I am a huge Haruki Murakami fan and have read almost everything he wrote. So it was inevitable that I would read 1Q84. It was huge and I thought there was no way I was getting through it. I listened to it on audio. It was 30-some hours. That’s about four times longer than most books.
But alas. I listened to all of it.
I couldn’t stop. Even as it got repetitive and weird and annoying and repetitive.
Yes it was super repetitive.
Annoyingly so.
But I still loved it in that weird, crazy, inexplicable way only Murakami can write.
Having said that if you’ve never read him before, I certainly would not recommend starting with this one.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of beginnings and ends. When it’s the right time to walk away. I’ve always found it hard to walk away from commitments. Even if they are just to myself. So I have trouble quitting jobs, ending friendships, stopping a hobby, or even quitting a book.
Years ago, I took a class where I discovered that one of my strengths is commitment. I am reliable. While this is a good trait for many reasons, it can make some parts of my life challenging. Years ago, I was teaching fifth grade in the South Bronx and I really, really struggled. It was clear to everyone that I should walk away from my commitment to TFA. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. I felt like it was a promise and I couldn’t break it no matter what. Even if it was hurting me (or even some of the people around me.) It was, to this day, the hardest decision I made.
There have been times I’ve walked away from jobs and people, of course. I’ve abandoned hobbies. I’ve even stopped reading books. But, most of these cases had one thing in common: I felt pulled forward. I left a job behind because I felt compelled to go in a different direction. So it didn’t feel like walking away from something as much as walking to something else and that if I wanted to go there, I had to let go of where I was. And the pull of the other place was strong enough that it would allow me the strength to shed.
In the last few years, I’ve been struggling with letting go in several areas of my life and I’ve noticed that the reason it’s hard for me is that I don’t feel the pull toward anything else. So it feels more like dropping something for no good reason. And like there will be a void if I let go. Or that I am abandoning more than outgrowing.
Which is, clearly, ridiculous.
One of the downsides to my pattern of not being able to walk away, without having something else to walk to, is that I am never left with empty space. I don’t have a period of doing nothing. I don’t have a pause. And pauses are important.
Pauses are crucial.
They are what give you the breathing room to hear the quiet voices in your head, heart, and soul. They are what push you to explore. When there’s a buzz of activity, like I often have in my life, I don’t tend to pay attention to the quiet voices. They are drowned by the noise. You need silence to hear those. This is why I like to journal. This is why I like to meditate. Those are my ways of giving the quiet voice some room.
And I’m realizing that I need to learn to let things go. Not after I find something new, different, better but when I feel like they are not serving me anymore. When I feel like I am done. So that I don’t drag them around. So that I can create the space where new things can flourish.
Silence can be scary. But the only way I am going to learn to be ok with it is by practice. You do it a little. You wait. You see that the world doesn’t end. Then you do it some more.
So my plan this week is to make a list of things I want to let go. Feelings, thoughts, hobbies, people, commitments, books whatever it is. And then start practicing.
Start creating the empty space.
Here are the sketches from last week:
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
that’s it for this week.
Daily Sketching is a weekly project for 2012. You can see a detailed post on my sketching journey here.
Yesterday, I went to an all-day silent meditation as part of a class I am taking. There’s a lot about that day’s experience that I am still processing but there are two things that I wanted to share with you today. One is this beautiful children’s story.
and the other was this wonderful poem from Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi ~
It really spoke to me. I am off tonight to another adventure and didn’t have a lot of words yet but didn’t want to leave you without anything (and wanted to make sure I remembered these two important parts of experience from yesterday.)
hope you like them.
This is a layout I made for Maya Road for CHA.
And the journaling says:
Of all the things that bring me joy in this world, seeing the two of you happy is the biggest one. I love looking at the se photos from Turkey cause you look so very happ y in them. And each time I look at them my heart fills up and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. Thank you for giving me such joy.
details:
This week was also light on photos. Here are some snapshots from our week:
A few months ago we signed up for the San Fran Color Run and I couldn’t wait for it to arrive. I couldn’t bring my SLR there so the photos aren’t that great, but they still capture the memories.
The weather was really cold and it took a while for all of us to get into it but David loved getting sprayed and even rolled around the colorful ground.
I was pretty covered by the end.
so were Jake and the kids.
David even had color on his teeth.
I don’t think Nathaniel understood what was going on but he was ok about the whole thing.
and got quite a lot of color himself.
all in all, it was wonderful! Nathaniel also got a new bike and he enjoys riding it often.
the boys have been making cities, garages and electronic creations at home. This was “traffic.”.
David started a blog where he shares his lego stuff and he made this for the blog.
There was some hugging, of course.
and laughing!
The boys also played with my china marker. they loved how the white writes on the kraft paper.
david’s been reading harry potter again and again on the reader.
then it was family shot time.
and tickle time.
and here we go. i hope your week was lovely, too.
Weekly Diary is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Next page:
This is my first assignment for Your Living Canvas class. The first week was about your story and as I wrote mine, one of the things that came up for me was that I have a lot of instances in my life where I made big leaps of faith or did things others would consider brave. This was a big deal to me, especially now cause I am not feeling so brave at the moment. So I decided to make this page as a reminder to myself. I wrote some of the things on top of the big butterflies and then more around the smaller ones.
The quote says: I am brave.
Here is one more shot of it:
Journey into Collage is a project for 2012. You can read more about it here.
Here are some more pages I did:
The full text reads: find solace in nature.
And here’s the next page:
The full text reads: integrity matters. do what you said you would.
here’s another view so you can see the stitching:
this bird was inspired by this amazing one.
Well here we go. More coming next week.
I am creating multiple art journaling pages a week for now. You can read more about this project here. This set uses the Fabriano Roma papers.
I learned (relearned) today that everyone has his own perspective. We go to the same meeting or attend the same event, but come away with very different thoughts. Very different take-aways. Very different emotions. It is quite fascinating to watch.
But nothing new, of course.
This is always true when two people interact. It’s even true when we’re alone. Think of a book you read that really made you think or feel strongly. You can read the same book ten years later and walk away with completely different thoughts/feelings. Clearly the book itself didn’t change. You changed. You way of looking at the world (or at least at the contents of the book) changed. Depending on where we are in life, what we’re thinking and feeling and dealing with, we listen with different filters. We don’t always hear what the other person is saying, we hear what we want to hear. We listen selectively. We react to parts of what’s said and not to the whole message. This is constantly true and constantly changing.
No wonder it’s hard to interact with someone.
Now put four, five, seven people in the same room and all of this becomes exponential. It just becomes this mass of people who are all talking without realizing that the other person isn’t really hearing them. And then the other person talks and the original person doesn’t really listen. On and on it goes.
Then the meeting/get-together/event is over. And everyone walks away with completely different feelings and understanding of what just happened. This happens very often in face-to-face time. Imagine how much worse it is over email, skype, text messaging, etc.
Today’s event made me remember that I need to be more aware of this. I need to be careful when I talk that I am clear. I need to follow up to make sure the goals I had in mind were communicated properly. That the other person and I are on the same page. That there are no bad feelings or uncertainty. I am not always diligent with follow up. And on the opposite side, I need to speak up when I am not certain I follow. I need to repeat back so the other person can make sure I understood what they meant.
This all seems a bit silly but I really think it’s not. Even with my husband, whom I’ve known for almost twenty years, I sometimes misunderstand what he says. I definitely hear differently depending on my own mood and perspective. And if I do it with a person I know so well, I must be doing it so much more often with other people.
And since communication is the cornerstone of any kind of relationship, being aware of how we don’t always hear what the other person is saying is crucial.
If not, all we have is a bunch of disgruntled people thinking the other person just didn’t get them at all. Which is exactly what happened to my friends today.
What a waste.
And here’s the spread for week twenty-seven:
here’s a closer up of the left side:
The first story here is about the kids blowing bubbles in the backyard and then the other one is about seeing Brave with the kids. We all loved it so much.
And here’s the right side:
The first one here is about the new water and sand table we got for the backyard and how much the kids love it. The second one is about how even though it’s noisy, crazy and messy with all of us here for the summer, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it. ever.
Art along the bottom as usual.
Another great week. Happy Savoring.
The Savor Project was supposed to be a weekly project for 2012. You can read about my setup here.
Another book I read not to watch the movie first was We Bought a Zoo and I am glad I read it. (Listened to actually.) It was really interesting and fascinating.
From what I’ve seen in the previews, the movie looks like they’ve changed the plot quite a bit. Have any of you both read and seen it? Is it worth seeing? I mean, it does have Matt Damon in it, but still I hate getting disappointed when the book is so different.
I woke up this morning and I was tired. I sleep for over eight hours, so I can’t imagine that’s it, but maybe it is. Maybe my body needs nine hours. Anyway. Then I started my morning routine. Exercised, showered, we all got dressed, ate breakfast, and then sketched. Then I started work. But I was still tired. More importantly, I was moody.
If I am honest with myself, I’ve been moody for some time now. I am trying to snap out of it and I have had moments of joy and even days full of contentment. But there’s an underlying moodiness. One of those periods when negative thoughts pop into my head way more often than positive ones. When my drive and willingness to do anything is low. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle since I won’t do what it takes to snap myself out of it.)
And I am sort of unpredictable. Even in the middle of joy, a tiny word or action can take me back down to the annoyed/moody place. Not depressed but cranky.
If you asked me what’s going on, I can tell you long stories about it. I have many reasons why all these things are happening. But, the fact is, most of the reasons are bullshit. (sorry for the cursing, i generally try not do that here but i needed something stronger than ‘made up’.) I mean, sure, things could be better. But, really, there’s just no reason for me to be the way I am being. There’s no reason to go through life this way. Doing the motions. And looking at every single thing with a pessimistic bias. I was watching this talk on the optimism bias today and kept thinking how I just don’t function that way. I am pessimistic about the future. Maybe not pessimistic but anxious. I worry all the time. All.the.time. My mind goes to the most negative outcome possible. It definitely doesn’t serve me.
But back to my moodiness. Years ago, I took this class that basically said that we go through different emotions mostly for chemical reasons. Happy. Sad. None of them mean anything. We like to attribute meaning to a good day and to a bad day but most of it is just chemical. (Obviously not when something significant happens and your mood changes right then, like being proposed to or getting in a car accident, etc. But on any ordinary day.) And, while I am not sure I buy this thought, I love the idea of reminding myself that “It doesn’t mean anything.” So today I woke up moody. So what.
Attributing meaning tends to do one of two things for me. I make it someone else’s problem which means it’s out of my hands; I am hopeless to fix it. So now it’s not in my control and I just sit here and feel small, out of control, frustrated. Or I make it this big problem that needs to be solved and I can’t be happy until it is. This puts me into the postponement world. So I hold happiness hostage until the issue is resolved. And if it’s something I can’t resolve soon, well I get to be unhappy.
Both of these are ridiculous.
At the moment, I am stuck in some situations that I am not happy with. But I took some time and decided I am not ready to change them yet. The outcome of change could be much worse than how things are. And I am just not willing to take that risk yet. This puts me in scenario two above. I can’t solve it. And I attribute almost all my moodiness to these situations. I hear myself thinking “if this and that were different…” then I get to be happy. Then I can quit being moody. Then I can enjoy my life.
Ok I won’t curse again but I am thinking the same word.
So. I decided today that next time I am moody, I am going to do three things:
1. Remember that it doesn’t mean anything. It will go away. My moods do change. And this one will, too.
2. Remember that it was my choice to leave the situation as is. I am choosing this so I need to choose to work with it and to not let it get to me. To find my way through it. But that the choice is mine and I am not trapped.
3. Remember to journal gratitudes. I have been doing this on and off and I noticed that I do truly get happier when I do it.
So here we are. I know this is a bit all over the place. But if you’re in the same place as I am where you feel a bit stuck and feel moody but are in a situation you’re not ready to change just yet, maybe some of these will help you, too.
One other thing I am trying to do is to do more of the activities that bring joy to me. Art, friends, TV, hugging my kids whatever it is. I am trying not to judge, but to do them all.
You can never have too much joy, if you ask me.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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