flute. I thought King Can’s story was interesting and I liked that they dug up the treasure and all the things they found in it. It was nice of the King to give some of it to Elmer and to the dragon and even to Flute. I thought it was nice of Elmer to give some presents to Flute.
I liked that when they got home the dragon gave the watch to Elmer so he could give it to his mom, My favorite part was that Elmer made it home safely and gave presents to his dad and his mom and even played the harmonica for his father. And that the dragon is going home. It was a very happy ending!
Reading a book a week with my six-year-old son David is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
jake
Good week for Jake. A few meetings, a lot of traveling back and forth between the city and Berkeley and here so long days. He was also nice enough to go get my parents from the airport and to get our carseats fixed. We moved them so Nathaniel’s now facing forward. Jake took the car to the professional installation place and ended up installing the whole thing by himself. A lot of work but now it’s done.
karen
Crazy week for me. I spent all of early this past week trying to get a new build done and then I pushed it out and we found some last minute issues so I had to work feverishly to get them all resolved and fix and push again. I also didn’t do as much art journaling as I am used to. And now that my parents are visiting, I imagine it’s going to quiet down even further for a while. But that’s ok. I really am so glad to have them here.
david
David had a great week at school. He took his gratitude journal to share. He got a bunch of books and he seemed to have a lot of fun. He didn’t have school Monday so it was a short week for him. With my parents’ arrival he‘s also been super-happy. He got a LEGO book, a science set and a Batman cave so he’s been playing the whole time and he’s just thrilled to have my father to play with and tell stories to. Monday he gets to talk in front of the whole school, representing his class.
nathaniel
Nathaniel is his happy, jovial self. He’s really into counting lately but refuses to say six or seven. So he goes one, two, three, four, five, eight. And no matter how much I say six or seven, he will not say them. He’s still loving school. As soon as he walks in he kisses me and says bye and goes off to play. I am so grateful that he’s so happy there. He’s also super-happy my parents are here and loves his new train set and cars. He’s been playing with and kissing and hugging my parents non stop. Wonderful week for all of us.
Here are some of my favorite captured moments from this week:
Last sunday’s family shot:
and tickle-time:
on Monday we played with stamps:
Nathaniel adored doing it.
So did David.
And then they colored them in, too.
Here’s Nathaniel’s “don’t take my photo” face.
and a smile from David:
Nathaniel played with his trains a lot while David was at school
I love this smile.
I love this one, too because David’s reading so much now. He loves to read all the time.
Little boy and his blankie.
David’s don’t-take-my-photo face.
I tried to snap one with my dad and Nathaniel but he wasn’t cooperating.
And it was even harder to get one of the four of them.
And here we are at the last few hours of the weekend. I hope yours was well.
Us Right Now is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
This morning I was reading to David as he ate his cereal. He was eating it so fast that it drove me insane. I said “You need to first chew your food and then put more in your mouth, David, this is not a race.”
And then he told me that when he and Nathaniel are eating vegetables I encourage them to race. He said that when Nathaniel finishes first I always say “Good job, Nathaniel.”
“So does that mean you did a bad job, David?” I asked.
“Yes,” he answered unequivocally.
I put my book down and told him that he shouldn’t interpret it that way. Nathaniel got a “good job” because he finished his food in a timely manner and didn’t play with it and ate all the vegetables. I explained that when he does the same thing, he also gets a “good job,” there isn’t only one to get.
I then explained to him that the only person he should be competing with, in life, is himself.
I firmly believe that what makes us most successful is when we strive to become a better version of ourselves. (And not better than someone else.) In my experience, each time I tried to compare myself to someone external source, it’s led to frustration and disappointment. And, often, failure.
There are situations where one might feel like life is a competition against others but I think, in all the areas that matter, all we need to do is be the best version of ourselves we can be.
Even in a relationship, I feel like if I can just focus on bettering myself, my attitude, my expectations, my reaction, etc. I am much more likely to be successful than if I compare my efforts to the other person’s. Same goes for career and school, etc. Each of us is different and we all have different capabilities. Different strengths and weaknesses. Different ways and speeds of learning and growing. And I think comparing to others is just a path to frustration.
Not only that, it’s also a copout. Sometimes you can do MUCH better than others. Why wouldn’t you want to? And, I feel like being others-focused means you’re not working to grow in the ways you might want to. You’re letting others make the decision on what you should work on next. You’re letting others dictate your life.
How can that be a good thing?
So I told David that all I will expect from him is that he works to be a better version of himself. Not the best reader in class but a better reader than he was yesterday, etc. I explained that, it’s what I try to do in my life and that I will never compare him to Nathaniel or vice versa. I will only compare him to him.
This is something I try to make sure to stay focused on regularly. Am I doing something because I am trying to be something someone else is? Maybe it’s someone I admire or look up to. But even then, it’s better for me to admire them and be grateful that they inspire me, but not to try to be like them.
I am me and I am most powerful when I focus on who I am and how I work.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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